my lesson in NC

[ThatBlackCoat]

Sorry, I know this is long and detailed, cliffs notes are at the bottom:

 

 

My ex broke up with me after three months of playing boyfriend/girlfriend and this has been the most difficult parting of ways I’ve experienced. In early December, just before our month long winter break, she told me she wasn’t feeling attracted to me anymore, but she was willing to stay together to try to work it out. I used this vacation as an opportunity to break some behavior patterns and get myself in a state of mind to be more sensitive to her-and give her the space she seemed to need(I vacationed in San Francisco, she went home to Seattle, we go to school in Oregon).

 

She was obviously unhappy about the way things were going and I was unhappy with who I was at the time. I had slipped into a depression sometime during the relationship and I was working my way out of it just as winter break approached. I was to stay with her family in Seattle for a week during the new year and expected our fire to be rekindled after I dealt with my issues and gave her space.

 

I couldn’t have been more wrong. I showed up at her place and was greeted with a near complete lack of enthusiasm, which I dismissed at the time to her being tired. The week was agonizing-I tried to be pleasant, but her family seemed busy and generally uninterested in meeting the new boyfriend. I just felt so awkward around them that I spent much of my time sequestered in their basement studying for lack of anything else to entertain myself with. Also, X remained distant and generally unaffectionate aside from the one time we had passionless, mechanical sex…it felt to me as if she thought she owed me some physical gratification for my troubles. The night before we were to leave for Oregon together, she spent the entire afternoon, night, and even some of the next morning out with her friends and said I wasn’t invited even though I told her I wanted to do something special too if only for a small amount of her time. Needless to say, I packed up all my things and was about to leave with my damaged pride without announcement, but she came back and we talked instead and I was disarmed. Nothing had been resolved and she stood by her lack of attraction to me.

 

I just hoped I could get her back. She broke up with me shortly after we returned nearly three weeks ago and it didn’t register. She said she needed to see me as a friend and to let things develop from there. I should’ve started immediate NC, but I felt I had gone through addressing my personal issues during our break and that she needed a chance to see those changes when things were back to normal in Oregon. We kept seeing each other during the next week as if we were still dating: going to dinner, spending the night, even having sex again, this time with some spontaneity and excitement.

 

The day after our romp though, we agreed that being intimate was not conducive to being friends and agreed to not let it happen if we weren’t dating. That same night, I had a party at my place and X proceeded to get drunk and high and invited some guy over and seemed overly concerned that he got there alright. I was suspicious immediately and rightly so, for during the whole night they were all over each other-tons of physical comfort with each other, lots of playing around, but no kissing or anything….I was pissed, had my roommate kick the douche out when X was distracted and I walked her home. She was wondering where Douche was the whole time and wouldn’t understand how I could be upset by the evening, pissing me off to the point where I screamed at her to never see/contact me again(which felt horrible).

 

She called the next day and we agreed things shouldn’t have ended so harshly, but she wouldn’t own up to anything she did and I accepted that because I still wanted her. Last week Monday I initiated NC, saying I just needed a week or so off to get right and she accepted it readily….until she contacted me Wednesday to call on me for a favor to take in her pet rat which wasn’t allowed in the dorm. I obliged foolishly; I was going out of town for the weekend and said she could watch my cats and her rat at my place while I was gone. Come Wednesday evening, I’m talking to X’s roommate and she tells me Douche spent the night in their room. I decided I didn’t want X anywhere near my place, much less have access to my bed(the thought horrified me) so I told her I’d board the cats and she needed to take her rat back. She came over crying, saying everyone’s talking about her and she wants to leave and go home or anywhere else but here. I caved, let her take the rat to be boarded w/the cats, spent some time together hanging out at my place, then I left for my weekend with friends.

 

The whole weekend I must’ve been miserable and whiny company, but my friends were very understanding and helped me have some good times and work through things. So with this new foundation and confidence I returned to school and the first thing I did was go to a ******* movie w/X! Then I talked at her afterwards about my feelings, just frustrating and boring her. The night ended on a happy note with us playing around, but it was bittersweet for me for I still wanted more.

