4givrnt4gtr Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 'yea' with a smile? It felt like he didnt think about me or how I felt...almost like he didnt even realize that I felt hurt. Sounds like he was trying to rattle your chain. Honestly, unless he is totally and completely dense and doesnt mind losing you at all, I think he was just teasing you when he aswered like that. How long have u been together??
Author fray718 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Ok everyone, time for me to tell the truth. About 20 minutes afterward when we were in bed supposed to be sleeping, I got up and decided to go home instead. Then I told him that I don't think we're right for each other. He pleaded, telling me that he didn't think it was a big deal and that he had said he'd be fine if I dont go on BC. He said he wants us to be together and that he had made plans for us. He said he thought things were going great. He's right, it really wasn't that big of a deal. But this is in addition to what happened on Sunday when he made me cry. He apologized but I guess I'm still not over it and now this happened. I told him he's the best guy I ever dated and I never thought of anyone as possibly being the one until I met him. Then he asked why then am I pushing him away and he continued to plead. Then it just hit me. I told him 'I thought u were the one, but now I don't think so.' The look on his face after I said that made my heart ache. I regret saying it but it just hit me that he's not the one. Everything I said to him was true. After I told him that, he stopped pleading. I said "i guess that's it' then...he didn't say a word....and I just walked away. I cried all night and right now at work I still feel devasted. I miss him so much.
Author fray718 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Sounds like he was trying to rattle your chain. Honestly, unless he is totally and completely dense and doesnt mind losing you at all, I think he was just teasing you when he aswered like that. How long have u been together?? We've been together for 2 months. I am pretty sure he wasn't just rattling my chain. When he said 'yea'....I obviously looked upset. I even asked him again 'so u want me to get on the pill even wtih side effects because you don't want to use a condom?' and he said 'yea' again with a smile. He's 29, I'm 25....
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Ok everyone, time for me to tell the truth. About 20 minutes afterward when we were in bed supposed to be sleeping, I got up and decided to go home instead. Then I told him that I don't think we're right for each other. He pleaded, telling me that he didn't think it was a big deal and that he had said he'd be fine if I dont go on BC. He said he wants us to be together and that he had made plans for us. He said he thought things were going great. He's right, it really wasn't that big of a deal. But this is in addition to what happened on Sunday when he made me cry. He apologized but I guess I'm still not over it and now this happened. I told him he's the best guy I ever dated and I never thought of anyone as possibly being the one until I met him. Then he asked why then am I pushing him away and he continued to plead. Then it just hit me. I told him 'I thought u were the one, but now I don't think so.' The look on his face after I said that made my heart ache. I regret saying it but it just hit me that he's not the one. Everything I said to him was true. After I told him that, he stopped pleading. I said "i guess that's it' then...he didn't say a word....and I just walked away. I cried all night and right now at work I still feel devasted. I miss him so much. Ahhhhh. So you were looking for an after-the-fact reason to justify your mistake in ending your relationship. It all makes sense now. What did he do on Sunday that "made" you cry? The last thread you started was about you "messing up" by getting so drunk you passed out in public. Everyone goes through periods of doubts in relationships, particularly when the rose colored glasses come off. That doesn't mean the person isn't "the one," nor does it mean you need to communicate to your BF every time you have a moment of doubt about his "the one" status. But telling him that he's not "the one" - what effect does that have? I'll tell you: for him, there's no point in staying in a dead-end relationship.
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 We've been together for 2 months. I am pretty sure he wasn't just rattling my chain. When he said 'yea'....I obviously looked upset. I even asked him again 'so u want me to get on the pill even wtih side effects because you don't want to use a condom?' and he said 'yea' again with a smile. He's 29, I'm 25.... The "side effects" you speak of are illusory for someone your age who doesn't smoke. They don't exist. He probably knows this. For MANY people, any "risk" associated with the pill is WELL WORTH the benefit of spontaneous, much-more-pleasurable sex. He was being perfectly reasonable here.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Has he contacted you any , since the break up to reconcile things? Im sure you should be expecting a call from him considering the fact that he thought everything was going great and then you tell him that you two arent right for each other. If he calls will you pick up, or are you serious about letting him go?
