I'm so disappointed in my bf =(

[KingR]

I already told him he's not the one, that is a relationship-killer comment.

 

And yes he never realizes what he 'did wrong', he did say he's confused whenever I do this.

 

With my insecurities, this relationship is no longer healthy. It is doomed. I'm totally depressed right now.

 

Good...then let the man out of his prison sentence so he can find a real woman who doesn't worry about this High School BS.....poor guy...

[lovelorcet]

This is very strange and immature behavior for a 25 year old. Seek therapy because you are going to have to date men under 18 who would put up with this crap.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I do not think that she needs therapy. It all depends on how is she feeling now. If she is genuinly regreting what she did and wishing she could turn back time then yes she should seek therapy as to not have this happen again in the future.

 

If she is releived and feels that this guy is really not right for her, then she did the right thing. Perhaps she was looking for an "excuse" to dump him because she either didn't want to be in a relationship at all or she didn't want to be in a realtionship with him. Either is fine.

[Star Gazer]

Part of what therapy can show her is what constitutes a healthy relationship and what sorts of expectations are (un)reasonable. This is one of the things I'm working on with my therapist. Fray clearly doesn't know what one involves.

[ElvenPriestess]

SG, I would be quite interested to hear your thoughts based on what you've learned from your therapist. The ones I've been to have not been so helpful.

[Star Gazer]

SG, I would be quite interested to hear your thoughts based on what you've learned from your therapist. The ones I've been to have not been so helpful.

 

I just returned to therapy yesterday, so I'll let ya know, but she did recommend some books as "homework." I gave her some examples of things that bother me and get me really worked up, and she seemed to clearly believe that one of my main problems is not knowing what a real, healthy relationship is... or really, how to "own myself" in one and have realistic expectations. I'm a great dater, but I suck at the relationship part because I get all worked up over little trivial things (like Fray in some ways) and overlook the overarching compatibility issues.

[ElvenPriestess]

I think that could really help Fray. You've been given much useful info.

[4givrnt4gtr]

I just returned to therapy yesterday, so I'll let ya know, but she did recommend some books as "homework." I gave her some examples of things that bother me and get me really worked up, and she seemed to clearly believe that one of my main problems is not knowing what a real, healthy relationship is... or really, how to "own myself" in one and have realistic expectations. I'm a great dater, but I suck at the relationship part because I get all worked up over little trivial things (like Fray in some ways) and overlook the overarching compatibility issues.

 

Star, what books she gave you for homework? sounds like a great idea if some of us who dont know what a real, healthy relationship looks like (including OP) get started on some reading too

[fray718]

Update! I asked to talk to him tonight and we got back together. I told him about my insecurities and how one of my flaws is that I'm impulsive yet I really want to change and I want us to be together. He said he lost alot of confidence in us because I dumped him when he thought things were going great but he said he's willing to give it another try. I told him to trust me that I can change (and I'm going to work really hard at it) and that I truly want it to work...even if it means therapy.

 

About the BC thing, he said he doesn't want to have to use condoms forever. I said I don't like the idea of using medication long term because its bound to be bad for the body and I also think it's unnatural to have something done to my body so that it is infertile. I then asked him if using condoms is a dealbreaker. He said 'i dont know, we'll see...maybe there is something around using it.' I went home and did research and pretty much nothing else around condoms. We'll see how it goes. But basically I really don't want to nor plan to use any form of BC that involves some sort of medication in my body. It will def hurt though if he leaves me cuz I dont want to get on the pill.

Edited January 26, 2008 by fray718

[lovelorcet]

About the BC thing, he said he doesn't want to have to use condoms forever. I said I don't like the idea of using medication long term because its bound to be bad for the body and I also think it's unnatural to have something done to my body so that it is infertile.

 

And this opinion is based on which actual information?

 

There is hardly a substance which has been studied more than oral contraceptives. Millions and millions of women for more than 50 years. If your don't smoke and are under 35 then the "side effects" of the pill will on average end up being beneficial.

 

So it would seem you are making yet another decision based on your insecurities and lack of proper information.

[spookie]

Update! I asked to talk to him tonight and we got back together. I told him about my insecurities and how one of my flaws is that I'm impulsive yet I really want to change and I want us to be together. He said he lost alot of confidence in us because I dumped him when he thought things were going great but he said he's willing to give it another try. I told him to trust me that I can change (and I'm going to work really hard at it) and that I truly want it to work...even if it means therapy.

