Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 ...I'm talking about timing here (3 months, 6 months, year), not events (deaths, holidays, etc.). I've noticed that many relationships have make-it-or-break-it deadlines, but I'm having difficultly labeling what each deadline means. For example, this is the pattern I'm noticing: 3 weeks = "Either you like me enough to continue dating me, or you don't." 3 months = "Either you want to be in an exclusive relationship with me, or you don't." But after that... I'm lost. It seems there's usually a 6 month and 1 year milestone, as many couples seem to break up around the 6 month and 1 year marks. But what do they usually signify? What's next? There's gotta be milestones in between being in a relationship and being so serious as talking about cohabitation and marriage...right? How would you characterize the progression of your HEALTHY relationships?
Pyro Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) I never payed attention to or noticed any pattern to any of those dates except the year mark. For everyone of my relationships, when it came close to the one year mark, it was a challenge to overcome, but we always did. How does that happen like that? Edited January 24, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
oppath Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I think these milestones are often transparent in healthy, long lasting relationships. I doubt most relationships that last had some big discussion at 6 months "I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship." That is not to say a relationship can't endure that discussion, it's just that ones that endure, both people are usually on the same page so those milestones aren't issues. A one year anniversary is just a convenient time for introspection. It could happen a couple months earlier or later. I believe that thinking "OMG, 1 year" kind of forces the issue in your brain. It makes you realize the relationship has some sense of permanence. For some people, that can be scary.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Well, in my past relationships many of them have failed between the 6-10 month mark mainly because we started talking about marriage/future during that time and it put too much pressure on our relationship. That coupled with the fact that I was fairly young (20-21) probably had a great impact on the progression. Plus we probably weren't all that compatible. I've had one other long term relationship aside from my current bf that lasted 2 1/2 years. We also began talking about a future/marriage/cohabitation around the 1 year mark. Things went well after that and we were together a year 1/2, however it had an impact on our relationship because we were only 22 and how fast things progressed freaked my ex bf out, and it went downhill from there. My current relationship has been so much different, because my bf and I hadn't started talking about any of that until a couple months ago and we have been together for 1.5 years. I posted about it because I was perplexed and questioned why it hadn't happened sooner. Our relationship felt less pressure after I realized that. Anyway, sorry for the speal. I think maybe the one year milestone is a question of "deal or no deal" however some relationships are still at the "ok getting more serious, but nowhere near thinking about a future." So I think it just depends on the relationship and the people in it. And I think you break up/have problems around 6ish months if you aren't compatible to begin with because you learn mroe and more about each other. Phew, that was kind of draining lol
spookie Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I've always wondered about this kind of thing as well. When do people in healthy R's start having sex? Decide they are "in love"? With my ex, all the early milestones were kinda squished into the first month and a half. The one-year milestone effectively ended the honeymoon period for us because around that time I realized I wanted the R to progress to more commitment (meeting family, discussing cohab/marriage etc.) while he did not. We spent the next two years trying to figure out what to do.
spookie Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 How long has it been for you and your guy, Star?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) i think healthy relationships don't require this kind of constant questioning and set planning. healthy relationships typically progress naturally on their own. Edited January 24, 2008 by KenzieAbsolutely
Author Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 i think healthy relationships don't require this kind of constant questioning. healthy relationships typically progress naturally on their own. What questioning of a relationship are you referring to? I'm not questioning any particular relationship, I'm just wondering about the natural progression of relationships in general. I know how to date, but in many ways I don't know how to progress into a serious relationship because it's been a LONG time since I've been in one. The fact of the matter is, there ARE natural "steps" and "phases" in EVERY romantic relationship. You don't get married at 3 weeks, you don't decide to be exclusive after waiting 2+ years. After a certain period, if it's not progressing as it should, you move on (or if too fast, ya slow down [or try to]). What I'm wondering about is what constitutes the "as it should" part, at particular very-generalized marks in time.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 How long has it been for you and your guy, Star? About 4 months.
