Support needed!!!!!

[Aquarius Rising]

Hi readers of loveshack forum. Firstly thank god there are sites like this available for people like me.

 

I have just yesterday ended an 8 week affair with a MM (20yrs married). I am also M (14yrs married). We met while away at a work conference and were instantly attracted to each other. We had both been drinking, he was flirting with many women, including me and buying drinks for us all. I went to leave the pub we were at and return to my hotel. He saw that I was leaving and followed, I will admit I was hoping he would.

 

We walked, talked and kissed for about 3 hrs that evening. At one point he tried to get a room at a motel but it was early hours of the morning and the staff were not answering. For me it was the kissing that was intoxicating, my husband and I did not do that very much anymore.

 

I was curious enough to want to see him again, he was not sure if he wanted to do that and in hindsight I think he was really hoping I would be a one-night stand. He told me that he had been in an affair before that had been very damaging to his marriage and very painful to end.

 

We did not exchange numbers that night so I had no real way of contacting him but he knew how to contact me.

 

4 days later he phoned. I was ecstatic, I had thought about litte else. I wanted to see him asap. He was a bit overwhelmed by my enthusiasm and said "I am happily married, with 3 beautiful children, and, I don't do this". He also said he was returning to his home country in approx 12 months to live. I was kind of floored. In hindsight I should have recovered my pride and hung up. Instead I said, I am 'not so happily married' with 2 beautiful children. I was unable to deny myself the way this man had made me feel.

 

A long story short, we stayed in touch daily over the next 8 weeks. Texting, phoning, meeting, kissing, cuddling, sharing our life stories. We talked at length about our partners and children. At the 6 week mark we made love, just once. It was a beautiful act of love, didn't feel like SEX.

 

We talked about being soul-connected. The feeling of one-ness that we had when we were together was unbelievable.

 

He began to talk about not returning to his home country but instead staying in Australia. He talked about starting his life over with me, building a home, living together even starting a business together. At the same time he would talk about his plans to return to his home country with his family. I was getting mixed messages and was not pressuring him to go one way or the other. I was though, falling very much in love with him and told him that repeatedly.

 

I was unable to really acknowledge the guilt I was having about betraying my H and children. I was intoxicated with the OM. I was addicted to the way I felt with him.

 

My H and I took a vacaction for 10 days over Xmas with our children. I was anxious about being away for the OM for this long. He told me that in the scheme of things that 10 days was nothing. He spoke to me several times about 'the rest of our lives together'.

 

We stayed in touch daily the first week of the vacation. And then he dropped the bombshell. He told his wife about us, fully confessed! I said that I would be there for him to support him. He told me "We have to stop". He wanted his marriage, not me. Ouch!!!

 

She continued from that day on to abusively threaten me to tell my H about us or she would. After 5 days of this pressure I buckled. I told my H

while away on our vacation. She insisted that my H phone her to prove to her that he knew about the A. It was horrible! We had 4 more days of our vacation with our children and I cried for most of them, and having to keep the truth from them.

 

My H was angry but soon turned his attention to me, wanting to recover our relationship. I felt guilty, worthless, ashamed, desperately lonely, abandoned and betrayed by the OM but also felt that I had lost the love of my life and my only soul-mate, being the OM.

 

Some of you are probably thinking, is she just F---ing Stupid!!

 

The OM told me that he had to tell his W because there was no way he was going to be able to stop seeing me otherwise. He was falling in love with me and told his W that.

 

The OM cut me off entirely. His wife ensured that I could have no contact with him.

 

I felt stupid. I feel stupid. How could I have been so gullible, vulnerable. I truly believed this was love and I still feel love for this man. I have also been able to get to know a different side of my husband and his support and forgiveness has been simply amazing. I really don't deserve to have him.

 

I am full of holes right now. Holes that I foolishly created.

 

I spoke to the OM yesterday for the first time in a couple of weeks. He said that he loves his wife and children and is surviving the recovery of his marriage but that that in no way diminishes his feelings for me. I said I wanted to say Goodbye as we had not had that opportunity. He said he did not want to say goodbye, that this may not be goodbye. I was happy about that at first, now I am confused.

 

Part of me is angry, but I know I have no right to be. I want to stop using good energy on this OM and pour it back into my marriage but I am still feeling so wounded and confused that I am not able to fully do that yet.

 

Any feedback from readers is appreciated.

 

Thanks guys

[jenniferc1114]

After reading your post I only had one word come to my mind...selfish. It appears you're only thinking about your feelings. You don't have the OM, his wife, his children, your H or your children in mind at all. Grow Up!

 

It may seem harsh, but hopefully you'll find a way to really "love" your family. You may be surprised to see how that will make you feel in the long run.

