MakeLemonade Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) No worries makelemonade. I accidently wrote your name instead of spanks. Sorry about that! I am glad to hear your reply none the less Spanks the monkey are you calling out for help? sorry again... Ah, that makes MUCH more sense! Edited January 24, 2008 by MakeLemonade
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 I didn't mean to offend any one sorry Lemonade but it just gets frustrating when it seams every one says the same type of thing. Smile and life will get better or some other cliché cause it just doesn't work like that in the end again sorry about that. I guess we all have our probs mine are getting to be more then I can bear lately honestly but I wont bleat about them it dose no good any ways.
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 i agree with you lemonade. If people are opening up about making things better for themselves and putting a positive light on something then let it be. I dont agree with basically taking the whole value out of it by suggesting that lemonade doesnt know what shes talking about even though she 'means well'. Sure make it a point if like that a lot of people cant get that look on their life but don't suggest lemonade hasnt had any real struggle or patronzise her. I'm sure you didnt mean to do this on purpose, you dont seem like your wanting to under peoples skin at all, but you do seem like you want people to see whats under yours. . Everybody has their story to tell and opinion and they ALL have a place. Spanksthemonkey you seem to really be stuck on getting your thoughts together about suicide. What really was your point by your thread? because you seem to want to argue the fact that if you look hard enough you can find help. if it was just something to reflect on then why argue any views. sounds like you are right in the middle of a pay off by being the victim. are you? make lemonade are you calling out for help with quite relishing it?? Jmina I am getting my thoughts in order but I'm not enjoying my situation. Maybe starting this thread was a bad idea I'm sorry. I don't quite follow what you mean far as relishing it?
Green Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 every once in a while some one starts a thread about how they are going to kill themselves.
sedgwick Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I tried it. A decade ago I got so sick of living with anorexia that I overdosed and ended up in the hospital having seizures. I don't remember an entire week of my life. I'm still not quite sure who found me. When I came to, my parents and cousin (who is like my sister) were sitting at the foot of my bed crying, having spent a ridiculous amount of money to fly halfway across the country when they heard the news. They were so happy just to see me wake up. Of course, that didn't stop my mom from telling me that very day, for the five hundred millionth time, that she hated my hair and I wouldn't be anorexic anymore if I'd just pray to Jesus, but that aside, I'll never try it again. If nothing else, you really, REALLY don't want a tube down your nose. Trust me on this.
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 every once in a while some one starts a thread about how they are going to kill themselves. That wasn't my intention I just wanted to know what others think about it I won't mention my probs again believe me I snapped at lemonade I shouldn't have I should have kept my thoughts to myself.
Green Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 That wasn't my intention I just wanted to know what others think about it I won't mention my probs again believe me I snapped at lemonade I shouldn't have I should have kept my thoughts to myself. I already know your problems Im psychic, you need to focus your thoughts on better things and stop all this negativity
Ocean-Blue Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Just a random thought I'm not sure were I stand on it other then its a sad act of course. I mean I guess some people feel so lost and hopeless/hurt in life some times that they almost see no other way. I've seen people say its a cowards way out but I would think it would take allot of nerve to actually go thu with it. Just wondering what others think in general on the subject I hope I haven't offended any one. Hope I posted this in the right section wasen't sure were to put it. It's horrifying and sad. Especially for the family that has to deal with the aftermath.
Jmina Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 spankthemonkey your really feeling sorry for yourself here. you sound like you need some help, either from yourself, others around or some professional help. if you think that keeping to yourself is going to help things then you really do need a different perspective. it sounds like youre flirting with suicide. are you? you didnt answer my question if you were calling out for help. don't worry that you affended lemonade now, she affended you, you both got annoyed and it jsut shows two different perspectives on the whole issue it doesnt meant that one or both of you have done something wrong! come on, open up to us. where are here to help you, if not at least it will get things off your chest.
lovelorcet Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I already know your problems Im psychic, you need to focus your thoughts on better things and stop all this negativity The HMA has spoken. Life has its ups and downs, just because you are down now does not mean that there won't be better days to come. It is ok to feel sad today but realize that there will also be a time when you won't feel sad.
