Reeling from "emotional affair " ?

[Orion0767]

I apologize in advance - this is gonna be a long one ........

 

Hi , I'm new here and this is my first post. I am 40 years old, have been married for 13 years and have 2 children. A little over a year ago, a married co-worker and I began flirting with each other. He is in upper management and I work in the administrative offices. When the flirting started getting stronger I cornered him and asked him exactly what was going on between the two of us and his response was that he was "just having fun". Although that was not what I wanted to hear , I went on about my own business. I later apologized to him through Email ( because I could not face him for the embarrassment ) and told him that I had misinterpreted and misread some of the things that had been said between the two of us. He then responded to me by saying that I had caught him off-guard and that I had actually not misinterpreted anything and he apologized to me for responding by basically avoiding the situation. He then proceeded to tell me "lets just see what happens ". From that point forward everything changed. What began as fun soon turned into an intense physical attraction with tons of sexual inneudo flying around. And , along with the physical , I grew emotionally attached and fell head over heels for this man. This went on for 7 or 8 months with no physical contact whatsoever. We never saw each other outside the office , never touched each other. I finally came to a point where I could no longer keep my feelings from him. I told him how I felt and that I simply wanted more from him and did not think he was willing to give it. Basically , that we needed to either stop what we were doing or do something about it because it was torturing me. He agreed that there was a definite attraction, but stopped short of making any type of commitment saying only that he might take the risks but was not sure how to go about it. His response confused me and I told him so. He then told me that I should not be confused - he was scared and chicken and that was about all there was to it. I asked if we could talk about it and he agreed but that never happened. There were a few very tense weeks between us then I finally cornered him again and told him that I couldn't stand the tension between the two of us and asked if we were okay. He said that we were and that he was still trying to process what had happened and since he had never done anything like this before he did not know what to do and that he felt bad . It was very clear that he was uncomfortable talking about it in the office and he suggested that we talk outside the office and told me that he would get with me and we would set something up. This also never happened. Within a few weeks , the flirting began again and I was right back in the same spot and as confused as ever. I abruptly stopped all un-work related communcation with him because he was once again torturing me. I did not give him an explanation ( didn't feel like I owed him one ) - just stopped.

 

It has now been a few months. What happened between us has never been mentioned again. I went for 3/4 weeks where I could not even speak to him unless absolutely necessary. I even had a hard time looking at him. I have been devastated by all of this and have no idea what to do or how to get past it. I have serious feelings for this man - I can honestly say that I have never felt this way about anyone. I would have left my husband for this man and although I know he does have some feelings for me , the fact that my feelings were not returned me has broken my heart. I feel like a huge idiot for falling for him and know that what has happened was horribly wrong.

 

I am trying very hard to put this behind me and trying even harder to work on putting the energy that I used for this man into my husband but I can't seem to move forward. I still think about him often . I have a few good weeks then take a nose dive for a month. It is a viscious roller coaster ride. Having to see him every day is horrible and is not helping anything. I am concerned that this is all going to turn into hate ( maybe that is what needs to happen ? ) I feel as if I am losing my mind sometimes. I live in an area where good jobs are hard to find and can't just leave my job unless it is worth it.

 

How do you cope with being so foolish and how on Earth does a person move on ?

[Meaplus3]

I apologize in advance - this is gonna be a long one ........

 

