I'm so disappointed in my bf =(

[fray718]

Quite frankly, Fray - not only are you not emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship, I don't think you're emotionally mature enough to handle a sexual relationship either. I don't think you're capable of handling any of this until you get some serious therapy.

 

Honestly I think your thinking is too one sided here. So are you saying that everyone who refuses to get on the pill because they are not comfortable with putting some artificial hormones in their bodies is irrational and not mature enough to handle a sexual relationship? That comment I say of yours is totally crazy. I'm sorry but I think you are way too harsh. I know you're a well-respected poster and alot of things you say have merit to them but this is one statement I have to call you out on. It's just plain mean and untrue.

 

And honestly I don't care that sex feels better without a condome for ME, prob because its not a priority for me to have a so called 'great sex life'. I think being able to have sex is important (and I successfully fixed that by going to the gyno if anyone's read my previous posts) but I don't need a pill to make sex better. I think sex as it is now is very satisfying for me already and also alot of my friends also prefer condoms over the pill.

[curiousnycgirl]

Quite frankly, Fray - not only are you not emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship, I don't think you're emotionally mature enough to handle a sexual relationship either. I don't think you're capable of handling any of this until you get some serious therapy.

 

To be honest I have to agree with this one wholeheartedly. Fray you clearly have some significant insecurities, that cause you to take much of what your B/F does or says in the worst possible way. I understand this, as I've suffered the same for a long time. Something in your past has made you feel undeserving of love - so you cannot believe the good, only the bad.

 

You need help to overcome this, and I would hazard that you will not be able to truly enjoy a healthy relationship until you do. Please don't be like me and wait until later to deal with these issues. Confront them now - so you have a chance at a happy marriage with children.

[curiousnycgirl]

Honestly I think your thinking is too one sided here. So are you saying that everyone who refuses to get on the pill because they are not comfortable with putting some artificial hormones in their bodies is irrational and not mature enough to handle a sexual relationship? That comment I say of yours is totally crazy. I'm sorry but I think you are way too harsh. I know you're a well-respected poster and alot of things you say have merit to them but this is one statement I have to call you out on. It's just plain mean and untrue.

 

And honestly I don't care that sex feels better without a condome for ME, prob because its not a priority for me to have a so called 'great sex life'. I think being able to have sex is important (and I successfully fixed that by going to the gyno if anyone's read my previous posts) but I don't need a pill to make sex better. I think sex as it is now is very satisfying for me already and also alot of my friends also prefer condoms over the pill.

 

Your readiness for a relationship has nothing to do with your view of the pill. Stop focussing on the b/s - read the post as it was intended. Just like you need to believe what your b/f says to you versus how you perceived it.

 

Your reactions to posters here as well as how you've described your reactions to your b/f are what make us say these things.

[Els]

Really, SG. Why is it such a big deal that she doesn't want to take the pill? It's a personal decision -- granted she should read up more on it before refusing to take it because it's 'unnatural' or anything, but that isn't the issue here. Thing is, those risks and benefits (whatever she or you or me believe the risks and benefits are, which differs depending on which studies we'd like to believe in) affect HER. Not her bf, HER. Isn't that reason enough for her to have the prerogative to make the decision? It would be the reverse case if the male was the one who could use the pill.

 

I don't see how not choosing to take BC over condoms makes someone emotionally unqualified for a sexual relationship. Rather, I think that giving in to your bf's demands despite not having worked through your misgivings TOGETHER and finding a solution that satisfies BOTH... shows immense lack of both security and emotional maturity.

[Jilly Bean]

Hi, Fray.

 

I am one of the campers who never had a good experience with the pill. I never felt "quite right" on it, and my doc had given me a few ones to try. It decreased my sex drive, made me moody (er, moodier - lol), decreased my vaginal lubrication, made me tired, etc. I also am the type who hates taking an aspirin, so even when I have to take medication for strep throat or something, I cringe. So, certainly putting hormones in my body was not a comfortable experience either.

