Head is spinning

[backspn]

I have been dating this great girl for 2 months and we decided to keep it exclusive, we are both in our 30s. After our date tonight we talked in the car and she confesssed to me that she has been having some conflicting feelings. She wasnt sure if I was looking for a serious relationship with anyone or something with her specifically. I told her it was her I was interested in getting to know. She said she has strong feelings for me and could see this grow into something long term but she feels like its a whirlwind, moving too fast. She has never really been in love with someone before and sees herself falling for me, and it scares her. She said she would like to go back to the way it was before, when we were just dating. Before we were exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend. She said that if this grows into something that we are together for a long time, she wants to be sure of her feelings. Im not wordly in the ways of dating and Im not sure what to make of this. Does she want to date other guys while dating me? Im very confused right now and my head is spinning. Please help.

[oppath]

Hmmm....I wouldn't conclude other guys are in the picture. It could just be she is scared to commit to something serious. In that case, explain "just because we have agreed to be exclusive doesn't mean I'm thinking about marriage and babies. It just means I am hopeful this develops into something. Where I'm at right now is I enjoy my time with you and I can't wait to have more adventures with you. Dating you is a blast. I want to continue getting to know you better and experiencing fun things with you."

 

When you agreed to be exclusive, did you amp up the romance? Are you trying to see her 5 nights a week?

[backspn]

I dont think the romance increased at all. I know she has a life outside me and I am comfortable with the time we spend together as it is, Im not looking for anymore time with her. I did tell her I was going to move closer to her, we now live over an hour away from each other, which she was totally ok with. Im just not sure why we would have to be non exclusive to tone down the relationship a few notches. Should I bring up your suggestion on our next date?

[backspn]

I have had the night to think about a few things about last night. We started dating exclusively about 3 weeks into dating, was that too soon? What should I do from here? Should I talk to her about this? I dont think I can date someone if they are dating other people at the same time. Is this kind of dating normal?

 

p.s. I came from a 5 yr relationship before this where we were exclusive from day1.

[Star Gazer]

I think she's freaking out because you told her you were moving closer to her. Why are you moving? Is it for reasons other than her? If so, make that clear. While I can understand after 2 months being open to move closer at a LATER date (like 6-12 months down the road), 2 months is much too soon to actually make those changes. That alone could have freaked her out.

 

If she doesn't want to be exclusive, she either wants the option of dating other guys OR she doesn't want the responsibility and obligations that come along with having a boyfriend.

 

But yes, dating more than one person at a time is a common practice.

[backspn]

We had talked about me moving closer for about a month now. I asked her last night if it was something that would have scared her. In fact we talked last night about her coming over to my place since she has female room mates and is more comfortable to spend time at my place. She said she still wants to do all the stuff we do now, kissing, physical etc but not the emotional. I asked her if she was scared that she is falling for me and she told me yes. She has never been this close to anyone before, but a person in their 30s would welcome a close personal relationship wouldnt they?

[nicki]

Not if they are scared!

 

It's kind of like they want and need it, but are afraid of it, specifically afraid of thinking they have it and then finding out they really don't.

 

She wants to be sure about you and who you are. She wants you to be sure that it is HER that is special to you and the reason for you being in an exclusive relationship, not just that you are ready to have a close relationship with just anyone.

 

We women have a need to be "special" and different from the rest of the pack of women.

 

She is the stage where she is gathering information and drawing conclusions. For instance, the moving to be closer to her after 2 months could indicate a clingy, stalker guy who does this with ANY woman. That's not you, I understand. It's simply that she really doesn't have any way to know that until she talks with you and watches your actions.

 

So, I would make the reason for the move more in line with your own personal goals, like work, as well as the added bonus of being close to her. That would ease her mind and at the same time compliment her that she is becoming an important part of your life and you want her in it more.

 

I think she is looking for you to express the possibility of a long term relationship with her. This "wait and see where it goes" guy speak is read by many women as "whatever. I'm not sure about you yet." Which you might not be, I understand.

 

It's just that women will want to know that you see some potential with her, and if all things continue on the line as you have been on, then, yes, that would be wonderful.....stuff like that...

 

Anyway, hope this helps.

 

Try dialing down any clingy behavior this early, but let her know how excited you are about the bright future you two can share. It's a fine line but it will show her that you are taking care of your own life, while including her in it, too.

 

Hope this makes sense! Good luck. Have fun!

[spookie]

It's silly to make assumptions about what a person "should" welcome to their life based on age.

