newswriter001 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I will keep the long story short. My husband of 9 years (and 5 years before marriage) had an affair with a childhood friend of mine for 2 years. I left him in August, and took our three children and moved from Virginia back to NY to be close to family and friends. I moved on with my life, simply counting the days until I could file for divorce (residency requirements). In the meantime, I started dating a wonderful man who really rocked my world. In December, my husband decided to completely end the affair, all contact with the woman, sell his business in virginia, and move back up here to NY to be back with the kids and I. We've decided to give it one last shot, but I am really struggling with it all. Because its like I love what we've had, but I don't feel as if I am in love with him anymore. I cannot trust him, I have no respect for him. How am I supposed to fall in love with this man after all he's done to hurt me and the kids? I am trying to reconcile for the sake of the family unit in hopes that the changes made will lead me down the road of love again, but its all uncertain. Then there is the man I was dating... there is where love is lying. Its only been 4 months, but they have been INTENSE months. I have not seen him since my husband and I decided to reconcile, and he supports whatever decision I make and has said that he will be here for me if the marriage fails. But how do I move on? How do I trust and respect my husband again? How do I redirect my love from the man I was dating to the man I am married to? My life is a soap opera, and any insight anyone can give me would really help. Books, links, anything I can read... personal experience... I am really grasping here. Thank you.
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Go to marriage counselling with your husband and for your kids sake, both of you give it your best. Atleast if your marriage fails, you'll both know you tried. Is your husband remorseful and full of regret? Is he an openbook and trying to earn your trust again? As for the other man, you need to try your best to not think about him ... Being in no contact is a good thing though, so whatever you do, don't see/talk to him. It won't help your marriage..
MakeLemonade Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 How was the marriage doing before the affair? and also, before you got word of the affair? It will be a long road to hoe should you decide to try to work it out. It is hard to "fall back in love" with someone. It is also very difficult to rebuild trust and respect. Don't do it for the kids, do it for you. If you both are involved in the kids lives and are good parents to them, they will be fine, better off even if the reconcilation process ends up being a big nasty mess of resentment. It just doesn't sound from your post like your heart is really into giving it another shot. It also sounds like your heart was really set on starting over with this man who rocks your world (and it speaks volumes of him how great and supportive he was of your decision, shows he has your happiness at heart, unlike someone....) It certainly won't work if you feel obligated to do it. Also, one little aside, it took him FOUR months to figure out he wanted to end the relationship and try again, sounds like once the sneaking around and forbidden part of his affair was gone, it fizzled. And there is always the possibility he may look for that again. It's your love, don't waste it.
torranceshipman Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 You're risking losing a really happy future with a SG who loves you and who is awesome! - if he is a lovely guy there is only so long he can hold on for you, or only so much baggage he can take from you (regardless of how patient he seems) - I say go with the new guy and see where the future takes you! Your H had his chance and he blew it - in fact he kept blowing it for 2 yrs and if he's done it once how do you know he wont do it again? And how do you know the OW didnt just leave him and now he wants you back so he has someone? He lied to you for so long - not nice!
Elilmomma Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I say just follow your heart, and do what's best for you. in the long run you don't want to be in a love-less marriage and be miserable. so mabe you should just do some soul searching and really think about what it is that YOU want.
Author newswriter001 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Go to marriage counselling with your husband and for your kids sake, both of you give it your best. Atleast if your marriage fails, you'll both know you tried. Is your husband remorseful and full of regret? Is he an openbook and trying to earn your trust again? As for the other man, you need to try your best to not think about him ... Being in no contact is a good thing though, so whatever you do, don't see/talk to him. It won't help your marriage.. We have started marriage counseling with our pastor. It will be a long road, yes, and I am going to try and give it my best so that if it does belly-up, I know I tried. for a year and a half, I asked my husband to cut the affair, he never had any remorse or any regret. I left for 4 months, and now he's full of remorse, regret, repentance, and wants the reconciliation. He is an open book, has given me access to anything I want access to. He's trying to earn trust, but how can I give it freely like I once used to? The other man - I just got over a 4 hour conversation with him and have cut the relationship off completely, so I can focus the energy I am giving him, back into my marriage. It is truly one of the hardest things I have had to do.
