Reeling from "emotional affair " ?

[Always Wrong]

I'm really, really starting to believe that no one is capable of being a good partner unless he or she is already happy.

 

If the only way you think you can become a happy person is if you ditch your husband, then by all means do that. Ditch him, get happy, then approach this other guy.

 

And if he wants you he needs to take care of whatever's causing sadness in his life, then approach you once he's settled, stable and truly free.

 

If his weakness makes him stay trapped in unhappiness then he's not man enough for you.

I like CJ's "ditch then approach" procedure. Keeps things in perspective and focuses the acquisition of happiness on the divorce and not the other. Very good seperation of thought process CJ.

[Meaplus3]

I have been lurking for a couple of days deciding whether I should post again. I think that maybe some of the "cruel" and "ashamed" comments may have hit a little too close to home. The fact is that I am ashamed and mortified and scared as hell that I let this happen. But , at the same time I cannot deny that I have feelings for another man. My mentality right now is that I think I found the person that is perfect for me and that I could truly be happy with and I missed him - someone else has him and there is not anything that I can do about it. This is what is tearing me up inside . And , please don't say that if he were Mr. Right then he wouldn't have taken part in all of this. From all accounts he is not happy either. I think that if he were truly happy then there is no way in hell that he would have done this. I think that I know him well enough to know this . And I honestly think that we could have been happy together. I am not in any way trying to justify our actions. They were wrong - undenyably wrong and I realize this and do not need to be told. But unfortunately , the realization that it was wrong does not make the hurt go away.

 

I have had a very hard week . I have had a lot of my feelings rise to the surface and it has been very difficult to deal with. I had a long talk with the one person who knows everything that has happened - another co-worker who I trust completley. I cried about it , I laughed about it and even realized how ridiculous the whole thing is. But , once again none of that makes the hurt go away. To make matters worse for me - he actually told this co-worker today that I "looked hot". My heart sank when she told me.

 

I 'm not so sure that posting in this forum has been a huge help to me? Other than knowing that there are other people that go through the same sort of things ? It seems to have made everything bubble up and boil over for me . I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing ? For those of you who think I am a horrible person -I'm not. I just got wrapped up in something that I did not see coming. When my head caught up to my heart it was too late to reason my way out of it.

 

Unfortunately , my misery continues until I can find a way to dig out of this hole. Only I can decide when to let it all go and I guess I am just not able to do it just yet .......

 

Hi.. I am so glad you did not leave LS,,,this is a great place for advice.. and to vent..A big part of letting go of my long ea... was because of the advice I received here!

 

You are 100% correct that only you can decide when to let go... and believe me that day will come...you just need to work through the pain... you are not a bad person in any way...You did make a mistake...got into deep, I did the same exact thing so I know all to well. the best way is NO contact to break the Emotional connection... Good luck to you!

 

AP:)

[CalamitousJane]

I like CJ's "ditch then approach" procedure. Keeps things in perspective and focuses the acquisition of happiness on the divorce and not the other.

I've been hit on SO many times by married men whining about being unhappy with their wives.

 

I always tell them I'll consider it after they're thoroughly divorced. I've never had one take me up on it.

[sandflea]

Orion - I think this forum is so active, and supportive (most of the time) because misery loves company. It helps to talk it out, and unlike your friend at the office, you can confide in us and not worry about anyone knowing you, where you live, who your husband or EA guy are, etc.

 

I want you to know that I'm not judging you. I had an affair once (I was separated, she wasn't - yet) and I can tell you, once the thrill of it is over it usually dies. It's very romantic and crazy and fun and scary and hot - but once it becomes day to day joe at the sofa, it's over.

 

Realistically, if it's only been a flirting arrangement with Mr EA - then you've simply made a new friend - obviously a very close one - and that's OK. Fine, in fact. You didn't let it get physical (applause...!) - and that showed a lot of restraint. You are in charge of this situation, and I wouldn't go off seeking another job, or making any huge changes - you can handle this.

 

Hang in there. It's only as much of a downer as you let it be.

 

SF

[RainyGirl]

BTDT. To both of you, Orion and RainyGirl, I can tell you I completely understand this. When the EA, PA, etc first starts, waiting for those emails, texts, calls, etc are exciting and thrilling as well as excruciating. Then, once the relationship begins to be more painful than pleasurable, and NC is established, the pain of NC is strong, but the relief of not constantly waiting for contact is so blissful. The lack of tension of waiting for that ring, ping or whatever is so relieving.

 

Then, the second you break NC and hit that send button, you are right back to the tension of waiting and wondering. Yep, BTDT.

 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Lather. Rinse. Repeat...

