D-D Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I recently had a friend trying to set me up with a co-worker of his who is a 24 year old single mother with a two year old daughter. She holds down a decent job and has her own place. He asked if I would date a girl with a "kid". I was kind of hesitant, but said yes. I am a single, 24 year old male with no kids who has never been married. I have a good career but still live at home, and likely lack some life experience compared to the single mother (though I have experience with young children through close friends). All but one of my friends are married and have children. I plan on getting married at some point and likely would want to have kids. I never thought about dating a woman that was a single mother prior to my friend asking. I have been brewing over this since my friend asked me. I like kids, so that is not really an issue. I just had never thought of the complexities of dating a woman with a child. I guess I always imagined me meeting a girl, getting married and starting a family together (traditional kind of guy with a religious upbringing). I'd imagine that dating someone with a child (or children) is kind of a double package. I think it would be hard to just date the mother and have no relationship with the children. You'd have to be involved with the kid(s) in some form. I was thinking that I would kind of be worried about the children factor of the relationship. What if you meet the child, but then later break up with the mother? That must not be good for the child. And what about the father of the child? Is he still involved in the child's life? I wonder what kind of impact that would have on the relationship. I always considered myself to be a good person who is accepting of others, so I would kind of feel bad turning down a girl just because she has a child. Though at the same time, I feel as though I would only be interested in the relationship if there were certain dynamics. I don't think that I would want the father of the child involved (ex. shared custody/visitation). I guess that I would prefer the mother to be divorced or split up with the father of the child (no contact with biological father) or that the mother was widowed. I feel bad saying that, it sounds kind of naive and selfish. On the other hand it seems immature to not enter into a relationship with the mother just because her child adds some extra challenges to what could be an otherwise rewarding and successful relationship. My thinking is that I shouldn't judge a woman just because she has a kid and is single. It doesn't really matter whether the child resulted in an unwanted pregnancy outside of marriage, or the girl ended up single from a divorce, or even perhaps that the mother was widowed. If the mother is a great person and you get on well with the child I imagine it could be a valuable relationship. I work with a guy who met his current wife (who is an incredibly beautiful and fantastic person) after her boyfriend at the time left her pregnant with his kid and took off never to be seen or heard from again. My friend accepted her fantastic daughter as his own, and they lead a very typical family life (daughter calls him "Dad"). I know they are all very happy, so it is obviously possible for things to go well in a situation like this. Just feels to me like the complexities and dynamics involved in the relationship could lead to failure just as easily. I'd be interested in hearing some of your opinions or experiences regarding situations involving single parents dating someone with no kids?
Pyro Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Honestly, I would have no problem dating a woman who already has a child or children from a previous marriage, but for me if she had more then two, then I may draw the line there. The women I have talked to who have kids have said that they would not introduce their kids(s) to the potential BF until she and the guy have become serious, otherwise it could confuse the kid(s). The Dad still being in the picture shouldn't be a factor. At least it shows that he isn't a deadbeat and still cares for his kids. We need more people like that.
Zero Degrees Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I think it is a very personal thing. I'm currently dating a divorcee, which has its struggles. If he had a kid I would not be with him because it would be just too complex for me to handle. The child rejecting its parents potential partners, contact with your SO's ex. Of course this is just me but I doubt I would date someone with kids. At the end of the day if you find you really like her then only you can make the decision as to whether the relationship is worth pursuing.
Author D-D Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 ^^^ I agree with you, but for some reason it feels very wrong for me to say no to her just because she has a child. My life has totally been flipped upside down the last two years with things happening that I never could have imagined or prepared for. Two years ago there is no way in hell I would have dated a single mother, but now I'm not sure it matters as much. Maybe I am just more willing to take chances, or maybe I am desperate? I don't think I'll ever find the "perfect" little world that I once dreamed of.
lexi29 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I am not a single mother but I can tell you from the other side (your side) what it is like. I have no kids but my bf has an 8 yr old son. He and I were friends since his son was 2 but I admit he liked me back then and wanted to date me and I was not into it at all. And it was because I had never dated anyone with children. When his son was almost five I started dating my bf. Dating someone with children does have its challenges but also is very rewarding as well. If you like a lot of attention in a relationship and always being #1 then dating a single parent is not for you!! Their child will always come first and you have to make sacrifices to accomate the child. Also single parents sometimes have a hard time finding any free time and unless the single mom you may be interested in can find a babysitter often or the dad is in the picture with regular visitation you won't have much one on one or alone time with the woman. With my bf, pretty much whereever we go his son goes too. That means we eat out at fast food restaurants (his son doesnt' like to sit for very long in nicer restaurants), go to kid's movies, and dont get much alone time. So in some ways it can be a lot more work than a relationship with a single person. But I've grown to love my bf's son and I enjoy the "package" deal of the situation.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 There is no problem with dating a woman with child/ren. I think you maybe too immature to date a woman with children if you still live at home with your parents. She may not want you. If she does, go for it. You would be lucky to have her interest in you.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Just keep in mind that the child is always going to come first- and there may be frequent times when she has to cancel plans- if she doesn't have a sitter- or if the child is sick, etc. I echo what Riddler said. I never introduced my husband to my children until we were very serious and discussing marriage.
