R U Having an A & Did U Fall In Luv?

[Toccoah]

I'm currently in an affair with OW. You can read my story in another thread. Not really proud of it. I really don't do anything differently to handle it. I keep telling myself that it will be over soon. It's gotta stop sooner or later. If i thought it would last a long time I would probably worry alot more. The OW brings up the fact that I get to go home to a wife and she goes home to nothing. I'm sure she's keeping her eyes open for an opportunity of a single man that she can enjoy. At that point she'll probably let me go. It will be over and I'll back back to the normal life again. At this moment I don't feel much guilt.

 

I think women are much more inclined to leave the marriage for another man, more so than a married man leaving his wife for another women. In mo, hearing from co-workers, friends, friends of friends, etc, etc, men are merely looking at the A in a sexual manner and have the love at home from their wife. Women on the other hand tend to get more involved emotionally, therefore have the greater temptation to leave. I don't think I could ever be involved. In fact, I wouldn't with a married man. Perhaps it's because you than have no control over the situation.

 

Unless thing's change here at home, I'll be leaving I'm sure.

[Wibble]

Well, Tocoah, to be honest you are setting yourself up for a bit of a slagging by describing your relationship with your husband in predominantly financial terms. The "meal ticket" crack was a bit of a low blow, but it certainly reads to outsiders that you seem to want your cake and eat it.

 

The feeling that you have met "The One" after you got married is purely because you ARE married. If you didn't have a husband, to whom you are committed (however loosely) then an outside love interest would simply be one of many options, As things stand he is an exciting, forbidden option, and thus infinitely more alluring and exciting. Presumably your husband was once "The One", and that is why you married him. Now he is just Mr Everyday, and cannot compete with someone to whom you have limited access. He doesn't even know there IS someone to compete against.

 

So you want to know what to do now? Well it boils down to 3 options:

 

1 Finish the affair. Tell or don't tell hubby, but put some effort into your marriage. If it really doesn't work WITHOUT the distraction of an outside party, then at least you can look yourself in the mirror and know you tried.

 

2 Leave your husband and sail off into the sunset with "The One". But bear this in mind - statistics are quite clear, you have a less than 4% chance of turning your affair into a successful, long term relationship. They have a habit of dying on their feet once the secrecy has gone, plus your new love will always know that the woman he is with is capable of cheating. Not a great character reference.

 

3 Leave both of them and start afresh, unsullied by the mistakes of the past. You can learn from this episode, and not get yourself into the same situation again.

 

Now I can't think of any other potential endings to this unhappy little tale, and I am sure that, in the cold light of day, they all look pretty unappetising. To truly inform yourself of the situation you are in you need to do a bit of research about the dynamics of affairs. You need to find out WHY you have sought happiness outside your marriage, and you need to have a realistic look at the feelings you are having. Is it love, or merely a set of chemicals released into your brain because you enjoy feeling wanted by someone? My somewhat cynical definition gives you a clue as to my own feelings on the subject.

 

You could be about to make the biggest mistake of your life, and you have almost certainly done immeasurable emotional harm to an innocent party, and quite possibly already blighted your marriage forever.

 

Is it really worth it?

 

Think about it.

[Toccoah]

You ever see match point, that's a story for when the affair goes badly.

 

What happens when your wife finds out, your OW sounds vindictive?!?!

 

Be a man and end it! where's your freaking backbone?

 

You should be booted on the forum. Seriously. I do hope they see that you are HONESTLY.....of ZERO help and do not do anything to their community but bash other's with your bitter betrayed attitude. I'd cheat on your A** too if I was ur wife. U sound like a controlling, arrogant, freak! What are you 12. Go play dungeon and dragons and leave the counseling to those that can add something of value!

[Cobra_X30]

Unless thing's change here at home, I'll be leaving I'm sure.

 

What kind of change are you thinking?

 

Are you sitting back and waiting for a change? Or are you standing up and fighting for it?

 

Doesnt your path seem clear? What could your H do to get you back into the M? If he did... could you be honest and tell him what you've been up to?

[Toccoah]

Well, Tocoah, to be honest you are setting yourself up for a bit of a slagging by describing your relationship with your husband in predominantly financial terms. The "meal ticket" crack was a bit of a low blow, but it certainly reads to outsiders that you seem to want your cake and eat it.

 

The feeling that you have met "The One" after you got married is purely because you ARE married. If you didn't have a husband, to whom you are committed (however loosely) then an outside love interest would simply be one of many options, As things stand he is an exciting, forbidden option, and thus infinitely more alluring and exciting. Presumably your husband was once "The One", and that is why you married him. Now he is just Mr Everyday, and cannot compete with someone to whom you have limited access. He doesn't even know there IS someone to compete against.