 

About the BC thing, he said he doesn't want to have to use condoms forever. I said I don't like the idea of using medication long term because its bound to be bad for the body and I also think it's unnatural to have something done to my body so that it is infertile. I then asked him if using condoms is a dealbreaker. He said 'i dont know, we'll see...maybe there is something around using it.' I went home and did research and pretty much nothing else around condoms. We'll see how it goes. But basically I really don't want to nor plan to use any form of BC that involves some sort of medication in my body. It will def hurt though if he leaves me cuz I dont want to get on the pill.

 

I'm happy that you managed to work this out, but the way you handled this situation, and your description of your (abnormal) (over)reactions to other situations in this relationship, have me convinced that you probably do need some therapy to work out your issues. You sound insecure and irrational, but I think it's fantastic that you're willing to try to work through that, perhaps with the help of a therapist; and that your boyfriend is willing to stand by your side.

 

Sometimes all we need to make changes in our life is someone for whom they're worth making.

[fray718]

And this opinion is based on which actual information?

 

There is hardly a substance which has been studied more than oral contraceptives. Millions and millions of women for more than 50 years. If your don't smoke and are under 35 then the "side effects" of the pill will on average end up being beneficial.

 

So it would seem you are making yet another decision based on your insecurities and lack of proper information.

 

I read that one of the main side effects is weight gain. People I know who got on the pill ended up gaining weight as well and some gained alot of it. I used to be anorexic and so I really do not like the idea of gaining any weight at all. Another side effect is acne. I used to suffer from severe acne and it ruined my life and only after I took Accutane did it go away...I'd freak out if my acne came back. The thought of weight gain and acne really scare me because I used to cry myself to sleep due to those things for many many years of my life.

[fray718]

I'm happy that you managed to work this out, but the way you handled this situation, and your description of your (abnormal) (over)reactions to other situations in this relationship, have me convinced that you probably do need some therapy to work out your issues. You sound insecure and irrational, but I think it's fantastic that you're willing to try to work through that, perhaps with the help of a therapist; and that your boyfriend is willing to stand by your side.

 

Sometimes all we need to make changes in our life is someone for whom they're worth making.

 

Thanks Spookie for the words of encouragement. It does make me feel much better. And yes as of now he is worth it...I'm going to start researching a good therapist.

 

Anyone know of how I can do that? Is there a website for it? I live in San Jose by the way if anyone knows of any good doctors in this area though I dont mind driving up to 25 miles for a good one. Thanks.

[spookie]

I read that one of the main side effects is weight gain. People I know who got on the pill ended up gaining weight as well and some gained alot of it. I used to be anorexic and so I really do not like the idea of gaining any weight at all. Another side effect is acne. I used to suffer from severe acne and it ruined my life and only after I took Accutane did it go away...I'd freak out if my acne came back. The thought of weight gain and acne really scare me because I used to cry myself to sleep due to those things for many many years of my life.

 

For SOME women, BC causes acne. For far more of them, it helps clear the complexion (happily, I fell in this group). But, if you took Accutane, it's not going to come back anyway, Accutane is a permanent fix from what I've heard.

 

Regarding weight gain... that's kind of a myth. Any perceived "weight" gain is actually water weight gain; some women's weight goes up, some down (usually within 5 pounds, and on average it is zero).

 

The women who say they gained a lot of it... those claims are completely unsupported by scientific fact. Probably they gained weight at the same time they went on BC because of other changes in their lives (related to diet and exercise). So it's correlation, not causality.

 

Also, remember that you can work with your doctor to find the right type and brand for you, to eliminate the possibility of even these minor side-effects.

 

You need to stop letting your prejudices and insecurities affect your judgment, Fray. I know you're a smart girl, but you need to learn not to be so impulsive, where your thoughts are concerned. Think things through.

 

If you follow your thoughts all the way through on this BC issue, for example, you'll realize there's no rational argument against it, other than, possibly, the "unnatural" thing. But then, so few things in life are "natural" nowadays anyway that it's irrelevent to use that as pro or con; it's not like there's anything natural about most of our diets nowadays, for example, or driving a car, or Accutane and other meds that we take, or sticking rubber up our vaginas.

Edited January 26, 2008 by spookie

[fray718]

or sticking rubber up your vagina.

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

Haha, well I did tell him that we can do more research on BC first before deciding on what to do. The 'unnatural' thing was not an argument, more of just me expressing to him my concern. So I am trying my best to allow time for us to think things through first. I'm trying my best to work on it.