Touche Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I think it's different for each couple. I'll answer your question in regards to my ("healthy" as you put it) relationship. After 4 weeks of dating, seeing each other every night nearly and if not then we talked for hours on the phone, he proposed. We got married after knowing each other eight months. I mean that worked for us but I don't know that that would work for everyone. I think stage in life has a lot to do with it and of course compatibility. My ex and I were together 6 years (on and off) before we got married and that was a disaster. The marriage lasted 3 years (barely).
sb129 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 The fact of the matter is, there ARE natural "steps" and "phases" in EVERY romantic relationship. You don't get married at 3 weeks,. Well, I actually do know a couple who got engaged after three weeks, and five years later are still happily married with a daughter. I think they are an exception to the rule though! As you know, WB and I were engaged by our one year anniversary, but as we are both now in our early 30s with several failed Rs each behind us, we could both recognise that we are onto a good thing with eachother, AND seeing as we both want children, didn't see the point in messing around too much. By the time we get married we will have been together 2 years and 2 months- a short time in some respects, but at the stage of life we are both at, long enough! If my EX had proposed to me after one year (impossible, seeing as at that stage he was still married to someone else and our R was only just starting to become common knowledge to his family and his exW) i would have said NO! He actually did propose (of sorts) after 2 years, and I had such misgivings about it I ended the R.
blind_otter Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 The fact of the matter is, there ARE natural "steps" and "phases" in EVERY romantic relationship. You don't get married at 3 weeks, you don't decide to be exclusive after waiting 2+ years. After a certain period, if it's not progressing as it should, you move on (or if too fast, ya slow down [or try to]). What I'm wondering about is what constitutes the "as it should" part, at particular very-generalized marks in time. My exH's parents got married after knowing each other a month. They are still together 30 years later....
dropdeadlegs Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I'm not sure these qualify as milestones because they are more along the line of observations, and only for me I suppose. At one year I feel like the gloves and blinders come off, or the honeymoon phase begins to end. I start to notice that maybe he isn't perfect, that I may have built him up in my mind to be more fabulous than he really is. At this point I tend to have discussions about minor irritations and see if they can be overcome. At two years, and I've had 4 relationships in my lifetime that have made it that far, I pretty much know if we can stand the long haul or not. Twice I was married at that point, and both times I knew those marriages would not likely last forever. I didn't leave them at 2 years, marriage and children bring out the fighter (to stay together) in me, but I knew at that point that we had real problems. The first relationship of that 2 year endurance was my first love and I left him, but not without moving far, far away. the latest relationship I am still in. I'm not sure at what point living together or marriage is an appropriation discussion. I have learned to go past the two year mark, though! That's just what is working for me, so far. I never say never, but I doubt that I will marry again, and just moved in with him after being together for over 3 years with a short break (3 mos.) near the beginning. Since I dated during the break, I consider our true anniversary to be in December, so that was our official 3 year mark although I consider July to be the month I was in love. You know my story. I don't doubt our love or our relationship, I doubt my need for marriage to feel fully committed. Twice bitten, thrice shy?
allina Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 When my most recent ex and I broke up after 4 months he said that he didn't think we were going to reach the milestone, at the time I knew this meant "I don't and never will love you allina" but I remember bitching at him for being "gay" and using the term milestone Anyways, with my relationships I think I've always become exclusive with people very quickly. I guess I know early on if a person is someone I want to commit to. Before my current bf I had two Rs fall apart at the 13 month mark, even with my current bf we had a bit of a rough time around this mark, I have no idea why. Bf and I became exclusive after about two weeks of dating, we talked seriously about the future at 4 months, it was this weird sort of unspoken understanding that this was it. At five months he finally told me he loved me, he talked seriously about a future with me before saying the L work We moved in together after 7 months, we've been together about a year and a half.
4givrnt4gtr Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Hm ive wondered about this too For me its been that by three months i usually know if the guy is a keeper or not. And even if i try again (which happened with my first bf), by month 3 i was ready to quit. Ive never been past month three until my current bf. And by then we talked about getting more serious. Then month 6 we talked about meeting his family, and right now im seeing more sides of his personality like how serious he can get at times, which ive never seen before, and how focus he is when it comes to work. (we're going on 8 months) I think people get afraid of hurdles and stages because they want the initial rush to last and thats impossible. I think when you are with the right person you learn to adjust to each stage of the relationship. From what ive read it seems that the initial honeymoon stage last from 6 months to a year, and then a more companionship/friendship stage develops. I think that around this time is when a couple really get to know the good and bad things about each other. This is when they really can assess without the chemical induced rosed colored glasses whether they can deal with all the good and bad things of each other.
sunshinegirl Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 My BF and I are just around the year mark. We haven't had any real specific milestone moments, except that two weeks ago he mentioned moving in together for the first time.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 What questioning of a relationship are you referring to? I'm not questioning any particular relationship i didn't say anything about you. i was talking about relationships in general. little defensive there.
Ocean-Blue Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Depends on the people involved, really. There are NO timelines.
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