Elilmomma Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Why is it that I feel more sexuallly attracted to my husband since his affair? does anyone else feel the same?
BetrayedMM Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Wow, this just came up earlier on another thread. Google "sperm competition". It helped me realize I wasn't completely out of my mind.
TMCM Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 It's been said that familiarity breeds contempt and this seems to apply to a lot of marriages where after some years living together, spouses tend to look at each other more like brothers and sisters than as lovers. An affair sometimes 're-sexualizes' a cheating spouse in the eyes of the betrayed spouse. Fear of losing a spouse may become a strong aphrodisiac.
Trimmer Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 An affair sometimes 're-sexualizes' a cheating spouse in the eyes of the betrayed spouse. Fear of losing a spouse may become a strong aphrodisiac. After my wife's affair - actually, still during the immediate brutal aftermath - my sexual attraction to her was greatly heightened. I think we had fallen into somewhat of a rut (the familiarity thing...) and suddenly I saw her not just being sexual, but sexually adventurous and even risky... Suddenly she was a hot sexual woman, out to get laid, instead of just my buttoned-down wife. Needless to say, this was simultaneously arousing and also emotionally painful...
trifecta Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 heightened sexual arousal after an affair-is not a bad thing. Infact, I believe that a marriage has a greater chance of survival-if sex and I mean active sex is apart of the recovery. tri MAX
mopar crazy Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Why is it that I feel more sexuallly attracted to my husband since his affair? does anyone else feel the same? I hate to admit but I was more sexually attracted to my H during and even after his A, still am 5 years later but I think I hit my peek, lol! Anyhow, I think the reason why I was more attracted to him sexually during his A was b/c it was a way to get back at the OW. I always enjoyed sex w/ my H even b4 his A, I just didn't want or desire it all the time like he did. Maybe it made me wake up and realize that if I didn't want him all the time she would? Does that make sense? Maybe part of me used him sexually to get back at the OW. There was also the reason that I thought if I screwed his brains out he would realize what he was going to miss if he continued w/ the A onto a D.
Author Elilmomma Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 I hate to admit but I was more sexually attracted to my H during and even after his A, still am 5 years later but I think I hit my peek, lol! Anyhow, I think the reason why I was more attracted to him sexually during his A was b/c it was a way to get back at the OW. I always enjoyed sex w/ my H even b4 his A, I just didn't want or desire it all the time like he did. Maybe it made me wake up and realize that if I didn't want him all the time she would? Does that make sense? Maybe part of me used him sexually to get back at the OW. There was also the reason that I thought if I screwed his brains out he would realize what he was going to miss if he continued w/ the A onto a D. You know what you do make alot of sense I do feel the same exact way. I feel like if I give it to him really good he'll forget about the ow and realize what he's got right here. I also was not very seaxually active with him before, but now I want it all the time. I think I hit my peak also. You're right it is also like a revenge thing against the ow. I just can't get enough now to the point where I begin to get frustrated. His affair did wake me up and it's like I want to give it to him so good that he'll regret what he did. Is that crazy? I aslo get my frustration out too what's better than that. It's good to hear that someone feels the same like me and I am not crazy...so thank you for your input.
mopar crazy Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 You know what you do make alot of sense I do feel the same exact way. I feel like if I give it to him really good he'll forget about the ow and realize what he's got right here. I also was not very seaxually active with him before, but now I want it all the time. I think I hit my peak also. You're right it is also like a revenge thing against the ow. I just can't get enough now to the point where I begin to get frustrated. His affair did wake me up and it's like I want to give it to him so good that he'll regret what he did. Is that crazy? I aslo get my frustration out too what's better than that. It's good to hear that someone feels the same like me and I am not crazy...so thank you for your input. You're welcome! I don't know, maybe I was crazy at the time, maybe I still am, lol. I do know that when my H and I were separated due to his A I was seeking IC. My counselor told me to STOP having sex w/ him, it was clouding my judgement. Well, what about HIS judgement? He was having his cake and eating it too and I was allowing him to do that. I guess my self-esteem was at rock bottom due to the fact he left me for a skanky slut from work. I told him if he was going to have an A after 11 years of M why her? Why not some one pretty? But at the time I didn't think about A not being only about looks, but how the OP made the MP feel etc. I did finally stop having sex w/ him after I moved 100 miles away from him but a month later he called, admitted to the A (both him and OW lied to me for a couple of months) and wanted to work on the M. Five years later we are together but honestly don't know if it was the best choice. Not only b/c of the A but other issues in our M. I hope that you find happiness and peace w/in yourself either w/o your WH or w/ him. This is one of the hardest things you will deal w/ in your life. The pain will lessen as time passes but you will never forget it.
BetrayedMM Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I did the same thing for the same reasons, but since I knew she was screwing somebody, I also knew what I was doing was stupid and dangerous. The whole thing was counterintuitive. I thought I was going insane. So I looked into it. I had a different answer than most if not all others because I tend to look at these things from more of an anthropological perspective than a psychological one. The psychologists say it's normal, but I still needed to know why. Now I know, and it helped me stop.
underpants Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 This is an interesting phenomenon. I have noticed this a couple of cases of marriage infidelity as well as in some cases cheating during commited relationships. In all that I have seen it is like the urge to conquer the cheater emotionally and physically wins out over common sense. In cases where they win back the cheating partner over time it is an empty, rather soul draining win. It is difficult and sad to see that.
BetrayedMM Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 over time it is an empty, rather soul draining win Yes. It is. I 'won' her back last time. Now look at the result.