 

I'm actually having a lot of the same concerns as your gf in my relationship. I like the guy VERY MUCH but feel like he's going through the motions of becoming my BF without knowing very much about me, or having a real sense for who I am. I'm a complicated person with a complex past that's made me who I am, and I don't open up easily... there's no way he can possibly understand yet who I am, so when he does things you'd typically do for someone special, it creeps me out. It makes me feel like I could be ANYONE and as long as I fulfill certain completely impersonal criteria, he'd be ok with that. Maybe there's nothing wrong with that, if his criteria are specific enough... I don't know. I don't have my mind totally made up on the subject. But, I see your gf's point. If she feels you see her as long-term potential before seeing her as a human being that you feel for emotionally, she's going to be scared, especially if you're trying to move the R forward. Your reasons for doing certain things would just feel fake to her (like the move... why are you moving)?

 

I think your best bet right now is to back off, especially where the physical is concerned (even if she says otherwise) and try to really get to know her. What's the rush?

[backspn]

Thanks ladies for your repsonses. Spookie, what should be my moves from now on? If she is scared wont she want to run and stay at the same time? I dont want to lose this one, she is terrific in every sense. She told me last night that she wasnt sure if it was her I was into or just the idea of a relationship. I told her it was her but how do I prove it? I asked her if since she wants to be non exclusive again if that meant she wanted to see other people and she told me she hadnt anyone in mind and she hadnt looked. She then asked me the same and I told her that she was the only one I wanted to see. How can I reassure her in a non possesive/ giver her space kinda way that my intentions are true? Thanks for your answers all.

 

We have a date this Saturday where we will be spending all day together than she is staying at my place for the night. She said she still wants to do this.

 

Nicki, We have talked about this being long term if things progress the way they are going. Was that too soon for us to have this discussion?

Edited January 23, 2008 by backspn

[EYECANDY000]

Hmmm a little confusing if you ask me. I can understand the whole commitment thing. And being in love woth someone is a scary and passionate feeling, but she wants to go back to dating? what did you guys do differently when you were dating that has changed since you have become exclusive? Do she feel like if you guys are dating then she could easily break off the relationship than if you guys are together?

[backspn]

The only thing that really changed was the pet names. I cannot really put my finger on it. Last night she told me she has strong feelings for me and does not want anything to ruin it. We both had said that we were falling for each other about a month ago and 2 weeks ago she asked if we could put the whole L word on hold for a while. She felt it was moving too fast for her to soon. I agreed and we havent mentioned it since she said that. When we see movies she cuddles with me and we kiss and do all the things lovers do after dates. She still wants to make this work from what she said last night and wants to take it slower, which I dont have any problems with. The problem I do have is the "non exclusive" part. What makes that the deal breaker? We have been going strong since day one and no indications have been made otherwise. She did go home this weekend up north and we didnt talk all weekend but I thought maybe it was just a space issue, which I give her planty of. Do you girls test guys by saying this just to see how they pursue them? I really have no clue how to proceed from this. In my past experiences, when someone says they want to slow down, it really slows down. Maybe I am wrong here.

 

I did suggest about a week ago that I could go to a school closer to where she lives and I work, but I live about 30 mins from where I work. Do you think she got spooked by my change in plans? I am going to go to school by where I live now and not where I work. Should I tell her that?

[StartingOver07]

Backspn, I would let it rest, if you can. It doesn't sound as though she is looking for an out or a way to see other people. It sounds more that she needs to keep the door open for now even though she has no intention of leaving the room. I would see what happens over the next week or two. It seems that you already have some plans together - see how they play out. You might want to mention that you are not planning to move to her area any time soon, but that it is something that could become a possibility if/when the time is right.

 

Honestly, from what you've written, she just sounds cautious, not disinterested.

[backspn]

I can understand that she is cautious and am giving her space to figure things out. I just dont know why it is so upsetting to me. I am really hurt over this.

[jerbear]

I can understand that she is cautious and am giving her space to figure things out. I just dont know why it is so upsetting to me. I am really hurt over this.

 

Honestly don't be hurt and go back into your shell. I would take this as a good sign for a guy. Not everyday a woman opens up! :bunny:

 

In the past what I would have done would take a step back and tone the contact down a notch or two. I would consider saying and letting her know how you felt. Also tell her that you are giving her space and letting her come to you. In other words let her set pace.

 

Be careful with the words you use. Now if she uses the words "I think we need some time apart, then step back and let her come back to you."

 

Also from what you mentioned in another post about all the relationship stuff but w/o the emotions. Sounds like she might be afraid of falling to fast to quick or seeking a FWB is great but that is not what you want.

[backspn]

I would consider saying and letting her know how you felt. Also tell her that you are giving her space and letting her come to you. In other words let her set pace.

 

I should let her know when we talk next that I felt kinda hurt by the "non exclusive" part of the conversation? I dont want to shove her away more.

 

I told her that I cared for her deeply and that I would wait for her to make the first move when it comes to the "love" and not to give up on us.

 

I asked her if we were still on for Saturday and she said she thinks it will be fun.

