nana79 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I just recently got engaged to a wonderful man. We are very much in love and have a great communication... We have known eachother for 4 months now. He lives in San Francisco and I live in Miami. I am a 28 year old woman and he is 30. He asked me to move in with him to start a basis... Here is the issue, I still live at home with my parents who by the way are very old fashioned and won't even let me visit him or even close to moving in with him until I am married. I think I am old enough to make this decision and if I wasn't sure of him I would of not made the decision to move in with him. He supports any of my decisions but I don't want to leave in bad terms with my parents. Is this childish??? What is the best way to handle this situation????
Geishawhelk Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I would hazard a guess that English is not your first language...I may be completely off bat here, but (I don't know why) I get the impression there is some Hispanic element here? The only reason I am saying this is because it is far more usual to have a close family influence in Latin quarters than in caucasian or American people. That is to say, people of a Latin or European origin, are far more influenced by their parents - as a general rule - much later into their lives. I would under usual circumstances tell you you're crazy to be still listening to your parents at the age of 28 - let alone living with them - !! But the fact that you are, means that their influence is deep and so is your respect for their opinion. That said, you have to face the fact (and so do they) that (one) you have come of age, a long time ago, and under any circumstances, their legitimate control over what you do is non-existent. (two) you live in America, 'Home of the Brave and land of the Free'.... Whilst i appreciate that they may hail from a diffeent culture with different customs, this aspec of their influence is also out of place. Face it. You can't please all of the people all of the time. You have to decide for yourself how far you are willing to go to put aside your own desires of happiness, just in order to keep your parents happy. Is it fair?
Author nana79 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Hey there, thank you for your response... and yes I do come from a hispanic family.. my parents are very stuck to their traditions... therefore it has been a clash for many years, we have been living in the US for 23 years now... this has been an issue for me ever since we told them we were getting married late this year and I was going to move in with him to start settling my new life in San Francisco... that wasn't quite nice let me tell you!!! My father insisted we get married first and if that wasn't the case then to let me free... they tell me i don't even know this man and we need to get to know eachother more.. ofcourse i understand that that's why i am going to visit him acouple of times before i move in... that's is not accepted... his words were "i am not going to accept that, my daughter going to visit a man and you will eventually have to sleep with him, how am I going to place you in the altar the day of the wedding if my daughter is not a virgin!" there you goo... it's insane
Geishawhelk Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 No, I wouldn't call it insane, as such.... I think an awful lot of heartache might be avoided if parents were able to influence their children more closely. From your father's point of view, he is trying to protect his daughter from being harmed, as he sees it. And whilst obviously your age would suggest that you are now old enough (morally, legally and ethically) to make your own decisions, Four months is not a very long time to have known him, considering the length you would like your marriage to be... I know it's harsh. My parents (being a good catholic Italian girl) were extremely protective. And although at the time I was absolutely kicking and screaming against their dominant control - I am now so grateful that they were as strong as they were. But your age is the issue here. And unfotunately, you have some really difficult decisions to make. Is there any way at all, for example, that you could talk to your mother, and try to let her see how you feel? Could she then try to soften your dad on your behalf....? I don't really know what to suggest, other than this..... But be kind to yourself too. Try not to allow yourself to be too influenced by either side. Step back and try to see 'the bigger picture'.... When we leave our decisions to just our hearts, the decisions are invariably wrong.....
Author nana79 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 I don't have support from either side..my mother is totally dependent of me... she feels that if i leave she will be left abandoned. my mother still does not agree with me leaving to SF. She suggests we get to know eachother more, i understand but that only means we would have to travel... he on the other hand (my fiance) has traveled to Miami to visit me and I haven't seen his home. So I believe this is the right thing to do.. i need to visit the city (i have been there before on vacation) visit his house, where he lives meet his friends there..etc... to only make my decision if this is really what i want...
