Author fray718 Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 Ok, I understand about the sponteneity of sex. It's awesome when you just have sex at the spur of the moment. The idea that he would even suggest a vesectomy is odd. You've only been dating for two months and he wants to do that so you can have sex without a condom??? I think your bf has some serious issues. The more I think about it, the more confused I get by your situation. Before, I thought maybe it was an issue that you were having, but now I actually think it's both of you. I understand the issue not wanting to use condoms but to go as far as to have a vesectomy is a red flag to me. I think you were a little impulsive to break up with him, but this guy seems to have some issues of his own. Something you said did trigure for me though..why is having good sex not an issue to you? That just sounds odd to me. Part of me thinks the vascectomy thing is him bluffing and making me feel guilty so i'd get on the pill. For me, it's not that good sex is not an issue. Maybe I worded that incorrectly. What i mean is that I'm very satisfied right now with just using condoms and ALOT of ppl have sex with condoms so I just don't see what the huge deal is!? I mean I'm sorry but really, can you tell me that?
Author fray718 Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 To clarify, he's orgasmn every time we had sex except for last night. I think it might be him just again trying to persuade to get on the pill.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Part of me thinks the vascectomy thing is him bluffing and making me feel guilty so i'd get on the pill. For me, it's not that good sex is not an issue. Maybe I worded that incorrectly. What i mean is that I'm very satisfied right now with just using condoms and ALOT of ppl have sex with condoms so I just don't see what the huge deal is!? I mean I'm sorry but really, can you tell me that? I think it's about preferences. And like Stargazer said, you two probably aren't sexually compatible if this is such an issue. I agree that neither of you are probably ready to be sexually active, as using a the idea of getting a vasectomy to manipulate you into going on BC??? That's rediculous. Adults don't do that!!!! I think you two need to break up, you are not compatible, nor are either of you ready to be involved in a sexual relationship, especially not with each other. Just like your preference is to use condoms and not be on BC, his is for you to be on BC and not use condoms. INCOMPATIBLITY.
Els Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 SG, his desire to have a satisfactory sex life is reasonable -- his desire to have it at her expense (which he did not refute) is not. I don't know the man, but I honestly think the vasectomy is a guilt trip kind of thing. I don't think you really need to worry about him following up on his threat til he actually goes to the clinic and requests for it -- and I'm willing to bet quite a lot that that won't happen. Fray, two Qs here. The first, which I suggest you answer here so that everyone can gain a little perspective on your BC issue is: Have you ever discussed his past sexual partners at all, before he asked you to go condomless? The risk of STDs? The second, is up to you whether or not you want to answer it in public. But I really hope you'll think about it privately at least. What are your reasons for staying with him at the moment? (Not for getting back together -- I too agree that the very impulsive breakup was not such a hot idea)
Star Gazer Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I think it's about preferences. And like Stargazer said, you two probably aren't sexually compatible if this is such an issue. I agree that neither of you are probably ready to be sexually active, as using a the idea of getting a vasectomy to manipulate you into going on BC??? That's ridiculous. Adults don't do that!!!! I think you two need to break up, you are not compatible, nor are either of you ready to be involved in a sexual relationship, especially not with each other. Just like your preference is to use condoms and not be on BC, his is for you to be on BC and not use condoms. INCOMPATIBILITY. Absolutely. They're incompatible. I won't bother beating a dead horse about the reasons why, but the fact that they're incompatible is incredibly clear. What's also clear is that Fray is not ready to be involved in a serious romantic sexual relationship. I don't know the man, but I honestly think the vasectomy is a guilt trip kind of thing. I don't think you really need to worry about him following up on his threat til he actually goes to the clinic and requests for it -- and I'm willing to bet quite a lot that that won't happen. You're probably right about this.
StartingOver07 Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Also the diagram causes more side effects than bc pills almost i think. Correct me if im wrong though. ?? What on earth are you talking about? The diaphram is a barrier method. No hormones involved.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Fray, I think the reason we are challenging what you are saying is because you are very misinformed about BC. And everytime someone comes up with a reason why you are being hasty and irrational about it, you come up with another justification for how you are feeling. Like I said, there are other forms of BC that don't cause hormonal changes. But you are hell bent on not going on BC at all, I'm just wondering if you are using that as some sort of amunition against your bf. Overall, i stand by what I said about your incompatiblity. You feel differently about the situation, and you both are going to have to come up with some sort of solution or else the issue is not going to get resolved.
