brightskies Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 (edited) If a guy is going through a hard time (outside the relationship), why would he shut his partner out? Why wouldn't he turn to his partner for support? Why not involve her vs. pull away from her? Is this a usual male coping strategy? Edited January 23, 2008 by brightskies
Star Gazer Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Is this a usual male coping strategy? I've found that for most guys it is. They need time to think, process, and fix what they're experiencing, and don't like relying on others for help and support. IN GENERAL, of course.
blind_otter Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 If a guy is going through a hard time, why would he shut his partner out? Why wouldn't he turn to his partner for support? Why not involve her vs. pull away from her? Is this a usual male coping strategy? I've dated men who pulled away - but in those cases, they were already rather emotionally unavailable due to their own issues/fear of intimacy. To be honest one guy stands out in particular, but I dated him when I myself was emotionally unavailable, so it was a pretty horrible relationship in general. My current SO is very emotionally available and open to me. It makes me much more comfortable to be with someone like this...as it is along the lines of how I am, now.
Author brightskies Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Hi SG, How do you deal with it when he does that? It's frustrating, because you want to help and also because it starts affecting the relationship and how he interacts with you. I've found that for most guys it is. They need time to think, process, and fix what they're experiencing, and don't like relying on others for help and support. IN GENERAL, of course.
Author brightskies Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Hi BO, How do you know if his distance is because the guy is emotionally unavailable or if it's because he lost interest in you? He says "it's not you, it's me," and he's going through some rough stuff. But I'm starting to wonder if that's really true. Did you just back off and let him come back to you when he was ready? Or did you completely let go and break up? Yeah, it would be great if my SO would be more open and willing to talk --- he used to be like that, but lately he has just been withdrawn. I've dated men who pulled away - but in those cases, they were already rather emotionally unavailable due to their own issues/fear of intimacy. To be honest one guy stands out in particular, but I dated him when I myself was emotionally unavailable, so it was a pretty horrible relationship in general. My current SO is very emotionally available and open to me. It makes me much more comfortable to be with someone like this...as it is along the lines of how I am, now.
blind_otter Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Hi BO, How do you know if his distance is because the guy is emotionally unavailable or if it's because he lost interest in you? He says "it's not you, it's me," and he's going through some rough stuff. But I'm starting to wonder if that's really true. Did you just back off and let him come back to you when he was ready? Or did you completely let go and break up? Well, as I recall, with the emotionally unavailable guy -- I would badger him relentlessly until he blew up at me, then we would argue, then make up passionately. Repeat cycle ad nauseum. I've never, ever been good at backing off, especially in relationships. I'm very vocal about things when I'm unhappy -- I make it known to everyone. Not necessarily the best way to handle things.
Star Gazer Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Hi SG, How do you deal with it when he does that? It's frustrating, because you want to help and also because it starts affecting the relationship and how he interacts with you. MY BF has done this twice, but only for like a day at a time. To deal, I've asked him point blank whether he just needed to go hide from the world and deal with his sh*t. He admitted he did, and so I was able to not take it personally. Over time, he's come to learn that I am here for him to listen, support, whatever he needs, and he's been much more open. If he was going to shut me out regularly, like the men BO mentions, I couldn't deal. But with BF, I saw glimmers of light between the cracks in the wall, and slowly (but surely) it's been coming down. Patience is key, but after a while you have to figure out whether they're in an impenetrable fortress or just chilling in a cave with an open exit...ya know?
Cabbage Patch Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 My SO did this just before xmas as he was really busy with work. I took it personally, I couldnt help it but then i started to understand that men act differently when they go through a stressful time. Some men might be like this but when girls are stressed out or worried they want to talk to thier friends or SO about their problems. Men however go into thier caves to deal with their problems themselves. I found that the more more i hassled and asked what was wrong, it would just get worse, so i just left him to deal with his problems. Eventually he came around and he is fine now. Just because they dont want to share their problems doesnt mean it has to do with us. Guess its easier said than done hey!!
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 There is no happy ground in a way if people show there probs then there listed as having issues or needy. If they bottle them up and deal with them selves then there not sharing there probs are distant/cold and arnt letting others help them. Honestly it seams like a no win situation to me some times.