 

All I can tell you is how I handled it. I rode that roller coaster ride too many times to count, and by the end, the up-slopes were *not* worth the down-slopes, so I ended it. I'm alone now, having finally left my husband, and finally letting MM go. But, alone is a LOT better than experiencing the agony of those roller coaster rides on a daily basis. The peace I feel now is 1000 times better than the anxiety, tension, constant waiting and wondering that I felt before.

 

Best of luck...

 

Zolie, I want to find the peace you found. The past few days, since I broke 16 days of NC, have been a roller coaster. I've been talking to him through text. On one hand we seem to want to work it out and at least be friends. On the other hand we are still making accusations, put downs, snide remarks and all the other negative talk. We are back and forth, back and forth, through text. I just sent him what I hope to be my LAST text to him. I told him how I thought he was treating me (badly) and how he pushed me away. This revealation was my response to his question about "what went wrong with us?". He hasn't responded yet, and probably won't. I think I struck a nerve when I confronted him about his poor treatment of me. The first NC began after a minor argument over nothing. But, prior to that he wasn't exactly treating me like a princess. I now have to commence NC AGAIN FOR THE SECOND TIME tomorrow. Day 1, all over again. Damn it.

[Always Wrong]

Orion!

I hope you are feeling better. It has seemed for me in the past, that happiness came with the absence of pain. Being excited all the time about the relationship was happiness to me. Now happiness is simply not being miserable. If I feel no pain, without alcohol, then it's a good day! I don't even drink a little any more! Yeeeeaaa!

 

You sound intelligent... you'll come out of this. Either way you go, you should love yourself as much as you want everyone else to. You come first! Then the kids! If you aren't happy, you can't convey happiness to your kids.

 

Whatever you choose to do, we will support you and try to help. These ladies here are a tremendous asset. I'm not an arrogant man, or a bible thumper. I do believe in Jesus, but not in the organized way. That being the case, I have a hard time understanding the overly testosterone driven male of our species. At times I feel like I'm from another planet.

 

It's just awful when whatever chemical that makes us feel emotional pain and distress is in overdrive. Zolie is soooo right. When that goes away it's such a relief. And CalamitousJane is on the money too.

AW

 

PS: Sandflea wants you to save your marriage and I admire that as well.

Answerplease is sooo kind hearted.

Rainygirl is hurting just like you are.

We all care about your progress toward happiness!

Edited February 1, 2008 by Always Wrong
I forgot!

[Orion0767]

I haven't posted for a few days - I have been trying to digest and process , ect .....

 

As is turns out my Mr. Right - the man who I would have left my husband for , the man who NEVER would have done anything like what he did with me if he had been happy, the man who told me time and again let's just see what happens is a lying , sneaky coward. Although he went further with me than he did anyone else , it has come to my attention that he has a history of similar behavior. I won't go into details - he isn't worth it. One word describes how I feel now - FURIOUS. I would have dissolved my marriage and changed my children's lives for something that wasn't real. I have wasted the last year of my life on a man who never had any intentions toward me. Thousands and thousands of tears have fallen for a lie. There has been so much information to come my way in the past few days that it is hard to imagine. I should have asked questions a long time ago and maybe this wouldn't have gone as far as it did. Lesson learned ........

 

I am angry at myself for falling for it. I am angry and disappointed that he is not who I thought he was. I feel like such a fool and I am so embarrassed that I could be so stupid. How could I have been so wrong ? I consider myself a fairly good judge of character and I totally missed this one.

 

And what an idiot he is ! I have countless Emails that could get both of us fired. I never took him for being stupid but just think about it . What if he had done this to someone who didn't have a good head on their shoulders ? What if he had done this to someone who was unstable ? The things that could have happened are scary ! He is one lucky guy that I am not out for revenge.

 

I am officially moving on ( And I can say with confidence that I mean it this time ! ) What goes around comes around and he will get what is coming to him one of these days. Although I am mad as hell , I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I have opened up my eyes and see what I have right here in front of me. I have a husband who loves me and would do just about anything for me. Two beautiful, healthy and smart children. A gorgeous house and stability. What the hell was I thinking ? My focus will now be on renewing my relationship with my husband and putting all of this behind me. The fact that Mr. Right is a dirty dawg has helped out tremendously.

 

Thank you everyone for listening ( sort of :-) ! ) and putting your two cents in. It has all been a lot to take in but I think I finally made it though. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinding.

[smileysmile]

As is turns out my Mr. Right - the man who I would have left my husband for

 

O pleeeeeaaase!

[Meaplus3]

I haven't posted for a few days - I have been trying to digest and process , ect .....