 

So you want to know what to do now? Well it boils down to 3 options:

 

1 Finish the affair. Tell or don't tell hubby, but put some effort into your marriage. If it really doesn't work WITHOUT the distraction of an outside party, then at least you can look yourself in the mirror and know you tried.

 

2 Leave your husband and sail off into the sunset with "The One". But bear this in mind - statistics are quite clear, you have a less than 4% chance of turning your affair into a successful, long term relationship. They have a habit of dying on their feet once the secrecy has gone, plus your new love will always know that the woman he is with is capable of cheating. Not a great character reference.

 

3 Leave both of them and start afresh, unsullied by the mistakes of the past. You can learn from this episode, and not get yourself into the same situation again.

 

Now I can't think of any other potential endings to this unhappy little tale, and I am sure that, in the cold light of day, they all look pretty unappetising. To truly inform yourself of the situation you are in you need to do a bit of research about the dynamics of affairs. You need to find out WHY you have sought happiness outside your marriage, and you need to have a realistic look at the feelings you are having. Is it love, or merely a set of chemicals released into your brain because you enjoy feeling wanted by someone? My somewhat cynical definition gives you a clue as to my own feelings on the subject.

 

You could be about to make the biggest mistake of your life, and you have almost certainly done immeasurable emotional harm to an innocent party, and quite possibly already blighted your marriage forever.

 

Is it really worth it?

 

Think about it.

 

 

I'm not afraid to stand on my own two feet, nor am I to be alone. I'm fairly content with who I am, so am not thinking, "Oh boy, what if I'm 'Alone'. With say....none of them. I'll be fine.....as for my H. He's aware in so many ways. That subject I'm not going into and for the record, he's not so innocent himself. However, we are both proud to look in the mirror and know that the truth is.....no one is 'Perfect'....I'll find a way. Thank's guys!

[Chrome Barracuda]

You should be booted on the forum. Seriously. I do hope they see that you are HONESTLY.....of ZERO help and do not do anything to their community but bash other's with your bitter betrayed attitude. I'd cheat on your A** too if I was ur wife. U sound like a controlling, arrogant, freak! What are you 12. Go play dungeon and dragons and leave the counseling to those that can add something of value!

 

1. I'm am not gonna condone your affair, your wrong plain and simple. It's clear as freaking day.

2. I'm not bashing you, I'm telling you how it is. I'm not gunny he's worse on that perspective other than me, Your lucky I even waste my words on you.

3. Trying to assassinate my character aint gonna change that your a self serving woman of limited mental capacity and can only achieve her identity on an OM's jimmy.

4.You want something of value, what value do you place on your marriage? You heat, your friends are cool with it and your married to boot.

 

If you was my wife I would wait for you to leave get a moving truck and take everything and disappear and have you served with divorce papers.

 

You aint worth it!!!

 

Marriage to me.

 

Shorty you aint marriage material to any man!!!??/

 

WTF??? lol.

[Mustang Sally]

You know....

As a point of interest, I don't think it's that uncommon of a scenario for women to use affairs (PAs or EAs) as a catalyst to exit and already dead (in the woman's eyes) marriage. I'm not saying this is the correct approach - just making an observation.

 

I don't have any reliable data, however (of course), to back that up. But I have seen that sort of thing on LS quite a bit, and read about it on other web sites. The e-Book Women's Infidelity (or something like that - Rooster? Where are you?) concurs with this, as well. I know it's not pristine scientific method, but I'm just sayin.

[Toccoah]

1. I'm am not gonna condone your affair, your wrong plain and simple. It's clear as freaking day.

2. I'm not bashing you, I'm telling you how it is. I'm not gunny he's worse on that perspective other than me, Your lucky I even waste my words on you.

3. Trying to assassinate my character aint gonna change that your a self serving woman of limited mental capacity and can only achieve her identity on an OM's jimmy.

4.You want something of value, what value do you place on your marriage? You heat, your friends are cool with it and your married to boot.

 

If you was my wife I would wait for you to leave get a moving truck and take everything and disappear and have you served with divorce papers.

 

You aint worth it!!!

 

Marriage to me.

 

Shorty you aint marriage material to any man!!!??/

 

WTF??? lol.