Hi , I'm new here and this is my first post. I am 40 years old, have been married for 13 years and have 2 children. A little over a year ago, a married co-worker and I began flirting with each other. He is in upper management and I work in the administrative offices. When the flirting started getting stronger I cornered him and asked him exactly what was going on between the two of us and his response was that he was "just having fun". Although that was not what I wanted to hear , I went on about my own business. I later apologized to him through Email ( because I could not face him for the embarrassment ) and told him that I had misinterpreted and misread some of the things that had been said between the two of us. He then responded to me by saying that I had caught him off-guard and that I had actually not misinterpreted anything and he apologized to me for responding by basically avoiding the situation. He then proceeded to tell me "lets just see what happens ". From that point forward everything changed. What began as fun soon turned into an intense physical attraction with tons of sexual inneudo flying around. And , along with the physical , I grew emotionally attached and fell head over heels for this man. This went on for 7 or 8 months with no physical contact whatsoever. We never saw each other outside the office , never touched each other. I finally came to a point where I could no longer keep my feelings from him. I told him how I felt and that I simply wanted more from him and did not think he was willing to give it. Basically , that we needed to either stop what we were doing or do something about it because it was torturing me. He agreed that there was a definite attraction, but stopped short of making any type of commitment saying only that he might take the risks but was not sure how to go about it. His response confused me and I told him so. He then told me that I should not be confused - he was scared and chicken and that was about all there was to it. I asked if we could talk about it and he agreed but that never happened. There were a few very tense weeks between us then I finally cornered him again and told him that I couldn't stand the tension between the two of us and asked if we were okay. He said that we were and that he was still trying to process what had happened and since he had never done anything like this before he did not know what to do and that he felt bad . It was very clear that he was uncomfortable talking about it in the office and he suggested that we talk outside the office and told me that he would get with me and we would set something up. This also never happened. Within a few weeks , the flirting began again and I was right back in the same spot and as confused as ever. I abruptly stopped all un-work related communcation with him because he was once again torturing me. I did not give him an explanation ( didn't feel like I owed him one ) - just stopped.

 

It has now been a few months. What happened between us has never been mentioned again. I went for 3/4 weeks where I could not even speak to him unless absolutely necessary. I even had a hard time looking at him. I have been devastated by all of this and have no idea what to do or how to get past it. I have serious feelings for this man - I can honestly say that I have never felt this way about anyone. I would have left my husband for this man and although I know he does have some feelings for me , the fact that my feelings were not returned me has broken my heart. I feel like a huge idiot for falling for him and know that what has happened was horribly wrong.

 

I am trying very hard to put this behind me and trying even harder to work on putting the energy that I used for this man into my husband but I can't seem to move forward. I still think about him often . I have a few good weeks then take a nose dive for a month. It is a viscious roller coaster ride. Having to see him every day is horrible and is not helping anything. I am concerned that this is all going to turn into hate ( maybe that is what needs to happen ? ) I feel as if I am losing my mind sometimes. I live in an area where good jobs are hard to find and can't just leave my job unless it is worth it.

 

How do you cope with being so foolish and how on Earth does a person move on ?

 

First off do not be so hard on yourself we all can make mistakes's....If you get to hung up on that it will be a longer road for you to move on... I myself was caught up in a very long ea. Close to two year's...There were day's when I was very down...I had know clue as how to move on. I happened to post and read here on LS....Seek therapy....confide in a few good friend's .. confess to H and finally with a mixture of that I was able to see just what lead me to this ea.... and how I was able to move forward from it. I would not advise you to leave your job...I would advise you to have as little contact with mm as possible. Perhap's there's a way to do that. Good luck. Stay strong.

 

AP

[Rx12578]

Your situation sounds very difficult. I'll offer my opinion but that's all it is - only you know what will work for you. If you see this man at work everyday (even if you don't work directly together) you are going to have a very difficult time getting past this. Your feelings for him will linger (and be painful) and those feelings for him will be emotions you are not giving your husband (which isn't really fair to him). There is even the chance that you might start to subconsciously resent your husband for not being this man or for being the commitment that prevents you from being with the other man (which sounds silly but can happen) and you might not just be denying your husband some of your good emotions but you might start to slight him in some way. Also, if you ended up telling your husband what happened (which I don't necessarily think is a good idea) he is not going to be happy with the idea of you still working with this man. All of that said I think you should start looking for work elsewhere. Once you have a different job and never have to see this man again you will really began to move on.

[Orion0767]

Your situation sounds very difficult. I'll offer my opinion but that's all it is - only you know what will work for you. If you see this man at work everyday (even if you don't work directly together) you are going to have a very difficult time getting past this. Your feelings for him will linger (and be painful) and those feelings for him will be emotions you are not giving your husband (which isn't really fair to him). There is even the chance that you might start to subconsciously resent your husband for not being this man or for being the commitment that prevents you from being with the other man (which sounds silly but can happen) and you might not just be denying your husband some of your good emotions but you might start to slight him in some way. Also, if you ended up telling your husband what happened (which I don't necessarily think is a good idea) he is not going to be happy with the idea of you still working with this man. All of that said I think you should start looking for work elsewhere. Once you have a different job and never have to see this man again you will really began to move on.