 

You can always find unconditional love from a parent or child, but to find that from a spouse...start thinking about how lucky you really are when so many search their whole lives for it.

[Bryanp]

You are very very lucky that you have a husband that is so forgiving. Your OM sounds like a player. His last conversation about not saying goodbye tells me he wants to keep the door open for more sex from you if the opportunity arises in the future. He is a user and a player. Please do not have any contact with him again. If you get sucked in again you will not be so lucky with your husband.

 

Imagine if the roles were reversed and your husband continued to have contact with his lover because he never truly had a chance to say goodbye. Wouldn't you feel totally humiliated once again. The bottom line is that you were used by the OM and his subsequent actions prove it.

Just remember the old saying: If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Count your lucky stars that you are still married because many men would have walked out on you especially since you were contact again with him.

[Aquarius Rising]

What I find so confusing is that I really felt that I loved my family completely before this man entered my life. My love for my children is unconditional. That appeared not to be the case with my H or I would not have willingly entered the A.

 

How can we be in one relationship that appears to be OK and be swept up by another so intoxicatingly that we no longer see our marital partner? Obviously there were huge deficits that were being ignored for whatever reasons.

[Aquarius Rising]

You are very very lucky that you have a husband that is so forgiving. Your OM sounds like a player. His last conversation about not saying goodbye tells me he wants to keep the door open for more sex from you if the opportunity arises in the future. He is a user and a player. Please do not have any contact with him again. If you get sucked in again you will not be so lucky with your husband.

 

Imagine if the roles were reversed and your husband continued to have contact with his lover because he never truly had a chance to say goodbye. Wouldn't you feel totally humiliated once again. The bottom line is that you were used by the OM and his subsequent actions prove it.

Just remember the old saying: If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Count your lucky stars that you are still married because many men would have walked out on you especially since you were contact again with him.

Thank-you also for your insight. I am very grateful for the clarity that others can offer here. When you are so caught up in it all, it is very hard to think logically or rationally. What you have said makes alot of sense to me and I do need to hear these messages from the from the community at large.

[LakesideDream]

Aquarius, you are here asking for "support". I seriously doubt you will get much. Many if not most of us here have been the recipitants of the treatment you are dishing out to your husband and children.

 

You put your needs, and passion before your responsibility to your marriage, husband and children. How are those actions deserving of support?

 

Your actions in total are an assault on all of us where were / are faithful spouses, good husbands/wives, and good mothers/fathers. Your "needs" emotional or vaginal were put ahead of all else.

 

The damage you have done to your family has not been inventoried. You write that your husband has become "supporting" turning his attention to the marriage. Maybe you are right, or maybe he is just battered.. weathering the storm. Unless he's a Saint the trouble will begin when he realizes that he can no long trust you. What then?

 

No Aquarius, I cannot find it in my heart or fingers to "support" you. I hope you feel all the pain you have earned.

[Aquarius Rising]

Aquarius, you are here asking for "support". I seriously doubt you will get much. Many if not most of us here have been the recipitants of the treatment you are dishing out to your husband and children.

 

You put your needs, and passion before your responsibility to your marriage, husband and children. How are those actions deserving of support?

 

Your actions in total are an assault on all of us where were / are faithful spouses, good husbands/wives, and good mothers/fathers. Your "needs" emotional or vaginal were put ahead of all else.

 

The damage you have done to your family has not been inventoried. You write that your husband has become "supporting" turning his attention to the marriage. Maybe you are right, or maybe he is just battered.. weathering the storm. Unless he's a Saint the trouble will begin when he realizes that he can no long trust you. What then?

 

No Aquarius, I cannot find it in my heart or fingers to "support" you. I hope you feel all the pain you have earned.

You are right in many ways. It would have been more appropriate to title this thread Feeback needed!

I would like to say though, that I don't believe many people enter an affair with the intention to inflict damage and pain onto others. This was never my intention though it has become the consequences of my actions. Not the least being my own pain for being needy, gullible and vulnerable to another man's affections and not strong enough to just say 'NO'.

[LakesideDream]

Aquarius, I beliee you when you write that you didn't enter the affair thinking about your husband and children. I also agree that many cheaters don't.

 

When you met your soon to be affair partner.. it was your emotional and vaginal needs that were foremost on your mind. That's an observation. This is why we have the formal contract called marriage, and the societial norms, such as they still exist that are designed to cause contemplation before talking the plunge into infidelity.

 

When I was married I wasn't a monk. I remember the occasional fantasy when relating to a lady over a business lunch, or at a garden party. I never acted on any of them because I was in love with my now ex wife, and was responsible for my children. My wife and family were more important to me than satisfying my curiousity, or scratching the itch in my loins.