 

 

 

 

When someone speaks in ways like, "You aint", that's a clear indication to run. No heading advice from you and why you continue to come back to my post, when no where does it ask for Advice .......is beyond me. Are you bored. Sorry, but the topic in question has gone way off track by posts that are not from others in the same situation like the INTENDED forum is for, except for one and that one I appreciated the most. So please. Don't ask me questions and LAST...do not question me. Again, that is NOT what I was asking and clearly not what the Infidelity claims to be for.

[Wibble]

I certainly never implied you were incapable of looking after yourself, and I am sure that escape from a desperately unhappy marriage is appealing, but you don't sound like you are in that situation.

 

TBH you sound as if you are seeking validation for a decision you have already made. LS cannot really offer you any comfort on that score, but you will hear the voices of so many people who have been through what you are experiencing. Ending a marriage because you are having an affair is almost ALWAYS a bad idea. Your head is in turmoil, your value system is shot to hell, and your judgement is totally skewed.

 

You need to get out of the pressurised situation and start thinking clearly before you make any major decisions. In that respect LS CAN help you - see if you can find more than half a dozen first hand accounts, from ANY forum, of an affair that has ended in a happy relationship. There are thousands of posters over many years but I bet "success" stories are pretty thin on the ground.

 

OTOH, if you have already made up your mind then such advice is useless - but buckle up. It will be a rough ride.

[Toccoah]

Ending a marriage because you are having an affair is almost ALWAYS a bad idea. Your head is in turmoil, your value system is shot to hell, and your judgement is totally skewed.

 

Wibble- Great point. Let me ask you this. Is leaving ones H/W for another M/W bad because... "Your head is in turmoil, your value system is shot to hell, and your judgment is totally skewed" as opposed to say, "Leaving, and than starting to date the next day?"

 

What if while you were affairless, if that's a word for ya, you still knew then something wasn't right and you weren't happy in your marriage, and THAN you met someone? Is it still bad to leave THAN and is your head still in turmoil, your value system is shot to hell, and your judgment is totally skewed?

 

Hmmm, thought to ponder?

[Wibble]

Oh, and just to give my credentials for giving you advice, my wife of 18 years had an affair with her "The One". They were, apparently, "soul mates", "able to communicate and understand" each other, and deeply, passionately "in love".

 

Right up until the minute I found out.

 

I had to listen to her drivelling on about the perfection of this adulterous moron, meanwhile he backpedalled at a furious rate. Finally I had to pick up the pieces when he told her, quite unprompted by me, that he had been lying all along. After all, in a relationship based on a deception, who knows who is lying, and who is not?

[Toccoah]

in a relationship based on a deception, who knows who is lying, and who is not?

 

OOOH very true. Very TRUE

[TMCM]

There's a saying "What they do with you, they can do to you". If you see nothing wrong with your actions then don't be surprised if sometime in the future you become the recipient of them, especially when eventually the man you marry and consider "THE ONE" chooses to leave you for another woman he considers to be "THE ONE" for him.

 

I wish you no ill will but please consider that sometimes the highest betrayal we experience is the one we to do ourselves.

[Wibble]

Sorry, Toccoah, our posts are crossing. To answer your most recent query, what you are doing is trying to justify, in any way possible, continuing to have your affair. I am not trying to patronise you, and am certainly not the font of all knowledge, but you are exhibiting the CLASSIC behaviour of someone in an affair. Any defect in your marriage (and I am sure that, like mine there are plenty) is magnified in your mind and used as further "ammunition" to justify your behaviour.

 

Part of having an affair is that you neglect your partner, who responds to this neglect by becoming less pleasant to live with, and thus provides you with more ammunition. And so on and so on. The vicious cycle whirls its way to a destructive and messy conclusion. THAT is precisely what I mean when I say your head is in a mess.

 

The only way out of this is to clear your head, and the only way to THAT is to free yourself from the emotional turmoil you are in ie. end the affair. The honest (and some may say honourable) way to sort out your marriage, one way or another, is from a position of openness. Dirty little secrets will make any efforts to resolve your marital problems futile. Doesn't your spouse deserve a little bit more respect than that?

 

The process of "de-programming" yourself from your affair will take not days or weeks, but months and months There is simply no quick fix. You will know when you are thinking straight, and then you can make a decision you can live with.

[Chrome Barracuda]

When someone speaks in ways like, "You aint", that's a clear indication to run. No heading advice from you and why you continue to come back to my post, when no where does it ask for Advice .......is beyond me. Are you bored. Sorry, but the topic in question has gone way off track by posts that are not from others in the same situation like the INTENDED forum is for, except for one and that one I appreciated the most. So please. Don't ask me questions and LAST...do not question me. Again, that is NOT what I was asking and clearly not what the Infidelity claims to be for.

