redgirl688 Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 (edited) Hello all. My relationship with MM began over a year ago. We were both on the same assignment, we became friends, then lovers. I knew before our relationship became intimate that MM was very unhappy at home. He told me that if they had no child he would have divorced W years ago. Basic complaint was no sex, no intimacy, no communication - that he felt like while W loved him she really didn't LIKE him.He had tried to get her into counseling several times over the years but she did not want to "air their dirty laundry" to a stranger. Our situation became quite serious but about 6 months into it I realised that he would not leave his daughter (and wife for that matter) and broke it off. He agreed that while his feelings for me were intense, I deserved more than he could give and again stated that if he were to get out of the marriage it would be when daughter was older (she's 3 now). We didn't speak for two months - then he called and we started talking again. Yes of course eventually the relationship started again in Sept of last year. To say that we missed each other terribly is an understatement. Unlike other A I read about we were very open - we went everywhere out to dinner, concerts bars - he often stayed at my house until 2 or 3 in the morning before going home - he stated that his wife would not approve of an A but that she really didn't care what he did. I felt that sooner rather than later he would leave the marriage anyway. Fast forward to December - we got busted. Not literally, but I think W had been suspecting for a long time and finally started going through phone records for the past year. He told her that I was a woman that he had become close friends with and had confided in, but that we were not having an affair - she told him she wanted a divorce. she called me and I refused to talk to her. At the same time this opened up the closed communication between the two of them and she told him that she had almost called their wedding off (married 6 years) because she felt that they were not compatible, but married anyway. Also stated that she felt huge resentment toward him for 5 YEARS because of a a move that they had to make, addtionally is not sexually attracted to him and as miserable as she has been in the relationship took a religious vow (catholic) and has stood by her vows. MM told her that he refuses to be miserable any more - but feels that they owe it to their daughter and themselves to get counseling. TOld her if things didn't change they would definately divorce. I have been out of town with MM twice since this happened. We have discussed our relationship at length - he is in love with me and told me he has thought daily for a year what life would be like if we could be together. Has since changed his mind about staying for the child - feels that he deserves to be happy too. MM and wife have not see each other basically for 4 weeks as he is out of town. I was with him last weekend and had to ask why he would even think of staying with someone who told him the things she said. He said that while not in love with her, he loves her and is willing to try counseling to see if there is any possiblity of saving the marriage, but that if she refused to go or if the loveless, sexless marriage remained he's divorcing. I am trying to let things take their natural course without undo influence - but am I heartless because I don't understand why someone would stay in this situation???? Is it ridiculous to think one would not choose love over obligation? He is returning home his weekend and they will have the first opportunity to discuss everything face to face. I get it....if he really wants to be with me......he'll be with me....any advice out there? Edited January 23, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 You have to let him go so he can give his marriage a chance of working out. FOR his child's sake. HE is in the wrong if he is sneaking off to be with you meanwhile he's trying to recapture something with his wife. You are enabling him to continue this behaviour too, by not telling him goodbye. You have no control over his situation, but you DO have control over what you DO and how you handle your life. If you're unhappy, fed up and don't want to be the OW, then break it off with him, go NC and tell him to call you when the divorce is final. Until then, you won't see/speak or be his friend anymore. It isn't fair to his child, let alone his wife. He more than likely has told his wife you are no longer in the picture and he doesn't want to be with you..LIE!! Because of that, you don't know for sure if he is telling you the truth either. What do you want? To one day be his wife, or to stay as the OW? Or do you want to walk away, and heal.
bentnotbroken Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I think the one thing that you have to realize is you are hearing one side of a story. It maybe true, but it also maybe not quite the way he portrays it to be. And for some people obligation is a very important part of who they are. It is part of a promise, you know, your word is your bond. It sounds as if you need to step back and decide what you are expecting and what you are willing to put up with. I believe he is a cakeeater, but my opinion is colored by my own experiences.
quankanne Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 and you need to let him do this ("try counseling to see if there is any possibility of saving the marriage") so he can honestly say he did his best before walking away from his marriage. Because as much as he may care for you, he also cares about her, and his fixing marriage should be his priority. If it works, fantastic; if it doesn't, he doesn't have "what if I had tried harder" hanging over his head. At least that is my idea of what a good man/woman would do before calling the marriage off ... as for what should you do? Just walk away and give yourself some breathing room. If he is meant to be with you, he'll find a way to do it honorably, not sneaking around on his wife and promising the both of you things that he can't provide. You – and his wife – deserve something better than half a life, and he definitely needs the chance to give it his best before throwing in the towel.
Author redgirl688 Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Thi is the best advice thank you. I do see from your point of view probably why he is pushing for counseling instead of jumping ship. Will step out of the picture and let him figure out what he is going to do.
quankanne Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 will send positive thoughts & prayers your way – I can't imagine this is easy, but your decision is an honorable one. hugs, quank
Babybird Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 I'm just curious what is going on now? Did you step back? Have the two of you talked? You are doing the right thing. I bet it is awful and hard and I wish you extra strength. This situation really made me want to be a fly on the wall in their house. If they are willing to try what does that say? Is it really for the child or is it because the still have feelings for each other? I bet you have asked yourself these same questions and the answers you received probably weren't easy to hear....even when coming from your own mind.
sapphire0903 Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 IMO, it sounds as if he is not interested in his marriage, and if the W is truly not interested, the counseling that they owe to their daughter is how to build a relationship in co-parenting. If there is no question, one or both does not want to salvage the marriage, then the child will be better off "coming from a broken home, rather than living in one" There is not any room for the OW when a family decides to do this......step away, ....for how long,......try to use your best judgement, and put the child/ren first.
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