ouch-hurting Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 WOW...it's been over 2 mths and I am still in a great deal of pain. Married for 5 years with one child (daughter - 2yrs old). My husband left me for another woman and is supposedly staying with his parents, but I think he might really be staying with her sometimes...even though he claims no contact with her. He claims he doesn't love other owman, just says he was unhappy and started having feelings for her. I have had a hard time with sex every since birth of our child so I think this is a factor too. We tried counselor a few times and then during one of the sessions is when he admitted to this other woman. He left the next day - I think I'm still in shock. He doesn't seem to want to talk with me at all, which I really don't understand. He comes to pick up our daughter and waits out in the car. He says he might be willing to go back the counselor to try things one last time. I don't know what to do. I really want us to give it one last chance. I know he's a good person who has done something bad. Can I trust him not to see this woman? Is this a normal part of relationships? any advice on how to get him to give it another try? maybe there is nothing I can do. tia
s_n_d Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Personally, I believe in the theory "Once a cheater..ALWAYS a cheater" I personally wouldnt take back a cheater EVER. But since you have a child together maybe you should try again and go for counselling often.
smiley0010 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 It's possible that he's not seeing this other woman. I like to give people the benefit of doubt and see where it goes. I'm not an expert and am going through something similar, but he might not be talking to you because he is ashamed or feels guilty for even having feelings for her. If you love him and he's willing to try to make it work, then I'd say it can't hurt to go to counseling. However, you have to ask yourself if you can trust him. If that trust is broken you'll both have to work hard on repairing it, I should think. But you have to also show him that it's not ok to bail like that.
Author ouch-hurting Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 i don't think once a cheater always a cheater. counselor said a LOT of couples deal with affairs. i don't know if he's seeing the other woman or not. he says he's not. i can forgive him but only if he wants to work on things. i think he feels terribly guilty for the shame he has caused himself and our family. i want us to give ut one "last chance" before we throw it all away. i had absolutely no idea he was so unhappy - he had been very distracted by work and i've been busy taking care of our daughter. i just didn't realize things were that bad that he would see someone else i know that i have some sexual issus and i'm willing to work on that. i just hope that he is too. i don't know what to do besides leave him alone right now, but i wish he would talk to me. he won't tell me hardly anything at all.
LostHusband Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I believed in the phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater," but then I remembered when I was in college, I had this new girlfriend - she was pretty much a rebound from my last girlfriend who broke up with me right before I went back to college after Thanksgiving. Only a few days went by with me feeling really crappy, and then this girl calls me up out of the blue - she had been checking me out I guess and wanted to meet me. I felt instantly better! So we started dating. We only had been dating for about a month and I went on Christmas break. Then my EX girlfriend wanted to get together - I still loved her, it had only been a month so I wanted to see her even though I was dating someone else. I ended up making out with my ex-girlfriend, not very long, just some nice long kisses. I felt good about being able to kiss her again, but I felt bad about doing it while I was in another relationship. I cheated on my girlfriend! Even though I had only been with her for a month and it was just a kiss with my ex, I always felt bad about cheating. That was 18 years ago and I have NEVER cheated since, I haven't even thought about it and I will never do such a thing again. So a cheater CAN learn from their mistakes. Cheating on a marriage is much worse though, but so is the guilt.
redgirl688 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I find his behaviour to be that of a guilty person..........if he faces you it's either the truth or a lie.........if he avoids you he doesn't have to do either. I do not think "once a cheater always a cheater" - unfortunately humans are fallible - even married ones. I also do not find his staying away from you now to be a decision about what he is going to do. Sometimes when men are faced with difficult emotional decisions they withdraw - I call it "Man Trauma". He wants space give it to him. I know this seems unfair as you are the injured party, but trying to force him to communicate with you now is not the right thing to do. I think probably sooner, rather than later, he will come to you for a talk. Good luck.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 What does your heart tell you? Follow your heart...
cj1988 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 You see I am with her , I never understood how if someone loves you and feels guilty or bad about what they have done that they avoid you. If I cheated and felt bad I would try and be nice and work on it if he is willing to let me stay in his life...why run away if you are the bad guy? Why would he not feel LUCKY that she is willing to try and work on the M after he cheated? Does not make sense at all. I notice MOST men do this women do not unless they are still in the A and want out. If you are not in the A and it is over, why avoid the one you betrayed?
Author ouch-hurting Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 redgirl- -he wnats space and it is hard to give it. i wonder if he wants the space to be with the woman or to try to end it with me slowly? cj1988- i do agree. he should be lucky to have me my heart tells me to love him and try to understand i feel a lot of this is my fault . i "fell in love" with my daughter when she was born and neglected his needs. several months ago i saw that he started calling 900 numbers and i should have done something then to save my marriage. i just hope it's not too late
cj1988 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 DO NOT start blaming yourself for his flaws.......you may have some catching up to do, but that is it. The choices he makes are HIS and his alone......you are not the blame and I am sure you will be fine. Just TRY and give him his space and most of all DO NOT smother him, that will drive him away faster than you know......they hate that !
Meaplus3 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 WOW...it's been over 2 mths and I am still in a great deal of pain. Married for 5 years with one child (daughter - 2yrs old). My husband left me for another woman and is supposedly staying with his parents, but I think he might really be staying with her sometimes...even though he claims no contact with her. He claims he doesn't love other owman, just says he was unhappy and started having feelings for her. I have had a hard time with sex every since birth of our child so I think this is a factor too. We tried counselor a few times and then during one of the sessions is when he admitted to this other woman. He left the next day - I think I'm still in shock. He doesn't seem to want to talk with me at all, which I really don't understand. He comes to pick up our daughter and waits out in the car. He says he might be willing to go back the counselor to try things one last time. I don't know what to do. I really want us to give it one last chance. I know he's a good person who has done something bad. Can I trust him not to see this woman? Is this a normal part of relationships? any advice on how to get him to give it another try? maybe there is nothing I can do. tia It sound's to me like you still love him and would really like to try and fix the marriage. Perhap's a new counselor? AP:)
Recommended Posts