Phoenix11 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Last Friday I went on a second date with a guy I met online. We had been chatting for awhile, but still this was only our 2nd date. I was nervous as all get out. Ended up going to a very nice Italian restaurant, music, wine the whole nine yards. Sometime durning the evening out of the blue, he says..."I think I'm falling in love with you". Shocked...I tried to play it down by saying..."Oh, that's just the wine talking...lol". Without hesitation, he shot back..."No, I'm in love with you Phoenix". I smiled, finished my meal, and chugged a big glass of wine myself. The rest of the evening went well. I saw him again the following Monday. He was very affectionate, but not over the top as I expected given what he said the previous night. Anyway, now today I feel he is being distant with me. He IM me with small stuff, busy at work and other pleasantries. I don't know what to make of all of this. I was just begininng to really like him because he did not allow that statement to muck up things. But now I feel he is pulling back, way back...what gives? We have no plans on seeing each other this weekend either, because he is going out of town. I'm confused:confused:
blind_otter Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I would be very, very wary of someone who said they loved me on the second date.... I'm just saying.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Are you sure it wasnt the liquor talking? Did you say anything about it the next day?
Author Phoenix11 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Are you sure it wasnt the liquor talking? Did you say anything about it the next day? On the following Monday when we got together he said it again....twice. No liquor involved.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 On the following Monday when we got together he said it again....twice. No liquor involved. How long did you guys chat online before he told you. I mean it's possible to fall for someone quickly. But I think since you are not in love with him yet, your relationship might be a little uncomfortable and I think he is starting to realize that he may have jumped the gun. Maybe give him some space and see how he acts.
allina Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I would be very, very wary of someone who said they loved me on the second date.... I agree 100%, it's a HUGE red flag for me. Of course this doesn't apply to everyone who drops the L bomb quickly but in most cases the men that do turn out to be controlling abusers. It's happened to me and I've heard of it happening a lot.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I would question him . Usually if someone is moving a little to fast for me early on in the relationship I would ask their motives. I would ask such things like , what is it that I have done on the last two dates that you love me? How do you know you love me?
StartingOver07 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I agree 100%, it's a HUGE red flag for me. Of course this doesn't apply to everyone who drops the L bomb quickly but in most cases the men that do turn out to be controlling abusers. It's happened to me and I've heard of it happening a lot. You took the words out of my mouth! Didn't you already comment about a controlling vibe from him already, Phoenix? That plus the way he tried to make his first date pushiness a case of you giving him mixed messages, all point in the direction allina has stated.
marlena Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I agree 100%, it's a HUGE red flag for me. Of course this doesn't apply to everyone who drops the L bomb quickly but in most cases the men that do turn out to be controlling abusers. .....add to that, mental/ personality disorders,hidden agendas, losers, liars, married men, con-men, cheaters, men who are broke etc..... especially when you meet them online. Proceed with caution and don't allow yourself to feel too much for him until you get to know him better. Marlena
Author Phoenix11 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 You took the words out of my mouth! Didn't you already comment about a controlling vibe from him already, Phoenix? That plus the way he tried to make his first date pushiness a case of you giving him mixed messages, all point in the direction allina has stated. Yes, but he hasn't shown the pushiness since we had our chat about "dating ground rules". I guess I am blinded by his eagerness to be with me. Durning the time we spent together he was very polite, attentive, accomondating to my wishes. It was just when we had to part on the first date that he showed a little bit of his crazy side;) I know I should not take any stock in the words he had spoken. What I don't understand is how he is able to flip a switch and be distant now. I did not expect this or see it coming. Maybe I'm just addicted to the attention. Or maybe he is playing some sick game to mess with my mind....seems it has:confused:
StartingOver07 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 (edited) Yes, but he hasn't shown the pushiness since we had our chat about "dating ground rules". I guess I am blinded by his eagerness to be with me. Durning the time we spent together he was very polite, attentive, accomondating to my wishes. It was just when we had to part on the first date that he showed a little bit of his crazy side;) I know I should not take any stock in the words he had spoken. What I don't understand is how he is able to flip a switch and be distant now. I did not expect this or see it coming. Maybe I'm just addicted to the attention. Or maybe he is playing some sick game to mess with my mind....seems it has:confused: The thing about abusive/controlling men is that they are very adept at doing exactly what you are describing. They set you up in a cycle of blame/control, distance and forgiveness/lovingness. They draw you in, then make you feel bad by blaming you for something and/or attempting to control you, "punish" you with distance and, finally, "forgive" you and restore their loving feelings. The cycle starts out long, with a lot of time between episodes and then gradually becomes shorter. I would be very, very careful. p.s. Please don't take this the wrong way, but why should he be quite so eager to be with you? I am sure you are a wonderful person, but you have to question how someone can fall in love with you (or anyone) in just 2 dates. Even with a lot of email/phone before that. It takes a long time to know someone well enough to know if you love her. And even if someone did think that he was falling in love that quickly, he wouldn't say it so soon. He'd want to wait to be sure and not risk putting you through the experience of being told and then un-told. Edited January 23, 2008 by StartingOver07
Lauriebell82 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 The thing about abusive/controlling men is that they are very adept at doing exactly what you are describing. They set you up in a cycle of blame/control, distance and forgiveness/lovingness. They draw you in, then make you feel bad by blaming you for something and/or attempting to control you, "punish" you with distance and, finally, "forgive" you and restore their loving feelings. The cycle starts out long, with a lot of time between episodes and then gradually becomes shorter. I would be very, very careful. I agree with this. I think this guy's behavior is odd. You said yourself you are addicted to the attention he gives you..well that's not a good reason to be with someone. This guy could really end up hurting you so I'd really slow down if I were you. I agree with StartingOver that you should be very careful.
burning 4 revenge Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I agree 100%, it's a HUGE red flag for me. Of course this doesn't apply to everyone who drops the L bomb quickly but in most cases the men that do turn out to be controlling abusers. It's happened to me and I've heard of it happening a lot.Well she did say they were talking online for a while, so Id have to see that qualified by how long and how often etc My guess is hes pulling back, because he feels pathetic for saying it and wants to get a little space back and not look so clingy
Lauriebell82 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Well she did say they were talking online for a while, so Id have to see that qualified by how long and how often etc My guess is hes pulling back, because he feels pathetic for saying it and wants to get a little space back and not look so clingy Yeah, this was my initial reaction. If they were talking for awhile it's possible that he could have intense feelings faster. He could turn out to be an abuser, he could not. But I would be a little weary of the situation.
Author Phoenix11 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Well she did say they were talking online for a while, so Id have to see that qualified by how long and how often etc My guess is hes pulling back, because he feels pathetic for saying it and wants to get a little space back and not look so clingy Maybe he is pulling back. I did give him an "out" the first time he said it by jokingly saying it must be the wine talking. At that point he could have recovered gracefully, but instead he looked me straight in the eyes and said it again with conviction. I'm sure the best course of action for me is to pull back also, and not be concerned with the reasoning behind him being so distant.
jerbear Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I don't know about the others. I have said something close to the "L" word even on the 1st meeting. Granted we had talked 8 hours straight and right into the wee morning! :lmao: Do I consider myself an abuser, no... It was scary for both of us and we took a step back only to get together after 24 hours. And spend 1/2 day together.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Maybe he is pulling back. I did give him an "out" the first time he said it by jokingly saying it must be the wine talking. At that point he could have recovered gracefully, but instead he looked me straight in the eyes and said it again with conviction. I'm sure the best course of action for me is to pull back also, and not be concerned with the reasoning behind him being so distant. I think that's a good plan. Just wait and see what happens, but be careful if he starts to be too pushy or eager again.
HoustonScrewed Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 It may have been the wine talking, I know that when I start drinking red wine I get loose lips and may say anyhting. I would give him the benefit of wine this time and just see how it goes. Don't mention it, just continue as normal and see what happens.
mortensorchid Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I would be warry about someone who said that so quickly. Tell him this, that you need a little time to think it over. If he gets pushy for you to respond then you should drop him like a bad habit. He sounds a little unstable.
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