 

As is turns out my Mr. Right - the man who I would have left my husband for , the man who NEVER would have done anything like what he did with me if he had been happy, the man who told me time and again let's just see what happens is a lying , sneaky coward. Although he went further with me than he did anyone else , it has come to my attention that he has a history of similar behavior. I won't go into details - he isn't worth it. One word describes how I feel now - FURIOUS. I would have dissolved my marriage and changed my children's lives for something that wasn't real. I have wasted the last year of my life on a man who never had any intentions toward me. Thousands and thousands of tears have fallen for a lie. There has been so much information to come my way in the past few days that it is hard to imagine. I should have asked questions a long time ago and maybe this wouldn't have gone as far as it did. Lesson learned ........

 

I am angry at myself for falling for it. I am angry and disappointed that he is not who I thought he was. I feel like such a fool and I am so embarrassed that I could be so stupid. How could I have been so wrong ? I consider myself a fairly good judge of character and I totally missed this one.

 

And what an idiot he is ! I have countless Emails that could get both of us fired. I never took him for being stupid but just think about it . What if he had done this to someone who didn't have a good head on their shoulders ? What if he had done this to someone who was unstable ? The things that could have happened are scary ! He is one lucky guy that I am not out for revenge.

 

I am officially moving on ( And I can say with confidence that I mean it this time ! ) What goes around comes around and he will get what is coming to him one of these days. Although I am mad as hell , I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I have opened up my eyes and see what I have right here in front of me. I have a husband who loves me and would do just about anything for me. Two beautiful, healthy and smart children. A gorgeous house and stability. What the hell was I thinking ? My focus will now be on renewing my relationship with my husband and putting all of this behind me. The fact that Mr. Right is a dirty dawg has helped out tremendously.

 

Thank you everyone for listening ( sort of :-) ! ) and putting your two cents in. It has all been a lot to take in but I think I finally made it though. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinding.

 

I am very glad you have seen the light here..I very much understand where you have been and where you are coming from. Now...you need to focus on your marriage and your children.. Seek a marriage counselor... pull from your family member's for support and strength. You still are in love with you H so this deserves..another try. Best of luck to you. Hug's.

 

AP:)

[Orion0767]

O pleeeeeaaase!

Hmmmm....... Aren't you the one who "tells it like it is " ?

 

I'm going to tell you like it is. You are rude , insensitive and condescending. Your patronizing tone doesn't do a thing for me . Geeez , go away .

[RainyGirl]

Orion, I am sort of glad to hear that this guy turned out to be a jerk. Now you can go back to your "normal". Yet, I feel sorry for you for having to now adjust what were positive feelings for him. It can be disappointing and emotional when we learn bad things about our love interests, even when that education is the BEST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN for our married lives.

Edited February 2, 2008 by RainyGirl

[Always Wrong]

I haven't posted for a few days - I have been trying to digest and process , ect .....

 

As is turns out my Mr. Right - the man who I would have left my husband for , the man who NEVER would have done anything like what he did with me if he had been happy, the man who told me time and again let's just see what happens is a lying , sneaky coward. Although he went further with me than he did anyone else , it has come to my attention that he has a history of similar behavior. I won't go into details - he isn't worth it. One word describes how I feel now - FURIOUS. I would have dissolved my marriage and changed my children's lives for something that wasn't real. I have wasted the last year of my life on a man who never had any intentions toward me. Thousands and thousands of tears have fallen for a lie. There has been so much information to come my way in the past few days that it is hard to imagine. I should have asked questions a long time ago and maybe this wouldn't have gone as far as it did. Lesson learned ........

 

I am angry at myself for falling for it. I am angry and disappointed that he is not who I thought he was. I feel like such a fool and I am so embarrassed that I could be so stupid. How could I have been so wrong ? I consider myself a fairly good judge of character and I totally missed this one.

 

And what an idiot he is ! I have countless Emails that could get both of us fired. I never took him for being stupid but just think about it . What if he had done this to someone who didn't have a good head on their shoulders ? What if he had done this to someone who was unstable ? The things that could have happened are scary ! He is one lucky guy that I am not out for revenge.

 

I am officially moving on ( And I can say with confidence that I mean it this time ! ) What goes around comes around and he will get what is coming to him one of these days. Although I am mad as hell , I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I have opened up my eyes and see what I have right here in front of me. I have a husband who loves me and would do just about anything for me. Two beautiful, healthy and smart children. A gorgeous house and stability. What the hell was I thinking ? My focus will now be on renewing my relationship with my husband and putting all of this behind me. The fact that Mr. Right is a dirty dawg has helped out tremendously.