 

I , unfortunately DO have to work fairly closely with this man which I agree is a huge part of my problem. When I am at work it is ALWAYS there and I can't escape - always a reminder. I am actively looking for another job but there is not a whole lot out there where I live. I don't think I will ever be able to tell my husband what has happened. If he knew this I think it would be the last nail in the coffin. I think some of what you stated that can happen with a spouse has already happened. So , along with resentment and unhappinness, I also have to deal with the complete unacknowledgement that this ever happened from my married co-worker who I thought was Mr. Right and I think that is what hurts most of all. Thanks for your thoughts , they are greatly appreciated.

[RainyGirl]

Orion, I am in nearly the exact same situation as you. I am a married 36 year old that has fallen head over heals for a co-worker. The past few months have been heaven and hell. My husband has no idea about it and I can't tell him. My love interest is playing the exact same game that yours is. The only difference between our stories is that I had a passionate make out session with him once (initiated and orchestrated by me after months of ambiguity, frustration, and the feeling of being strung along). I am now 16 days into NC with him. I had to initiated NC to save my sanity, but NC is hard because we work together. I'll post my entire story another time. For now, please keep us updated on yours. I have been incredibly sad since starting NC and reading other's stories is like therapy for me. I am getting stronger by the day. Soon, I'll have a clearer mind and will be able to return to this board and offer you my best advice.

[Orion0767]

Orion, I am in nearly the exact same situation as you. I am a married 36 year old that has fallen head over heals for a co-worker. The past few months have been heaven and hell. My husband has no idea about it and I can't tell him. My love interest is playing the exact same game that yours is. The only difference between our stories is that I had a passionate make out session with him once (initiated and orchestrated by me after months of ambiguity, frustration, and the feeling of being strung along). I am now 16 days into NC with him. I had to initiated NC to save my sanity, but NC is hard because we work together. I'll post my entire story another time. For now, please keep us updated on yours. I have been incredibly sad since starting NC and reading other's stories is like therapy for me. I am getting stronger by the day. Soon, I'll have a clearer mind and will be able to return to this board and offer you my best advice.

 

Rainy , I am sorry you are in the same situation as me. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hope everything is going okay and wish you lots of strength over the next few weeks and months. I know just how you feel and the sadness is overwhelming for me. I have not had a good week trying to deal with this. It seems to be festering right now ...... Next week is a new week though , hopefully everything will get better !

[RainyGirl]

Orion, how did he react when you abruptly stopped all non-work related communication with him? Did he care?

 

Update on my situation: I BROKE 16 DAYS OF NO CONTACT !!! I am so mad at myself today. I couldn't help it. I texted him this morning with a lame "Miss you" text. He responded quickly with "I've been trying to talk to you at work but you have been ignoring me". I followed up with a "sorry". We sent a couple more messages and he ended it by not responding to my last message. WHY OH WHY did I do this? Why did I break NC? I feel crappy now. I've been staring at my phone since hoping he'll call or text. I don't know if he'll ever contact me again outside of work. I got a good feeling from him through the text messages, but maybe he only responded because he felt bad for me? A sympathy text, perhaps? I am so stupid.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread, Orion. I am just having an emotional day.

[Orion0767]

Orion, how did he react when you abruptly stopped all non-work related communication with him? Did he care?

 

Update on my situation: I BROKE 16 DAYS OF NO CONTACT !!! I am so mad at myself today. I couldn't help it. I texted him this morning with a lame "Miss you" text. He responded quickly with "I've been trying to talk to you at work but you have been ignoring me". I followed up with a "sorry". We sent a couple more messages and he ended it by not responding to my last message. WHY OH WHY did I do this? Why did I break NC? I feel crappy now. I've been staring at my phone since hoping he'll call or text. I don't know if he'll ever contact me again outside of work. I got a good feeling from him through the text messages, but maybe he only responded because he felt bad for me? A sympathy text, perhaps? I am so stupid.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread, Orion. I am just having an emotional day.