Geishawhelk Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Then I hate to say it - and far be it from me to drive a wedge in between family - but you will have to start thinking of cutting your ties. You ARE 28, now. I bet your mother was married before then. There is a certain amount of emotional blackmail involved. If your mother raised you, and I would think, your brothers and/or sisters - then I would think she can manage to survive when you leave....Mamas are made of strong stuff! I could understand their attitude if you were in your teens - even 18... but for goodness' sake... I really do understand your dilemma. But in the end, it's doing what you hope will bring you happiness, not give them pleasure....
Author nana79 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Thanks again!! but now that i have read your comments and i have been able to express myself, i do want to mention some things that have also been bothering me. this all boils doing to dependency on my mother's behalf... also psychologicaly speaking she tends to insult and abuse me emotionally... first she bursts into my room and begins to scream with hatred and sarcastic comments about how ugly is my fiance, how he needs something stuck up his ass to give him some spark, she says we don't have any chemistry.. and so forth (which by the way we do) like i mentioned it to her when we go out sparks fly everyone see's how we are much into one another and how handsome he is... then she says that people are blind... i asked her to respect me and him and i love him and full fills me in many other ways... she didn't understand... i couldn't take the abuse anymore so i walked out of my house... this has been going on for many years for as long as i can remember... i have 2 younger brothers close in age which she treats disrespectfully, one time on a family vacation she went out on this rage and one of my brothers girlfriend was there and she tolde her that she had a piece of **** in front of her (she meant my brother) so there you go... maybe that will explain more in detail how this situation is very hard...
Geishawhelk Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 well, this is classic, isn't it? Possessiveness, Jealousy, Control... Nobody is good enough for her brood, but she views boy/girl friends as threats to her being able to manipulate and control you. It's possible she may have had an extemely controlling mother/father, and she is following a pattern. But even so, it's obvious that her tactics are designed to break you two up. Which is a problem, because while you are just as equally determined to stay with your boyfriend, your mother's attitude may be obscuring any possible challenges between you and your boyfriend... What I am trying to say is that you are so determined (and quite rightly) to have your own life, with your own love, that your mother's violent objections are making you extremely loyal to your boyufirend, which is quite right. but whilst this issue is going on, you and your BF do not have the time to 'function normally'... you are under pressure, so your relationship is not having a chance to develop in an every-day sense...it's a fight that unites you both, but it prevents you both from getting to know each other in a relaxed way.. Do you understand what i mean? I bet when you and your BF are together, all you talk about is your mother.... so even when she is not with you, she dominates your time and energy... Am I right? You need to stop talking and start taking action. Don't discuss it with them any more. They have no legal hold over you. You are an adult woman. I don't know what you do for a job, but every job has some responsibilities... if you can function in a job, you can take charge of your own life... Keep silent, and then one day, just surprise them with, "OK, I am going now. Bye!!" There are other strategies you can adopt. but in any and every one, you need to evaluate yourself at the top of your priorities.
Author nana79 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 thank you sooooo much for those strong words... i really needed that... you are absolutely right, everytime we talk is about my issues with my parents and rarelly talk about our wants, dreams, desires, etc. having said this from now on i will take charge in my own choices and wants... my mother was brought up by a very controlling father... he spoke very negative and insecure... which i understand why she is that way but doesn't even know it... unsconsciously... so yes you are absolutely right
Geishawhelk Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Nana, you know it takes strength and determination to move outside of a familiar circle... you have lived with this a long time, so you will have to find courage from somewhere. But please remember a couple of things, if I may be so bold as to presume such advice; ONE: Try to keep your pulse rate down. Stay calm, and try to keep on an emotional even keel... If they manage to make you angry and argumentative, you will weaken. It's important to be consistent, patient and to persevere. But always with a calm attitude and a low pulse-rate!! Remember... breathe deeply and slowly. In times of stress and anxiety, our bodies need all the oxygen they can get! TWO: Try to be compassionate about your parents. However 'wrong, misguided, strict, controlling, manipulative' we may see them as being, from their point of view, they believe they are protecting you and acting in your best interests. Think of the very happy times, and the occasions when you hugged kissed and laughed.... they are still the 'same' people. It's just that they feel in a 'bad place' right now, and they don't know how to handle it....It is easy for our Anger and Resentment to build barriers between us and those we love, so try to keep a loving image in mind - even when you feel you could cheerfully strangle them! THREE: This too, shall pass. Hopefully, there will come a time when your parents and you will find an equilibrium. Family ties are strong. If they can see that your B/F truly loves you, has your best interests at heart, and makes you happy, in time they may accept this. It won't be easy. It may take a long time. You know, things will never be the same way again... you can't turn the clock back and go to the way things were before. But I really hope you find a solution, and that things may be resolved for you. Vaya con Dios, Niña.