 

That being said, a LOT of women have very positive experiences with the pill, and experience limited side effects.

 

Ultimately, it is a personal choice. There are risks involved, as there are with anything you would put in your body (hell, even od'ing on vitamins can be toxic for you!), so you need to educate yourself and make the decision if you feel it is worth the outlined risks.

 

FWIW, though I understand your bf's feelings on not using condoms (they do suck!), you again need to decide if you want to bear the brunt of the BC issue.

 

There are other forms, such as an IUD, that won't affect you systemically, and that might be a good compromise for you both.

 

Regardless, no one can, nor should, tell you that your feelings are wrong on this issue. It is perfectly fair and valid to question the entire situation, and I think you are really entitled to how you felt, even if it wasn't broached as the best reaction.

[klee]

As far as taking BC pills, if you don't want to take them, then don't. I was on the pill for a long time (10 years) to help regulate my periods. It helped, but I gained weight, had bad skin, and serious mood swings no matter what kind I tried. So now I am bc-free and love it, except for this funky little problem of candida. Take pro-biotics (acidophillus supplements), ladies, if you are on those BC pills!

Edited March 1, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed reference to deleted comment

[BlueEyedGirl]

There are quite a few women who experience side effects from BC pills including weight gain, fatigue and nausea (and I am one of those). Not to mention that long term effects of taking BC are still unknown. I have read all the research and I feel really uncomfortable abut the pill. There is also conflicting evidence about it causing breast cancer, and there is actually more evidence that the two are linked. Also BC pill business is a huge money maker and I'm sure that it's in nobodys best interest (money will always be more important than human lives and sadly this is the kind of world we live in) to publish results that would ruin this so the information available is not the most accurate. If you dig a bit deeper, you would find that incidence of breast cancer has HUGELY increased with the start of wide spread use of oral contraceptives.

Edited January 26, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lovelorcet]

Alright let me make a point here:

 

There is very convincing evidence that there is NO correlation between taking oral BC and weight gain.

 

Here is a layman's article for that as an example:

 

http://www.wnbc.com/health/6433552/detail.html

 

So now that is just popular media so here is a link to the actually group to put this out.

 

http://www.cochrane.org/

 

Now here is a link to the actual study:

 

http://www.cochrane.org/reviews/en/ab003987.html

 

This is a comparison of 41 individual studies and they show that there is NO correlation between BC and weight gain.

 

Just because "someone" gained weight while they were on the pill does not mean that was caused by the pill.

[klee]

 

Just because "someone" gained weight while they were on the pill does not mean that was caused by the pill.

 

UM, ok. I personally was giving reasons why I don't wanna take it anymore. Maybe the pills themselves didn't make me fat, but I felt so sh*tty all the time, that maybe I was compensating with food. In which case, since the pills themselves made me moody and depressed, then obviously, they had a role in my weight gain.

 

And I don't necessarily agree that if there is a study done that means that it holds true for everyone on the face of the planet. We are all different and react as such to different medications.

[Lauriebell82]

Ok after going back and reading all these posts I have a comment. Fray, I know that you don't see going on bc as nessecary, but your arguments aren't holding up. Do you think just using condoms alone are an effective form of bc? Maybe you do.

 

But I have a question: Do you want to get pregnant? Because not having another form of BC in place is increasing your risk. Condoms are risky too..they can break! I would be scared out of my mind to just use a condom alone. Have you thought of something other than the pill? There are other methods that don't cause as severe side effects. I don't take the pill, I get the shot and I don't see any side effects except a little bit more fatigue. Granted the first year I was on it I had irregular periods but now my period has stopped completely which is totally awesome! But there are other forms of BC that are more effective then condoms and don't have hormonal side effects, however they are less effective than those methods such as the pill, depo provera, and the nuvaring.

 

Here is a link I found: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/diaphragms-caps-and-shields.htm

[fray718]

Granted the first year I was on it I had irregular periods but now my period has stopped completely which is totally awesome!