BetrayedMM Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 To give you an idea how stupid I was, I had kicked her out, but after 2 weeks or so of phone calls consisting of her begging and me refusing, I relented and allowed her to come over to talk. Somehow one thing led to another, and, I did it. Uhhh... how do I put this politely... It was the performance of my life. She then pretty much left right after catching her breath, saying she was confused. SHE was confused? Yeah, so was I! This then somehow became an every other night thing, where she was hopping from one... member... to the other. My confusion deepened. Well, to make a long story short, we had a false reconciliation, and recently she was cheating again. I didn't boot her out, (still haven't, but that's coming), instead I started doing it again. And, on top of the horror of "oh no, not again" about the cheating, there was me and my libido going into high gear again. I was able to stop myself this time. I haven't had sex in a couple months or so. I did 'slip up' a couple times, but I stopped. Ironically, it seems she hasn't been sleeping with the OM, nor had contact since Oct 27, but now I just don't want her anymore. Now, the idea of sex with her is repulsive. My libido is shot to hell now anyway, so I don't think I'll slip up again, even if the urge overcomes me again. At this point I really don't know if I'll ever be able to have sex again. Kinda scary, and very disturbing. But, I have more important issues to deal with right now.
Author Elilmomma Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 To give you an idea how stupid I was, I had kicked her out, but after 2 weeks or so of phone calls consisting of her begging and me refusing, I relented and allowed her to come over to talk. Somehow one thing led to another, and, I did it. Uhhh... how do I put this politely... It was the performance of my life. She then pretty much left right after catching her breath, saying she was confused. SHE was confused? Yeah, so was I! This then somehow became an every other night thing, where she was hopping from one... member... to the other. My confusion deepened. Well, to make a long story short, we had a false reconciliation, and recently she was cheating again. I didn't boot her out, (still haven't, but that's coming), instead I started doing it again. And, on top of the horror of "oh no, not again" about the cheating, there was me and my libido going into high gear again. I was able to stop myself this time. I haven't had sex in a couple months or so. I did 'slip up' a couple times, but I stopped. Ironically, it seems she hasn't been sleeping with the OM, nor had contact since Oct 27, but now I just don't want her anymore. Now, the idea of sex with her is repulsive. My libido is shot to hell now anyway, so I don't think I'll slip up again, even if the urge overcomes me again. At this point I really don't know if I'll ever be able to have sex again. Kinda scary, and very disturbing. But, I have more important issues to deal with right now. wow!!!! You really put up with alot, I feel for you. I just feel like I am having the upper hand by giving it to him real good. I really want my marriage to work out, but sometimes I wonder if giving him sex as much and as good as I have is good for me emotionally. I thank you for your input, and I hope you find happiness and the kind of love you deserve... good luck!!!
Curmudgeon Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 heightened sexual arousal after an affair-is not a bad thing. In fact, I believe that a marriage has a greater chance of survival-if sex and I mean active sex is apart of the recovery. ...as long as it's active sex with your spouse and does NOT follow sex with someone else. Infidelity in my marriage is/would be and should be a deal-breaker! There's no excuse and no redemption!
Author Elilmomma Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 Of course I take out my frustration's on him sexually.......it makes me feel a whole lot better. It is a big part of the recovery process.
BetrayedMM Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I hope he's not still cheating. If so, please, I don't think this is good for you in the long run. Please don't share him. It will hurt you more than you know in the long run. I know only too well how strong the urge is, and how incredible the sex is. But, later, when you realize that the best sex you have ever had, and the most enjoyment your partner has ever gotten from it was while you were being cheated on, and and that was also the period of time when they were most horny ever, it just eats away at you.
Author Elilmomma Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 I hope he's not still cheating. If so, please, I don't think this is good for you in the long run. Please don't share him. It will hurt you more than you know in the long run. I know only too well how strong the urge is, and how incredible the sex is. But, later, when you realize that the best sex you have ever had, and the most enjoyment your partner has ever gotten from it was while you were being cheated on, and and that was also the period of time when they were most horny ever, it just eats away at you. Supposedly he ended it after I found out because I told him to choose either it's me or it's her and he says he chose me.. she has not called my house or his cell phone.. so I just have to try and believe that it's over. I am not willing to share my husband with any other woman. thanks for your advice I do appreciate. I really feel for any one in my situation or a similiar one.
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Wow, this is a really interesting thread. It makes sense...
cj1988 Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I was the same way after my H and the EA...... I wanted him like I did in the beginning, mostly because I realized I should have been that way more and second because I felt rejected and in competition, not like before when he thought of ONLY me, his W as he should. It NOW makes me sick to think how desperate I looked, he was the cheater and I was all over him....that is just f---- up ! Now, I do not give a crap about what he does or who he does, as long as it is not me ! I am exhausted and drained, cannot give anymore !
trifecta Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 oohhh Curm. personal bias out of it-if couples are in engaging in (exceptional) marital post affair romps( with their spouses) then they have have a better prospect of marital recovery. if intamacy is lost-as it does in/prior to an affair-reclaim. Noubt wrong with loving somebody-none of us were given a handbook. Tri
outofdarkness Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Why is it that I feel more sexuallly attracted to my husband since his affair? does anyone else feel the same? IDK..but I felt the same way..I never really did understand it. The only thing I could even guess was that it was sort of like watching a porn movie in my head, as twisted as that sounds. I kept imagining my H w/ the OW's and it was very painful, but this other feeling popped up too. It was sort of embarrasing...
twice_shy Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Why is it that I feel more sexuallly attracted to my husband since his affair? does anyone else feel the same? In the case of my ex-wife, I didn't feel anything for her after finding out. She was dead to me as far as I was concerned.
herenow Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I found this on another site: Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.
Trimmer Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding." I would agree with that, right down to the description. In the case of my ex-wife, I didn't feel anything for her after finding out. She was dead to me as far as I was concerned. Once I realized and accepted it was over, which took some time, then it all switched off.
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