ViKKi_123 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Hello I am hoping somebody will be able to help me and offer their advice. I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years and our relationship is great. Last year I fell pregnant and he did not react well at all. He became awful and I found myself all on my own trying to deal with my pregnancy and a really unhappy job I was in at the time which was bad enough without the hormones. A few weeks went by and it became very apparent I was becoming ill. To cut a very long story short I had to have an abortion. My boyfriend supported me though this process (as I am sure it solved his problem). Everything went back to normal and we have been happy ever since. He hs started talking about children 'one day' and speaks fondly of it but I am really really broody and want his baby so desperatly. to the point it is bringing me down. He just says he is not ready and likes the way things are. We ar both still quite young (he is 26 I am 25). But I hate one days. I wasted 6 years on my ex waiting to 'one day' get a house etc. please give me your thoughts or at least confirm I am not mad. What can I do? Any Men Views very welcome.:-)
Krytie TV Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 My view is that he dumped you when you got pregnant and then came back when you had an abortion. Sounds like a class act. With scruples like that, what could I say... except I have no advice for you except you're better off without him.
blind_otter Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 If he wasn't supportive when you fell pregnant last time, how can you expect him to be there for you the next time it happens? Why do you want a baby so badly?
Author ViKKi_123 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 To be honest I am not so sure. I am just soo wanting to be a mum now. I feel it is the right time for me and he would make a great dad. I have to say that although he was awful last time he did come round and say he would support me and even got drunk a couple of times and seemed a little excited. It was just a very bad initial reaction.
blind_otter Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Have you talked about having a kid with youf BF? I mean, seriously -- as in planning for the immediately future?
Author ViKKi_123 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Yes we have spoken about it and he talks ondly of children and jokes abot how his lil ones will be etc. But as for immidiate future he says no he is not ready. My feeling is he is scared stiff as he will need to be the only earner etc. it is a huge responsibility as I ean good money (he earns even better). I feel I cant really talk to him any more as he is sick of the discussions. But I cant help but feel his reservations now are fears and they will never go away. He is laid back in nature and I do most of the driving in the relationship (not literally).
ElvenPriestess Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Geeze, I'm so sorry about the abortion bit. I know how hard of a thing that is. Sounds to me like you two are just in two different places in your lives on the subject of children. Since you really want a child and he doesn't right now, I guess you would have to decide if you're waiting until he calls the shots, until he feels prepared. Are you ok with dealing with that?
Author ViKKi_123 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 I oing to have to be i think. My fear is that he is not going to get over this. like the chap in the thread im 32 and want to cry. that is like him I am sure. I feel for him.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I can completely understand your fear of his fear staying a long time. And realistically, if it's just fears he has, not something like not wanting kids at all, why doesn't he just do everything he can to get past those? These fears don't always go away on there own. Has he seen a therapist or anything? My apologies if that was already covered. My point is if you both want kids together, and something in him is scared and holding him back, then he should do something to combat that issue. He seems to play it off by joking, but it's quite serious, and he needs to open up to your feelings. He's so wrapped up in the scared feelings he has I don't think he can even begin to understand your heart on this matter. What do you think?
Author ViKKi_123 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Yes exactly right :-) He has not seen anyone about this as he is just saying he is not ready. He is thinking all of a sudden he will be. But t is cutting me up. I have tried to tell him just how much but I dont think he understands. I have recently had a health scare that hopefully now is OK, but this has made me all the more certain I want a baby and why wait as we could spend our lives waiting. Oh I am rambling now but just dont know where to turn. I feel fine but when soone asks me if I am OK I cry. (not sure where that is coming from)
spookie Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 What makes you think he'd be a good dad? A good dad is someone who is committed to the relationship (this means marriage for some people) and WANTS children. At best, your guy sounds lukewarm. More likely, scared s!htless of the concept. Why don't you relax a little and try to enjoy the relationship? I understand having the abortion has probably brought out a lot of these feelings in you, but you'll be so much happier if you have kids when you're both, without a doubt, ready.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 A wonderful point here Spook. I mean if he did agree out of some obligation, it could lead to resentment, or other sorts of negative side effect feelings. And you don't want tat for you or your child. I don't know, I mean he isn't ready for the commitment you are looking for, it seems. I think it's a compatibility area that is lacking. I understand why you cry when people ask how you are doing. When you're talking about the weather you are pushing the feelings away of what you're currently battling inside. Some one poses that question and the feelings rush to the surface. It's quite natural and normal.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Why do you feel like you really want a baby? Do you feel like the baby will bring you two closer than you are?
allina Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Whatever you do do NOT "accidentally" get pregnant by him. Try talking to him about his goals for the future, explain that marriage and a child is something you desire and take it from there.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Ok, I'm confused. If you wanted a baby, why the heck did you have an abortion? To make him happy???? And what is your rush to have a baby? Don't you want to be married and have a committment before you have a child? I understand if you want to be a mother and all, but he isn't at that point in his life. And did you ever think that he isn't ready to have a child because he would like to be mature, more financially stable, older, married, ect. Pressuring him isn't helping either. I think you really need to think about these things. Would you really be happy with having a baby and a bf who is not ready to be a father or a husband?
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