lino Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 That wasn't my intention I just wanted to know what others think about it I won't mention my probs again believe me I snapped at lemonade I shouldn't have I should have kept my thoughts to myself. I think that if you wish to talk about your problems then you should, that's what this website is for as far as I know
marlena Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) Smile and life will get better or some other cliché No, Spanks, this is not a cliche (where's that accent grave or whatever?) It is most definitely true. Life does get better and then it gets worse and then it gets better again and then it gets worse and on and on it goes. NOTHING stays the same forever. We all live our lives coping the best we can. Hokey, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your children. I can not conceive of any greater pain. I wish I had the words to comfort you but I just don't. You have my most heartfelt sympathy and support if you should need it. Marlena Edited January 24, 2008 by marlena spelling
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 The HMA has spoken. Life has its ups and downs, just because you are down now does not mean that there won't be better days to come. It is ok to feel sad today but realize that there will also be a time when you won't feel sad. I am flirting with the idea every once in a while I take a few more pain killers and think what if I took them all could I just slip away. But honestly I don't have the nerve to and thats annoying in a way in itself. I know life has its ups and downs but the downs are so out weighing the ups in mine it seams. Honestly for a small glimpse I was badly mentally abused by my mom as a kid I delt with that. I was raped when I was younger thats how I lost my virginity. I delt with that and the over flow of low self esteem that came with that. I have a son that lives on the other side of the world hes better off with out me honestly least for now. I'm in a relationship with a heavy drinker who has issues hes already been convicted of bashing me. I can't leave for legal reasons I'm in a different country by the way I care about the guy but hes controlling and puts me down allot. I'm starting to wonder if its me thats just hard to live with ether way I have to deal with it the best I can for now. Were broke to the point of little food most of the time I over spend because in a f*cked up way it makes me feel happier I'm very depressed in general I'm sorry for rambling.
Jmina Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Smile and life will get better or some other cliché why is it a cliche... have you tried it spank? or is it pointless before you get a shot. If your feeling as bad as you are wouldnt you be willing to try anything? go on smile all day. put a pencil between your teeth to keep your cheeks stretched if you need to. Now while your smiling write down 5 things that your greatful for. Go help somebody else, go work out out. all in one day. Happiness is not a destination it is a way of living. You let out your pain frustrations and hurt then you gain a clear head and you build positive roads. you get direction. You get stuck when nothing gets out of your head and it stays there for years and years and years. anyone would want to kill themslves with that much build up of sorrow dispair and grief. I dont know everyone, or for each reason why they commit s. but i do know that many can be saved with a different perspective. some need to be shown the way others work it out. the ones who dont either missed out on a hand, or didnt take it - whatever what the reason was.
Jmina Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 If i were you i would be taking steps to get out. Of course you can escape. this isnt 1905. People live to tell their story of escaping from underground dungeons and it inspires women to escape from their own miserable surroundings. you dont have to escape in one day but you can take steps over time until you take that final step. give us all the details and we can come up with a suitable plan! there is always a way. if there is a will theres way. get a will spankthemoneky! I have been sexually abused, ignored, heartbroken. My ex is better off without me. If i can create something good so can you. AND for heavens sake stop apologising. what do you think forums like this are for??? keep posting!!
marlena Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Spanks, Why can't you leave this person who is so negatively affecting your life? Try to improve your financial status. Find a job- anything- it is therapeutical. Try to bury those tragic memories of your childhood. They are dead. Let them go. Try to re-connect with your child. Tentative steps at first. Be the parent he/she would admire and be proud of! If necessary, seek help and support. Only you have the power to turn the tables so to speak. You can do it! Guts and determination. Make yourself proud of yourself!
Jmina Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I agree with Marlena spanks!! You have support here! you know you are worth it because we are telling you. I will stand up for you right now (i wont be able to reach the keyboard but) well look at that i can still touch the keyboard. i said a prayer for you spanks. i belive you can turn this around spanksthemonkey. tell us your situation. there are many people on here who have a lot of knowledge about everything. You wont be stuck. There will be a way.