 

No need to apologize , not a problem !

 

OMG , I'll bet today was emotional. I am so sorry , I feel bad for you because I know what you are going through. Did he ask you any questions at all ? Why NC ? Or indicate where his head is at right now ? I know that it is MADDENING not knowing what someone else is thinking . Especially , when it is someone that you care about so much. You can't be angry at yourself for wanting to reach out to him. I know you are probably disappointed because you feel that you gave in but try not to. If you want to try to get past this then jump right back in and be strong - don't beat yourself up. I wish that I had better advice for you but I have just been pathetic in trying to get past my situation so I am probably the worst person in the world to tell you what to do.

 

I do have some questions for you. I hope you don't feel I am being too forward. I guess I just want some sort of validation of my feelings by knowing that someone else may feel the same way. Here goes ..... For the past couple of months I have kept all contact work related. I don't say a lot to him and don't engage in a lot of conversation with him. Since I do know that there are ( or were ) some feelings for me there is part of me that wants to start being flirty friendly again just to be mean. I could stop short of saying that I want to throw myself at him but basically I guess that part of me does ! I still see him looking at me and I know that he at least still likes to look. And sadly , bending over and showing a little cleavage when I know he is looking is quite satifsfying. It is a sort of a "see what you're missing " type of thing . I guess maybe it is my way of trying to make him feel like I have for so long ? Is that not twisted ? Not to mention pathetic ( again ). Part of me wants to see what would happen and part of me wants to hurt him and that is just so wrong. The one thing that I do know is that I he did not mean for any of this to happen and I most certainly know that he did not mean to hurt me. It isn't in his nature to be that way.

 

Here is another question ...... Is it completely wrong that I love him even more because he did stop short of cheating on his wife ? This is even more twisted to me. I know that what we were doing is a form of cheating and there are a lot of people who say that it is more damaging than an actual physical affair but I have a difficult time seeing it that way. The fact that he backed away for his wife and his daughter makes me feel that he does have some morality to him and that , in turn , makes me care even more about him.

 

I didn't have a great week dealing with all of my emotions and I don't anticipate having a good week this week either. We have a company wide quarterly staff meeting on Tuesday that we will both be at. I will sit and steal glances at him and try to look like I don't have a care in the world. We also have a co-worker that we are both close to coming in from Chicago for the meeting. Any time she is in the office all of my feelings begin to bubble to the surface because she is the one person that I have confided everything to and I don't get to see her that often.

 

So , I hope your week starts off well. Stay strong ! I'll be thinking about you !

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

WOW....

 

You have a Husband at home!

How do you go about falling in love for someone at work and are still able to go home everyday to your H?

Thats cruel..... cheating on a one night stand is one thing.....physical is just that.

But on a psychological/emotional level it is wrong, wrong, wrong....

 

Even when you do move on from this other man, how will you ever fall in love with your husband again? Is it possible to ever feel happy next to him again?

 

I wish you and your family the best.....

[smileysmile]

oh dear. What has your husband done to deserve this?

 

This is my opinion. That is why we are here and not necessarily here to agree with what you are doing or tell you what you want to hear.

I think you should choose a different path and let your H find somebody else who will love him. You seemed to have crossed a forbidden line here.

Maybe your emotional/physical needs aren't being met by your H?

 

But the fact you say you haven't felt this way about anybody else the way you do for your co-worker. WOW! If your H found this out I dread to think what it would do to him. I personally think you need to move on..away from your H and not think you are doing him a favour by staying with him. You clearly aren't happy with your H. You and this man should hang your heads in shame. So many people will stay with there partners until at least somebody else is waiting in the wings. That is the hardest and most cruelest way to behave towards your spouse when if your current M isn't working you should separate and then have time to think if this was the right thing to do. Like I said it is my opinion and how I would feel if I were married to you or if I knew of anybody who would do this. In fact my work place is rife for this sort of thing and I do actually know of some who are doing this. It beggars belief. Sorry, I tell it how it is.

