My Head and My Heart are Imploding.

[jdeedee]

I'm a mess, and I am covering it up pretty well but I am a mess regardless.

 

Today was okay I guess but it really so really wasn't. I didn't think classes would be as rough for me as they were. My first class of the day had a girl I found cute before I began dating the ex and I just couldn't stop thinking the crudest most degrading sexual thoughts about her.

 

My other two classes were just lonely. They happen to take place in the same exact rooms I had two classes and used to IM with my ex a year and a half ago, the courting ritual times.

 

I had friends back then, none of them go to school with me now. Last semester was okay because I had her to support me, I am smart, really smart in school but i just feel so overwhelmed right now. I never felt so overwhelmed by school before.

 

I saw her this morning for a fleeting second and I can't stop thinking about how much I miss her, how damn sorry I am for breaking off what we had. I know that it wasn't only my fault we ended. I mean I know that to be the truth, she wasn't supportive of me, not fully.

 

but I can't help but feel like she was right. I was wrong so many times and i have only just begun to realise them now. Small things like an argument we had where she said "We talked about this before" and I denied it totally. at the time I didn't think we had discussed it before and you know what, today I remembered we did.

 

Just writing the word argument reminds me of how I always thought we were fighting when she didn't think we were. I always said we were fighting are arguing and she said she wasn't fighting, it was me fighting. What was wrong with me? Why was I always fighting with her? Why couldn't I be happy with what I have, I had to go and throw it down the garbage shoot.

 

This weekend has been bitterly hard for me. Her birthday, school beginning. I miss her, I miss us, I miss I miss I miss so much it makes me sick to my stomach. Most people can move on, why can't I learn to let go? She let go of me.

 

Update: This is just tearing at me deep in my soul, I don't know how to find closure with this. I don't want to make contact with her, I miss her so deeply and I am too scared to deal with the rejection I feel in my gut from any contact I'd make with her. I've been doing all the right things, eating, sleeping well, exercise, keeping busy, playing my music, but I still miss her so damn much. i have anger at myself for the breakup and I am so damn lonely.

Edited January 22, 2008 by jdeedee

[carrotgirl]

JDD,

 

This is an imploding free zone. There is to be no imploding, exploding, fragmenting, collapsing or lots of other ings. You must try to concentrate some on school. Garbage chute and not shoot but methinks this was perhaps Freudian.

 

Deep breaths and know that somewhere you made someone smile. I imagine GD thinks some of these thoughts and the way you wrote them made them so clear. You have a way of writing from your pain that makes me think. Thank you for sharing that.

 

Please try to get some schoolwork done?

 

Carrot

[jdeedee]

Thanks for the reply carrot. I am trying it's just been a hard, hard day. Seeing her had this effect of "AHH" to me. I mean I knew she existed without me and hell I had seen her once before but it's been so long, and even if it was a fleeting second it made me wonder and think all these things.

 

She saw me, I think, what did she think? It reminded me how lonely I am, it reminded me that I will never have her back, never get to be with her, get to be in her, love her, kiss her, wake up and hug her in the morning.

 

I made such a mistake breaking up with her and it's slowly resonating throughout me. Maybe things will get better with time, I'm sure they will.

 

It's just so hard to knowyou made a huge mistake and there is nothing you can do to change it. We all know well that chasing after an ex is an exercise in futility

[Always Wrong]

Snap out of it JDD... you're dwelling on negative thoughts and rationalizing her point of view. It's like an alcoholic rationalizing having another drink. You must fight the demon. Quit sipping on that jug of memories...( that's a terrible analogy, but you know what I mean ) I know it's tough.

 

Read No Foolins' original post again, from "coping"... "Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk"

 

Hang in there!

[CalamitousJane]

Hey JDD, it's so tough, and I'm so sorry. Some days are just awful, and there's no way to "snap out of it" emotionally, you just need to go through it. As long as you don't let your emotions talk you into some kind of foolish contact, you'll be just fine. And it sounds like you've got that under control.

 

Sometimes I think there's a certain amount of crying that just needs to get done. A million tear-drops or something. If seeing her today helped you drain another couple thousand, that's a good thing, right?

 

I know it was impossible to believe at first, but it will get better, A couple months ago I couldn't imagine wanting to wake up next to anyone but him. Now I'm starting to imagine it.

 

I expect you'll find out that your heart's not completely broken, just badly bruised.