[lovelorcet]

I read that one of the main side effects is weight gain. People I know who got on the pill ended up gaining weight as well and some gained alot of it. I used to be anorexic and so I really do not like the idea of gaining any weight at all. Another side effect is acne. I used to suffer from severe acne and it ruined my life and only after I took Accutane did it go away...I'd freak out if my acne came back. The thought of weight gain and acne really scare me because I used to cry myself to sleep due to those things for many many years of my life.

 

Your information is flat out WRONG. It has been shown now many times there is no correlation with taking the pill and weight gain.

 

The pill is actually used to treat acne for many women.

 

But thank you for proving my point that your decision making process is based on insecurities and misinformation.

 

Please seek out therapy because you seem to have multiple issue you need to take care of.

[Els]

Regarding the opening post and the BC alone...

 

It's quite a controversial thing, BC. Some studies say that it increases the risk of cancer, some say that it actually helps prevent problems like osteoporosis. There is a definite risk of side effects -- you could be one of the unlucky few (regardless of your age, smoking, etc), or you may not.

 

But fray... IMO if you've read up on the pill and you STILL don't feel comfortable using it (I personally wouldn't, as many people I know have at least some small hormonal imbalance either from starting or stopping it, from simply irregular periods and spotting to major mood swings and complete loss of libido)... I don't think you should. Do you think YOU would enjoy sex better without a condom, or do you really prefer it with? Have both of you discussed your sexual past and the possibility of STDs? If either of the above questions is a 'no', I really don't think you should switch to BC because you're obviously doing it purely for him. Just because it's a normal thing for many women to use doesn't mean that you must force yourself to also use it.

 

I'm afraid I'll contradict many of the other replies here, but I truly feel strongly for this -- your bf may be asking for a 'normal' thing, but his priorities are horribly misplaced, to the point of being worrisome. Really, if I ever asked my bf if he'd break up with me if I didn't want to use condoms and he said 'I don't know', I would seriously rethink things. Again, your views on BC may be controversial or not quite accurate, but the thing is... he didn't refute them, he didn't say 'no, honey, it doesn't cause cancer' or do anything to help you work through your dislike of pills. He said 'well I still think it'd feel better without condoms'. That's akin to saying 'I don't know whether that's true or not, but it doesn't matter, pleasure comes first'. Of course, that happened during sex, and he actually may be informed about BC and its effects, but based on your posts the only one who actually even seems to be doing research about it is you.

 

One last thing to think about... if you actually went on the pill, and you happened to be one of the unlucky few who'd had mood swings or loss of libido or menstrual problems, can you trust him to put up with you and help you through it? I read about someone who had some severe mood problems after going on the pill for her bf, and her bf dumped her because of it -- not sure whether it was on these forums or not.

[Lauriebell82]

:lmao::lmao:

 

Haha, well I did tell him that we can do more research on BC first before deciding on what to do. The 'unnatural' thing was not an argument, more of just me expressing to him my concern. So I am trying my best to allow time for us to think things through first. I'm trying my best to work on it.

 

BC effects people differently. Are we even forgetting here that BC is more EFFECTIVE at preventing unwanted pregnancies then condoms? Maybe thats why your bf would rather you be on BC, not just because it "feels good" to have sex without one. And you are worried about bodily changes with the pill..what about if you get pregnant??? Your body is going change then!!!!

 

Overall, I think that there is some other issue involved here. Honestly, most men who are not ready for fatherfood do prefer that their gfs get on BC. It's just a better peice of mind. (that's what my bf has said). So I really don't think that he is being that difficult here. But, just let me ask you something here. What if you got sick or had some medical condition and had to take medication? That may have the possiblily of causing side effects! What then? Would you put up a silly argument saying you won't take your meds?

 

I think you need to reread everything that people have said. You are being irrational, and I think the main concern is your insecurity is driving you to take control of the situation. I agree you may want to look into therapy.

[spookie]

BC effects people differently. Are we even forgetting here that BC is more EFFECTIVE at preventing unwanted pregnancies then condoms? Maybe thats why your bf would rather you be on BC, not just because it "feels good" to have sex without one. And you are worried about bodily changes with the pill..what about if you get pregnant??? Your body is going change then!!!!

 

Overall, I think that there is some other issue involved here. Honestly, most men who are not ready for fatherfood do prefer that their gfs get on BC. It's just a better peice of mind. (that's what my bf has said). So I really don't think that he is being that difficult here. But, just let me ask you something here. What if you got sick or had some medical condition and had to take medication? That may have the possiblily of causing side effects! What then? Would you put up a silly argument saying you won't take your meds?

 

I think you need to reread everything that people have said. You are being irrational, and I think the main concern is your insecurity is driving you to take control of the situation. I agree you may want to look into therapy.

