jdeedee Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I had a session with my therapist today and I need to hear some advice from people regarding the reality of a second chance with her. I am posting this here rather than in second chances because I am still hesitant about making the moves. She told me point blank that if I want her back I need to see her and talk to her in person. Now this is the thing that scares me more than anything in the world, my ex not wanting to see me. So here is the advice I really want to know. I want to hear from anyone who has had their ex try and contact them after the ex broke off the relationship. How did you react? After two months had passed would you have even considered going back to him? I'm nervous even thinking of trying to get back with her but I really really want it. I miss her so bad and I know I'm regressing in the moving on phase but I just feel like I didn't try hard enough to let her know that I do want her back. The email I sent her was closed ended, it was really just an apology that said I miss you, it didn't say contact me, lets talk or anything asking for a reply. The card I sent her for her birthday was a nicety. Am I crazy, delusional? Setting myself up for more heartbreak? Has anyone actually succeeded with a second chance? How would I set up a meeting with her? Call her? Find her at school? What would the conversation at lunch/whatever need to be about? Do I just tell her I'd like to try again and apologise? Should I talk to her best friend and see if she would like to be with me? This is all so scary. Please please let me know what you guys think.
serendip Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 The email I sent her was closed ended, it was really just an apology that said I miss you, it didn't say contact me, lets talk or anything asking for a reply. The card I sent her for her birthday was a nicety. The fact she hasn't responded to any of your attempts at contact should tell you that a second chance is not possible at this present time(who knows in the future). She has to be receptive at least in order to get a second chance
Author jdeedee Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 My therapist who I have been really open and honest with, and who I showed the email/letter to, said that it is possible she is afraid to get hurt and put herself out there which is why she hasn't replied to me. See I agree with you regarding all of this, I think she has shut me out. This is why I am not texting her or calling her or anything. I didn't think there was any hope at all of ever being with her again. Others on the forums and then my therapist all said I haven't even tried, they said "You need to make an active effort, an email is a passive attempt to make contact, call her, see about meeting up." I am just so scared of rejection, that's why I haven't done those things. They are right, email is passive I am just worried that active attempts will be met with brunt and hardcore rejection.
serendip Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Others on the forums and then my therapist all said I haven't even tried, they said "You need to make an active effort, an email is a passive attempt to make contact, call her, see about meeting up." I am just so scared of rejection, that's why I haven't done those things. They are right, email is passive I am just worried that active attempts will be met with brunt and hardcore rejection. Well that's the risk you have to take dude...no risk no reward Call her up and ask to meet up with her...if she doesn't want to...then you have your answer
Author jdeedee Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 What do I say when I call her? I feel so dumb asking that but I really don't know what I could say -- I'm bad on the phone especially when I am nervous. "Hey ex how are you? Would you like to get together this weekend for lunch?" If she says she is busy do I try for another day? Also, she has never been good at dealing with thinks immediatly, which is why we usually texted etc, we were never phone people. I think calling would be the right thing to do but what if she doesn't pick up, do I leave a message? If she picks up I guess I need to ask I can't just dilly dally around the reason I called?
Freddy Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I would tell you to go ahead and call her in person. If she picks it up then you can definitely ask her is she wants to meet and talk to you. If she turns you down without a good reason, then you'll know there is no chance at all right now. Good Luck!
Author jdeedee Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Ok and one other question then because I'm trying real hard to get the balls to do this. I know from dating her, her cell doesn't get signal at work or school (another reason we mainly texted). If I call her I will likely get voicemail unless I call at night or really early in the morning. Call anyway and leave a message? This is so scary but I think I want to do it.
Freddy Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 It really doesn't matter when you do it. If she even remotely interested she will call or text you back. Your are starting to think to much and it's just going to drive you crazy. Just do and see how it goes but just be prepared she doesn't contact you back.
Author jdeedee Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 It really doesn't matter when you do it. If she even remotely interested she will call or text you back. Your are starting to think to much and it's just going to drive you crazy. Just do and see how it goes but just be prepared she doesn't contact you back. Fair enough, that is me So I really just need to ask the last two questions: What do I say when I call?What do I say if we meet up?I think I can deal with 2 a lot easier, I know what I want to say more or less. It's figuring out how to ask to meet up. Am I just honest? I'd like to meet up with you and talk? Do I need to be specific?