Author fray718 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 The "side effects" you speak of are illusory for someone your age who doesn't smoke. They don't exist. He probably knows this. For MANY people, any "risk" associated with the pill is WELL WORTH the benefit of spontaneous, much-more-pleasurable sex. He was being perfectly reasonable here. It's not WHAT he said but rather it was how he reacted to my comment. He obviously didn't even know what the side effects are cuz he asked me what they were. I cried on sunday at a car race. The clerk had to scan my photo ID and I look really bad in the pic. Before the scan, his arms were around me and I told him that he's totally gonna make fun of me cuz I look really bad in it. Right when my pic was scanned and it showed up on the screen, he immediately let go of me and walked 3 feet away from me. For 5 mins while it was scanning he was just looking at the screen and did not say a word. It felt like he was disgusted by me because I used to look not so attactive (I had a boy's haircut). I looked at him and he did not look at me. Only after like another 5-10 mins did he mutter, 'pic's not so bad, you looked ok before." But I felt hurt cuz he pushed me away when he saw the pic and it made me think long term again like what would happen if I got pregant or turned ugly? I expressed my thoughts to him and he apologized and denied that he pushed me away. He said he just moved to a diff angle to get a better look at what the clerk was doing or some lame excuse. Again, he never did anyhting really bad or wrong. I even told him this last ngiht when I broke up with him. I told him that i'm looking for the one and that is why I expect so much. And I said sorry that I'm always throwing this kind of stuff at him and he said that most of hte time he thinks things are great and that he's happy with me. But I expect things to be so much better, I have such high expectations of 'the one'.
Author fray718 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Has he contacted you any , since the break up to reconcile things? Im sure you should be expecting a call from him considering the fact that he thought everything was going great and then you tell him that you two arent right for each other. If he calls will you pick up, or are you serious about letting him go? This is the third time that something like this has happened. The first two times he pleaded and I got a soft heart and I gave in. This time he also pleaded, but when I told him I dont think he's the one, he stopped pleading and did not say a word and let me walk away. It's over. Like SG says, he wont want to be in a dead end relationship. Perhaps i told him he's not the one so that this time I wont get soft hearted again.
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) This is the third time that something like this has happened. The first two times he pleaded and I got a soft heart and I gave in. This time he also pleaded, but when I told him I dont think he's the one, he stopped pleading and did not say a word and let me walk away. It's over. Like SG says, he wont want to be in a dead end relationship. Perhaps i told him he's not the one so that this time I wont get soft hearted again. The third time? By my count we have the one comment about requesting you go on the pill, and him looking at a bad picture of you and complimenting it. I cried on sunday at a car race. The clerk had to scan my photo ID and I look really bad in the pic. Before the scan, his arms were around me and I told him that he's totally gonna make fun of me cuz I look really bad in it. Right when my pic was scanned and it showed up on the screen, he immediately let go of me and walked 3 feet away from me. For 5 mins while it was scanning he was just looking at the screen and did not say a word. It felt like he was disgusted by me because I used to look not so attactive (I had a boy's haircut). I looked at him and he did not look at me. Only after like another 5-10 mins did he mutter, 'pic's not so bad, you looked ok before." But I felt hurt cuz he pushed me away when he saw the pic and it made me think long term again like what would happen if I got pregant or turned ugly? I expressed my thoughts to him and he apologized and denied that he pushed me away. He said he just moved to a diff angle to get a better look at what the clerk was doing or some lame excuse. Okay, I think you're being really lame here. Him dropping his arms from you to look at the picture or get a better angle seems like normal body language. He said it wasn't a bad picture, and assured you that what you were thinking was wrong. I don't see how this warrants getting all bent out of shape, let alone crying...in public, no less. Again, he never did anyhting really bad or wrong. I even told him this last ngiht when I broke up with him. I told him that i'm looking for the one and that is why I expect so much. And I said sorry that I'm always throwing this kind of stuff at him and he said that most of hte time he thinks things are great and that he's happy with me. But I expect things to be so much better, I have such high expectations of 'the one'. Your expectations are unreasonable, IMO. No one is perfect. YOU yourself aren't perfect. YOU got so drunk with your BF you passed out in a public restroom, and yet you're going to get so upset that you cry when he physically lets go of you to move to look at a picture of you? You won't have to worry about getting soft hearted again. No real man is going to beg and plead to be in a dead-end relationship. That all having been said, given what you get so upset about, I really don't think you're emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship. Edited January 24, 2008 by Star Gazer
Author fray718 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 The third time? By my count we have the one comment about requesting you go on the pill, and him looking at a bad picture of you and complimenting it. Okay, I think you're being really lame here. Him dropping his arms from you to look at the picture or get a better angle seems like normal body language. He said it wasn't a bad picture, and assured you that what you were thinking was wrong. I don't see how this warrants getting all bent out of shape, let alone crying...in public, no less. Your expectations are unreasonable, IMO. No one is perfect. YOU yourself aren't perfect. YOU got so drunk with your BF you passed out in a public restroom, and yet you're going to get so upset that you cry when he physically lets go of you to move to look at a picture of you? You won't have to worry about getting soft hearted again. No real man is going to beg and plead to be in a dead-end relationship. That all having been said, given what you get so upset about, I really don't think you're emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship. I know that my expectations are really high but they are not unreasonable. I compare my ex bf to my sister's bf and her bf is soooo much better. I didn't cry in public, I tried to hold it in and I didn't cry until we were alone. I tried my best not to cry but the tears just came out. I wasn't mad at him about that afterward. I didn't break up with him over it. He's not a bad person. In fact, I mean it when I say he's the best guy I ever dated. He certainly is the nicest overall. It's just that we are funadmentally incompatible. He's just not the one.
Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I know that my expectations are really high but they are not unreasonable. I compare my ex bf to my sister's bf and her bf is soooo much better. I didn't cry in public, I tried to hold it in and I didn't cry until we were alone. I tried my best not to cry but the tears just came out. I wasn't mad at him about that afterward. I didn't break up with him over it. He's not a bad person. In fact, I mean it when I say he's the best guy I ever dated. He certainly is the nicest overall. It's just that we are funadmentally incompatible. He's just not the one. The grass will almost always be greener on the other side when you're not watering your own lawn. I just don't see how from these two "incidents" that you've concluded that you're incompatible, particularly given that he IS in fact the best you've ever had...
StartingOver07 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Has he contacted you any , since the break up to reconcile things? Im sure you should be expecting a call from him considering the fact that he thought everything was going great and then you tell him that you two arent right for each other. If he calls will you pick up, or are you serious about letting him go? Why should he call her? If he had said to her that he thought she was the one but now realized she wasn't, everyone here would be telling her she's better off without him, he's a jerk, she can do better, don't pursue him, etc.
StartingOver07 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 But I expect things to be so much better, I have such high expectations of 'the one'. I know that my expectations are really high but they are not unreasonable. I compare my ex bf to my sister's bf and her bf is soooo much better. Uh oh. Fray, this is totally unreasonable. First off, you don't know your sister's bf in the same context. How you perceive your sister's r/s with her bf may or may not mirror reality (likely, it doesn't). Second, it's fine to have high expectations so long as they are within reason. But you have had this guy under a microscope, analysing his every word and deed, for the entire time you've been with him. Further, you want him to accept all the "flaws" you bring to the table (and we all have flaws, I am not singling you out) but you don't want to cut him any slack. I think you should take some time and try to figure out why you have sabotaged this r/s and what it is you are truly looking for. Based on your posts here, I am not sure any man will be able to be "the one" for you untill you resolve some of the issues around your expectations.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Why should he call her? If he had said to her that he thought she was the one but now realized she wasn't, everyone here would be telling her she's better off without him, he's a jerk, she can do better, don't pursue him, etc. From what I read, I thought she was the one who told him that he wasnt right for her! maybe i misread it Then it just hit me. I told him 'I thought u were the one, but now I don't think so.' The look on his face after I said that made my heart ache. I regret saying it but it just hit me that he's not the one. Everything I said to him was true. After I told him that, he stopped pleading. I said "i guess that's it' then...he didn't say a word....and I just walked away. I cried all night and right now at work I still feel devasted. I miss him so much
allina Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 You did the right thing by letting him go, you two weren't compatible. What is confusing for me is that what I'm reading here does not sound like the thought process of a healthy, rational, 25 year old woman. I have very high expectations when it comes to how I am treated in a relationship. I think it's important to expect the best from the person that we commit to for the long road but you are way off base here. I'm not saying that you're a bad person but you seem really lost, possibly sheltered? Have you had a lasting relationship before?
Author fray718 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 You did the right thing by letting him go, you two weren't compatible. What is confusing for me is that what I'm reading here does not sound like the thought process of a healthy, rational, 25 year old woman. I have very high expectations when it comes to how I am treated in a relationship. I think it's important to expect the best from the person that we commit to for the long road but you are way off base here. I'm not saying that you're a bad person but you seem really lost, possibly sheltered? Have you had a lasting relationship before? He is my first real bf. I lost my virginity to him. Perhaps this is why I act the way I do, yet I can't help how I feel.
4givrnt4gtr Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 It's not WHAT he said but rather it was how he reacted to my comment. He obviously didn't even know what the side effects are cuz he asked me what they were. I cried on sunday at a car race. The clerk had to scan my photo ID and I look really bad in the pic. Before the scan, his arms were around me and I told him that he's totally gonna make fun of me cuz I look really bad in it. Right when my pic was scanned and it showed up on the screen, he immediately let go of me and walked 3 feet away from me. For 5 mins while it was scanning he was just looking at the screen and did not say a word. It felt like he was disgusted by me because I used to look not so attactive (I had a boy's haircut). I looked at him and he did not look at me. Only after like another 5-10 mins did he mutter, 'pic's not so bad, you looked ok before." But I felt hurt cuz he pushed me away when he saw the pic and it made me think long term again like what would happen if I got pregant or turned ugly? I expressed my thoughts to him and he apologized and denied that he pushed me away. He said he just moved to a diff angle to get a better look at what the clerk was doing or some lame excuse. Hm im reading a book called Self-Esteem that talks about how a lot of times people tend to mind read ("It felt like he was disgusted by me because I used to look not so attactive (I had a boy's haircut") in order to avoid rejection. There is no way you could tell what he was thinking, you are only projecting what YOU thought of the picture. In any case, maybe you need to take some time to figure out if you are ready for a relationship otherwise, you will always be "guessing" what they are thinking and why they are doing whatever they may be doing at the moment. Good luck
Ocean-Blue Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 He is my first real bf. I lost my virginity to him. Perhaps this is why I act the way I do, yet I can't help how I feel. It's possible. Repeated drama and pushing away can create the oppostive effect. Are you thinking that by you being emotional and guilt tripping that he's somehow going to turn around and run into arms? That he'll be the perfect mate you want him to be. Let me tell you. This kind of emotional roller coaster...it drives them away. They run at the sight of it. Don't allow yourself to go there... STOP it now, while you still can. And yes, losing your V to someone can have some pretty intense effects.