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Spanks, Why can't you leave this person who is so negatively affecting your life? Try to improve your financial status. Find a job- anything- it is therapeutical. Try to bury those tragic memories of your childhood. They are dead. Let them go. Try to re-connect with your child. Tentative steps at first. Be the parent he/she would admire and be proud of! If necessary, seek help and support. Only you have the power to turn the tables so to speak. You can do it! Guts and determination. Make yourself proud of yourself! Well lets see I can't leave him because if I do I go by by on the plane back home and I don't want to for now. Not after I've put 110% emotionally and financially into making things work here. I don't work due to an injury I'm on a fixed income for it I had broken part of my back a few years ago and now I have arthritis in my spine thats fun at 30 let me tell you. I want to reconnect but I know I'm not a good mother figure and hes better off with his fathers family for now. I'm not trying to bleat or make excuses I'm just explaining myself a bit here.
marlena Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Well lets see I can't leave him because if I do I go by by on the plane back home and I don't want to for now. Not after I've put 110% emotionally and financially into making things work here. BUT it isn't working!!! This is being plain stubborn! Do you not want to feel human again? I don't work due to an injury I'm on a fixed income for it I had broken part of my back a few years ago and now I have arthritis in my spine thats fun at 30 let me tell you. How about doing work that doesn't require you to stand? Surely there must be something! Or, alternatively, live on your income.. sparsely. I want to reconnect but I know I'm not a good mother figure Become one! Get yourself together and your son/daughter will see it and acknowlege it! Make it your a raison d' etre (where's that French accent again?)....something to live for! Many have done it and so can you!
Jmina Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) Wait a second.. i thought you were flirting with the idea of suicide? Isnt your life unbearable? The reply you just gave wont stop you if you really want out. and believe me. YOU really want out. This is what is happening You are resisiting to change. this is how we get stuck and either end up somewhere we wouldnt dream of or worse. Awareness is the first step in healing or changing. You have a pattern buried deep within you spank. you need to become aware to heal this. perhaps you begin to mention this (which is what is happening now) you might complain about your problems, or see it in other people, it is rising to your attention that you need to change. your begining to relate to it. yes? We often attract a teacher, a friend, a class, or something (loveshack?) to approach new ways of disolving the problems. You might be really close to your first step of unfoldment. Do you recognise the significance of all this yet? usually its not till later that we actually do. often our reaction to this first stage is to think the apprach is silly or that it doesnt make sense. maybe its too easy or unacceptable to our thinking! we dont want to. our resistance comes up very strong. we may even feel angry about the thought of even doing it! this type of reaction is good. if you can understand that it is the first step in healing then your on your way. any reaction is the first step of healing. impatience is another form of resistance. it is resistance to learning and changing. we all want our problem to be over with, but we dont want to do the small things that will add up to the solution. Its realy time to acknowledge your responsibility in having created the situation or condition. and im not talking about having guilt or about being a bad person!! you just need to acknowledge that you do have a power within you that transforms our every thought into experience. If your looking at the hardest thing for you to do and how much you resist it then youre looking at your greatest lesson at the moment! surrendering, giving up the resistance and allowing yourself to learn what you need to learn will make the next step even easier. your not making excuses your resisting. and its normal. you do need this to change spank.your life. you need to live it. you need to be safe. you need to be healthy both emotionally and physically. Edited January 24, 2008 by Jmina
MakeLemonade Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Well lets see I can't leave him because if I do I go by by on the plane back home and I don't want to for now. Not after I've put 110% emotionally and financially into making things work here. You do see how this contradicts itself don't you? My little rant last night aside, I really feel badly for everything you are going through - chronic pain is a soul destroyer. Have you tried acupuncture or some of the other non-traditional pain methods? They can be helpful. And back to where you are staying and your current relationship - sometimes even after you put maximum effort into something, and it is bad for you, in this case destructive even - you have to cut your losses and start over, I know that sucks to hear, I know you don't want to but only you can decide whether the abuse is worth toughing it out or not, I wouldn't think it would be, but I am not you. Also wanted to say sorry for coming down on you last night, I should have known your original question was coming from a place of contemplation rather than just curiousity and understood that your comment to me came from a place of frustration, rather than bad intentions. I am truly sorry for what you are going through but please listen to what we are saying - you have to do something about it in order for it to change, there will be no miracle unless you make it happen. Maybe try something small like just getting up each day with a new determination to make today just a little better than yesterday and see what small things you can do just for that day, change will come, it may take alot of time and effort, but it will come. I know this all sounds rather pollyanna, super positive, go team, gag but it really does work. It is hard to help someone who doesn't want to do anything to help themselves, and who is feeling sorry for themselves as well. I really hope you find the strength and determination to do something to better your situation.
