mark1210 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Ok, so I've been dating this girl for almost 3 months. We've taken things pretty slow, it was never discussed but it was kind of an unwritten rule that we wouldn't rush into things. There was no intimacy of any kind other than kissing. Last week she had way too much to drink and upon going back to her place she started talking about how badly she wanted to have sex and was removing her clothes etc. I told her she was drunk, and I could never take advantage of that situation, and it would mess things up between us. She got mad and I left peacefully. Fast forward to yesterday when I get this lovely gem in my e-mail: Hey- I know you're not really a phone person, so... This doesn't have anything to do with you as a person, cause you're great, but I don't think we should see each other anymore. I just know from my point of view that it's not going to turn into anything, and I don't want to waste your time. I respond back with the following: Thank you for being honest. I'm always trying to improve myself, if you don't mind me asking what was it that made you realize this? I can handle it =) Regardless, I think you're great and I'm sure you will find what you're looking for. Her response: It's not anything you did or said, I just know my type and the kind of guy that I would get into a relationship with. And if I can't picture that with a guy then I don't want to waste his time. So here I am trying to figure out what went wrong, is she bitter or embarassed about her getting drunk? Is she mad I didn't give in to her? Just odd that almost 3 months into this all of a sudden I don't meet what she is looking for and that it's "nothing I did or said". Either I've been led on for 3 months or some else is now in the picture. Thats my vote...I'd love to hear yours.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 You are not her type. Women, if they find a quality in a man that they like, will wait for something to happen. Maybe a modification in your behavior pattern or something that would make her want you. It seems that she likes you, but you are not her type. Maybe too passive or not as aggressive. 3 months without sex is a long time amongst adults. She may have been revving longer than you have and needs a deeper relationship that may include sex. I don't think the drunk part was all of the problem, but maybe gave her clarity into what she wants. Maybe she wants a sexual relationship and you want an emotional one. You are not on the same page as the other. Bad timing. Either way, it's better off that you know and can move on before it got even deeper.
Author mark1210 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Thanks that makes sense, I wish she would have came out and said that. It woudln't have changed anything between her and I but it would have been nice to know regardless. Typically, I wouldn't wait 3 months either but she mentioned on several occasions on how she hates guys always trying to get into her pants quickly. I guess I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. Chalk it up to a learning experience I suppose =)
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 No. Women say things like that to test men. They want to know if that's what you want and maybe they want it to or just to get a feel for the guys feelings. But, women will wait a long time to see if a good man can modify a behavior that they do not like. Men don't get that in women. I sometimes don't understand it. But, basically, women are compassionate and patient. But at some point, we throw our hands up and say "I'm done." She was early or late on this - depends on how you look at it. You are attractive and will meet another individual that will be better for you. You'll see. I have faith in you and you have faith in you..... you'll do just fine. Dust your knees off and go for it!
marlena Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Mark, I have to agree with Blue. Amongst adults, three months into a relationship without having sex is frustrating to say the least. She may have wanted you to be more agressive. After all, wanting to feel desired is very important part in any relationship. As is intimacy. This is why she probably said that you weren't her type. Perhaps she allowed herself to get a bit typsy in the hopes that the both of you would let go of any inhibitions that could have been holding you back. In my opinion, she just might have felt the sting of rejection. Especially after she tried to seduce you and you were unresponsive. Perhaps it's not too late to make ammends?
spookie Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Did you get into her pants at all? I mean, sex is a fluid thing that starts with cuddling/kissing, and, IMO, not progressing to any kind of sexual intimacy in three months would be VERY frustrating. I don't think all is lost with her, though. Her emails sounded testy to me, like she wanted to get a response out of you. I think she's probably pissed that she came on to you, after so long, and you rejected her; and she's dealing with it in an immature way. If you still like this girl, I think you should cut the crap and open up about what happened. Tell her you like her a lot, find her very attractive, but wanted to be respectful; to get to know her and fall in love with her first. Try to do this in person (drive to her house if you have to). End the speech with a passionate kiss, your hands on her back, in her hair, leading her to the bed.
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 So here I am trying to figure out what went wrong, I may get shot for saying this but I think what went wrong is that you should've had sex with her.. Drunk or not she wanted it and you rejected her.. This error ( IMO ) is on you.. She gave it to you on a platter and you turned your head so she nows feels rejected and that she has wasted her time on you.. Drunk.. yeah.. it might have been taking advantage of her if it was like your 3rd date.. but 3 months.. no.. She knew what she was doing...
marlena Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Mark, It seems there is a general concensus here. So, do as Spookie suggested. I, too, think she was being rather testy in her e-mails. Not all is lost, perhaps. Give it another try. Maybe it's you who should get a little tipsy this time?
Author mark1210 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Thanks all - I think it's best I learn from this and just let this person go. I've come to learn that with dating you don't know who will be around and for how long. Her and I weren't in a relationship, we were both dating and seeing other people. She's made it clear that she doesn't see it going anywhere and I respect that. Part of my problem is probably being flung back into the dating world from a 2 year hiatus. I've been single for over 2 years and haven't bothered dating in sometime. I've been far too busy working to pay off credit card debts with a part-time job, and getting myself into shape for the summer. I've gone on dates with about 5 or 6 people since October 07 when I started dating again. What sucks is that my friends are now married, and it greatly hinders my ability to go out. I refuse to go out alone to a bar or club, I think it looks poor, and appearance is half the battle right?
marlena Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Mark, It doesn't sound like you are ready for any kind of serious relationship. Realize, however, that if you do continue to see a woman over a period of time, let's say a month or two, she will more than likely expect some kind of intimacy and commitment on your part. She will want to take things a step further the longer you remain involved with her. If this isn't what you want,then, make sure you make this clear from the start or do not date any particular girl for too long especially if she begins to have feelings for you and you do not reciprocate the feeling. Personally, I don't think going out to a bar looks poor at all! On the contrary, I think it shows confidence!
dropdeadlegs Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Frankly, I'm used to men trying to get into my pants on date 1. I respect that you listened to her concerns and kept yourself at bay. However, during the 3 month period did you show any desire for something more intimate (ie: physical)? If not, she probably did feel rejected, maybe even unattractive to you. There's a fine line between coming on too strong (Mr.can'tkeephishandstohimself) and appearing aloof. I suspect she sensed you were not all that interested. But it seems that you're okay with that, so maybe you really weren't all that interested. If you are looking for a higher plane than most on the dating field, try to make that known fairly early on. There are many who feel the same way, but they aren't necessarily used to it based on past experiences.
Star Gazer Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I gotta agree with everyone else here, Mark. She wanted to feel desired, she wanted passion from you - you didn't demonstrate that towards her. At worst, she felt rejected, and unattractive to you. At best, she thought you weren't a passionate person, perhaps even disinterested in sex. THAT is why she thinks you're not her type, no other reason (she wouldn't continue to date you for 3 months if you weren't otherwise her "type"). Are you not attracted to her? Do you not desire her? Are you a passionate dude? If you do and you are, then you ARE her type, so why not try again? The guy I dated before BF was a lot like you. Great guy, meant well, but he seemed apathetic when it came to the physical aspect of our relationship. That really turned me off. I'd really suggest you try again and explain your reasoning. But if you don't go that route, make sure you make it clear to the next girl just how badly you want her (even if you're gentlemanly-waiting!).
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