4givrnt4gtr Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 That all having been said, given what you get so upset about, I really don't think you're emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship. Lol Star, always so blunt...and right. Although i think its more about her having low self esteem, otherwise i really doubt she would have taken the whole arm dropping so offensively. OP you need to figure out why you feel so threatened that simple things would make a perfectly good guy "incompatible". Figure out what makes you feel so afraid that your SO will find you not good enough or not worthy of respect (as seen with the whole pill incident), then once you've solve those issues, you might be ready to be in a relationship.
Author fray718 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 It's possible. Repeated drama and pushing away can create the oppostive effect. Are you thinking that by you being emotional and guilt tripping that he's somehow going to turn around and run into arms? That he'll be the perfect mate you want him to be. Let me tell you. This kind of emotional roller coaster...it drives them away. They run at the sight of it. Don't allow yourself to go there... STOP it now, while you still can. And yes, losing your V to someone can have some pretty intense effects. Yes I know that repeated drama is bad, which is why I know I already ruined this relationship. Perhaps I ruined a good thing.
Ocean-Blue Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Yes I know that repeated drama is bad, which is why I know I already ruined this relationship. Perhaps I ruined a good thing. Is it too late to sit down and talk to him? Maybe he's unaware of what's going on with you...your insecurities, etc. If he doesn't know what he's doing wrong, he can't make things better.
Author fray718 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Is it too late to sit down and talk to him? Maybe he's unaware of what's going on with you...your insecurities, etc. If he doesn't know what he's doing wrong, he can't make things better. I already told him he's not the one, that is a relationship-killer comment. And yes he never realizes what he 'did wrong', he did say he's confused whenever I do this. With my insecurities, this relationship is no longer healthy. It is doomed. I'm totally depressed right now.
Ocean-Blue Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I already told him he's not the one, that is a relationship-killer comment. And yes he never realizes what he 'did wrong', he did say he's confused whenever I do this. With my insecurities, this relationship is no longer healthy. It is doomed. I'm totally depressed right now. What does "the one" mean anyway? You don't actually believe there is ONE person out there for you, do you? If you said it in the heat of the moment, then take it back. You're human, you can rectify things IF you talk to him and explain things. But then again, maybe you really weren't feeling him... And you've just adopted this "boohoo" thing but really, deep down you are glad it's over? If you honestly believe the R is over, then I guess all you can do is move on. But if there's still something left and it's worth trying to fix, then fix it!
Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 And yes he never realizes what he 'did wrong', he did say he's confused whenever I do this. Most of us don't either... probably because he's not really doing anything "wrong" to begin with. I just returned from therapy, so I have a clearer mind when it comes to other people's sh*t. That said, you need it too, Fray. Find yourself a good therapist.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Ok I just read over the thread. From a therapist's perspective, I think you were having doubts about your relationship so it took what your bf said about the birth control to push you over the edge to break up. I agree with the others that say that you probably overreacted to what he said. I think his timing was off, but I really do think that the situation could have been handled differently. I find that men respond to issues that their gfs bring to the table better if it is more in the form of an honest expression of feelings rather than a lecture about what they did "wrong." I'm guilty of the "what you did was wrong" thing as well, but I'm learning more and more that honest expression of feelings helps deal with emotions in a relationship better than telling him what he did was wrong. As a therapist, I know that communication is essential. Conflict and bad feelings can never be avoided in a relationship, nor should they be. I think on some level you just really didn't want to be in the relationship, therefore used what he said as amunition to break up with him. Honestly I don't think what he said to be a dealbreaker. So he wants to have sex without a condom? Most men do!!! It feels better, and bc is more effective at preventing pregnancy anway! And by the way..bc side effects are different for every woman. You may want to make a gyno appointment and discuss your concerns with a doctor. That may put your mind at ease. Like SG said, maybe you could consider therapy as well to do with some of your insecurities, so you can discontinue the distructive relationship pattern.
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