 

 

It is what it is.

 

Just because I wasnt proper about speaking to you about the subject you think I'm some kind of ignorant kid? Just because what I said was different vernacularly, doesnt mean what I said was wrong.

 

Stop trying to blameshift, stop trying to minimize, it is what it is.

[LifesontheUp]

OK. My story in short. Maybe my story is strange as I went into a few different forums and really didn't see any topics such as the above. Mainly all affairs with MM. I'm a MW of 11YRS and last year I started having an affair with a single guy. We've been together a year now and I see him all the time. When I go out with my GF's, he comes along, as if he were my H. My GF's have taken a strong liking to him and we are all pretty much 'Friends'. They don't ask and I don't tell much, but they know and they really do like him. They also know my husband who is a great man as well, but a much 'Different' man. I've also fallen deeply in love, as he did as well and I know I must figure thing's out, but I'm having a tough time with letting either one go. The OM wants to marry me as well. Sometimes I wish that I could find the OM cheating on me or something as such to make it easier, as I don't think I could live without him. My husband and I are not lovers, merely companions, as to where the OM and I are connected in every which way, other than a mortgage payment. As the song goes, 'Torn between two lovers'....what a HORRIBLE place to be......Why is the saying so true that you ALWAYS find 'The One' AFTER you get married?

 

Yes, I remember by xH telling me just after I found out about his affair that he had found "the ONE", his "soulmate", the "one that was perfect for him in every way". Of course I was the "devil incarnate", the "one he no longer was in love with", the "one who didn't understand him anymore" etc etc. I threw him out of the house and guess what, within a couple of weeks he was begging for me to take him back.

 

You see, his "the ONE" wasn't all he thought she was when the reality set in. The fantasy life he thought they could have just wasn't going to happen. He begun to see that it was all in his mind, he'd been high on the romantic illicitness that the affair gave him, the secrecy of it all. When it was all out in the open.....well it just bombed and reality hit him square on the head

 

Honestly, your husband is not going to make any changes if you haven't told him whats going on. Have you thought about marriage counselling?

[OpenBook]

That's funny. I thought I'd found "The One" BEFORE I got married... that's why I said "Yes" when he asked me to marry him. That illusion faded fast, starting precisely on my wedding day. Now (after many years and lots of other R's since my D) I no longer believe in "The One." There are many people whom you could have a successful R with, some being more compatible than others. But there is no such thing as "The One."

 

I realize it's possible that I've not yet MET "The One" and that's why I don't believe he exists. But I don't think that's how it works.

 

I guess I'm in a state of suspended disbelief.

[BetrayedMM]

No, open, it sounds like you don't believe in fairy tales anymore.

 

That "the one" concept is something created by pop culture, not wisdom based on reality or human nature. Songwriters, novelists, that kind of thing. Pure fantasy. It sells. I think that concept has led way too many people to have very unrealistic expectations about relationships. People wind up thinking they aren't getting what they should out of a relationship, when in reality they simply aren't giving what they should. So, by looking for 'the one', they wind up with more than one, and then find it's neither. In the meantime, while they are on a quest for the holy grail, they stomp on the people who love them and justify it by telling themselves it doesn't matter because they weren't 'the one'.

[cj1988]

Everyone is "The one" until that falls apart as well.....My sons father was the one in 1985, left him because he was abusive in every way. The next guy I was with after him was the one until I started supporting him and he got lazy.....1995, my H now was the ONE of all time, now I do not even know who the hell that man was or is now....so you see, when it feels good, they are the ONE, then you realize again, it was not real !

[Chrome Barracuda]

There is no, "The One" There is only "The Now"

 

Think about that...

[OpenBook]

No, open, it sounds like you don't believe in fairy tales anymore.

 

That "the one" concept is something created by pop culture, not wisdom based on reality or human nature. Songwriters, novelists, that kind of thing. Pure fantasy. It sells. I think that concept has led way too many people to have very unrealistic expectations about relationships. People wind up thinking they aren't getting what they should out of a relationship, when in reality they simply aren't giving what they should. So, by looking for 'the one', they wind up with more than one, and then find it's neither. In the meantime, while they are on a quest for the holy grail, they stomp on the people who love them and justify it by telling themselves it doesn't matter because they weren't 'the one'.

 

I totally agree that you won't GET what you need unless you also GIVE. It's definitely a two-way street. But giving is no guarantee that you will receive it back in return.