[jdeedee]

Thank you so much for your kind words Calamitous, you have no idea how much they helped.

 

In the end I really know it's true, I will move on and this will one day all be but a memory, but I can't help but not want that. I really truly do love her and regret so much my behaviour, I can't believe I let her go and I kick myself in the rear every time I realise how much of a fool I was.

 

I wish I had the guts and strength to keep contacting her but I truly don't. I know I didn't do as much as many people would have liked me to do if I did want a second chance, but I also know my ex and have seen her turn a colder shoulder than I could ever believe on people.

 

It is that rejection I am so scared of. I broke it off with her (though sometimes I doubt I even did, perhaps it was mutual? I was the one who said it was over but she gave me an ultimatum of sorts). Anyway the last I heard from her regarding our relationship she wanted to know if I hated her, I said no, she said she didn't hate me and even if I didn't think she did she did enjoy being with me.

 

That was that, we saw each other once after, to exchange holiday gifts, I hugged her goodbye, she was cold to me then and hasn't responded to any attempts on my part since (one email apology and a birthday card). I want her to have fond memories of me, I don't want to be another guy who she had to ignore.

 

It's so hard to realise you've lost someone so special. I am sure I will move on but she will always be the one who got away.

[Ocean-Blue]

jdeedee, I'm very sorry you're hurting like this. I can't imagine what it feels like... I'm scared out of my mind that I may join you sooner than later. My relationship has been (as you know) going down the proverbial drain too...

 

I don't really have much advice to give you except to say, HANG ON! Don't let your emotions control you or your thoughts. You are a rational human being...focus on the reasons why you two just didn't work. You've made attempts to try to reconcile or at least foster a more positive relationship/friendship and she has not responded. The ball is in her court to resume a friendship. All you can do is allow yourself to heal and move on.

 

Don't allow these feelings to tear you apart. You are stronger than feelings and memories. Don't let them pull you down into this pit of despair.

 

That said, if this break up is fresh...then maybe crazy, intense bawling time coupled with misery is just the thing you need. Sometimes, I think, it's good to really feel the pain - to let it all out. It's easier to move forward that way.

 

But remember, don't wallow for too long. The rational side of you KNOWS that you will overcome this...it's just a matter of time. So really, you decide how long you want to feel this pain...

[CalamitousJane]

In the end I really know it's true, I will move on and this will one day all be but a memory, but I can't help but not want that.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I struggle with that too. It's like I made some kind of internal commitment to him that I keep holding myself to, even though he apparently has no such commitment to me. I wish it could be a fairy-tale kind of happy ending for both you and me, where the slumbering prince(ss) is wakened by our undying devotion. Unfortunately, statistics seem to show that undying devotion in one person doesn't necessarily cause awakening in another. In fact, awakening seems to occur more commonly as a result of pain. Which is why I believe that we who are suffering now will understand in retrospect that it was a blessing.

 

When I described the pain in my heart to a friend of mine she said something that I've held close ever since. What she said, and what I know is true, is that the pain in my heart is MINE. It's not caused by him, it's caused my my own desire and capacity to connect and love. The pain is strong because my desire to love is so strong. And feeling so much tenderness toward my ex shows that my capacity for love is growing stronger every day.

 

The ability to love that you and I are learning will enrich our lives forever, no matter what.

[jdeedee]

Thanks again for all the words of support. It looks like my days are going to start off just f'ing great every day. It's going to be a morning ritual, seeing her walk by the window and it sucks so much.

 

I get to see her walk by without giving me a second glance, pass right by the window, no wave no smile just a quick glance and walk on.

 

Why does she have to be so cold to me? What is it in her nature that she just shut me out of her life. I wasn't that horrible a boyfriend I know I wasn't. I didn't hit her, I wasn't abusive, I told her and showed her I loved her.

 

I know I bring up a lot of the negatives a lot of times, how I was always picking fights and upset and yada, but I was a good boyfriend I know I was and I know I showed her I treasured her. It just hurts that she really is done with me, shut me out, I'm not even a memory to her. I'm that guy in the office she passes for two seconds in the morning. Not the guy that one time was going to be her husband, father of her kids whatever. I'm just some guy behind a desk she doesn't see.

[Always Wrong]

Oh man, I didn't know you had to see her every day at work. Even if only for a second, that must be terribly hard. I don't think I could do it.

 

You're a bigger... better man the I, JDD.