Author newswriter001 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 How was the marriage doing before the affair? and also, before you got word of the affair? Our marriage had its fair share of issues. I was battling an extended spell of depression, which he didn't understand, and he was struggling thinking that my behaviors were a direct blow to him. It will be a long road to hoe should you decide to try to work it out. It is hard to "fall back in love" with someone. It is also very difficult to rebuild trust and respect. Don't do it for the kids, do it for you. If you both are involved in the kids lives and are good parents to them, they will be fine, better off even if the reconcilation process ends up being a big nasty mess of resentment. It just doesn't sound from your post like your heart is really into giving it another shot. It also sounds like your heart was really set on starting over with this man who rocks your world (and it speaks volumes of him how great and supportive he was of your decision, shows he has your happiness at heart, unlike someone....) It certainly won't work if you feel obligated to do it. I don't know that it is so much a matter of feeling obligated, as it is feeling as if I need to give it this last chance. For 2 years I prayed for this chance, for him to change and see what he's lost... then as soon as I move on with my life, he makes those changes and seemingly my prayers are answered. It was something I wanted for so long, how can I just give up on it so easily? Also, one little aside, it took him FOUR months to figure out he wanted to end the relationship and try again, sounds like once the sneaking around and forbidden part of his affair was gone, it fizzled. And there is always the possibility he may look for that again. Yes interesting how that happened. And he knows good and well if there is any indication of any remote chance of it happening again, its over. I will not subject myself to it all again.
Author newswriter001 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 You're risking losing a really happy future with a SG who loves you and who is awesome! - if he is a lovely guy there is only so long he can hold on for you, or only so much baggage he can take from you (regardless of how patient he seems) - I say go with the new guy and see where the future takes you! Your H had his chance and he blew it - in fact he kept blowing it for 2 yrs and if he's done it once how do you know he wont do it again? And how do you know the OW didnt just leave him and now he wants you back so he has someone? He lied to you for so long - not nice! I know he left the other woman. The other woman's mother and my mother were best friends until her mother died. The OW contacted my mom last month and said that my husband ended the relationship and that as much as it hurt her, she wishes us the best. I don't know if he will ever do it again. And if he does, he knows he's gone. I don't know that he'd be that stupid to jeopardize his family again.
Wibble Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 The first thing to say is that the "intense" feelings you had during your relationship with this other guy were JUST like the feelings your husband got from his affair. Feels nice to be wanted and appreciated by a stranger, doesn't it? It's lovely to be fancied by someone who you do not feel is "contractually obliged" to say nice things about you. The second thing to say is DO NOT FOLLOW YOUR HEART. It may sound very spiteful, but that organ will deceive you like a Bangkok street whore. The feelings you are having are a direct result of the turmoil in your life, they are NOT a guide to a happy and positive future. Your husband screwed up, sure, but you have given him a taste of what he has done to you (and had a taste of why he did it). Now is the time to stop the tit-for-tat and start re-building the kind of family your kids deserve. The sort of love needed for a long term relationship is entirely different from that in an affair. You need to rebuild trust, re-establish communication and get back to a level of honesty that seems long gone. All this takes time, and lots of it. Speaking personally it is 2 years since my wife's affair, and feel that only now am I beginning to emerge from the fog of anger and grief. But I can honestly say that I love. I never thought I would ever be able to say that ever again. So, for the sake of your kids, and all the other innocent parties in this drama, give it a try. Don't do anything rash, take your time, and get yourself informed. A good starting point is a book called "Surviving an Affair" by a couple of marriage guidance types. Take things slowly and see how it goes. Don't be afraid to be angry, and make sure your feelings of hurt are well aired, but remember we are all human. And remember the taste of honey you enjoyed - perhaps your husband is as human as you....
Author newswriter001 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 The feelings you are having are a direct result of the turmoil in your life, they are NOT a guide to a happy and positive future. Your husband screwed up, sure, but you have given him a taste of what he has done to you (and had a taste of why he did it). Now is the time to stop the tit-for-tat and start re-building the kind of family your kids deserve. I wasn't doing tit for tat. I was moving on with my life with the impression that there was no hope for the relationship. I gave him 18 months, then an addition 3 months after I moved out before I moved on. I do agree that I need to rebuild the family that the kids deserve, and hope that in the end of it all we are all happy. So, for the sake of your kids, and all the other innocent parties in this drama, give it a try. Don't do anything rash, take your time, and get yourself informed. Yes..I am giving it that chance. I just struggle with how to trust again. I am sure it will come in time. A good starting point is a book called "Surviving an Affair" by a couple of marriage guidance types. Take things slowly and see how it goes. Don't be afraid to be angry, and make sure your feelings of hurt are well aired, but remember we are all human. Already ordered the book. I am waiting for it to be delivered. THanks And remember the taste of honey you enjoyed - perhaps your husband is as human as you.... ........................
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Newwriter, the old addage is true. They always want you when you finally moved on. You was going in that direction and now he came back. The difference is that I would not have taken the chetaer back reguardless of the choice to come back they made. You gave him a clear shot and he was caught up in the hype of the affair. He did not once think about his children and you while you was gone. He just didnt care. I commend you for wanting to commit to your marriage. Now another thing I hate is that listen to your heart bull****! cheaters and stupid people listen completely to their feelings without seeing the red flags around them!!!! I agree that you will not have clarity on the situation with the OM in the picture. Now it's good that he's out believe it or not, now you can focus on making things happen. The thing is now if your husband is true about what he's about, now! ask him to sign a post nup!!! Yes I said it!!! If he's serious about changing and not cheating he should have no problem about it!!! He should have no problem signing it! Look up new york divorce law, it's on the books buried deeply in there, but your going to need a good lawyer.