[Triarge]

No, open, it sounds like you don't believe in fairy tales anymore.

 

That "the one" concept is something created by pop culture, not wisdom based on reality or human nature. Songwriters, novelists, that kind of thing. Pure fantasy. It sells. I think that concept has led way too many people to have very unrealistic expectations about relationships. People wind up thinking they aren't getting what they should out of a relationship, when in reality they simply aren't giving what they should. So, by looking for 'the one', they wind up with more than one, and then find it's neither. In the meantime, while they are on a quest for the holy grail, they stomp on the people who love them and justify it by telling themselves it doesn't matter because they weren't 'the one'.

 

Exactly!!!

[feelingtorn]

 

Part of having an affair is that you neglect your partner, who responds to this neglect by becoming less pleasant to live with, and thus provides you with more ammunition. And so on and so on. The vicious cycle whirls its way to a destructive and messy conclusion. THAT is precisely what I mean when I say your head is in a mess.

 

VERY TRUE.

 

Hi, I am a married woman had a EA/PA with OM. OM was single while I was seeing him. Your marriage sounds like the opposite situation of mine. I was content - frankly quite happy - with my H until I met OM. Thought OM was the one, and everything in my marriage went downhill. As Wibble explained it beautifully, I started spending most of my weekends with OM and neglecting my H and marriage. I work full time, so basically my H rarely saw me during A. He is the kind of a guy who respects your space, but he started resenting the fact I was not available to him. Who could blame him? But, at the time, my mind was clouded with A, so I did not see my wrong-doing, but only his flaws.

 

Although my situation is a little different than yours, I think going NC with OM is the best solution for you. It will be tough at first, but will clear your mind and help you make the right decision. Don't end your marraige and leave your H for OM. Nobody is perfect as you said, and once the honeymoon is over, you may end up with the same problem, but with a different man.

 

You sound like a smart, independent woman. If you truly think your marriage has hit the dead end, leave it now and start a new chapter of your life. Why sneak around and split your time between two men when it's not necessary? Nobody deserves that.

 

For me, after going NC, I've realized that I made a terrible mistake. I started dissecting OM's words and behaviors and came to the conclusion that I did not want to spend my life with him, but my H. He came on to me knowing that I was married. He is the kind of a guy who can jump from one woman to another woman whenever he feels like it. Not going to steal your thread with my OM stories, so I will stop here.

 

I wish you the best and happiness.

[sarme]

I am not sure if "the one" exists or not I think it's more what you beleive. I'll tell you this much there are certainly people who are better matched for you than others. I truly believe I have met my "the one". The connection I have with my current man is unlike anything I have ever had before, I came close to it in a relationship I had for 6 yrs but it was different because what I have with my current b/f is that we have the exact same cultural background and this is huge in terms of similar values upbringing, life goals and general life experiences. I met my man while he was married he D and now we are together. He has the exact same experience, he left his ex behind and never felt like she was "the one" or had never fallen head over heels in love and thought it was something that happened in movies. Then he met me and it all changed for him he feels like he now sees what people mean by meeting "the one" We've discussed this a million times and it does happen.

 

Look sometimes people are mismatched or people go into marriage thinking this is as good as it will get and they are young and naive and then realise there is so much more. The thing about being with someone for so long is that we become accustomed to being with them and get attached anyway even though they may not be "the one" they are a part of us anyway but then you meet someone that really blows you away and realise what you had been missing all along and I am not talking about the honeymoon phase of dating I am talking an all encompassing connection intellectually, physically and spiritually.

 

I guess that explains why I never married I knew there was more for me out there and I was right. I love my man with all my being and despite all the odds the nay sayers try to hurl my way (especially on here because the ones that matter to me most like our families are supportive and accepting of our union) we are going to beat them because when you find true passionate deep mutual love you give it your everything to make it work. It is very hard to find a deep connection as we have that is all encompassing and in life you have to seize the opportunities that come your way only if it is going to improve your life.

 

When you are dealing with leaving a relationship behind to start a new one you must also be sure that in leaving you will improve the life of the person you leave behind and do what is BEST for everyone. If you want to leave for purely selfish superficial reasons like boredom or feeling like you plateaued in your marriage or because you just don't feel the spark anymore then you need to smarten up and get some therapy and fix yourself to fix your marriage.

 

You must be 100% sure that leaving the marriage behind is best for all.

But staying in an affair while married is not the answer and neither is staying in a marriage that is mostly unfulfilling.

 

good luck TOC

Edited January 25, 2008 by sarme