 

Your problems are coming when your husband realizes that you had so little respect for him and your children that you would do what you did. Additional problems will come when the fear of distrupting the family dynamic begins to wain and the images of his wife being penetrated, or fellating a man outside marriage begin to surface.

 

You have a long road ahead.

[Aquarius Rising]

All of what you say is true and I am grateful for the perspective you share with me.

 

Some of us need to learn our life lessons the hard way. That may be a karmic thing, I don't know. I do know that I am one of those people who needs to experience life to know how best to live it. Sometimes we just can't fight our emotional instincts, we have to go with them, in order to learn from them.

 

Some of life's most valuable lessons, cost the most.

[smartgirl]

I am writing to you from the most conflicted emotional place imaginable. I feel your pain, your mm pain and his W pain in not quite equal, but distributed, parts.

 

I KNOW what you are feeling. But more important, I am on the backside of those feelings and have now been on the receiving end having been betrayed by my beloved H of 30 years through his A with a coworker.

 

I wish I could talk to you in person because I remember that place when I was in my 30s and married for about 16 years with two young children. At the moment when I should have felt happiest, I felt the most lost. Somehow, my sensual side and my most personal side had gotten lost. I didn't feel that anything about me personally was of interest to anyone, my H and children and parents included. I felt that it was only what I could give to people that was of interest.

 

Meeting a man that seems to want you for you -- the surface of you -- not what you can do for him or how you make him feel -- makes you feel so wanted and desirable on an uncomplicated level and that feels so good. You just want some romance, some beauty, some poetry -- the kind that doesn't involve the practical aspects of day to day life which is all you feel like you mean to the people around you. It feels like they only want you for what you can do for them. That stuff made you feel good before and it will make you feel good again. But for right now, you want to be a little selfish. Why not, you think, that is what you feel everyone else is doing.

 

That is the thinking that leads to affairs and the explosion of lives. It is a temporary feeling that can have long term permanent consequences. What the OM did was the right thing. He was tempted by you and not having the strength to feel he could resist you, he told his wife -- his fail safe. That, he felt, would ensure that he would not give in. Messy and whimpy, but effective. I don't recommend it as a first choice, but I would go with it if the person felt that was all they had the moral character to handle.

 

You WILL feel differently later. You will be sorry you ever let these feelings endanger our life. But I understand why you have them. As a woman, we want to be desired and longed for for our essential self. Our husbands usually no longer see us that way. We are a "partner" when we want to be the object of desire.

 

Pull back. Fantasize about the moments of desire. Know in your heart that he wanted you and was so afraid of the consequences of that that he took the risky step of telling his beloved wife. Sleep with that at night and let it warm your sexual, womanly side. And then, let it slowly pass away into memory.

 

In the end, you will realize it is a love story, a romance novel, a poem -- something to make you feel romantic and beautiful, but not all of the other things that speak to who you really are and what you want out of life.

 

Give yourself time and take care of the people you love.

[Leia]

Part of me is angry, but I know I have no right to be. I want to stop using good energy on this OM and pour it back into my marriage but I am still feeling so wounded and confused that I am not able to fully do that yet.

 

Please don't call OM ever again. Just leave it at that. Concentrate on your H and family, he is willing to work it out with you even after what you told him. Count yourself very lucky.

 

Just focus the good energy on your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

If you really want to heal and get over the exMM, seek one on one counselling.

 

Appreciate what you have in your husband and hopefully together you two can find that place of true and honest love again...But, it has to start from you and that means you completely letting go of the exMM in everyway. And, no more contact with him ever again.

[Mr. Lucky]

What I find so confusing is that I really felt that I loved my family completely before this man entered my life. My love for my children is unconditional.

If your love for your children is so strong, why would you put them in such a precarious position? Can you imagine the pain and disruption to their lives to go through the break-up of your marriage? I wouldn't characterize your actions as selfish - more self-centered...

 

Mr. Lucky

[underpants]

This is a very sad story. The most heartbreaking is that all that pain could have been prevented with a few moments of fore thought.

 

You speak of karma and such. However, I don't even know if you have dealt with what will and may come from this action.

 

I am glad you were honest with your H (although it was late). I don't know the type of man he is (do you think he would cheat on you?, maybe one day given what you have done?).

 

You best bet is to take the consequences on the chin and get you and him into some therapy. Take all your energy, good and bad and focus it where your priorities are.

 

I hope it works out for you. However, to be honest, I don't know if these wounds ever really heal completely.

[Cobra_X30]

Part of me is angry, but I know I have no right to be. I want to stop using good energy on this OM and pour it back into my marriage but I am still feeling so wounded and confused that I am not able to fully do that yet.