Woah your period stopped! That's not awesome, that is scary! The one time my period stopped was when I was anorexic...idk I guess I just have doubts about these drugs doing such drastic things to the body.

 

I'm not like everyone else. My body is alot weaker than most because being anorexic screwed me up physically...I have chronic low blood pressure, hair loss, etc. Also, I was on tane for 5 months and that causes permanent dryness to the body. I'm super dry! I've had alot of trauma to my body in the past and I just don't need additional stuff to make it any worse.

 

I know what you mean about the risks of just using condoms. I've thought about that, which is why I said either I do both condoms and another form of BC or just condoms alone. Either way I'm using condoms most likely and in this situation with my bf -- that is the important factor in our relationship. Honestly he doesn't seem to be concerned bout pregnancy as he never really mentioned it..he only mentioned sex without condoms feeling good in all that he said.

 

This is kind of a side thing (haha) but I think my bf actually wants kids. Once he saw a kid in a stroller and he went 'aw, so cute' then we went to this parking lot and he said 'too bad you're not pregnant or else we could have parked in the expected-mothers-only spot' . Then last weekend he dragged me into this booth where it took a pic of me and then a pic of him to combine into a pic of what our kid would look like! haha! The kid looked kinda freaky (his roommate said it looked like a demon child). My bf said 'well i hope our real kids look better than that' haha. My bf totally cracks me up

Edited January 27, 2008 by fray718

[StartingOver07]

Fray, there are other forms of BC that are not hormonally-based and which enhance pleasure. The IUD and diaphram are two. You keep skirting over these choices, choosing to fixate on the downsides of bcp.

 

You say you don't care if sex feels better, but perhaps your bf cares? If you have both been tested and STDs are not an issue, why wouldn't you want to take steps to make the sex more pleasurable for both of you? This is not an unreasonable request on his part.

 

Rather than focus on the false dilemma of bcp versus condoms, why don't you talk to your gyn about non-hormonal alternatives and then discuss these with your BF?

[Lauriebell82]

Actually it IS awesome that my period stopped. I don't have to worry about cramps, and I don't get moody or bad PMS. My bf and I don't have to work out sex life around my period also. Anyway, I think you should look at the IUP or Diaphram..they don't effect your hormones at all!

 

I'm confused about something though. Your bf is seriously talking about having kids with you and making comments like that after 2 months??? That doesn't make any sense at all to me. Maybe on some level you realize he's not the one and he is putting too much pressure on your relationship. That could be why you are using this bc issue. I'm sorry, I think that you are using this whole thing as excuse to f' up your relationship.

 

Oh and using medical problems as an excuse to not go on birth control is total BS. I have a serious medical problem and I'm still very willing to take birth control. So, the therapist in me is just thinking that this has nothing to do with BC.

[norajane]

So, the therapist in me is just thinking that this has nothing to do with BC.

 

Yes, it's about respect...needing her bf to respect her choices about her body and not push her into doing something she is hesitant about just because it's more fun for him that way.

[Lauriebell82]

Yes, it's about respect...needing her bf to respect her choices about her body and not push her into doing something she is hesitant about just because it's more fun for him that way.

 

She already admitted it's not about the birth control. And if it is, then why the heck did she get back with him?

 

So, Fray, out of curiousity if you think he is disrepecting you so much, why did you get back together????

[fray718]

She already admitted it's not about the birth control. And if it is, then why the heck did she get back with him?

 

So, Fray, out of curiousity if you think he is disrepecting you so much, why did you get back together????

 

Really, this IS about the BC, I'm not in denial in this one. Ofcourse some other things in the relationship also had some effect in why I broke up with him, but really what bothers me the most is that it seemed like he cares more about good sex than about me.

 

But I got back with him because I know that I was really impulsive in what I did...I should have gave it some more time and hear him talk more first.