Kasan Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I am flirting with the idea every once in a while I take a few more pain killers and think what if I took them all could I just slip away. Honestly for a small glimpse I was badly mentally abused by my mom as a kid I delt with that. I was raped when I was younger thats how I lost my virginity. I delt with that and the over flow of low self esteem that came with that. I am so glad that you started this thread Spanks and I am very sorry of the blows in your life that you have been dealt. All I can say, is that I have walked in part of your shoes, as have probably more people here than you can know. I never understand why life can be/is so hard for some people...I just don't understand. But I do know this, I am a survivor, I took what was dished out to me, and grew strong. I didn't ask for what happened to me, I was a victim, but no more. I will not be brought to my knees ever again. It's just not gonna happen. I am going to make mistakes, screw up royally, doubt myself, but I will never give my power away again. It simply took me too long to find it and grow comfortable in my own skin. Living takes incredible strength--do I wish I hadn't gone through what I had? Absolutely! But on the other hand, it has made me the person that I am today. Spanks, you need to put one foot in front of another. Talk to someone about bio-feedback for your chronic pain, how about swimming for the arthritis in your back? There is always someone out there that can help you. As bleak as it looks sometimes--know that we all struggle with our flaws, broken dreams, and lost illusions, but it's part of this wonderful, wonderful journey we call life.
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Thank you all for the kind responses I think what I'm trying to Deny most is the fact that I deeply love this man even tho hes hurtful and destructive at times. I guess I kind of relate to him on some level hes broken in a way like me I feel comfortable with that. I actually got out of a not so great R with my sons father to be with this person. I've always been the one to try and save the lost ones even tho I'm the poster child for them myself its just in my nature I suppose. We had a HUGE blow out this evening we had been arguing again over money probs. Even tho we have no food we just went and did a finance for a two and a half grand kayak for him I must be nuts. I agreed to make the payments for the next 2 years it was going to be his bday gift from me I know stupid ha? Thats been eating at him plus the other bills we are behind on his parents got involved they help us allot at times some times financially. So we weren't going to tell them about certain things and that was eating on his nerves as well hes sleeping over there for tonight. They are coming over to talk about finances tomorrow I'm not looking forward to it there p*ssed at me. In between the yelling and arguing the fact that the bills were late came out something I had been lieing about to them. Mostly so they wouldn't pay them for us I don't want that from them I only take what I absolutely have to like food or the lot at times. And the fact we owe our soul for the boat came out so its going to be fun to see how this works out. I think they want to start selling stuff off in the house its a long story I could get into more but I wont. Lets just say we bottomed out in a few ways tonight I guess we will see how its ending tomorrow. I still love him and I love our home I just wish we could work things thu instead of hurting each other all the time. There is no intimacy in the relationship which I resent honestly we sleep in separate rooms. He is a hard person to live with he dosent like cirtin things like being breathed on. So we can't sleep in the same bed cause he says I breath on him to much or I snore to much I dunno. We don't show emotion in public my nabor actually asked if he was my brother at one point. We cuddle at times in private but it never progresses further other then if he asks for favors which I don't do any more. Prob out of the resentment at a abnormal R in the 1st place is that wrong? Its all confusing to be honest that part of things only thing I can figure is hes not attracted to me I dunno. So much going on at once why dose life always seam to attack me all at once.
Mustang Sally Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 What do I think about suicide? I think that I do not want to be found dead...and I have sh*t my pants. Yep. That's a pretty good deterrent for me....I'm not even kidding. Spanks - Talk away. Don't let anyone tell you different. If you have things you want to air, there are others here that will be happy to listen. Disregard the unhelpful ones. Oh. And you might see about getting a professional to talk to, too. Take care of yourself.
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 What do I think about suicide? I think that I do not want to be found dead...and I have sh*t my pants. Yep. That's a pretty good deterrent for me....I'm not even kidding. Spanks - Talk away. Don't let anyone tell you different. If you have things you want to air, there are others here that will be happy to listen. Disregard the unhelpful ones. Oh. And you might see about getting a professional to talk to, too. Take care of yourself. Thank you sally I've been bottling so much up any more it feels great to get it out even if it is only in cyber space. I am going to go back to a counselor we were seeing a while ago by my self I know I need to. Far as the pain of my back I've learned how to cope with it but its just at such a young age to have arthritis and ake like I do is very depressing. I remember when I was active and when I could enjoy sports and I feel old and worn now. I will never do those things to the degree I use to that fact hit me hard a year ago or so and I'm still coping with it.
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