NYIndie Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 My girlfriend and I dated for almost 3 years and we broke up in early October. A mutual friend set us up back in ‘04 and we just clicked. We shared a lot of the same interests, traveled together, and really enjoyed one another’s company. Doubts began to arise during the summer of ’07 if I could see myself with this person the rest of my life. She was pressuring me to at least know if I was going to commit to her. At the time, I was still reluctant to move in together, let alone get engaged. It didn’t help that she was two years older (27) than me (25) and that the majority of her friends were engaged or already married. She was my first serious relationship. She had a few boyfriends in the past but this relationship was the longest both of us had ever been. In September, I initiated a break to see what it would be like without her and figure things out. It pained me to have to do this because I really hurt her, but I explained how confused I was. The break lasted for a month when I finally met up with her and said that I couldn’t commit. I deliberated what I was feeling and at the time it felt like it was the right, noble thing to do. I couldn’t string her along as that would be incredibly unfair to her if the relationship was not going anywhere. I told her I couldn’t commit and then she said that she needed to see what else what out there, so I guess it was mutual. The breakup was downright horrible and for the first month I felt incredibly guilty hurting someone I loved like that. I started graduate school around the same time so that kept me busy and I was doing OK for awhile. Once school ended for the semester, the breakup hit me hard. I missed her terribly. The holidays and wintertime made it worse. Depression set in and, despite seeing a therapist since September, I have felt worse instead of better. Just recently I would come home from work and cry – this happened at least 7 days straight. I even broke down at work sometimes. This breakup has triggered clinical depression and my therapist recommended that I see a psychiatrist for anti-depressants. I’ve lost weight and my hair started thinning. I can’t stop thinking about her and I honestly can’t see myself dating anyone else. The potential of meeting someone that meets or exceeds her qualities seems daunting. It’s like I forgot the reasons we broke up to begin with… and this is coming from someone who initiated the breakup! I just don’t know what to do. When my grandmother passed away last month she actually called me and sent her condolences, which was really thoughtful. She’s such a loving, caring person and now I’m really starting to regret if I made the right choice or not. Some of the best times of my life were spent with her and she really brought out the best in me. I’m a shell of my former self and have regressed tremendously since we’ve been apart. I ran into her at a mutual friend’s party last weekend and it was incredibly awkward. She said hi and didn’t really talk to me the rest of the night. I know I tremendously hurt this person but after spending 3 years together that reaction killed me. It said, “Hey, you broke my heart but I’m moving on”. I, however, cannot. Why can’t I move on? I didn’t want this decision to be something I could regret but I can’t stop imagining myself with her. Everything I see reminds me of her. For crying out loud, Harry Potter was on HBO and I broke down because she was a fan of the books. It’s like I could see myself moving in with her now. Life just seems so bleak without her and I don’t know what to do anymore. I miss her so much. These were feelings I wanted to experience during the break but didn’t, probably because she was waiting for me at the time. I’m so alone, upset, and depressed. I don’t even know if she would even take me back, but I’m not in any shape to be in a relationship with anyone right now since my self-confidence has been shattered. I cannot recall another point in my life where I have been this down on myself. I just want to feel better but it just isn’t working. I really didn’t imagine that I would be taking things this hard. I think she’s happier than me right now. I just want to be happy too.
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