 

Hopefully everything is fine but Im still scared out of my mind of losing her.

 

Edit: 1 big point I forgot to bring up is that we have not had sex yet, she wants to wait for the right time. If thats make things any clearer on her decisions.

Edited January 24, 2008 by backspn

[D-Lish]

I wouldn't bring up anymore "exclusive/relationship/emotional" stuff AT ALL at the moment. Trust me on this. Those feelings of trepidation she is experiencing are due to the pressure she places on herself in regards to getting serious. If you start talking about feeling hurt and questioning the exclusivity after she has stated she wants to slow things down.... you might end up scaring her away.

 

I am pretty sure she isn't seeing anyone else- it doesn't sound as if that is the case anyway. I think she just wants to ease into things, get to know you better- and allow herself to reach a certain comfort level before she can let her feelings go.

 

The way for you to gain in this situation is to simply play the low key, pressure free...fun- fun- fun- guy for the time being.

 

The less pressure she feels from you, the more inclined SHE will be to become more dedicated and committed to the relationship.

 

By communicating you were upset by the exclusive conversation- you are indirectly putting pressure on the idea of being exclusive. I know if it were me... I might back away from that.

 

I am quite sure she likes you. I think she is blowing a bit of hot air- probably trying to maintain her composure as she discovers her feelings for you.

 

Just continue on as you have been- but without the serious talk...unless she brings it up. This will give her a feeling of safety and semblence of control over her feelings. I think she is just a bit scared to fall in love. The best way for this to happen is to let it develop naturally.

 

You don't have to pretend you don't like her.... you just have to play as if you are okay with her need to calm things down.

 

Bringing up the topic of exclusivity is something to re-visit again later...I just don't think right now- so soon, is a good idea.

 

She likes you- for the time being I'd just enjoy "liking" one another and having fun. Her feelings will fall into place. I bet if you lay off a bit and keep things light- she'll come to her own conclusion that she wants to heat things up.

[Kamille]

I should let her know when we talk next that I felt kinda hurt by the "non exclusive" part of the conversation? I dont want to shove her away more.

 

I told her that I cared for her deeply and that I would wait for her to make the first move when it comes to the "love" and not to give up on us.

 

I asked her if we were still on for Saturday and she said she thinks it will be fun.

 

Hopefully everything is fine but Im still scared out of my mind of losing her.

 

Edit: 1 big point I forgot to bring up is that we have not had sex yet, she wants to wait for the right time. If thats make things any clearer on her decisions.

 

I'm currently seeing a guy who has been afraid of losing me since before our first date. We've been together 4 months.

 

And I think his fear complicates the relationship.

 

I want us to get to know each other for who we are and see if we are really a match. I do find that we rushed into things, L word and all, and I do sometimes wish things hadn't progressed so rapidly. that being said, I do love him.

 

Meanwhile I feel that because he is afraid of losing me, he sometimes changes his personality and attitude around me.

 

I just want him to be him. I want him to be unafraid of losing me.

 

Based on that, I would advise you to face that fear and see how it might affect your confidence and how you act around her. The reality of things is that if she is going to get scared away, then it best be because you were yourself not because you were doing things to try and please her just because you were afraid. Does that make sense?

 

Remind yourself that you have made it this far without her, and that she only adds to your life. But losing her wouldn't be the end of the world.

 

The only way you want her there is with her wanting to be there.

 

As such, when it comes to the 'non exclusive' conversation, tell her what you said here: you aren't into it. You might want to ask her what she means by it first. In my book 'non exclusive' does mean allowed to see others. but if you do tell her you aren't into it - then say it confidently.

Edited January 24, 2008 by Kamille

[Touche]

I think you got very good advice from Kamille and Dlish.

 

Ok, having said that I'll give my thoughts on this. Personally, I wouldn't accept the non-exclusive thing after she already agreed to it. But then, you don't want to completely push her away either. Play it cool. Tell her it's not what you want but if she feels compelled to date others then you don't guarantee that you'll be available and waiting around.

 

My other thought is that when you find the "one" you don't want to date others. Trust me on that one, as a woman. I met my H at 33. He proposed after 4 weeks..yep it went fast. But we both knew we'd found the love of our lives. I couldn't imagine, after only 4 weeks dating anyone else...hell, I couldn't even imagine the rest of my life without him...forget dating others.

 

I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but as much as you are in love with this woman, I'm not sure it's completely reciprocated. Unless she's SO super-cautious that she is just "self-destructive" in relationships.

 

I'd examine her past relationships a little. What have they been like? What's her history?

[Racquel Colette]

I'm currently seeing a guy who has been afraid of losing me since before our first date. We've been together 4 months.

 

And I think his fear complicates the relationship.