Author fray718 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 Dont' you think it's a bit extreme that some of you are saying outright that we two are incompatible and that we need to break up because of this? I mean aside from the pills it looks like the diaghram thing SG suggested might be a possible solution. And don't relationships take work? Like everyone is telling me, nothing is perfect. And just because the two of us are a bit uninformed in this area of sex and we have some issues, does that make us outright not ready for a relationship? Everyone has issues, it's normal. I'm sorry but I think it's a bit over the top of everyone to say that me and my bf are not ready. The two of us care about each other and he tells me that he appreciates the fact that I'm looking into this BC thing and that he wants it to work out for us as well. He tells me worse comes to worse he'll just use the condom...and eventhough he is willing I'm trying my best here to find another way so that we can both be happy. Today he found out his father is in the hospital and I was so worried for him. He told me that he's glad he has me here with him. I know everyone is trying to help but all of this just seems like alot of people criticizing/lecturing me instead of truly caring about me or supporting me. There are a few here on this board who I know are truly trying to help me and I greatly appreciate that and want to thank you for it. Just that I've never felt this way about anyone before...my bf is the first guy I thought about marrying...and he tells me that he wants a future with me...so maybe it's worth taking some time with. I made the huge mistake of being impulsive the other day and I'm trying now to make amends for it so that perhaps things may possibly work out between us.
Author fray718 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 SG, his desire to have a satisfactory sex life is reasonable -- his desire to have it at her expense (which he did not refute) is not. I don't know the man, but I honestly think the vasectomy is a guilt trip kind of thing. I don't think you really need to worry about him following up on his threat til he actually goes to the clinic and requests for it -- and I'm willing to bet quite a lot that that won't happen. Fray, two Qs here. The first, which I suggest you answer here so that everyone can gain a little perspective on your BC issue is: Have you ever discussed his past sexual partners at all, before he asked you to go condomless? The risk of STDs? The second, is up to you whether or not you want to answer it in public. But I really hope you'll think about it privately at least. What are your reasons for staying with him at the moment? (Not for getting back together -- I too agree that the very impulsive breakup was not such a hot idea) Yes we've discussed STDs. He actually went and got tested for STDs before asking me to be his gf and he's fine in that area. For Q number 2, I'm with him for the reasons specified in my post above. And elyswth, you are one of the people I mentioned above who I feel is truly trying to help me and I appreciate that. Lauriebell - though I disagree with you on some points I can tell that you are also trying to help me as opposed to just criticizing me for the sake of doing it. I appreciate that as well.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Yes we've discussed STDs. He actually went and got tested for STDs before asking me to be his gf and he's fine in that area. For Q number 2, I'm with him for the reasons specified in my post above. And elyswth, you are one of the people I mentioned above who I feel is truly trying to help me and I appreciate that. Lauriebell - though I disagree with you on some points I can tell that you are also trying to help me as opposed to just criticizing me for the sake of doing it. I appreciate that as well. Yeah, I really am trying to help you. It's sometimes hard becuase I don't see you in your current situation, I'm only going by what your telling me, and some of the situational factors you are discribing contradict each other. I thought about what you said about trying to find a happy medium with the situation and trying to find a solution..you are right. That is what you should do in a relationship. What I am trying to say is that you are incompatible in this issue..meaning you just don't agree or see eye-to-eye on it. I have some things that I don't see eye to eye on with my bf, but we try to work it out. So you guys are going to have to come up with SOME some of solution that works so you both will be happy. I think looking into the diaphram is a really good solution. However, the overall success rate is lower than that of hormonal birth control. Mainly the reason for that is just because it's a device you insert, and not something that is already in your body. But I suggest talking to your gynocologist about that. i'm sorry if some of the things I said sound harsh, I'm not trying to be, but I also feel that to help someone you have to challenge and confront what they are saying. So thats all I was trying to do.
Author fray718 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 Yeah, I really am trying to help you. It's sometimes hard becuase I don't see you in your current situation, I'm only going by what your telling me, and some of the situational factors you are discribing contradict each other. I thought about what you said about trying to find a happy medium with the situation and trying to find a solution..you are right. That is what you should do in a relationship. What I am trying to say is that you are incompatible in this issue..meaning you just don't agree or see eye-to-eye on it. I have some things that I don't see eye to eye on with my bf, but we try to work it out. So you guys are going to have to come up with SOME some of solution that works so you both will be happy. I think looking into the diaphram is a really good solution. However, the overall success rate is lower than that of hormonal birth control. Mainly the reason for that is just because it's a device you insert, and not something that is already in your body. But I suggest talking to your gynocologist about that. i'm sorry if some of the things I said sound harsh, I'm not trying to be, but I also feel that to help someone you have to challenge and confront what they are saying. So thats all I was trying to do. Yea I agree with you that this is one area of incompatibilty we have, I just wanted to point out that it doesn't mean that were are not meant for each other or that we should breakup that's all. I mean it's not everyday we find someone we truly have such feelings for...and it's a bit harsh to tell someone that they should just throw it away just like that. I was impulsive and I regret it and I don't want to repeat the same mistake that's all. I'm currently thinking bout either the IUD or diaghram, but not sure which one might be better for me. I told my bf I need a few days to think bout this BC issue and he told me to just take my time.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Yea I agree with you that this is one area of incompatibilty we have, I just wanted to point out that it doesn't mean that were are not meant for each other or that we should breakup that's all. I mean it's not everyday we find someone we truly have such feelings for...and it's a bit harsh to tell someone that they should just throw it away just like that. I was impulsive and I regret it and I don't want to repeat the same mistake that's all. I'm currently thinking bout either the IUD or diaghram, but not sure which one might be better for me. I told my bf I need a few days to think bout this BC issue and he told me to just take my time. Good to hear..at least you are compromising. The reason I was confused was because the way you described the issue you said that you were going around in circles and he couldn't understand why you didn't wnat to go on bc, you didn't understand why he didn't want to use condoms. then you rejected our advice about non-hormonal BC. I'm glad you are considering it now. What makes people incompatible is if they stick to their guns and don't try to work out a situation that can be compromised. So from what you were saying, it didn't seem like you were willing to do that, which is why I said you may be better off breaking up..because it will get worse if the issue does not get resolved. Anyway, hope it works out for you. Remember to always try to find a compromise, I know it's hard sometimes, but its part of being in a relationship.