PinkRibbon Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Just call her and ask her out for lunch or dinner. If she says yes then she is interested if she stalls or stutters then the door is shutting. Just plainly say would you like to go to X for X. As far as when you meet I would think that is up to you about what to say. Sorry not much help there.
serendip Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 just say...would you like to meet up and talk sometime? simple and to the point
serendip Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 or just call her up and start breathing heavily and ask her 'what she's wearing?' </joking>
Author jdeedee Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Haha I'm trying to build the nerve up to do this. I need to mentally prepare myself because this is real rejection I am facing. I'd rather talk to her than a voicemail because I need that real rejection instead of a unreturned voicemail. If I get an answering machine do I just say "Hey Ex its JDD, call me back?"
Freddy Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Exactly what Serendip said, just ask if she wants to meet up, for coffee, lunch or dinner. When you meet up just play it by ear. If she wants to talk about the relationship then talk about it, if not just have a good time and leave it be, that will leave the door open to talk again on good terms. Serendip: What are you wearing? LOL
Author jdeedee Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 So the last lingering doubt: Voicemail? (THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR HONEST INPUT BTW) (I know, I know -- caps )
NiceGirlcomeslast Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Good Luck, that comes from the bottom of my heart. And as a dumpee I am saying try hard, and if she seems a little guarded try again, you probably broke her heart and you need to earn back her trust. Forget pride and be prepared to be rejected, lay your cards on the table and be honest.
Freddy Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 A lot of times people want you to leave a message because they don't know why you are calling. I would just leave a voicemail about meeting up and then the balls in her court. Many people contact their ex and never get a response back, if that happens then leave it be. She will contact you if she really wants to or when she is ready. Man don't you have homework or something to do. J/K
Author jdeedee Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Good Luck, that comes from the bottom of my heart. And as a dumpee I am saying try hard, and if she seems a little guarded try again, you probably broke her heart and you need to earn back her trust. Forget pride and be prepared to be rejected, lay your cards on the table and be honest. I am all for this and will try hard but I need to decide and I think if she doesn't reply to my voicemail (assuming we dont talk on the phone for outright rejection) i need to leave it be. This entire breakup I haven't wanted to be that guy who is remembered for chasing annoyingly after her when its over.
Author jdeedee Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 I wish I had HW, I'm at work and it's slow so I am really trying to get my head straight over this. I need to either decide I want her back and get ready to face real life rejection from an active attempt at reconciliation or I need to cut her out of my thought processes.
Freddy Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Judging for all the post's you been doing lately, you have a long way to go. 8 months here and I still want her back.
Author jdeedee Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Judging for all the post's you been doing lately, you have a long way to go. 8 months here and I still want her back. Oh I've been a wreck the past five or so days. Her birthday, school, seeing her two days in a row (how amazing what 4 seconds of my life can do). I just feel like it's time to proverbially "sh*t or get off the pot."
BrianG Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 when it comes to matters of the heart i would rather take the chance and fail then to have never tried. Think about if you really want her and take time to really think about that. If the answer turns out to be yes you will not be second guessing yourself about calling. You rejected her so you have to be prepared for the rejeection of her saying no if that turns out to be her answer.
Author jdeedee Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 I am going to call her tonight, I am not religious and anyone who knows me in real life would laugh so hard at this upcoming statement but: Please if you will, have me in your prayers regarding this. Thank you.
CalamitousJane Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 jdeedee, it could be that she's following the strict "dumpee" NC rule, which is don't take calls from the dumper unless he or she specifically mentions wanting to get back together". The rule makes sense for dumpers because that way they are sure to avoid the friend zone, or being back burnered. Therefore, hard and frightening as it may be, I would say something clear like "I've been really missing you and the way we were together. I would love to meet with you face to face and talk things over. I'm hoping you'll give me a chance to tell you in person how I feel about you and how sorry I am that I broke up with you." If there's even a glimmer of hope, that should do the trick. It would work for me! She's a lucky girl.
Author jdeedee Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Hope you're still on Jane -- I am so unsure I broke up with her. That is how twisted my head is. I never broke up with someone before and while I guess I said "then it is over" she was laying ultimatums and harshness on me right before I called it. "I can't do this with you, etc" I said if you can't then its over. Does that make me the dumper?
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