[RainyGirl]

Orion,

 

Your situation: I totally understand why part of you wants to flirt with him in order to hurt him (or at least get him to see what he is missing). No, it's not right, but I can empathize. If you did hurt him, would you ever know it? Would he tell you?

 

You falling for him more because he doesn't want to cheat on his wife rings a very familiar bell with me. My "guy" was/is very reluctant to get involved with me because I am married. That fact alone made me want him MORE. I have greater respect for him. It makes sense that you would be interested in someone more once they showed a good quality. In this case, integrity.

 

My situation: No, he didn't ask any questions during our brief text messaging session the other day. He replied quickly, seemed interested, and was leaning towards giving me an apology when he had to abruptly stop texting. He was late for work (I took the day off).

 

Yesterday, I called him for the 1st time in over two weeks. I left him a voicemail on his personal cell. My excuse to phone was that I needed his new work-phone extension #. He knows that I really don't "need" this #. He called me back quickly and gave me the new number without any questions. His tone and comments were friendly and typical. Neither one of us brought up the 16 days of NC or the reasons. Our convo lasted not even 3 minutes when I had to abruptly hang up because I was needed at work. I told him that I would call him again "sometime". I haven't contacted him since.

 

The reasons for the NC were due to much frustration on my part. The days leading up to the start of NC were filled with me thinking, "Should I just end this? Should I do NC?" I didn't want to hurt him by disappearing with no apparent reason. So, I waited for an opportunity that made sense to him. One day, we got into a fairly minor argument over work-related stuff. We were on the phone going back and forth with this debate. Our tones became harsh. I used this argument as my way out and I ended the convo by raising my voice at him and letting him know that I had "nothing more to say". The argument had nothing to do with our relationship, but we did get mad at each other. That was the beginning of 16 days of NC. Total, total, NC.

 

I actually thought that he would initiate contact with me. He didn't. I became crushed, even though I am the one that pretty much planned the NC. I needed the NC because he was confusing me. He was hot and cold. We would get close (emotionally) and then he'd pull back. I couldn't take the ups and downs.

 

Of course, now that I broke NC I am wondering "Should I call him back like I told him I would?" "Does he really want me to?" "He didn't call me for 16 days, so is that a sign that he doesn't care or was he struggling with NC too?"

 

At this point, I just want his friendship. I want us to be able to work together as friends. Now, if I could just get rid of these freaking lustful feelings I have for him !!!!!!!!

[Orion0767]

I didn't post here so that I could be told that I am cruel and that I should be ashamed of myself. Do you think I am proud of this ? I assure you , I am not.

 

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts. They have all been taken into consideration. I won't be returining to post any further replies.

[Always Wrong]

Orion0767

I feel so very bad for your situation. It's amazing how powerful the heart and mind are. The chemical responses that trigger these intense emotional urges are not with any predictability in our control.

 

I'm glad I don't have any experience to guide my response...this is a very painful thread. I've never allowed myself to even think about the idea of an affair while I was married, or engaged. I've never even dated two in the same month. I've always been a one-at-a-time guy. If I know a woman is married or dating someone, I steer clear and give her the respect an honorable man should.

 

That man you are speaking of does not respect you. He is a cad. You should be angry as hell at him for what he did. You played your part too, but all is not lost. If you are a person of faith, you need to call your Higher Power on the Hotline!

 

Do not bail out on your marriage. Do not confess to your husband. Save your marriage if you can and still want to. Tell your co-worker this has gotten out of hand and you are terminating the game.

 

It is just a silly little game you are playing, it's gotten out of hand, and the stakes you have waged are your family. Wow... you would be a terror in Vegas.lol Suck it up, take a deep breath and push your mental clock back 1.5 years.

 

Please don't go into an emotional tailspin. You were daring enough to let this happen, so I'll bet you are strong enough to recover from it. I am close to my God, so as I have for others, I will put in a good word for you.

 

AW

 

PS. I'm sorry to see you aren't returning.