 

I want us to get to know each other for who we are and see if we are really a match. I do find that we rushed into things, L word and all, and I do sometimes wish things hadn't progressed so rapidly. that being said, I do love him.

 

Meanwhile I feel that because he is afraid of losing me, he sometimes changes his personality and attitude around me.

 

I just want him to be him. I want him to be unafraid of losing me.

 

Based on that, I would advise you to face that fear and see how it might affect your confidence and how you act around her. The reality of things is that if she is going to get scared away, then it best be because you were yourself not because you were doing things to try and please her just because you were afraid. Does that make sense?

 

Remind yourself that you have made it this far without her, and that she only adds to your life. But losing her wouldn't be the end of the world.

 

The only way you want her there is with her wanting to be there.

 

As such, when it comes to the 'non exclusive' conversation, tell her what you said here: you aren't into it. You might want to ask her what she means by it first. In my book 'non exclusive' does mean allowed to see others. but if you do tell her you aren't into it - then say it confidently.

 

This is a good thing, that he loves you and has that insecurity of possibly losing you...it gives you the upper hand in important issues. It would be easier to get him to quit smoking if he thought he could lose you over it. I would definitely be playing the "The smoke really makes me feel awful, I need to go home now" card, I'm not kidding. You'll be doing you AND him a favor.

[backspn]

The only thing I lose sleep over and am torn over was not the talk about taking it slow, which I am completely cool with. Its the non exclusive part. I cannot and dont think I will compete over another guy, I am worth more than that. That being said I am the closest thing to being in love as she has ever been(her words), she confessed this last night. We have talked about our past relationships in the past and we are at ease with it. She hasnt been in the position with her career to settle down with someone. This is her first serious relationship. She did date someone for 5 months once but it never got to this stage. Im sure this is new to her but even though she said she isnt looking to date anyone else, the whole non exclusive thing after a month of being exclusive is a huge cloud over me. Exclusive to me means knowing that I am the only one she is focusing on.

Edited January 24, 2008 by backspn

[Touche]

She's in her 30's and the longest relationship she had was 5 months? Did I read that correctly? If so, she's a commitment-phobe pure and simple.

[Racquel Colette]

You are still in school, she is already in a solid career. She is worried that you haven't yet gotten into a career and may not ever, and she will end up being the primary breadwinner.

I'm sure she wants someone as career oriented as she is, if not moreso.

Sorry, you don't have a chance, especially if you haven't even had sex yet.

[oppath]

She's in her 30's and the longest relationship she had was 5 months? Did I read that correctly? If so, she's a commitment-phobe pure and simple.

 

Not necessarily true. I'm 28, in my last year of a PhD program, so a relationship will be difficult. There's a good chance I'll be 30 yet my longest relationship was 5.5 months. Why? I didn't start dating until I was 24.5. I had issues there that needed to be addressed and I really didn't develop the confidence that most people have at 20, until I was 26. I've been the one wanting more commitment most of the time. There are exceptions.

 

However, if she started dating at 16-18, it is a different ball game. My inexperience has mostly led to me making bad choices, such as tolerating gf's hanging out with recent ex boyfriends without telling them "I have a new boyfriend" or me getting calls at 2am saying "stay away from my girl."

 

Though I may have recently discarded someone because of commitment issues, and I'm thinking of giving her a call for another chance, there are exceptions.

 

What is her dating history like? Did she delay dating until later in life? Was she really really shy? Does she have a history of anxiety?

[backspn]

She started dating at 24 and didnt have sex until close to 25. I dont think the career thing is a stumbling point. I work for a major corporation right now, I have a career and go to school at night and am finishing school to start a second career. I could be wrong though.

[Touche]

Not necessarily true. I'm 28, in my last year of a PhD program, so a relationship will be difficult. There's a good chance I'll be 30 yet my longest relationship was 5.5 months. Why? I didn't start dating until I was 24.5. I had issues there that needed to be addressed and I really didn't develop the confidence that most people have at 20, until I was 26. I've been the one wanting more commitment most of the time. There are exceptions.

 

However, if she started dating at 16-18, it is a different ball game. My inexperience has mostly led to me making bad choices, such as tolerating gf's hanging out with recent ex boyfriends without telling them "I have a new boyfriend" or me getting calls at 2am saying "stay away from my girl."

 

Though I may have recently discarded someone because of commitment issues, and I'm thinking of giving her a call for another chance, there are exceptions.

 

What is her dating history like? Did she delay dating until later in life? Was she really really shy? Does she have a history of anxiety?

 

Good points raised and of course there are exceptions but as a RULE, I stand by what I said. There are issues, commitment issues, or otherwise if one is in their 30's and the longest relationship they've had is 5 months.

 

You're not in your 30's yet. You still have growing to do. Most of us do when we're still in our 20's.