 

Thank you everyone for listening ( sort of :-) ! ) and putting your two cents in. It has all been a lot to take in but I think I finally made it though. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinding.

 

This is Huge! I am always glad when the road a person is on, turns from potholes to blacktop. I'm very happy that you sound angry, and positive too. Either way it went, there are many of us who would have tried our best to give you emotional support for whatever choice you made.

 

Sometimes we don't need to hear what the concience of our moral majority has to offer. We instead need someone to try to put themselves in our shoes and take a shot at trying to be supportive.

 

It would be nice if you could find a way to spark a little of that romance you felt temporarily with the jerk, in your husband. Love is a great foundation, but I would have been a better husband and still married, had I realized how the desire for romance stays within the majority of women long, long past the mans realization.

 

Keep us posted! AW

[smileysmile]

I'm going to tell you like it is. You are rude , insensitive and condescending. Your patronizing tone doesn't do a thing for me . Geeez , go away

 

Hmmm I am sorry you feel like that.

 

Do you expect everybody on here to agree with you..I won't mention any names they know who they are

 

If you accepted some of the posters advice on here you may think what you were doing was right. You have to put yourself in your H position. Some of the things you are saying is so insensitive to your H.

Do you think you are doing your H a favour by staying with him? Is he your doormat?

You saying you would have left your H for this guy. But it turns out he is messing you about so you will sit tight until somebody else comes along..maybe? Sheesh...

 

Sorry if I am not patting you on the back like some on here..but if you can't except opinions from the other other side of the coin then you most know you are WRONG!

 

That is all I will say..

[RainyGirl]

Hmmm I am sorry you feel like that.

 

Do you expect everybody on here to agree with you..I won't mention any names they know who they are

 

If you accepted some of the posters advice on here you may think what you were doing was right. You have to put yourself in your H position. Some of the things you are saying is so insensitive to your H.

Do you think you are doing your H a favour by staying with him? Is he your doormat?

You saying you would have left your H for this guy. But it turns out he is messing you about so you will sit tight until somebody else comes along..maybe? Sheesh...

 

Sorry if I am not patting you on the back like some on here..but if you can't except opinions from the other other side of the coin then you most know you are WRONG!

 

That is all I will say..

 

Wow, your comments are so disproportional and out of line with what has actually been expressed on this thread that I am....I am....speechless. Anyone else got words for this???????

[Orion0767]

Hmmm I am sorry you feel like that.

 

Do you expect everybody on here to agree with you..I won't mention any names they know who they are

 

If you accepted some of the posters advice on here you may think what you were doing was right. You have to put yourself in your H position. Some of the things you are saying is so insensitive to your H.

Do you think you are doing your H a favour by staying with him? Is he your doormat?

You saying you would have left your H for this guy. But it turns out he is messing you about so you will sit tight until somebody else comes along..maybe? Sheesh...

 

Sorry if I am not patting you on the back like some on here..but if you can't except opinions from the other other side of the coin then you most know you are WRONG!

 

That is all I will say..

 

I understand what you are trying to say . I simply don't agree with the way that you go about saying it. I never asked to be patted on the back or for anyone to agree with me and to be quite frank I think that you suggesting that is what I was looking for is absurd . Why on Earth would anyone think that this was okay ? There is not anyone who has responded who thinks that this was okay. I think I already stated a couple of times that I was wrong. I made a mistake - albeit a huge one but still a mistake.

 

As for sitting tight and waiting for someone else to come along..... ain't never gonna happen. I will NEVER take for granted what I have at home EVER again. My husband loves me, doesn't lie to me , would do anything in the world for me and works his butt off to provide for me and our children. I was being selfish and he didn't deserve this and I will admit it. I will never do anything like this again.

[Always Wrong]

In the event I am one of the people who won't be mentioned, please bear with me for a moment, and allow me to explain myself. I know your time is valuable, so I will make this brief.

 

Agreeing with, and expressing compassion for someone, are two entirely different things.

 

Until the most recent failed relationship, I expressed condemnation for all that went against my grain. It wasn't until I started trying a different approach, that I stopped recieving opposition, and began to recieve positive feedback in it's place. Wow, what a difference, and it was so easy. I feel better and am truly a different person when I take others feelings into consideration before I speak.

 

If when read closely, my posts express that the guy was a jerk, he didn't respect her, she needed to talk to God, she played her part in it, she was throwing away her family, etc.

 

If you fail to mix morality with compassion, emapthy, or at the very least an attempt to make the other person feel less miserable, then you will most assuredly recieve a negative response from someone who is in pain. Forget the reason they are hurting. For that moment it doesn't matter. Any psychologist worth his or her salt won't make an enemy out of their patient on the first visit.

