sedgwick Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) i just got an email from my senior-year-of-high-school/freshman-year-of-college boyfriend. i haven't talked to him in almost 20 years! i broke up with him, and have always felt like a bit of a sh*theel about it. but i was soooo anorexic and f*cked up, blah blah blah. anyway, tonight i've really been struggling with the urge to call joe and beg him to love me again and send him my book and tell him i'm taking banjo lessons, tell him i love him more than life itself, etc. i'm literally fighting the urge minute by minute to send him my book and say something like, "i always hoped you might be able to see this as music." so here's the email i got tonight: "Sedgwick, "A ten-second dream sequence two nights ago had me google you tonight. I've read some of the easy-to-find posts and all I can feel is respect and admiration. And pride--not just for how you've acheived (although that is there as well) but somehow a selfish, internal feeling for the fact that my life was blessed to touch yours at some point. "I hope so much that contacting you isn't hurtful or bothersome. Even though it's been almost 20 years since we really talked about much of anything, I love, respect, and admire you so very much in ways that I was not capable of in 1988-1990. "Your photos are magnificent. I'm sorry you've had hurt, but I think you're amazing for your strength, your beauty, and your ability to articulate in ways that I can only rub my eyes and envy. "God bless you, Sedgwick. "R." wow. just...wow. i wrote him back thanking him profusely and telling him how happy i was to hear from him. it really does shock me that anyone i've been with would write something like that to me. i am so broken over joe, my self-esteem so destroyed, my ability to trust shattered. i really do feel like he's either completely forgotten i exist, hates me, or is off somewhere laughing at me for not being talented or cool enough to hang with him and his friends. i don't feel that i will ever love or trust again. i don't feel any more sure of my capacity to do so than i felt six months ago when he left me. i thought we had this beautiful, blossoming mind-and-body-meld that was us, and he decided the thing to do with that was to dump me and stop speaking to me. the knowledge that his life is better without me in it is still so devastating. i wanted to be so good to him and for him. i wanted to dance while he played bass, to learn how victrolas were put together, to learn more about the kind of music he loved, to get us an apartment with my book money and buy a massage table so i could work on him properly when he came in off the road. i wanted to give him great sex, to do things with him that had previously only existed in his fantasies (before i found out his only fantasy is a chick who can fiddle while they do it.) i wanted to find victrola needles in the laundry for the rest of my days. i wanted to hold him in my arms and feel him breathing while he slept. i opened my whole self up to him in a way i never knew was possible, and i wanted him to know exactly how special he was for inspiring that ability in me. and the thing he thought would be best was to cut me out of his world completely and totally stop speaking to me. i'm sort of resigned now to the fact that i'm not going to get over this, at least not anytime in the foreseeable future. i'm sort of okay with sending him whatever love i can, even if it's just saying, "i love you completely for exactly who you are" every night before i fall asleep. if that's all he'll allow me to give, i'll give it. but it's nice to know that R is proud of how i grew up. it's nice to think that maybe someday joe might see something good in me too. Edited January 24, 2008 by sedgwick
Ocean-Blue Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 How kind and thoughtful of R to contact you! Very sweet that email was. You're a lucky gal. You sure left an impression on that one...
frd150 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 What a nice surprise. You know sedgwik what you said,the things you feel are so very similar to how I feel about my ex the difference is that you have articulated it better than me. I should be totally moved on by now but thse feelings were and are so powerful. She will never know or perhaps maybe she will. I hope that one day i meet some one with the same feeling and heart that you have. You know when your with someone you dont have to act on all the feelings you described,you merely need to feel them enough so your mate feels it too. Its a comforting feeling that I miss so much(tear).