Author newswriter001 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Isn't that the truth, CB? You hear it time and again that just when the spouse moves on, they come back. In my case, he didn't even know I was dating and getting serious about another man. I was never going to take him back, but the day I was in the parking lot of the attorney's office and I couldn't get out of my car to bring the retainer fee in, told me that maybe I needed to hold off and step back and give the marriage one more solid look. You are right. He didn't think of his children or his family during the affair. He shut God and everyone around himself out of his life. At the very end before I left him, I gave him the choice of the OW or me and our 3 daughters. He said "I don't know". My choice was made right there and we left. I also wholeheartedly agree that when it comes to matters like these, you cannot just follow your heart and nothing else. In the case where children are not involved, then... maybe. But I have an entire family to consider. If I was listening to my heart, I would stay with the OM and continue to move on with my life. But is that fair to my children, who adore their father? I know it can't be done just for the kids, but it is a good start when there isn't much else to build from. As far as post-nuptial agreements go, I don't think we need one. At this point in our lives, we have spent our entire marriage getting him through school and opening a business, which is now being sold off. We don't own a house, we lease our cars, there are no retirement funds, no life insurances. We have debts that will be paid off during the time of reconciliation, so that in the even things don't work out, I will walk away with no debt at all. I am putting all my ducks in a row now by going back to school to supplement my degree, so that if I leave I can stand on my own two feet and not have to rely on anyone but myself. Momma didn't raise no fool. I am preparing for a long rough road ahead. Newwriter, the old addage is true. They always want you when you finally moved on. You was going in that direction and now he came back. The difference is that I would not have taken the chetaer back reguardless of the choice to come back they made. You gave him a clear shot and he was caught up in the hype of the affair. He did not once think about his children and you while you was gone. He just didnt care. I commend you for wanting to commit to your marriage. Now another thing I hate is that listen to your heart bull****! cheaters and stupid people listen completely to their feelings without seeing the red flags around them!!!! I agree that you will not have clarity on the situation with the OM in the picture. Now it's good that he's out believe it or not, now you can focus on making things happen. The thing is now if your husband is true about what he's about, now! ask him to sign a post nup!!! Yes I said it!!! If he's serious about changing and not cheating he should have no problem about it!!! He should have no problem signing it! Look up new york divorce law, it's on the books buried deeply in there, but your going to need a good lawyer.
cj1988 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Newswriter, you are my hero and I hope and pray you make it. I know that it has to be hard knowing you are somewhat second choice, been there and done that......BUT, think of it this way, you are in control now and YOU are first choice to yourself now, who cares what he thinks. You stand your ground and be happy no matter what. Mother's / females are the stronger of the sexes (sorry guys, proven fact) we handle stress better, pain etc......but when matters of the heart we are all the same. If he does fell bad and MEANS it, then see how you feel and try not to resent him or that will eat you up and it will never work. Good Luck Sweetie!
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Your right momma didnt raise no fool, lol but dont forget about that post-nup either. Sounds like you guys have alot of financial investments or money just laying around you dont want him running off with the OW when times get hard again. Me myself I have little to no faith in any woman who cheats. Compulsively. For anyone to place someone else above their family when they need them the most??!! I'm not gonna forgive or forget. And I dont wanna hear all that Fog crap and got caught up in the excitement. They left, they stay gone. Period. But that's just me.
Author newswriter001 Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 In a way I do still feel like second choice, but the changes he has made now has led me to believe that perhaps I am not anymore. Only time will tell on that one. I am trying hard not to resent him and I am really trying to work past all the pain and deception so that it doesn't eat me alive, but its so hard... and just seems so easy to just start fresh with the OM instead. But I digress... I will move forward and give this chance. Newswriter, you are my hero and I hope and pray you make it. I know that it has to be hard knowing you are somewhat second choice, been there and done that......BUT, think of it this way, you are in control now and YOU are first choice to yourself now, who cares what he thinks. You stand your ground and be happy no matter what. Mother's / females are the stronger of the sexes (sorry guys, proven fact) we handle stress better, pain etc......but when matters of the heart we are all the same. If he does fell bad and MEANS it, then see how you feel and try not to resent him or that will eat you up and it will never work. Good Luck Sweetie!
Author newswriter001 Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 Your right momma didnt raise no fool, lol but dont forget about that post-nup either. No real need for it. Like I said, we don't have any assets or anything, so I am not real concerned about that.
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