 

I did some research in BC and last night we had a talk. Again, it was during sex and he couldn't orgasm...he said he's sore because of all the rubbing with the condom. We were both exhausted and we just laid there. We gave up on the sex that night. As we laid there, we had a discussion on BC. For some reason he really did not like condoms and I explained 'i know you said u dont' want to use condoms for the rest of your life, and well i don't want to use the pill for the rest of my life either'....he said 'well maybe we can find a solution for it....like a vasectomy or something'....at that point I was like 'what? isn't that permanenent?' and he's like 'yea well its reversible' and i said 'yea but not always....what if u want kids later, what if we want kids?'

 

Honestly, i didnt know that good sex was that important to him. I really don't want to get on the pill. My parents spent all their life using condoms until my mom went to menopause with no issues...same with some of my friends. Nonetheless, i told him i'll do more research and i'll need a few days to think whether i'd get on the pill because i told him no way is he getting a vasectomy. But really i don't know. Good sex is important to him, but not to me and i don't want to get on the pill just for that. I asked him what if i really don't want to get on the pill...and he said 'well, worse comes to worse, we'll just have to use condoms for the rest of our lives.'....

 

I really don't know. I just feel like now if i make him use condoms, he just won't be happy. Even if he is willing to, he really really does NOT want to. I don't know if that will work in the long run. But I did alot of research and I just don't like the idea of taking pills for the rest of my life. I"m conflicted and not sure what to do.

[norajane]

he couldn't orgasm...he said he's sore because of all the rubbing with the condom.

 

Using extra lubrication can help. Put a drop of the lube - just a drop because too much might make it slip off his penis during sex - on the inside of the condom.

[fray718]

by the way, does the IUD have this string you can feel in the vagina? I told my bf about the IUD but said that u can feel the string when ur in and he didnt seem too fond of it.

 

Also the diagram causes more side effects than bc pills almost i think. Correct me if im wrong though.

[lovelorcet]

But really i don't know. Good sex is important to him, but not to me

 

I guess that says a lot.

 

I think yo will find many men will want to engage in sex.

[fray718]

Using extra lubrication can help. Put a drop of the lube - just a drop because too much might make it slip off his penis during sex - on the inside of the condom.

 

Good tip. thanks! He also said that condoms make us lose the spontaneity of sex cuz he always have to carry around condoms...he wants to be able to just do it in the shower or during camping. I don't know, alot of my guy friends don't like condoms but they still use it. One of my guy friends actually insist on condoms cuz he doesnt want to get the girl pregnant even if the girl uses the pill

Edited January 27, 2008 by fray718

[norajane]

by the way, does the IUD have this string you can feel in the vagina? I told my bf about the IUD but said that u can feel the string when ur in and he didnt seem too fond of it.

 

Also the diagram causes more side effects than bc pills almost i think. Correct me if im wrong though.

 

You aren't supposed to be able to feel the string during sex. Why does he think you can...has he been with anyone with an IUD?

 

However, doctors generally do not want to give young women who have never had children an IUD. And some of them have birth control hormones in them...

 

The diaphragm should not have any side effects like the pill. There are no hormones. It's a disc that you put spermicide in and then put into your vagina over your cervix to prevent any sperm from getting into it. It's a barrier method, like condoms. YOu have to put it in ahead of time, though, and that can make him giving you oral sex a problem, because of the taste of the spermicide...

 

Please go out to the Planned Parenthood website and read up on all the forms of birth control out there, how they work, and what the side effect are.

[norajane]

Good tip. thanks! He also said that condoms make us lose the spontaneity of sex cuz he always have to carry around condoms...he wants to be able to just do it in the shower or during camping. I don't know, alot of my guy friends don't like condoms but they still use it. One of my guy friends actually insist on condoms cuz he doesnt want to get the girl pregnant even if the girl uses the pill

 

Sorry, but I think he's being a baby. Plenty of people use condoms and life goes on.

 

You've only been dating two months. That's not even enough time to be sure he is STD free. If he'd gotten an STD test just before dating you, there are still some STD's that might not show up on the test until 6 months later.