Jmina Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 (dont apologise for the length of your post! it wasnt long for the record... havnt you took any notice of how long mine can be! lol this is going to be long) "the knowledge that his life is better without me in it is still so devastating. i wanted to be so good to him and for him. i wanted to dance while he played bass, to learn how victrolas were put together, to learn more about the kind of music he loved, to get us an apartment with my book money and buy a massage table so i could work on him properly when he came in off the road. i wanted to give him great sex, to do things with him that had previously only existed in his fantasies (before i found out his only fantasy is a chick who can fiddle while they do it.) i wanted to find victrola needles in the laundry for the rest of my days. i wanted to hold him in my arms and feel him breathing while he slept. i opened my whole self up to him in a way i never knew was possible, and i wanted him to know exactly how special he was for inspiring that ability in me" Sedgwick, darl, love. i wanted to do all that too, and if i really think about it and talk myself into thinking about those things then i would STILL want to do it... but i can't. Im not prepared to rub it in anymore. It hurts You MUSNT do this to yourself. Your torturing yourself! Can you imagine one of us sitting there next to you saying the same thing to you as youve stated. it would really be like rubbing it in. You need to be kind to yourself and this is not the way. You need to get a different perspective now, and start thinking of yourself and living for sedgwick. Not Joe, not that stuffy old musician. What a horrible excuse to give for the breakup. The reason your so angered by it and so confused is because you can see right through it. You cant accept it because its not true. He broke up with you because he doesnt want to be with you. If you knew this was the real reason you wouldnt be hopeful that one day he will accept your writing and take you back. He may buy into the fact of what he is saying to, but really deep down its really not the reason. Anybody can see you would be a wonderful writer! (i want to read your book!) I hear you, this man did something for you, he inspired you, he may have changed your life in a pivotal way - emotionally, artistically. He must be very special and unique. You had him in your life and he had you in your life, now your on different paths. He is on his path and you are on your path. A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. A womens gotta do what a womens gotta do. Even if it means breaking up. Ending all ties. This man WAS great to you. (notice past tense) but you dont know him now, you dont know Joe in janurary 25th 2008. You don't love the Joe of now. He is in the past, your past. You can own it, the love has been recorded it didnt go unwasted by either of you, remember it, become aware of the gifts it brought you but leave it at that. It is in the past and your living in it. You must find a way to start letting go. you must. Look, what you wrote about is so gentle and loving. It is beautiful, and i speak for myself when i know just how you feel, your heart is lovely, its amazing, Look at what love you are capable of... darling its really really special. You YOU SEDGWICK!!! Your life isn't over, its changed. You will work out how to let him go because you have a very kind heart and its the kind of heart that will open for yourself. Its the kind of heart that will count itself. You will heal. You still can be good to someone, you still can dance to bass, you still can learn how victrolas were put together, you can learn about the music he and many others loved, you still can buy a massage table and treat someone lovely the way youre heart will let you. You still can have great sex, you can do everything you wanted to do but because he isnt there doesnt mean you can't do these things. Do you really want to sit back when your 70 years old and regret the torture you put yourself through when you could have been loving yourself, other people, the world, the way you have demonstrated in your posts. I think you are realising how gentle and loving you really are and now that your sensing that you really want to show him this, and put it into practice! but that was just the lesson in your breakup. That is what you gained. You don't need anyone to make you feel special, worthy, artistic, talented, because it is you that must create the feeling of worthyness, the feeling of being artistic, creative, talented. Its already there. Nobody and defenetly Joe shouldnt make you feel that you are good enough or not. Not for him not for anybody. If the prick wanted a musician he could have taught you. If he wanted to fall in love with a musician well thats just what hes is probably looking for. You need to find who you are and what you want again so you can set yourself up for your desires. Youre heart desires a lot that someone else can give you. You can feel the rise and fall of a chest again you can make love again. If you heart worked once, it will heal and it will work again. Just let it heal by controlling those thoughts. --------------------------------------- Now that email was lovely that your old ex wrote. See how in your life somebody is criticizing you or being challangeable, but at the same time someone else if lifting you up. Joe is gone, and youre really being challanged by this, but this exact experience is bringing you gifts. It is these gifts that you will go on to touch others with! Sedgwick that is the love in form of challange. To balance out the challange the love you are recieving is in the form of support. Love is all around in both ways. Challange and suport and everybody experiences this, some of us just really arent aware of it. So your a writer. Get out your pen and paper and write about you, not what you wanted to do with him, but what you want out of a relationship and aim for that in someone else. Dont settle for anything less. It doesnt mean that you ready to go out looking but it will bring you a sense of worthyness and a sense of direction instead of muddling around in sorrow. Post up Sedgwick i wanna hear about you Jmina
