shadowplay Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Instead of rehashing what has gone down I will paste my correspondence with my bf over the last few days. Hey Shadowplay, I'm sorry for the whole --- situation, perhaps I didn't handle it properly. There was an awkward moment between me and ---- and it just came out; I think I just wanted to get it over with. Still, I feel as though I am (and was) being treated unfairly. I have been wary of the idea from the beginning, and have tried to politely convey that to you. I went along with it because it was what you wanted. If only you could make up your mind. It's okay if you want to take a step back, I just don't feel that I should be responsible for it. You wanted ----, so fine, I agreed. Then when I told him (albeit not by your instructions) you accused me of treason. I feel that by agreeing to such a request I've gone above and beyond social faux-pas to make you happy. Now all I ask is that you keep me as uninvolved with the whole idea as possible. If you want ----, fine. His number is -----; his email is -----; Do what you will, but promise me that you won't utter (or type) his name to me ever again. I suppose what irks me more than anything else is that I feared that this attraction would wreck our relationship or my friendship with ----. Despite my efforts it has come to that. The situation definitely has some Macbethian irony. Sorry that these words may be more biting than usual, but I feel vindicated in being angry. You ambushed me into saying that I wasn't capable of loving fully (as you define it) as an excuse to pursue ----. You wanted to break up with me for that, then when I said I'd help you, and then did [basically] as you asked and you accused me of being disloyal. I told ---- the truth as you told it to me. Why must you swim in a sea of constant confusion? I'll say it: this ---- business hurts. It hurts that a little Beatles small talk and pot will make you want to jump ship so easily. It hurts that all the in bed comments like, "you can trust me" and "I don't want to hurt you" or "I love you so much" would be so quickly overlooked. I guess they don't call them "sweet nothings" for nothing. With regards to the "whoreish" comment in your first email. Your justifications to me made me feel as if it were the truth. I told --- the truth. Besides, you put me in a place you knew I didn't want to be in. This isn't 7th grade and I'm not a platonic female friend; I have a great deal of feelings for you. I can't imagine how I would have mentioned the situation to ---- without being frank. What would I have said? "Shadowplay really likes you and maybe you could get to know one another better and eventually hook up." It feels wrong, because internally I am offended by the idea; I can pretend that it doesn't affect me forever. Now that all that's out there, I just wanted to let you know that I love you very much. I agreed to the arrangement because I thought it would make you happy. I do think about you frequently and miss you, even from [the city where we now both live]. I came back to [this city] because of you; you said you wanted to live in the same city (NY was also dragging on my soul). I'm glad you liked the chocolate rose, and (I hope) the real ones. I love seeing you satisfied, and I have enjoyed feeling my love for you grow over the past months. It is my sincerest hope that our love is given the opportunity to grow in future. I am truly sorry that our relationship has become so strained by this. As for something fun, maybe Henry V or a bike ride? My bed if finally summoning. ~XXXX Here's my response. XXXX, I appreciate your honesty, even when it was hard to read. You're perfectly justified in your feelings and anger. I would feel the same in your position. I've mistreated you, and I am sorry for that. I know my words may now ring hollow, but I do care about you. Everything I said to you about how I feel has been true, including the bad things. Welcome to the confusing place that is my brain. If anything I have been too candid; I should have never brought up certain topics. I won't lie. I've felt torn at times. I don't know how it is possible to both love somebody and want something more, but that seems to be have been the case. I suspect it is commitment phobia, or a fear of giving my all only to find myself alone at the finish line. Throughout our relationship, I've been plagued with anxiety and I'm not sure why. This hasn't been the case in my past relationships even though, in all honesty, I had much weaker feelings for them than I do for you. Perhaps it is precisely because my feelings for you are stronger, so I have more to lose. But I think it's something more. I'm someone who needs total commitment from the other partner to feel fully secure in a relationship. I realize this is an unreasonable expectation to hang on you. I'm not angry at you for not being this way. This is just the way you are, and it's probably healthy, but (unfortunately) it happens to trigger a lot of my insecurities. I think it's hard when both people in a relationship have problems trusting, because neither may trust fully until the other shows total commitment. It was unfair that I didn't even give you a chance to change the behavior that was making me anxious (poor communication when we're apart). I guess I assumed from my cynical standpoint that people don't change, and it was a lost cause. I will try to give you more of a chance in the future. It's not clear to me if I would feel this way in any relationship with someone I loved, or it's something about us. That is why I've been torn. I also tend to idealize what I don't have based on very little information. The grass is greener mentality and all that. Now that you understand how pronounced my confusion is, perhaps you will understand why I need to take a step back to sort my head out. I hope things work out for the best. I am truly sorry that I have hurt you so. Where's a De Lorean when you need one? After all this heaviness, I'm looking forward to a little light-hearted fun. [COLOR=#888888] [/COLOR]Shadowplay After this email we got together again, and had a great time. I was planning on keeping things strictly platonic, but I caved and we had sex. I had every intention of staying platonic, but you know how it is when you're around somebody you have feelings for and one thing leads to another... The weird thing is suddenly I feel a lot closer to him than I did before. I don't know how it's possible, but it's like we suddenly clicked (what I had been waiting for all along). He too has gotten closer to me, probably sensing my newfound comfort. Doesn't conflict usually tear people apart, not bring them closer together? I totally led him on. Now he probably thinks we're back together, though I didn't actually say that we were. I know NC is the best way, but it will be unbearably painful to go from seeing him all the time to not at all. How do you do that with someone you still have strong feelings for, even knowing it can't work in the long term? Especially when you're confused as to whether you even want to break things off at all. Here's an email he sent me yesterday, after our time together: Hey Shadowplay, Thank you for this email, it made my day. I enjoyed very much watching the official "best movie ever" with you, and hope that you did too. As always I wanted to express that I love you very much. I think the [friend] business annoyed me because it threatened what we've cultivated over that past months. I suppose the sex was not what really worried me, but instead that you felt that I couldn't provide what you sought. I feel my love growing for you daily, and am deeply in love with you now. I hope for both our sake that we can continue to grow our trust long into the future. Upon reflection I feel that I am not emotionally crippled, and am confident that the emotional closeness which you seek can be reached. I may just grow to trust slower than some, but so is the way of the cautious. I'm sorry that my communication when we are apart has been sub-par at times. Perhaps this email will allay some of your fears. I want very much to solve any problems we may encounter. Alas alas, we didn't see ---- yesterday. From what I gather they have performances on ----. Perhaps this week could be the week to take in some high-brow entertainment. --- played an acoustic version of "love will tear us apart" tonight and I thought of you; JD is slowly rubbing off on me. If only Joy Division did a funk album. I had better quit while I am way way behind. I look forward to a silly and wonderful response. Love, XXXX He's been very good about communicating lately, but now today...he's acting weird again. I spoke to him on IM and he seemed distracted. He told me he would call me in twenty mins to set plans for tonight, and ended up calling almost an hour and a half later. I am so sick of this. How can he go from ardent to distant so quickly? Everytime I emotionally invest again he pulls this on me. Ok, there may be another explanation for his strange behavior, related to the friend...but I'm not going to get into it until I find out if my suspicions about something are correct. I'll find out when I see him tonight.
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