ars1127 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 So my LDR BF of 2.5+ years decided last night that he needed "space." He says things don't "feel the same", whatever that means. He couldn't really explain it. Personally, I think the five hour distance between us is more than enough space, but I guess he doesn't. We've said that we won't be seeing other people/being intimate with other people while he works through whatever he's going through. I don't understand how you can wake up one morning and love someone, and the next you dont feel the same. And more often than not, this "space" is just a precursor to a breakup. Should I hold out hope? Give up? I'm respecting his wishes, although it's taking an emense amount of willpower not to call or email or get in the car and drive out there, but I'm trying. I'm going to go along with his wishes, but I just feel so broken. (BTW, I'm new here, so a very tearful hello.)
backspn Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Im in the same boat as you but she said we have to "slow down". She told me that she wants to go back to dating in a non exclusive way but that she isnt looking to date anyone else. I guess all you can do is work through it yourself. It kills me also but space is what they need. I am seeing a family therapist also which hepls me to be able to talk to someone about my feelings and how to best serve me and her at the same time. If it was meant to be and he really cares for you he will be back. Hang in there, been there before myself so this time is even more difficult. You will survive.
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Hello "ars"... Quick question before I weigh in - do/did the two of you have plans to move closer to one another in the future? If so, when? And who would be the one moving?
Racquel Colette Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I am sorry but this is not good. He is saying he is falling out of love with you and doesn't feel the same romantic spark he used to. Definitely use all your willpower not to contact him. In fact, if he texts/calls/emails, take at least 24 hours to respond. You don't want to be at his beck and call. I would focus on dating other guys, to be honest.
TMichaels Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 ars1127, If it was meant to be and he really cares for you he will be back. I know that this is probably of little comfort when you feel completely gutted, but backspn's comment is right on. Try to keep busy and give him the space he wants. The fact that you don't come running may rock his world enough to light the tunnel. Take care and come here as often as you need to to vent, share or ask for support. Thinking about you and hoping you're okay. Best, TMichaels
backspn Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I'm going to go along with his wishes, but I just feel so broken. I am really feeling for you right now. I know the world feels like its crashing down but really honestly truely will get better. After my one and only true love up to this point decided she wanted to see the greener grass after 3 years, it took all my willpower to get through each day. I lost 25 pounds, hardly slept and didnt even look at women in general. I never thought I would ever find love again. It took me 5 years to find it but I have and I am doing my best to not let this go. But in the end you cant control someone else's feelings. I know it sucks.
Author ars1127 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Hello "ars"... Quick question before I weigh in - do/did the two of you have plans to move closer to one another in the future? If so, when? And who would be the one moving? He had previously moved to be with me, but went back home due to family problems and a family member's death (this was a while ago so had no bearing on the current situation). We were planning on moving in together when I graduate college in May and hopefully get into graduate school where he lives.
Ocean-Blue Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I'm beginning to despise the word space. I hate it. The objective me gently urges you to give him the asked space and see what happens - if he matters enough. Have you thought about why he might be asking for space? Have you said/done anything the past that might've scared him a tad? How was he before all of this? Honestly, relationships are strange... And men are stranger. And no need for tears. Be strong and objective and try to make it work by obliging...for now. Good luck and welcome to LS.
Author ars1127 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Have you thought about why he might be asking for space? Have you said/done anything the past that might've scared him a tad? How was he before all of this? This came COMPLETELY out of the blue to me. I just spent almost a month out there for my winter break. Things seemed fine, which makes this harder because if the entire time I was out there he was thinking about this, it makes me feel so used. I would have sworn he was fine and everything was really good. We didn't fight but once and over something silly...made up the same day. We got along great, had a great time or so I thought. Apparently I was wrong.
Ocean-Blue Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 This came COMPLETELY out of the blue to me. I just spent almost a month out there for my winter break. Things seemed fine, which makes this harder because if the entire time I was out there he was thinking about this, it makes me feel so used. I would have sworn he was fine and everything was really good. We didn't fight but once and over something silly...made up the same day. We got along great, had a great time or so I thought. Apparently I was wrong. Then give him the space. Wait to see what happens. Really, life is too short to waste it on someone that pushes you away. But then again, if he has that certain je ne sais quoi...God, then I don't know... Prepare for what may come, but also take this time to reflect on what you want and if the R was really your thing. Maybe it wasn't? Maybe it is. Take the time to find out.
TMichaels Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Things seemed fine, which makes this harder because if the entire time I was out there he was thinking about this, it makes me feel so used. ars1127, Don't feel used. He may not have been thinking about it all the time while you were there, but your visit may have prompted him to think whether or not he's ready to take it to the next step. Though you said that family issues that precipitated his need to move home were a while ago, I wouldn't completely dismiss them as a factor. He's had a lot to deal with these past couple of years, and in his mind, moving in together in a few months might just feel like too much to deal with, right now. I understand how awful it feels to seemingly be "the last one to know." You probably are wracking your brain trying to figure out what you did wrong, what's the matter, how can you fix it, and how can you help him. More than likely, you're also thinking, if he is having "issues," why didn't/can't he share his thoughts/doubts/concerns with the one person who's probably been the closest to him for 2.5 years? Well, the problem is, (and I don't mean this in a derogatory way or to place blame), YOU are the problem, so how can he discuss any/all of this without hurting or insulting the person he loves? So, he's between a rock and a hard place, and that's probably why he's saying he needs some space to figure out what he wants and wants to do next. Yes, women are different. We like to talk it all over and talk it all out. Guys tend to internalize their feelings, and pull back when they need to think. If you push him, things will get worse, not better. When he's ready to come out of his cave, he will. So what do you do? Tell him that you love him. Tell him that you realize he's had a lot to deal with over the past couple of years, and you respect his wish to have some space to figure out what he wants, because his happiness is important to you. Tell him you are there for him -- but he needs to make the first move. Then, stick to your guns. Keep yourself busy. Don't cling. Don't beg. Don't come running. Let him ponder. In the meantime, as Ocean-Blue suggested, this "break" also should be a time during which you, yourself, do some serious thinking. Meaning, is this really the one and only "right" relationship for you? Hope this helps, TMichaels
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Space or slow down and men are not a good sign. The beginning of a split.
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