Jmina Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Did you get through all of that? it might take a while to digest. I just want to say i really do know how you feel. Your post is capturing the last stage that i went through. It was realising who i was and what im capable of and not understanding why everyone else can see it except for my ex. Its like she was this big mean old teacher who plays favourites. Everyone was a teachers pet except for me. There was something about me that she can't accept. and well that is just how it has to be.. Now i dont care how she feels about me. a good exercise is to take blame for every single action that you did in the relationship that your not proud of, everything that you would do different now. Take the blame for it say "yes i did this or that and i did it for this reason" but only take the blame for it because you love yourself enough to acknowledge what you had done and now you have grown more to do it differently. If you have taken the blame then you can see more clearly why he might not want to be with you and it takes the edge off. You do this exercise with a sense of strength and peace, not self pity. Be at peace with your past actions. We all do the best we can at any time, then we go through some struggles and we grow. Those are our lessons in a nutshell. Give him permission to hate you. Give him permission to think your the worst person in the world. If you can honestly do this then its a huge step forward. You need to accept that he doesnt have you on a pedistal like you have him and when you take your own blame and come at peace with it you will hold yourself higher and he will come down off his pedistal just a bit. try it when your ready. write a letter explaining EVERYTHING cover every topic, stay strong in your letter and open hearted. You know you did your best and you know you gave him everything you thought that he needed. dont become bitter to him or pity yourself. Its not the time. Everything has a place but this letter is for you to be at peace with your past and doing so you may set him free. I hope i have been able to help in some way sedgwick. Jmina
carrotgirl Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Give him permission to hate you. Give him permission to think your the worst person in the world. If you can honestly do this then its a huge step forward. You need to accept that he doesnt have you on a pedistal like you have him and when you take your own blame and come at peace with it you will hold yourself higher and he will come down off his pedistal just a bit. This was a very important step for me. It really helped me separate myself and GD from us, the couple us, and re-learn to see him as a completely distinct, unrelated person who is deserving of all the things I am, including hating me, resenting me, being angry with me. What a huge difference. Sed, I am especially touched by your NC dedication and effort. I draw a lot of strength from your strength. Did you know that? It doesn't matter to me that the situations aren't the same. I have often gotten through a difficult time by reminding myself, Sedgwick has been doing this for months so you can try to get through a few hours. YOU are such an amazing human being. Thank you! Carrot
Ronni_W Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Give him permission to hate you. Give him permission to think your the worst person in the world. ... You need to accept that he doesnt have you on a pedistal like you have Jmina, thanks SO much for sharing that! It has really helped put things in perspective regarding a (family) relationship that I've been struggling with for far too long. God bless.
Storyrider Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 It is one of my long-time fantasies to write a book and have all my exes search me out, admire my picture on the jacket cover and express their regret at letting me go. Ha ha! Congratulations! You're living one of my fantasies! (And maybe one of your own?!)
Author sedgwick Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Wow...you guys kick ass. I don't even know what to say. Jmina, thank you for your eternal wisdom -- your ex was an IDIOT to let such a beautiful woman with such a beautiful heart get away. I hope you know that it is entirely her loss. Carrot, thank you for the NC support. I can't stop thinking that MAYBE he didn't get my text, maybe this, maybe that, maybe if I told him ONE MORE TIME how much I love him...but that's just silly. I can't make all the effort while he makes none. He knows I love him and he knows where I live. If he wants to find me, he can find me. I can only assume at this point that he doesn't, and I love him enough to give him what he wants. If what he wants is a life without me, well, then I'll still tell him every night I love him, it's just that now I say it into the air. I hope the universe somehow finds a way of getting that love to him. I hope he knows what a special, beautiful, exceptional person he is. And as for the "exes seeing my pic on the book jacket and telling me they were wrong to let me go" thing, well, there is no book jacket yet -- the release date is this time next year. And I let him go, not the other way around. But still, I let him go largely because he was a big Christian and I always felt he was judging me because I wasn't. So it's nice to know he's not just thinking I'm out here being a heathen. Even though I am.
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