 

I want to point out that she took Accutane, a powerful anti-acne drug that is associated with many side-effects.

 

From wikipedia:

• Common: mild acne flare, dryness of skin, lips and mucous membranes, infection of the cuticles, cheilitis, itch, skin fragility, skin peeling, rash, flushing, photosensitivity, nose bleeds, dry eyes, eye irritation, conjunctivitis, reduced tolerance to contact lenses, hyperlipidaemia, raised liver enzymes, headaches, hair thinning, myalgia and/or arthralgia.
  
• Infrequent: severe acne flare, raised blood glucose level, increased erythrocyte sedimentation rate, fatigue.
  
• Rare: impaired night vision, cataracts, optic neuritis, menstrual disturbances, inflammatory bowel disease, pancreatitis, hepatitis, corneal opacities, papilloedema, idiopathic intracranial hypertension, skeletal hyperostosis, extraosseous calcification, and it is believed that severe depression can occur, although there is no conclusive evidence for this.

As well as severe birth defects.

 

If she was willing to chance all that for acne, the argument that "birth control might be kinda bad so I shouldn't take it" just doesn't hold.

 

Edit: By this I mean I agree, there's some other issue at play (sounds to me like Fray was using this as an excuse to jump **** cause she was scared).

[fray718]

Well I'm going to say that comparing BC pills to Accutane is not equivalent IMO. I actually did hold off on Accutane for some time before taking it because I knew it was a strong drug and for 2 years I tried other forms of less drastic ways to cure my acne, but to no avail. I only took Accutane because it was the last resort AND because acne was RUINING my life! I cried myself to sleep because of it for so many years of my life! Accutane in a way was a life saver for me.

 

I know everyone is trying to help me here but I honestly think people telling me I'm irrational because I refuse to get on the pill is a bit too much. I agree I'm irrational and impulsive in other parts of my relationship, but alot of girls refuse to take the pill but I don't think it's irrational at all. I"m sorry but sex without condoms (unlike acne) really doesn't bother me. It is def true just like what Elyswyth said if I do it, it will be purely for him...and I refuse to take a drug just so he can have better sex. And yes the part that worries me is that honestly he's only doing this for better sex..he only mentioned the pill being more effective at BC than condoms ONCE and it was only because he was refuting my arguement that my gynecologist told me that she thought it was a good idea that I use condoms over the pill if I had a choice. My gut reaction to him and his priority of sex without condoms over me is what drove me to break up with him My gut feelings could be wrong/irrational some may say, but I'm just pointing this one thing out.

 

I'm afraid I'll contradict many of the other replies here, but I truly feel strongly for this -- your bf may be asking for a 'normal' thing, but his priorities are horribly misplaced, to the point of being worrisome. Really, if I ever asked my bf if he'd break up with me if I didn't want to use condoms and he said 'I don't know', I would seriously rethink things. Again, your views on BC may be controversial or not quite accurate, but the thing is... he didn't refute them, he didn't say 'no, honey, it doesn't cause cancer' or do anything to help you work through your dislike of pills. He said 'well I still think it'd feel better without condoms'. That's akin to saying 'I don't know whether that's true or not, but it doesn't matter, pleasure comes first'. Of course, that happened during sex, and he actually may be informed about BC and its effects, but based on your posts the only one who actually even seems to be doing research about it is you.

Those are exactly the feelings I got. HOnestly this isn't even about whether the pill is a good or bad..this is about whether or not he actually CARES about me. I asked two guys friends and they said that they'd ask the girl to get on BC and if the answer is no then it's no and they don't ask again or tell the girl that sex without condoms comes first over the girls concerns or anything. BOTH of my guy friends told me that his comments were lame. They told me that however if the guy doesn't continue to push and just back off then it's fine. My bf stopped pushing that Wednesday night before we broke up. However last night he seemed to not be fine with the idea of sex with condoms anymore. I guess it was because he was mad I dumped him and doesnt feel for me as much as before anymore and thus is now not as willing to give in to my wishes. If that is the case the I suppose that is one consequence of me breaking up with him and then wanting to get back with him again. It's something I regret but I can not go back and undo it since it's already been done. I just have to learn from it and face the consequences.

 

And to add to Elyswth's post above, this conversation happened the first time during a sex break and this second time last night it was while we had our clothes on and were talking about getting back together again. He isn't fully aware of the effects of the pill because he actually asked me what effects I'm talking about. He never addressed my concerns, he just kept repeating that he doesnt want to use condoms for the rest of his life and that he really wants sex without condoms.