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Sexual incompatibility isn't like having different political views or taste in movies, Fray.
Author fray718 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 Sexual incompatibility isn't like having different political views or taste in movies, Fray. I'm not sure what that is implying, but I do know that sexual incompabitiity is easier to deal with and stomache (at least to me) and possibly solve than a guy who tells you that he lost his love for you or whatever. If my bf tells me he doesn't see a future for us or that he lost his feelings for me, I will most likely kick him away right away. As of now, we are both willing to work on it and to see if there is a solution. After all, he IS able to orgasm even with a condom and he did say that worse comes to worse he'd just use the condom.
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I'm not sure what that is implying, but I do know that sexual incompabitiity is easier to deal with and stomache (at least to me) and possibly solve than a guy who tells you that he lost his love for you or whatever. If my bf tells me he doesn't see a future for us or that he lost his feelings for me, I will most likely kick him away right away. "Or whatever"?? LMAO! BF didn't lose his love for me, Fray. You have no idea what you're talking about. Quit comparing your relationship to everyone else's. Sexual incompatibility is rarely, if ever, "fixed." Doubts in a relationship come and go, and are a perfectly normal evolution of a relationship. That said, assuming your below-the-belt punch were true, didn't YOU tell YOUR BF that you didn't see a future for the two of you??? That he wasn't "The One"??? You're hilarious, such a hypocrite.
Author fray718 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 "Or whatever"?? LMAO! BF didn't lose his love for me, Fray. You have no idea what you're talking about. Quit comparing your relationship to everyone else's. Sexual incompatibility is rarely, if ever, "fixed." Doubts in a relationship come and go, and are a perfectly normal evolution of a relationship. That said, assuming your below-the-belt punch were true, didn't YOU tell YOUR BF that you didn't see a future for the two of you??? That he wasn't "The One"??? You're hilarious, such a hypocrite. Honestly if i had to choose between being in my situation or yours, i choose my situation. In my bf's case, I think I'm really lucky that my bf still wants me back and treats me like gold even after I told him he's not the one. Though I took the comment back and apologized profusely for what I said and did and I promised him that I'd try really hard to change. I told him to 'trust me.' Like I said, I feel lucky he took me back. Every situation is different. I have issues, I know that. And guess what, you obviously do as well and you don't have to be so mean to me about my issues. You might try being nicer about expressing your opinion like Lauriebell does. Your harsh criticism and condescending remarks are more annoying than helpful that's all.
Author fray718 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 Your harsh criticism and condescending remarks are more annoying than helpful that's all. SG, see above. Just want to re-empahsize that.
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Honestly if i had to choose between being in my situation or yours, i choose my situation. In my bf's case, I think I'm really lucky that my bf still wants me back and treats me like gold even after I told him he's not the one. Though I took the comment back and apologized profusely for what I said and did and I promised him that I'd try really hard to change. I told him to 'trust me.' Like I said, I feel lucky he took me back. Every situation is different. I have issues, I know that. And guess what, you obviously do as well and you don't have to be so mean to me about my issues. You might try being nicer about expressing your opinion like Lauriebell does. Your harsh criticism and condescending remarks are more annoying than helpful that's all. Guess what? I'm not LB. You're not going to get 50 LB's posting to you. That's the beauty of LS, different people, different opinions, different ways of expressing them. If you don't like what I have to say, IGNORE ME. If you want help with YOUR relationship, focus the subject matter of your threads on YOUR relationship - not mine, not your parents', not your friends'. YOURS. This is about YOU. But really, Fray - would you like your BF to read your own advice? Would you like him to know that you'd rather be with someone who you're sexually incompatible with than someone who's able to communicate with you about being worried about the status of the relationship?