Edited January 27, 2008 by Always Wrong

[RainyGirl]

I didn't post here so that I could be told that I am cruel and that I should be ashamed of myself. Do you think I am proud of this ? I assure you , I am not.

 

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts. They have all been taken into consideration. I won't be returining to post any further replies.

 

Orion, don't let some of the not-so-thought-out replies deter you from expressing yourself on this forum. I know how you feel. Many people here have no clue. They attempt to simplify a very complex situation by making statements like, "You're mean to your hubby", "Just get a divorce", "You are evil". Blah, blah, blah. Postings like that don't deserve a response because they obviously don't get your issues.

 

Many people marginalize our feelings simply because we are married. They believe that a marriage license is enough to stop our human feelings. We KNOW that it is not "right" to cheat. We KNOW that someone may get hurt. We KNOW what is moral and what is not. We KNOW that if we just behaved differently our spouses wouldn't get hurt. Yes, WE ALREADY KNOW THIS. We come to this board for guidance, not judgment. Our feelings are no less powerful, uncontrollable, and important than a single person's feelings that is posting about heartbreak on the dating forum. IT IS THE FREAKING SAME TORTURE. Speaking for myself, part of that torture is KNOWING that my husband would be hurt, and KNOWING that my actions are screwed up.

 

Orion, very few people here will understand your plight. I am asking that you continue to post your story so that those of us that do understand and are going through the same thing can get something out of it. Just ignore the unproductive and unhelpful replies. That is what I do.

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

Im sorry if my post came out the wrong way in your understanding...

 

I did not intend to offend you.

 

I never said get a divorce or even marginalized you for being married.

 

What I meant was that, if you have a physical afair without the emotion arising it wouldnt have been so bad, you could have seen you were making a mistake and just walked it off easily. Bringing in feelings is very complicated, falling in love with another man means you fell out of love with your husband and what I wanted to point out is how could after this happening you live with him while not being in love with him?

 

I lost my girfriend recently, and the thought of having her not being in love with me anymore kills me because I know almost for certain that she will never fall in love with me again and be with me in a life-long partnership.

On these boards everybody says to move on and forget the exes because they lost their loving feeling.....

 

Thats why I wonder....how will you ever regain that love again?

 

like I said. I did not mean to offend anyone, it just hurts me to see that youre hurting yourself now and most likely again in the future. I feel for you....Please come back and express yourself

[Meaplus3]

I didn't post here so that I could be told that I am cruel and that I should be ashamed of myself. Do you think I am proud of this ? I assure you , I am not.

 

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts. They have all been taken into consideration. I won't be returining to post any further replies.

 

Orion, Don't let one poster push you away here. This is a great place to help with recovering from an ea. I understand how hard this is for you...It hurt's like H*** to have your heart broken and it takes time to heal.. Hug's.

 

AP:)

[cj1988]

No, do not let someone run you away, BUT be prepared for some BS to get on here and tell you how your H may be felling. I know that I always think NOW "How would I feel before doing something that could hurt another"...I have learned to put myself on both sides of the fence before I get into or do anything.

 

Not only that, look at all the pain you have inflicted on yourself now, is it all worth it or was it all worth it. What did you intend on happening? You knew you were not going to leave and neither will he, so sweetie what has this "Love" gotten you so far, nothing.....think about the future, not now and you may see it differently !

 

Last, if your H finds out, you will be torn apart and then you will want him again, always happens that way. You are infatuated, not in love !

[serendip]

Many people marginalize our feelings simply because we are married. They believe that a marriage license is enough to stop our human feelings. We KNOW that it is not "right" to cheat. We KNOW that someone may get hurt. We KNOW what is moral and what is not. We KNOW that if we just behaved differently our spouses wouldn't get hurt. Yes, WE ALREADY KNOW THIS. We come to this board for guidance, not judgment. Our feelings are no less powerful, uncontrollable, and important than a single person's feelings that is posting about heartbreak on the dating forum. IT IS THE FREAKING SAME TORTURE. Speaking for myself, part of that torture is KNOWING that my husband would be hurt, and KNOWING that my actions are screwed up.