 

AW

Edited January 24, 2008 by Always Wrong

[tikster]

hey i don't know exactly what happened between you guys, but i can say that you do exist to her. my ex and i broke up over a year ago and it was a hard relationship, break up, reconciliation, break up, break up etc u get the picture. he had trouble admitting or even tryin to have a stable relationship. so i went away to college and i am and was extremely cold to him and told him to never talk to me, but you know what...my feelings never just disappeared, i think about him everyday and miss the hell out of him and i replay every moment in me head over and over. its just that he made everything so hard (not to say u were a bad bf to her) that i had to protect myself, ya know?

 

she doesn't want to look weak and i'm not sure how she handles break ups but if u just read all these posts you see that people have to force themselves to at least look like they are happy. i'm not sure if i explained it correctly, but hopefully u get the picture and know that i'm sure that she hasn't forgotten you. maybe w time u guys will talk again and if not, keep the good memories.

[jdeedee]

Thank you guys for the support. Thank you.

[Ocean-Blue]

Thank you guys for the support. Thank you.

 

Hope you're doing a bit better today!

[jdeedee]

I'm really trying, it's been rough with her having not called yet etc, but I am trying to keep busy and I have to be optimistic she will get back to me eventually.

[Always Wrong]

Don't forget, when you watch the pot, it seems to take forever to boil.

But if you distract yourself for a minute, it's boiling over before you know it.

[jdeedee]

Mornings are hard. By the afternoon I have tomorrow to look forward to, I can wait it out and say, "She didn't call me back today but tomorrow she might." ... it's tomorrow now and I still haven't heard from her

 

She didn't walk by the window today either, I should be okay with that -- yesterday it's what tore me up but instead I'm upset a little. I just need to keep myself occupied because this constant obsession with when she will get back to me is destroying me.

[Always Wrong]

Hey man, I really hate seeing you tear yourself up like this.

[jdeedee]

Thanks for the support AW, I'm actually doing a lot better now. Mornings are just hard (like I said earlier )

 

I'm actually pretty optimistic about it all right now.

[Always Wrong]

Excellent... now I feel better too.

My ex called out of the blue today to see how I was doing. She sounded good... happy and optimistic and all that, but she was one of the very best bullsh*tters I've ever known. So it's really hard to know for sure. I'd have to see her to really tell. Her eyes are the giveaway.

 

Not likely I'll do that to myself again, any more than I'll start drinking again like I use to. The pain just doesn't outweigh the pleasure.

[jdeedee]

I don't know whats taking my ex so long to get back to me but I have to believe she will. She is not some heartless woman out to hate me she did love me and I know she is just figuring out what to say before calling me back. I think the phone call came out of left field for her.

 

I am fully ready to fight for her.

[Always Wrong]

Sometimes I hear the women say it wasn't till he stopped looking for me, or it wasn't till I saw him with someone else that I realized how much I miss him. You're feeling that right now.

[jdeedee]

Do you mean by seeing her the last few days?

[CalamitousJane]

I think what AlwaysWrong means, is now you need to back way off energetically, so she can feel the vacuum that your lack of attention makes. It's why NC so often has an effect on the person who's more out of the relationship.

 

Now is the time to focus on everyone BUT her. Hang out with friends go new places, take up karate or knitting or something equally complex and time-consuming. Do anything you can to remove your mind from her.

 

At least you might end up with a cool new hobby!

[jdeedee]

Fair enough. I've been busy making plans in general to try and keep my mind off her, I am going to the city tomorrow which should be fun.

 

You guys think that energetically people can somehow know when their ex is thinking of them? I mean I have zero intention of contacting her if she doesn't me.

[Always Wrong]

Do you mean by seeing her the last few days?

I meant that she isn't even looking at you for a second when she passes by, and you indicated... I thought , that she was seeing someone. So that's a double bash to the heart. It's painful to see your ex every day. It must be ten times as bad when she won't even make eye contact with you.

 

I'm checking on you every morning when I get up. It's 6:15am right now.

I'm also trying to drop in after work too, to see how you're doing.

 

And CalamitousJane hit it right on the nose!

 

If she sees you having fun and not paying any attention to her, and especially if she sees you with someone else, that's when she will call. But don't dump the new girl and go running back, or she'll drop you like a hot potato, the new girl and the old one, and you'll end up with nothing.

Edited January 26, 2008 by Always Wrong