Edited January 26, 2008 by fray718

[norajane]

I don't think you're being irrational. I'd be very upset if my bf were more interested in his pleasure despite my concerns about birth control pills. Also, I don't know what his sexual history is, but if he's pressing you not to use condoms, he's probably done that with other women...which increases the risk of STD's. So that would concern me as well, unless I'd seen his recent STD test results and knew 1000% that he wouldn't cheat...which, really, you can't KNOW that for sure, for sure.

 

As for the facts on cancer, you can get information here:

 

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Risk/oral-contraceptives

 

 

Oral Contraceptives and Cancer Risk: Questions and Answers

 

Key Points

• Some cancers depend on naturally occurring sex hormones for their development and growth. Researchers are interested in learning whether the hormones in oral contraceptives affect cancer risk in women (see Question 1).
  
• Some studies have shown an increased risk of breast cancer in women taking oral contraceptives, while other studies have shown no change in risk (see Question 2).
  
• Oral contraceptive use has been shown in multiple studies to decrease the risk of ovarian and endometrial cancer (see Question 3).
  
• Oral contraceptives have been shown to increase the risk of cervical cancer; however, human papillomavirus is the major risk factor for this disease (see Question 4).
  
• The risk of liver cancer is increased in women who take oral contraceptives and are otherwise considered low risk for the disease (see Question 5).

[lovelorcet]

Well I'm going to say that comparing BC pills to Accutane is not equivalent IMO. I actually did hold off on Accutane for some time before taking it because I knew it was a strong drug and for 2 years I tried other forms of less drastic ways to cure my acne, but to no avail. I only took Accutane because it was the last resort AND because acne was RUINING my life! I cried myself to sleep because of it for so many years of my life! Accutane in a way was a life saver for me.

 

 

 

This makes absolutely not sense to me...

 

 

 

Great post spookie!

[Star Gazer]

And this opinion is based on which actual information?

 

There is hardly a substance which has been studied more than oral contraceptives. Millions and millions of women for more than 50 years. If your don't smoke and are under 35 then the "side effects" of the pill will on average end up being beneficial.

 

So it would seem you are making yet another decision based on your insecurities and lack of proper information.

 

Exactly.

 

You are SO wrong about the BC pill, Fray, it's not even funny.

 

It's not a "medication," it's a hormone. And it doesn't make you "infertile," for crying out loud.

 

Seriously, read up on this MORE. Go to you gyno (you've probably never been actually, right?) and have them EXPLAIN the BENEFITS to you.

[fray718]

Exactly.

 

You are SO wrong about the BC pill, Fray, it's not even funny.

 

It's not a "medication," it's a hormone. And it doesn't make you "infertile," for crying out loud.

 

Seriously, read up on this MORE. Go to you gyno (you've probably never been actually, right?) and have them EXPLAIN the BENEFITS to you.

 

I've been to the gyno before and she asked me what BC I use and I said condoms and she said 'good!' and she went on to say that she thinks its good I use condoms because unlike pills, condoms protect me against STDs and she said condoms is an effective form of BC.

 

Basically, either I use BOTH the pill and condoms for extra protection (that is if I do enough research to be ok with the pills) or I just use condoms because I dont like the pills. Either way, sex without a condom is probably out for me.

 

Norajane - thanks for the link!

[Star Gazer]

You didn't talk to her about the BC pill and its effects, you spoke to her about the BEST form of protection. Of course - DUH! - the bill AND condoms are the best combo because you then get superior protection against pregnancy and SOME protection from STDs.

 

But you didn't sit down and talk to her about all the BENEFITS of being on the pill - which actually INCLUDE MORE PLEASURABLE SEX FOR YOU, clearer complexion (with many brands), lighter more regular periods, less-to-no cramps during your period, mood balance, and (ta da!) a DECREASED risk of uteran and ovarian cancers!

 

The risks? Water weight gain for SOME, and if you're over 35 and a smoker (which you're NOT), blood clots. There are FAR MORE risks associated with Accutane. Accutane is so bad for you, if you get pregnant while on it they recommend you terminate the pregnancy because of how likely birth defects are!

 

If you USED to be anorexic and now REFUSE to gain weight at all, even to benefit your sex life, then I can whole heartedly say that you DO need some serious therapy.

 

MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF WOMEN are on the pill, Fray. For the most part, we're all 99% satisfied with it.

 

Quite frankly, Fray - not only are you not emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship, I don't think you're emotionally mature enough to handle a sexual relationship either. I don't think you're capable of handling any of this until you get some serious therapy.

Edited January 26, 2008 by Star Gazer