 

I was raised by people like that. It did not produce a fruit worth picking, and God bless the women who put up with me. I was not a good experience. I was a real SOB and am still quite capable of being so, but something in me has changed, maybe I had a freekin brain tumor or something, I don't know, but I am so regretful for being like I was.

 

We live our lives as we choose, and sometimes the choices we make are regretable, even down to the simplest one... to think before we speak.

 

Thanks for your time. AW

[Orion0767]

Orion, I am sort of glad to hear that this guy turned out to be a jerk. Now you can go back to your "normal". Yet, I feel sorry for you for having to now adjust what were positive feelings for him. It can be disappointing and emotional when we learn bad things about our love interests, even when that education is the BEST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN for our married lives.

 

Yes , this is a stange , strange turn of events. I am struggling with the anger. But , even more so I am stuggling with the fact that I was just so wrong about him - that he is not the person that I thought he was. It breaks my heart that I let this happen and it was all for nothing. Live and learn I guess ?

 

I would like to thank you for all of your support . Although I would not wish what I have gone through on anyone it did help to know that there are others who go through the same thing. I wish you luck in finding some sort of peace . Please , Please be careful and keep your eyes opened. Although we don't know each other I have thought about what you are going through often because I know what it is like. I hate that people have to go through these sort of things. I hope everything works out the way that you need it to. Hugs !

[Orion0767]

In the event I am one of the people who won't be mentioned, please bear with me for a moment, and allow me to explain myself. I know your time is valuable, so I will make this brief.

 

Agreeing with, and expressing compassion for someone, are two entirely different things.

 

Until the most recent failed relationship, I expressed condemnation for all that went against my grain. It wasn't until I started trying a different approach, that I stopped recieving opposition, and began to recieve positive feedback in it's place. Wow, what a difference, and it was so easy. I feel better and am truly a different person when I take others feelings into consideration before I speak.

 

If when read closely, my posts express that the guy was a jerk, he didn't respect her, she needed to talk to God, she played her part in it, she was throwing away her family, etc.

 

If you fail to mix morality with compassion, emapthy, or at the very least an attempt to make the other person feel less miserable, then you will most assuredly recieve a negative response from someone who is in pain. Forget the reason they are hurting. For that moment it doesn't matter. Any psychologist worth his or her salt won't make an enemy out of their patient on the first visit.

 

I was raised by people like that. It did not produce a fruit worth picking, and God bless the women who put up with me. I was not a good experience. I was a real SOB and am still quite capable of being so, but something in me has changed, maybe I had a freekin brain tumor or something, I don't know, but I am so regretful for being like I was.

 

We live our lives as we choose, and sometimes the choices we make are regretable, even down to the simplest one... to think before we speak.

 

Thanks for your time. AW

 

Amen , brother ! You are a good man .

[Always Wrong]

Amen , brother ! You are a good man .

Thank you Orion... and we are rooting for you!

[OpenBook]

When the flirting started getting stronger I cornered him and asked him exactly what was going on between the two of us and his response was that he was "just having fun". Although that was not what I wanted to hear , I went on about my own business. I later apologized to him through Email ( because I could not face him for the embarrassment ) and told him that I had misinterpreted and misread some of the things that had been said between the two of us. He then responded to me by saying that I had caught him off-guard and that I had actually not misinterpreted anything and he apologized to me for responding by basically avoiding the situation. He then proceeded to tell me "lets just see what happens "...

 

How do you cope with being so foolish and how on Earth does a person move on ?

 

You know Orion, I get such a kick out of you confronting him. You Go Girl!! Let me guess, he was sputtering and stammering when he responded, right? He's not used to being so directly called out for his deplorable behavior.

 

But I can't believe you actually apologized to him for "misinterpreting" things. You absolutely did not owe him an apology. He owes YOU one. Such unprofessional behavior coming from someone in upper management is bad bad BAD for the company. But that's his problem, not yours... especially since he has a known pattern of past behavior like this - I'm sure the company is already aware of it. At the very least, he needs to go through some intensive training on sexual harassment and how it has NO PLACE in the work environment. Many companies have an explicit Zero Tolerance policy on this type of behavior. In any case, it may comfort you to know that the law is definitely on your side.

 

I hope you sit down quietly with yourself and figure out why you were so emotionally vulnerable to him in the first place. You should be getting those "good vibes" at home, from your H. If you're not, something's wrong.

 

I hope you get to the bottom of everything, and figure it all out. In any case, you cannot go wrong by refocusing all your work efforts on what's best for the company. Good luck.