 

And that's hardly enough time to build up the kind of trust you need to make birth control decisions together. That he even mentioned a vasectomy as an option makes me think HE needs to do some research on birth control even more than you do.

[Lauriebell82]

Ok, I understand about the sponteneity of sex. It's awesome when you just have sex at the spur of the moment. The idea that he would even suggest a vesectomy is odd. You've only been dating for two months and he wants to do that so you can have sex without a condom??? I think your bf has some serious issues. The more I think about it, the more confused I get by your situation. Before, I thought maybe it was an issue that you were having, but now I actually think it's both of you. I understand the issue not wanting to use condoms but to go as far as to have a vesectomy is a red flag to me.

 

I think you were a little impulsive to break up with him, but this guy seems to have some issues of his own. Something you said did trigure for me though..why is having good sex not an issue to you? That just sounds odd to me.

[Star Gazer]

Really, this IS about the BC, I'm not in denial in this one. Ofcourse some other things in the relationship also had some effect in why I broke up with him, but really what bothers me the most is that it seemed like he cares more about good sex than about me.

 

Don't you see how contradictory this is? In one breath you say it IS about BC, and then say what bothers you the most is that he seems to care about good sex more than you. Which is it?

 

Although, I guess it doesn't really matter based on the following:

 

I did some research in BC and last night we had a talk. Again, it was during sex and he couldn't orgasm...he said he's sore because of all the rubbing with the condom. We were both exhausted and we just laid there. We gave up on the sex that night.

 

Honestly, i didnt know that good sex was that important to him. I really don't want to get on the pill. My parents spent all their life using condoms until my mom went to menopause with no issues...same with some of my friends.

 

Good sex is important to him, but not to me and i don't want to get on the pill just for that.

 

I"m conflicted and not sure what to do.

 

Break up with him. Period. You are simply NOT sexually compatible.

 

First, how could you not know that "good sex" was important to him??? Why isn't "good sex" important to YOU???

 

Putting aside your fears over BC, what he said about it, and the fact that "good sex" SHOULD be important in a relationship involving sex to begin with, the fact that he wants "good sex" and you don't is a HUGE compatibility issue. Sex certainly isn't everything in a relationship, but it's a big part. A very, very big part.

 

This isn't about comparing him wanting "good sex" versus his feelings for you. His desire to have a satisfying sex life where he's able to orgasm is perfectly reasonable. Why would anyone engage in a sexual relationship if the sex isn't satisfying? He's clearly not satisfied with your sex life, Fray, and he's looking for your help in improving it. They poor guy can't cum with a condom on for crying out loud, and that's all you're willing to use.

 

I really, really hope you are bringing him to climax in other ways... hand jobs, blow jobs? For the sake of your relationship, I really hope you are...

 

And never, ever, ever compare other people's sex lives to your own. Who cares if something worked for your parents in the bedroom - the two of you are not your parents.

 

Also the diagram causes more side effects than bc pills almost i think. Correct me if im wrong though.

 

You can't be serious, Fray. Are you doing ANY research? ANY at all?!? How can you possibly think that there are more side effects from a piece of plastic shoved up inside of you (a reverse condom, basically!) than a BC pill? I mean, seriously?

 

These are the "side effects" from plannedparenthood.com

 

"Possible Side Effects

* Some women who use diaphragms and shields may develop frequent bladder infections. They should urinate before inserting the diaphragm or shield, and after intercourse. A woman who gets frequent bladder infections should also have her clinician check the fit of her diaphragm.

* Women who are allergic to latex, silicone, or some brands of spermicide may not be able to use diaphragms, caps, or shields. Women who have a mild reaction to spermicide may try switching brands to clear up the problem."

 

 

As a side note, if you're having sex with condoms, you're likely not allergic. And as for bladder/UTIs, many women are prone to them from sex alone, regardless of the type of BC used (I am one of them). So in other words, for you there are NO side effects.

[Star Gazer]

*Facepalms*

 

Seriously, Fray. You are so not ready for a sexual relationship.