PerfectXPretty Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 The guy i've been with for 3 years has been emotionally unavaliable. He's never there for me when someone passes away, he's never there for me when im upset / crying.. he totally ignores me and blocks me out.. its horrible, i cant stand it.. now he's on this " i need space kick" and its been like 2 1/2 weeks where we've seen eachother twice & we're not talking .. i refuse to put anymore effort into this if he isnt, i've done everything for this guy & it just doesnt seem like its enough.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I dont think this has anything to do neccessarily with just men. Me personally I dont like to burden "all" my problems on my mate.I understand that if you are with someone then they should be the first to know whats going on with you especially if it is about them. But Sometimes I just want to work out my own problems. And if my mate is persisitant about helping then it adds frustration to it.
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 The guy i've been with for 3 years has been emotionally unavaliable. He's never there for me when someone passes away, he's never there for me when im upset / crying.. he totally ignores me and blocks me out.. its horrible, i cant stand it.. now he's on this " i need space kick" and its been like 2 1/2 weeks where we've seen eachother twice & we're not talking .. i refuse to put anymore effort into this if he isnt, i've done everything for this guy & it just doesnt seem like its enough. This is a completely different situation. He's not shutting you out when HE's going through sh*t, he's totally abandoning you when YOU need support. Why the heck would ANYONE ever remain in such a relationship??
Author brightskies Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 I'm the same way, except instead of badgering I would end up crying, which is probably even worse. I'm not doing this as much aymore, but I think that's because I'm starting to emotionally shut down. I've been vocal in an effort to bridge the communication gap --- we'd talk, and things would get better for a little while, then it would go back to his withdrawal and my building frustration. Well, as I recall, with the emotionally unavailable guy -- I would badger him relentlessly until he blew up at me, then we would argue, then make up passionately. Repeat cycle ad nauseum. I've never, ever been good at backing off, especially in relationships. I'm very vocal about things when I'm unhappy -- I make it known to everyone. Not necessarily the best way to handle things.
Author brightskies Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 I'm not really sure if this is just a phase or not --- I know that he's capable of being open and warm --- but maybe too much tension and resentment has built up in the last few months? I don't know how to fix it and I'm getting to the point where I'm getting tired of putting forth what seems like 90 percent of the effort in the relationship. I'm tempted to protect myself and leave but I hate to just quit --- I care about him. MY BF has done this twice, but only for like a day at a time. To deal, I've asked him point blank whether he just needed to go hide from the world and deal with his sh*t. He admitted he did, and so I was able to not take it personally. Over time, he's come to learn that I am here for him to listen, support, whatever he needs, and he's been much more open. If he was going to shut me out regularly, like the men BO mentions, I couldn't deal. But with BF, I saw glimmers of light between the cracks in the wall, and slowly (but surely) it's been coming down. Patience is key, but after a while you have to figure out whether they're in an impenetrable fortress or just chilling in a cave with an open exit...ya know?
Author brightskies Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Definitely easier said than done. Especially when his behavior directly affects you. My SO did this just before xmas as he was really busy with work. I took it personally, I couldnt help it but then i started to understand that men act differently when they go through a stressful time. Some men might be like this but when girls are stressed out or worried they want to talk to thier friends or SO about their problems. Men however go into thier caves to deal with their problems themselves. I found that the more more i hassled and asked what was wrong, it would just get worse, so i just left him to deal with his problems. Eventually he came around and he is fine now. Just because they dont want to share their problems doesnt mean it has to do with us. Guess its easier said than done hey!!
Author brightskies Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 It's a delicate balance --- although I'd prefer it if he were more open and communicative than guarded. At least it would show that he's comfortable and trusts me. There is no happy ground in a way if people show there probs then there listed as having issues or needy. If they bottle them up and deal with them selves then there not sharing there probs are distant/cold and arnt letting others help them. Honestly it seams like a no win situation to me some times.
Author brightskies Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 I hope that you've moved on and left him --- he sounds completely inconsiderate and disrespectful, not just emotionally unavailable. Three years is a long time to short-change yourself. I'm starting to feel like maybe I should move on myself, if he and I don't come to some kind of understanding. The guy i've been with for 3 years has been emotionally unavaliable. He's never there for me when someone passes away, he's never there for me when im upset / crying.. he totally ignores me and blocks me out.. its horrible, i cant stand it.. now he's on this " i need space kick" and its been like 2 1/2 weeks where we've seen eachother twice & we're not talking .. i refuse to put anymore effort into this if he isnt, i've done everything for this guy & it just doesnt seem like its enough.
spookie Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Well, I'm not a guy, but when my life isn't going the way I'd like it to I shut everyone out either by compulsively lying about everything or retreating to my head. I do it cause I'm harsh on myself and it scares me to think that my partner will look down on me like I do. The hatred I feel for myself in these situations is enough... the possibility of someone else's judgement/ criticism/ concern is not something I want to deal with. I do this not only with my SO, but also all friends and family. I don't let ANYONE help me with my problems (except loveshack apparently). No one even has a clue about them... and I have a lot. Of course that's probably not normal or healthy. But, I think the men you speak of probably display this kind of behavior for similar reasons. Maybe just not in such an extreme fashion.