 

Any feedback from readers is appreciated.

 

Thanks guys

 

I think it very prudent that you start to protect what you still have!

 

This whole post was mostly about your OM. Who comes across as a total jerk. The guy saw your weakness and pounced. He chased after you... with full knowledge of what he wanted regardless of what it would cost you. He knew his wife would put up with whatever he does. The rest was just sweet words to string you along!

 

Do not make the mistake of focusing on this loser! I'm going to promise you now... If I am correct this is still fresh, and your H is not done processing this. If you don't act now to save what you have... his love will turn to anger and hate.... then apathy and indifference.

[Aquarius Rising]

Thankyou so much Smartgirl. Your words have touched me deeply. You speak straight to my heart. I will use this information wisely. Your username is very accurate.

[Aquarius Rising]

Thankyou Cobra X30. Since joining this forum yesterday I have quickly (miraculously) come to see the OM in a different light. You are right and I have already begun refocusing my energies back to my H and children and will continue to. Thanks again.

[Aquarius Rising]

If your love for your children is so strong, why would you put them in such a precarious position? Can you imagine the pain and disruption to their lives to go through the break-up of your marriage? I wouldn't characterize your actions as selfish - more self-centered...

 

Mr. Lucky

I suppose I was beginning to think maybe I would be a better parent if I were happier in the relationship with the OM and convinced myself that my children would benefit in the long run from that? Thinking is unclear when one is so emotionally overtaken.

[Aquarius Rising]

If you really want to heal and get over the exMM, seek one on one counselling.

 

Appreciate what you have in your husband and hopefully together you two can find that place of true and honest love again...But, it has to start from you and that means you completely letting go of the exMM in everyway. And, no more contact with him ever again.

You are absolutely right.

[Cobra_X30]

Thankyou Cobra X30. Since joining this forum yesterday I have quickly (miraculously) come to see the OM in a different light. You are right and I have already begun refocusing my energies back to my H and children and will continue to. Thanks again.

 

I'm super glad!

 

Look, lots of people mess up! Not all of them get second chances. Don't expect this to heal overnight.

 

It's going to be super helpful to read through some of the threads from the guys who's wives had affairs. It may give you insight into how your H is feeling, and what he needs from you.

 

Also... We both know that your H isnt the perfect guy. Make sure at some point that he starts being more of the man you need! Otherwise your just going to wind up staying with him just out of guilt.

[Aquarius Rising]

Please read these two lines, now that I've put them right next to each other, and think about what this guy was really all about from the very beginning. You said he was flirting with all the women and buying them all drinks. He probably would have f'd any one of them. I'm not saying you're not a special woman, but you really need to put this guy in perspective and see him for what he really is. A cheating POS who will hurt his wife over and over and over.

Well said. Hard to accept, but no doubt the truth. Thanks sameoldcrap.

[Aquarius Rising]

I'm super glad!

 

Look, lots of people mess up! Not all of them get second chances. Don't expect this to heal overnight.

 

It's going to be super helpful to read through some of the threads from the guys who's wives had affairs. It may give you insight into how your H is feeling, and what he needs from you.

 

Also... We both know that your H isnt the perfect guy. Make sure at some point that he starts being more of the man you need! Otherwise your just going to wind up staying with him just out of guilt.

I will do that. This forum is invaluable. It feels like speaking to the universe and getting answered. I do believe in Karma, and I know that I have seriously disturbed mine as a result of this A. But I also think that the people that I am hearing from on this forum, I was meant to hear from (karmically speaking).

Thanks once again.

[BetrayedMM]

It warms my heart to see a cheater 'get it' so thoroughly and quickly. You are on the right track, doing the right thing the right way. Yes, you screwed up, and there is no excuse for what you have done, but even before coming here for advice (I hope you don't actually get support, but there are those who really do support infidelity) you did the right thing, although to be fair it was only because you were forced to.

 

The only thing I would add to the advice you have gotten is this- there is something inside you that is messed up enough to allow you to do this. Perhaps seek IC. Sounds like insecurity to me. I would actively work on that if I were you.

 

Realize that you don't need the attention of random men to validate you. Know that that sex certainly was not 'making love'. Yeah, you enjoyed it, but calling it that is only an attempt to make something legitimate out of it. I know you don't want to feel 'dirty', but if you keep telling yourself how 'beautiful' it was, well... you see where I'm going with this...

[Aquarius Rising]

I know it's been a while since I received your post, but I have thought about your words almost daily over the past few weeks. I just wanted to say another thank-you for sharing your thoughts with me. Your post has really changed my reality in a way I didn't think was possible. I owe part of my slow recovery to you.

God Bless.