Mustang Sally Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Ok, so I guess I'm full of questions today. But EM's thread got me thinking. As well as another conversation that I have had recently with a friend. How much sex really is enough in a LTR/marriage? The following illustrations are rather loaded, in a stereotypical gender way, but I think could certainly apply to the opposite gender situation as well, so please be advised that I am not attempting to limit the discussion to either gender being exclusively on any particular side of the equation, here. For instance, there are the women who just want sex once every one to three weeks (or less?). Is this even a remotely realistic expectation of any healthy, normally libido'ed man? I mean, isn't this sort of expectation (or disconnect, depending on how one looks at it) just a SET UP for trouble at some point? (No judgement being issued, here...I'm just taking a pragmatic approach.) And for the men who want it at least twice a day, every day (menstrual periods included), is this ever a realistic expectation? I mean, on a chronic, long-term basis? (I'm left thinking..."Who has the time?" ) Again. No judgement, but I think there are many men who would be happy with daily or twice daily sex...although I'm doubting that there are very many in LTRs who actually consistently get it that often. Of course, I reallize for every extreme scenario I set up, there will be tens (nay, hundreds?) of people who may chime in and inform me how they want sex every hour of the day, and have a SO who happily complies.... Or they have sex only once a year when the moon is full and the planets are aligned and both partners are just peachy with the set up. But come on. For most of us, neither of the above scenarios is a plausible or sustainable long term (and I'm talking decades of years, here) arrangement. So what is acceptable? How much should both partners have to compromise to reach a workable resolution? Exactly equal amounts? And if not, then which one ends up getting the advantage, usually? And why is that? Or should we all just refuse to enter into LTRs with anyone who is not now, or ever will be (warm up those crystal balls, everyone), less than 100% sexually compatible with us? What do you think?
quankanne Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 (edited) So what is acceptable? How much should both partners have to compromise to reach a workable resolution? Exactly equal amounts? And if not, then which one ends up getting the advantage, usually? And why is that? when you get down to it, no compromise really is acceptable, because there's always going to be one person feeling that he/she is losing out. But for the betterment of the relationship, that one spouse is going to be the one who does the most "compromising" because from what I've seen, it's usually just that person who puts the relationship first. And the other person has the advantage because he/she "wins" by getting their way, even though it's termed a "compromise." it sucks, really, but sometimes you make decisions you don't particularly care for because you realize the bigger picture is more important than your wants or desires Edited January 23, 2008 by quankanne
Mr. Lucky Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Or should we all just refuse to enter into LTRs with anyone who is not now, or ever will be (warm up those crystal balls, everyone), less than 100% sexually compatible with us? What do you think? I think compromise is a word loaded with negative connotations. How about "evolve" ? It's natural that one's relationship changes over time - how boring would it be otherwise? Those changes are lifestyle, social, familial, age, financial, etc. So your crystal ball will not be of much use, because the question is not IF the relationship will change but HOW. And anyone who thinks that both parties won't have to compromise (there's that word!) is either in denial or headed for disaster. There's nothing more dangerous in a relationship than that feeling of "I'm right, so it's up my SO to deal with it". Mr. Lucky
CraigAllen Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Well, a person could look at it this way. Assuming you don't have an affair partner on the side, how often are you going to have sex if you get divorced? Does a person think they go out into the world of dating and get laid more than a couple times a week? Hard to know, eh? Do you suppose that plays into the compromise?
wanttoknow Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 this is a great question. My wife and I have had seemingly less and less sex over the past few years. To make a long story short, there are many reasons for it, from lack of self-esteem to a lack of direction in the relationship. We are working more than we ever have to right the ship and in many ways I think that, as difficult as it has been for me to wait, it will be worth it. We have talked before and honestly, for me 2 to 3 times per week would be great - and knowing with schedules and everything that would be difficult at times, but it is something that I believe we both want to get to. As long as both parties are in communication about it, then there is a goal to reach and it is agreeable to both. When there is no communication or if one person decides that the way they are is set in stone, then I believe you have problems and a need to get some outside help - MC, and/or leave the relationship. Staying in an unfulfilling relationship with no hope of it getting better and one or both not willing to work at it will lead to years of misery and depression. I think the amount is flexible depending on the couple! Just my opinion:)
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