Author brightskies Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 I can understand that. Although his behavior is affecting not just himself, but also me and our relationship, so I feel like we need to work some things out together. At the same time, I'm trying to give him space. I dont think this has anything to do neccessarily with just men. Me personally I dont like to burden "all" my problems on my mate.I understand that if you are with someone then they should be the first to know whats going on with you especially if it is about them. But Sometimes I just want to work out my own problems. And if my mate is persisitant about helping then it adds frustration to it.
Author brightskies Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) That sounds really painful. Isn't it lonely having no one in whom you can truly confide? And that's also partly why his withdrawal bothers me --- I feel like he doesn't trust me to be supportive. You mention self-hatred --- he has said something to that effect --- that he's miserable about his situation, and he's miserable that he makes me feel unhappy lately. I've said it's not difficult to make me happy if he weren't so distant --- but it's kind of a catch-22. How can he be a loving SO if his own life isn't going well? I don't know if I should cut loose and let him deal on his own or if I should stick around and try to be supportive, although at this point I'm not even sure what supportive means anymore. Am I being a bad girlfriend for thinking of leaving him when he says that he wants his space? And by space, he means at least a few months of long-distance. That wouldn't be so bad if I could be sure that he would be good at staying in touch, but lately he has been so unreliable about phone/messaging/email, so, I'm not feeling very secure about the idea. Well, I'm not a guy, but when my life isn't going the way I'd like it to I shut everyone out either by compulsively lying about everything or retreating to my head. I do it cause I'm harsh on myself and it scares me to think that my partner will look down on me like I do. The hatred I feel for myself in these situations is enough... the possibility of someone else's judgement/ criticism/ concern is not something I want to deal with. I do this not only with my SO, but also all friends and family. I don't let ANYONE help me with my problems (except loveshack apparently). No one even has a clue about them... and I have a lot. Of course that's probably not normal or healthy. But, I think the men you speak of probably display this kind of behavior for similar reasons. Maybe just not in such an extreme fashion. Edited January 24, 2008 by brightskies
spookie Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 That sounds really painful. Isn't it lonely having no one in whom you can truly confide? And that's also partly why his withdrawal bothers me --- I feel like he doesn't trust me to be supportive. You mention self-hatred --- he has said something to that effect --- that he's miserable about his situation, and he's miserable that he makes me feel unhappy lately. I've said it's not difficult to make me happy if he weren't so distant --- but it's kind of a catch-22. How can he be a loving SO if his own life isn't going well? I don't know if I should cut loose and let him deal on his own or if I should stick around and try to be supportive, although at this point I'm not even sure what supportive means anymore. Am I being a bad girlfriend for thinking of leaving him when he says that he wants his space? And by space, he means at least a few months of long-distance. That wouldn't be so bad if I could be sure that he would be good at staying in touch, but lately he has been so unreliable about phone/messaging/email, so, I'm not feeling very secure about the idea. I don't blame you for wanting to leave. I mentioned how I do the same thing your bf is doing. Well, my ex did the same thing too, and it was SO FRUSTRATING when I was trying to be supportive and he wanted to be alone. Some relationships I think are about relying on one another. That's an ideal for a lot of people, and I certainly understand this train of thought. When you love someone, you want to be there for them. That's how I work when I'm in the position of offering support, but I cannot take it from anyone. I think before you leave you really need to think through what a relationship means to you and whether you can possibly have the kind where emotional support *isn't* the reason you're together. Perhaps you can be ok with being a companion, lover, and best friend to your bf instead. If you can offer humor and love without butting into his business in a worrisome fashion, perhaps it could work. I do agree that you guys might need space. Space is scary, but if you don't let fear rule you, I think it can work wonders in readjusting relationships so that both people can be happy.
PerfectXPretty Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I do agree that you guys might need space. Space is scary, but if you don't let fear rule you, I think it can work wonders in readjusting relationships so that both people can be happy. I agree, space is any relationship can be scary, I feel as in my situion i'm left on limbo, however.. in my situation this guy wants space after every like 3 months? .. space can be a good or bad thing. They say that in a relationship its 'like' a marriage just without the paperwork done, is that true? i mean ya live together and all in marriage -- but is there really much difference?
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