Phateless Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 With all due respect, I think you should do what you want to do. 28 years old and still living at home is not good. Get a job, move out, do what you think is best. Eventually, they will adjust.
norajane Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Engaged after 4 months? While you love over 3000 miles apart? How do you even know each other, much less are ready to make a lifetime commitment to a marraige? In any case, you don't need to move in with him to get to know him better. You barely know each other and you already want to start playing house - that can seriously cause you to break up because it's too much too soon. You have other options. You can move to his city, get a job, and get your OWN apartment. It's better to stand on your own two feet and be independent rather than moving from one dependency (your parents' house) to another dependency (his house, his city, his life...and his money, too?). You won't end up much different than your mother - you will be 100% dependent on him in his city and his apartment without your family, any friends of your own, or anything else. Or he can move to your city, and get his OWN apartment.
Author nana79 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 hey there... i understand my parents are freaking out and under their "rules" but it's time for me to move on... its funny because the only reason why i would move in with him is to get out of my house... and be in the same city, i dont have a problem moving to san francisco, i had always wanted to move their ever since i went on vacation... fell in love with the city but when i told my parents i wanted to study abroad they flipped out and basically told me it was an insane idea... (before meeting my bf), anyways i had spoken to my bf about me moving into an apartment of my own... i still want to have my independence and not dependent of him... ( good point) i don't wnt to be like my mother who is a dependent woman... that is an option i am willing to take, visit the city and take a look at some apartments... he agrees with me and supports every decision i make... and about the comment Engaged after 4 months? While you love over 3000 miles apart? How do you even know each other, much less are ready to make a lifetime commitment to a marraige? i know its insane but we were together for 2 months in miami... it was something that happened and we knew exactly we were right for eachother... traveled together these 4 months... visited the family (both sides) but now early january we got engaged and decided to move to san francisco and be in the same city with a healthy relationship... (parents got offended by the way) he is working on his psy d. in clinical psychology and it is difficult for him to move to miami... i do have a temporary job at an office which to say i don't have a career settled at the moment, so why not take this opportunity to move out, take action... do what is best for me which is my independence (something i have been longing for many years)...
sb129 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I still think NoraJane has made some valid points. While financially moving in together might make sense, you are about to undertake some major changes, and as someone who has moved thousands of miles away from their family, its tough. I know you will be in the same country as your family, but Miami and SF are on opposite sides of a continent, and its not going to be easy. Did your fiance meet your family when he was in Miami? If he wants youto move out there that badly, maybe he could come back, and meet your parents first, to try and show them that his intentions towards you are honourable. It may not have the desired effect, but at least then you will both know that you have tried to appease your parents feelings in a mature way. I agree with NJ- if you are prepared to move, do so with a little independence in mind first. I lived with an exBF in his little hometown, in a country a long way from my family, I knew nobody, and I would just sit at home, waiting for him to get home, I was very dependent on him for a social life too, which was unhealthy. If you ARE going to spend the rest of your lives together, whats the hurry to get married so fast? Why not wait and see if you are compatible living in the same city, then living together, then make those moves. If you are as meant for eachother as you say you are, what difference will it make?