 

 

If you know all this...how it would hurt your partner deeply....why would you continue to do it? Do you just not care for your partner anymore?

 

Sorry if I come off harsh...but I know the pain of infidelity from the other point of view. My ex cheated on me emotionally for months and months(I much rather she had a one night stand and move on with it)...I fought my pain for months and I truly forgave her for it....only to have her do it again(I just wish she had the decency to break up with me before she cheated). It destroyed me and caused me to question myself. I had serious trust issues b/c of her betrayal. For a while I lost my faith in people and that was the lowest point I've ever felt in my life. I seeked revenge by manipulating her b/c I wanted her to feel a portion of the way she made me feel. I felt god-awful about it.

 

To this day she doesn't know why she did it. She told me she loved me deeply and never been happier with another person....yet she cheated. I asked her if I wasn't giving her what she needed in the relationship...she told me I gave her everything she needed. She even told me she knew there was no long term potential with the guy and that she wanted to marry me...yet she still cheated knowing how much it would hurt me.

 

After 9 months...I still have the wound that infidelity causes....and I don't know what I did to deserve it(I treated her with respect and love). From everything I read on the subject...cheating(emotional or physical) comes down to 2 things...selfishness and weakness of character issues.

Edited January 28, 2008 by serendip

[Zolie]

Why did I break NC? I feel crappy now. I've been staring at my phone since hoping he'll call or text.

 

BTDT. To both of you, Orion and RainyGirl, I can tell you I completely understand this. When the EA, PA, etc first starts, waiting for those emails, texts, calls, etc are exciting and thrilling as well as excruciating. Then, once the relationship begins to be more painful than pleasurable, and NC is established, the pain of NC is strong, but the relief of not constantly waiting for contact is so blissful. The lack of tension of waiting for that ring, ping or whatever is so relieving.

 

Then, the second you break NC and hit that send button, you are right back to the tension of waiting and wondering. Yep, BTDT.

 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Lather. Rinse. Repeat...

 

All I can tell you is how I handled it. I rode that roller coaster ride too many times to count, and by the end, the up-slopes were *not* worth the down-slopes, so I ended it. I'm alone now, having finally left my husband, and finally letting MM go. But, alone is a LOT better than experiencing the agony of those roller coaster rides on a daily basis. The peace I feel now is 1000 times better than the anxiety, tension, constant waiting and wondering that I felt before.

 

Best of luck...

[Zolie]

What I meant was that, if you have a physical afair without the emotion arising it wouldnt have been so bad, you could have seen you were making a mistake and just walked it off easily.

 

Ahhh, but see, AandB, that's not how it works for women. Most women can't just have a physical affair without emotions arising. Yes, some can, but a huge majority can't. In fact, for some of us, the emotional attraction begins long before the physical attraction begins.

 

I am so sorry you lost your girl. There is nothing more painful than losing someone we love to a breakup. Not only do you have to deal with not having them in your life anymore, but you also have to deal with the feelings of rejection. It's no picnic for any of us.

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

Ahhh, but see, AandB, that's not how it works for women. Most women can't just have a physical affair without emotions arising. Yes, some can, but a huge majority can't. In fact, for some of us, the emotional attraction begins long before the physical attraction begins.

 

I am so sorry you lost your girl. There is nothing more painful than losing someone we love to a breakup. Not only do you have to deal with not having them in your life anymore, but you also have to deal with the feelings of rejection. It's no picnic for any of us.

-ZOLIE

 

I was always one to say that when women do have physical affairs they have to already have underlying emotions. Unlike men who just want to see if theyre able to conquer another woman.

But I figured it wouldnt be so hard alredy emotionally as you stated when it gets to that point.

 

Are there any factors in a one night stand that will afect a womans mind also?

If there is please let me know.

If there is I would like to apologize to all the lovely ladies who I might have hurt in the past.

[Zolie]

Are there any factors in a one night stand that will afect a womans mind also?

If there is please let me know.

 

That's a good question, and one I can't answer because I've never had a one night stand.

 

But, I would hazard a guess that if the ONS is comprised of two people who have never or barely met, then it is just for both of them to enjoy sex for the sake of sex. Nothing wrong with that.

