Benjy Bronk Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Hi I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman I met online. we've been together for a few months and have known each other for years. She lives in America and I live in the UK.. we plan on living together over here and getting married soon. We've had a few problems, things I feel are to do with having mostly text-based communication: misunderstandings, not realizing the emotions behind things at times, and realities getting far apart at times. Everything is going really well right now. ------------------- I came online an hour ago or so to see if she was around. She wasn't. I looked through her forum posts (at a place we both hang out at) to see what was going on with her today, and see a post talking about fetishes. She talks about how in the past with her ex she was into handcuffing, blindfolding, biting etc.. I like that she is into trying sex things.. but reading her post made me >.< As soon as I read it (and I only like skimmed it til I realised what it was about) I felt that horrible sinking dulled panic. Why do I feel jealous and possessive over sth in her past before we were together? ------------------ In the past I have been through this in other relationships. They'll mention sth to do with their sexual past and it makes me feel jealous as hell and almost as if I have been cheated on. In the past I have ended up telling them how it makes me feel and then they say that I am giving them rules or censuring them or forcing my insecurities on them.. I feel that I have not gone in the right way in dealing with my issue. ------------------ I do know that she did nothing wrong.. of course. I do know she did nothing wrong in our relationships or its boundaries. I know that this is completely me and some messed up thoughts-feelings thing in my head. I feel like hell right now. I know she loves me and she wants to marry me and live with me. She is my fiancee and I feel soooooo lucky to have what we have. ------------------ I just wonder if any of you have any advice that can help me with this kind of issue?
sally4sara Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 A large part of love is acceptance. Sometimes its the hardest part, but you got to be able to do it. Everything that she has done has been little parts of what makes her "her". You approve of everything about her or you wouldn't enjoy being with her enough to plan your life with her.
TMichaels Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Benjy Bronk, Everyone has a past, and in most cases that past involves previous relationships. It's inevitable that somehow/sometime references to past significant others will come up. From your comments, I am assuming the kind of play she described she has had is something you two haven't engaged in. Doesn't mean you can't at some point -- but it also doesn't mean you should be jealous. The time to be jealous and upset is if you suggested the two of you engage in the behavior and she refuses to do it with you. Don't get me wrong, I am not encouraging you to set up some sort of test to see if she "really loves you" by engaging the behavior with you. I am just trying to point out that there's not a legitimate reason to be jealous or upset with her when her past is something that was never a part of your relationship. Hope this helps, TMichaels
Author Benjy Bronk Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 sally: I love how you put that. Acceptance is sth I have thoguht a lot about, like in relation to buddhism stuff.. btu I had not really applied to the relationship I guess. TMichaels: In my mind I believe what you say.. I dont know why I get the feelings I do :/ thankyou ......... Im talking with her online atm.. In the past she had told me that her ex recommended hiphop but she didnt get into it.. then when I had recommended it she got into it and loved it. She told me it must be cos she trusts my judgement and stuff more than him and made it sound romantic. Just now.. she has told me that she is going to buy a book recomened to here from a guy she knows online. This book is bascially the same stuff (NLP) as stuff I had recoemmned to her in the past. She had been scared by it.. but from him she decided to get into it. Also, he happens to be a different ex of hers and he has made it clear he has intentions of winningher back and that he has feelings for her and they talk a lot. I felt the horrible jealousy/possessive feel again :< I know this situation is retarded. It doesnt mean she loves him or that she doesnt love me. I know that she has doen nothing wrong. I dont know how to stop how I feel with all these things, and I hate being so retardedly jealous >.<
j_hunt_12 Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Yeah I really felt like that too in past relationships and dating even. I just never wanted a serious relationship with someone with any major sexual past or really any sexual past at all. There were some great girls really, but I just had a hard time thinking about them in past relationships. I knew that I shouldn't feel like that, but I always did. It was a major issue for me and something I never really got over, but think I could have, had I met the right girl at the right time, although it would not have been easy for me. I grew up in a very conservative family, so that had something to do with it I'm sure. But anyways, now I have a girlfriend who had never even kissed a guy before me. So that is not even an issue, but I got really really lucky, because she's actually very cool and normal. Very rare to find a cool girl like that at my age. But I wouldn't even recommend it really. Most girls with no past are very scary; not all, but most. But in those past almost relationships I had, I would always try as hard as I could to concentrate on the present. Concentrate on the girl and stay as far away from her past as I could. It sucks you ran into that, but it happens and you'll probably get over it with time. Jealousy is always a problem in relationships. But this one really is not her fault and just try to remember that.
Recommended Posts