Author nana79 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 hi sb... thanks!! that is exactly what we have been wanting to do, we wanted to move together in the same city which is healthy..2. my parents did meet him while he was in miami, and we visited our home town acouple of months ago i visited his family and he came to see mine... we knew we wanted to be together... 3. i still havent seen where he lives... his friends, his social life, home life... etc... i told my parents i was going away for acouple of days next month to visit him and they got so upset, they think it's too soon... my father still thinks i am a virgin (at 28:confused:) and doesn't agree with me going to visit him, that only means i would have to sleep with him... anyways, we are not in a hurry, we just want this relationship to work in the most mature way possible... in the same city i mean... specially in the circumstances iam in... 28 still living at home etc... i agree with you both... and it is something i have been considering for a while... we dont want to make the mistake in getting married to "run away from home" and then have a terrible ending with my husband... this is not easy for me.. i cant come to an agreement or come to terms with my parents, they dont believe in me going away to get an aducation non the less are they going to approve of me moving to SF... my brother at 23 bought his own place my parents didnt approve of it, they thought it was the worst investment he could of made AND when he moved out to HIS OWN HOME they wouldnt talk to him for 2 months!!! so trust me its been tough for me i don't want to loose the person who i am with.. till this day he has been amazing... and there for me supporting me with family issues, decisions and i know he has the best intentions for me... respects me and only wants me to be happy.. what ever decision i make...
spookie Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I think you're being naive about all this. You can stay where you are, keep living at home, to appease your parents, but that's not a healthy option for you; by 28 it's time to figure out who YOU are, whether you can rely on yourself and what you want out of life. What do you want out of life? What do you hope to achieve? You can move in with your fiance, but SF is thousands of miles away from Miami, from everything you know... and it's different. All you'll have is your fiance, who at this point is still nearly a stranger. What kinds of changes are you hoping to make with this move? How do you see your life with him? Where will you work? How will you make friends? You say you want to move to SF into your own place... but your naivete shines through even as you make such a reasonable-sounding statement. Do you have any idea how expensive SF is? A crappy studio apartment (oftentimes in someone's garage, with cielings so low if you're tall you can hit your head) in a s!htty neighborhood can cost more than $600-$900 per month. By the sounds of it, you have never lived alone, never had to pay rent and take care of your bills... how are you going to do this? Again, where will you work? Do you have money in savings that can go toward financing the expenses associated with a move across the country to a VERY expensive city? IMO unless you want to be dependent on someone for the rest of your life, it's ridiculous to marry before you've reached independence: financially, emotionally, mentally. Are you there yet? Perhaps you have thought all this through, you know exactly what you're doing and all my cautions are in vain. I really hope so.
Phateless Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Spookie is right. SF is one of the most expensive cities in the nation. Maybe start perusing craigslist for apartments for rent before you move, so you at least know what you're getting yourself into. Call and ask them what the square footage is.
sb129 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Spookie has brought up some more fantastic points nana. You need to go into this with your eyes wide open. Your parents have sheltered you from alot of the mundane but very real facts of life, such as rent, bills, budgeting etc. Start doing some research before you even think about moving to SF. If you move, and it doesn't work out, if you haven't thought things through or planned practically, you will be straight back to Miami with your tail between your legs. 28 is old to be standing on your own two feet- but its never too late to start. Good luck.
spookie Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Spookie is right. SF is one of the most expensive cities in the nation. Maybe start perusing craigslist for apartments for rent before you move, so you at least know what you're getting yourself into. Call and ask them what the square footage is. Not to mention that in a metropolitan area such as this one, not only is rent expensive, but you are usually competing with dozens of other hopefuls for it, many of whom will have better credit, be much more savvy, and willing to dish out not only the required deposit, but first and last months' rent as well, if not also a bribe. Just another thing to keep in mind.
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