 

On the other hand, a ONS between two people who know one another, could mean that one of them is hoping for more. But, that is not gender specific.

 

I think what you are asking, is does a ONS hurt the woman, because most women equate sex with love? I guess it just depends on if the woman is doing it because she has developed emotional feelings for the man, hoping for more, or is just doing it to enjoy a sexual interlude.

[Orion0767]

I have been lurking for a couple of days deciding whether I should post again. I think that maybe some of the "cruel" and "ashamed" comments may have hit a little too close to home. The fact is that I am ashamed and mortified and scared as hell that I let this happen. But , at the same time I cannot deny that I have feelings for another man. My mentality right now is that I think I found the person that is perfect for me and that I could truly be happy with and I missed him - someone else has him and there is not anything that I can do about it. This is what is tearing me up inside . And , please don't say that if he were Mr. Right then he wouldn't have taken part in all of this. From all accounts he is not happy either. I think that if he were truly happy then there is no way in hell that he would have done this. I think that I know him well enough to know this . And I honestly think that we could have been happy together. I am not in any way trying to justify our actions. They were wrong - undenyably wrong and I realize this and do not need to be told. But unfortunately , the realization that it was wrong does not make the hurt go away.

 

I have had a very hard week . I have had a lot of my feelings rise to the surface and it has been very difficult to deal with. I had a long talk with the one person who knows everything that has happened - another co-worker who I trust completley. I cried about it , I laughed about it and even realized how ridiculous the whole thing is. But , once again none of that makes the hurt go away. To make matters worse for me - he actually told this co-worker today that I "looked hot". My heart sank when she told me.

 

I 'm not so sure that posting in this forum has been a huge help to me? Other than knowing that there are other people that go through the same sort of things ? It seems to have made everything bubble up and boil over for me . I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing ? For those of you who think I am a horrible person -I'm not. I just got wrapped up in something that I did not see coming. When my head caught up to my heart it was too late to reason my way out of it.

 

Unfortunately , my misery continues until I can find a way to dig out of this hole. Only I can decide when to let it all go and I guess I am just not able to do it just yet .......

[Always Wrong]

So, obviously you aren't going to discourage him because you love him... that's perfectly normal. Are you in a position to file for divorce and make a swift exit? That's what I would do if I were unhappy and my partner was unhappy too. There's no sence in making each other miserable when there is an alternative.

 

If you did that, is there any chance that he would do the same to be with you? If so, then you don't need any advice from anyone but an attorney.

 

Set all the moral dilemas aside. Set what everyone else who may critisize you aside... if you can, and do what makes you feel good. Think about how you reacted to the critisizm here. There will probably be more, and closer to you than an internet web site.

 

You will no doubt hear from his wife at some point. Let's hope she is a sharing person, otherwise she may be prepaired to fight for him. You will no doubt hear from her attorney too... attorneys don't share.

 

Think this through several moves in advance... like a professional chess player. Your world is going to be in a tremendous state of flux when you move on these emotions to be with him. What are you going to do when he experiences what he's obviously curious about, and decides he's changed his mind about the whole thing afterward?

You going to enjoy going to work after that?

 

I'm not bulletproof emotionally. I would fear the possible downside too much to go there. Emotions are the most normal thing in the world. How we act on those emotions is what can create the problems.

 

Good luck, and keep in touch. You are going to need a place to vent and there are some very compassionate people here. The feedback you will get is coming from around the world, so it will be diverse. Hang in there.

AW

[CalamitousJane]

From all accounts he is not happy either. I think that if he were truly happy then there is no way in hell that he would have done this. I think that I know him well enough to know this . And I honestly think that we could have been happy together.

 

I'm really, really starting to believe that no one is capable of being a good partner unless he or she is already happy.

 

If the only way you think you can become a happy person is if you ditch your husband, then by all means do that. Ditch him, get happy, then approach this other guy.

 

And if he wants you he needs to take care of whatever's causing sadness in his life, then approach you once he's settled, stable and truly free.

 

If his weakness makes him stay trapped in unhappiness then he's not man enough for you.