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 If you don't like what I have to say, IGNORE ME. Fray, see above. Just want to re-emphasize that.
Author fray718 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 Fray, see above. Just want to re-emphasize that. My re-emphasis done above was just some advice I'm giving to you. You can continue to post the way you do if you want and be mean/harsh, but I'd highly recommend against it. And also I'll prob take your advice to ignore most of what you say as well. You give good advice at times, but alot of it is also untrue and over the top.
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 My re-emphasis done above was just some advice I'm giving to you. You can continue to post the way you do if you want and be mean/harsh, but I'd highly recommend against it. And also I'll prob take your advice to ignore most of what you say as well. You give good advice at times, but alot of it is also untrue and over the top. You're reading my words as harsh because, quite honestly, they are TRUE. Blunt, honest, and true. Most people don't like to hear the truth when it hurts, I definitely consider myself to be one of them. But you're in the same camp. Also, are you not seeing those who are saying the same thing I am, Fray? Do you want me to copy and paste them into another post for you? LB is actually one of them...
Author fray718 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 But really, Fray - would you like your BF to read your own advice? Would you like him to know that you'd rather be with someone who you're sexually incompatible with than someone who's able to communicate with you about being worried about the status of the relationship? If I use the diaphram, which I'm gearing towards using, and my bf is ok with it, then me and my bf would have reached a compromise...would that 'sexual incompability' still be a problem then? I'm just saying I'd rather deal with this than some other problems that can be much worse. I have been told by a guy that he doesn't love me that way or whatever and that caused me about 100x more grief and pain.
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 If I use the diaphram, which I'm gearing towards using, and my bf is ok with it, then me and my bf would have reached a compromise...would that 'sexual incompability' still be a problem then? I'm just saying I'd rather deal with this than some other problems that can be much worse. I have been told by a guy that he doesn't love me that way or whatever and that caused me about 100x more grief and pain. This is your problem: You're equating a difference over BC preferences as being sexually incompatible. That is NOT what I mean when I refer to being sexually incompatible, and I don't think it's what others have been referring to either. Sexual incompatibility stems from different views on SEX ITSELF - the value of it, the benefit of it, the desire for it, the importance of it in quality and quantity in a healthy relationship. You don't care about "good sex." You're surprised that "good sex" is important to your BF. This is where the sexual incompatibility stems from. It's clearly very important to him, and it's not to you. This will eventually be a much, much bigger problem than you're realizing right now.
Author fray718 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 You're reading my words as harsh because, quite honestly, they are TRUE. Blunt, honest, and true. Most people don't like to hear the truth when it hurts, I definitely consider myself to be one of them. But you're in the same camp. Also, are you not seeing those who are saying the same thing I am, Fray? Do you want me to copy and paste them into another post for you? LB is actually one of them... Yes LB does say some of the same things you say, but she says it in a much nicer and thus more supportive/helpful way. Plus she also said that if my bf and I can reach a compromise than the sexual imcompatibilty issues is resolved. Whereas you make it seem like it can't be fixed and the r/s is doomed. Thus LB is also more helpful this way. And your comments about people refusing to take the pill because of not wanting to have some hormones infusing the body as meaning they are not mature and ready enough to have a sexual r/s is really just UNTRUE! If you think that is true then i'm sorry cuz that means you are the one with serious issues. I'm glad you are attending therapy though to resolve them. Therapy seems helpful. I might try it as well.
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Yes LB does say some of the same things you say, but she says it in a much nicer and thus more supportive/helpful way. Plus she also said that if my bf and I can reach a compromise than the sexual imcompatibilty issues is resolved. Whereas you make it seem like it can't be fixed and the r/s is doomed. Thus LB is also more helpful this way. And your comments about people refusing to take the pill because of not wanting to have some hormones infusing the body as meaning they are not mature and ready enough to have a sexual r/s is really just UNTRUE! If you think that is true then i'm sorry cuz that means you are the one with serious issues. I'm glad you are attending therapy though to resolve them. Therapy seems helpful. I might try it as well. LB is a therapist. She's trained to be neutral. I'm an attorney. I advocate. If you don't like my style of communicating the SAME MESSAGE, put me on IGNORE. That said, AGAIN, you totally miss the mark. It's not your refusal to take the pill that makes you not ready for a sexual relationship, Fray. It's your whole attitude throughout this entire thread, your entire perspective on this sexual relationship, from your expectations of literal perfection from "the one," your impulsive breakup, your assumptions about the pros and cons of certain BC before even researching it, your body insecurities, to the fact that "good sex" isn't important to you...all of it. You come across as incredibly naive and immature about relationships and sex. For all of these reasons, and many others, I don't think you're ready for a serious relationship, sexual or otherwise. And OTHERS here have AGREED with me. Re-read the thread, Fray.
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