StartingOver07 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 First off, I think it is really good that you are thinking about this up front! Here is my take, as someone who dated quite a bit when my daughter was ~2. The woman you will be dating will likely not want you involved with the child in any significant way until/unless you two seem to have a future together. She will want to protect the child from forming an attachment that could be easily broken. That said, at 2, children are quite accepting and not as aware of what goes on between men and women as older children are. So it's possible for you to engage in the occasional outing with mom and child in a friendly way (i.e., no overt displays of physcal affection). It will also be much easier for you to form a loving r/s with the child if/when that becomes appropriate. Far more difficult, imo, would be dating someone with tweens or teens (unless old enough to be largely doing their own thing). Some have mentioned that there may be difficulties with babysitters, etc., and this is possibly true. However, a 2yo typically goes to bed quite early (assuming mom is doing her job), and there is no reason you can't spend time with mom at her house while the child sleeps. In fact, I'm assuming that this is what you would want to do anyway, since you live with your parents. All that said, I think the #1 thing to focus on is how you feel about this woman. Have a date or two and see where you are. Find out whether this is someone you really want to get to know or if you are just luke warm.
bmrrll07 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 i'm a single mom and yes dating with kids makes things a bit harder. i have to have a babysitter, an advanced notice of plans so i can set up the baby sitter. any good mother will wait until things are serous before you meet and/or spend time with the kid. don't worry about the ex thing because they only have say over the kid, not the relationship. and don't judge her if it was an unplained prenacy, at least she kept the kid unlike most girls that just have an abortion. on the other hand if you can seem to just get over the fear or not sure you want to date someone with a kid feeling. then i say don't do it. it will only cause problems. if you do want to date her think about this first. are you ready to step in as a father figure in the kids life if it becomes seroius. because if you can't then don't date her.
sunshinegirl Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 My boyfriend has a 6-year old daughter with his ex-wife. Not that long ago, I would never have predicted that I would date a single dad - I'm 34 and I mean at like 32 I am not sure I could have seen it (let alone 24!). You're right that there are challenges. That being said, I have a wonderful relationship with the daughter. She is quite young, which makes things easier. It's also easier that the XW lives 500 miles away and has primary custody of her. My BF visits every other weekend and talks to his daughter every day by phone... but she is not currently an everyday or full-time presence in our lives. Which also makes our relationship feel much more like two single people dating. Oh, and I love my BF all the more because he is such a great dad to her. I mean *really* great. I love to see them together.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I dont see an problem with getting involved with someone who has kid(s) . But you have to remember that if you want to be with the parent then you have to be with the child as well. I was once involved with a guy who had two boys and I told him that i didnt want to meet his kids until we were serious. Well we never got serious, so Im glad I never met the kids. I would hate for his kids to meet different women everytime daddy has a new relationship
Author D-D Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 and don't judge her if it was an unplained prenacy, at least she kept the kid unlike most girls that just have an abortion. I didn't mean to imply that in my original post. I agree with you 100% that it was great she kept the child and raised it. If I got a girl pregnant, I wouldn't let her get an abortion. I'd raise the child myself and let her walk away if she wanted nothing to do with it. Thanks everyone for the replies!
Pyro Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I didn't mean to imply that in my original post. I agree with you 100% that it was great she kept the child and raised it. If I got a girl pregnant, I wouldn't let her get an abortion. I'd raise the child myself and let her walk away if she wanted nothing to do with it. Thanks everyone for the replies! Just keep in mind that the choice of abortion is the womans choice, not the man's choice.
Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 If you like a lot of attention in a relationship and always being #1 then dating a single parent is not for you!! Their child will always come first and you have to make sacrifices to accommodate the child. Having been there, and done that, I couldn't agree more. I honestly don't find myself to be time-needy or need a ton of attention in a relationship, but always knowing that no matter what I would NEVER be #1 in the relationship eventually took its toll. It's really, really tough.
Author D-D Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Just keep in mind that the choice of abortion is the womans choice, not the man's choice. I disagree. It took both the man and the woman to make the baby. So why is it only her choice? Just because she is carrying the child for 9 months doesn't mean the father should have no say. I guess I am biased because I don't really agree with abortion. In my opinion you could at least have the child and put it up for addoption if you don't want it. I personally could never take a life with the morning after pill or an abortion. Those are just my personal views though, so I don't mean to offend anyone who disagrees as you are certainly entitled to your own opinion.
Pyro Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I disagree. It took both the man and the woman to make the baby. So why is it only her choice? Just because she is carrying the child for 9 months doesn't mean the father should have no say. I guess I am biased because I don't really agree with abortion. In my opinion you could at least have the child and put it up for addoption if you don't want it. I personally could never take a life with the morning after pill or an abortion. Those are just my personal views though, so I don't mean to offend anyone who disagrees as you are certainly entitled to your own opinion. You are correct that it takes two to make a baby, but in the end since it is her body, she has the final say. Ask any gal who is pro choice and almost guaranteed that she will tell you the same thing. It may not be fair to the guy but that is how it goes.
Trialbyfire Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I disagree. It took both the man and the woman to make the baby. So why is it only her choice? Just because she is carrying the child for 9 months doesn't mean the father should have no say. I guess I am biased because I don't really agree with abortion. In my opinion you could at least have the child and put it up for addoption if you don't want it. I personally could never take a life with the morning after pill or an abortion. Those are just my personal views though, so I don't mean to offend anyone who disagrees as you are certainly entitled to your own opinion. I do hope you're also willing to put your money where your mouth is. If you choose to force a girl to keep your child, I hope you're also willing to be a full-time single parent, if she's not willing to do so, or if you believe she should give it up for adoption, be willing to fully support her financially and emotionally, and take care of her during her months of pregnancy. Honestly, it's too easy to spout opinion when the bulk, if not all, judging by the number of delinquent fathers, of the responsibility of childcare rests on the woman.
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