 

It’s just ridiculous how twisted I’ve become over this girl. I’ve been in much longer and more serious failed relationships involving engagement, miscarriage and cheating before and I never put myself through the meat grinder all on my own like this. I’m done with it: I’m returning her rat and her things and initiating NC for good today. Let the healing begin.

 

 

Cliffs Notes: Girl broke up with me. I lost self respect in repeatedly choosing to pursue her instead of listening to EVERYONE(including you, LS), even my better judgment telling me to break it off. Commence NC.

Edited January 22, 2008 by ThatBlackCoat

[ThatBlackCoat]

update:

 

Instead of initiating NC last night, we talked, argued a bit, then went to an arcade and had fun. I barely slept all night and felt miserable as usual that she didn't want me as I wanted her, so I met her at her dorm this afternoon with her rat and other belongings.

 

I told her I needed space and I needed her to take her rat. It didn't go well at all: she kept saying nasty things so I told her to get out of my car(we were outside her building) but she wouldn't leave. Finally she closed with "I had a few good times during our relationship, but if I knew it would end like this, I never would have dated you"

 

good lord

 

Am I crazy?

Edited January 24, 2008 by ThatBlackCoat

[fabulousgal]

no you aren't crazy.

 

she is manuplative and trying to use you but not be your gf. she likes having control over you.

 

this thing is toxic, its like britney, bi-polar and everyone sees your hoo-ha's sticking out but you.

 

you are crazy if you don't end the madness. she treated you like crap when you came to her house. she sounds like a tool

[mav100]

I agree.. This woman is talking you for a ride, and you are letting her do it. Cut the cord now, and keep it cut. If she wants you, she needs to work for it if she is playing these kind of games. If she doesn't work for it, cut your losses.

[Racquel Colette]

Moral of the Story: Never date a girl who owns a pet rat.

[Fandabby]

Moral of the Story: Never date a girl who owns a pet rat.

 

lolololol!

[ThatBlackCoat]

Haha, I hear ya about the rat; she didn't get it til we came back from Seattle though, otherwise I would've been concerned at the get go.

 

Anyhoo, a lil bit of an update:

 

Thursday, she contacted me to arrange pickup and return of the rat for a vet visit. Pickup went fine with no conversation, though she looked pale and terribly sad. She returned with the rat and lingered, playing with my cats and taking pictures of them like she'd never get to see them again(backstory: I've been wanting a dog for a while, but my place isn't suitable for one. She loved cats and convinced me to adopt 2 kittens from the shelter-she loves them loads more than she ever did me). She was looking pretty pathetic and had been walking around in the cold, so I gave her some of the food I had just made. We made small talk and at one point she even suggested I move to the dorms(which I saw as an attempt to keep me around). Eventually I became uncomfortable, finding myself thinking of addressing the situation between us, so I put on my shoes and said I was heading out, putting an end to the situation.

 

Later that night, she called me with the same old story of needing me for a favor and that she had tried everyone else and I was her absolute last resort. The town we're in is small and she needed a ride to a bigger town (1/2 hour one way) to get a different cage to put the rat in for her flight back home. I was flabbergasted that she was calling me like this and could only think to say I'd call her back in a bit. Meanwhile, as I thought through the situation, she proceeded to call me 6 times-the 7th time I accidentally picked up and told her no, but that she should check out a pet store that was pretty much across the street from her dorm. She pressed me for the name of the place so she could call them; neither I nor anyone around could remember and my tone became more annoyed as she kept pressing for it. She obviously sensed this, backed off and we ended our chat.

 

Fast forward to this(Friday) morning:

She calls me freaking out, begging me for a ride to the airport, her flight was going to leave in 2 hours. Her roommate agreed to drive her, but she said the roommate must have bailed. I said no, I'm not driving, call a cab. She said she was out of money, that she had spent it all on the rat. She was already on her way over to pick up the rat, so something had to happen. She arrives, is very distressed, crying, looking like she's about to have an asthma attack, just pitiful. I told her to calm down, gave her a puff of an inhaler I had and called the cab company to arrange for them to pick her up. I drove her back, gave her cab fare, wished a safe trip and that was it.

 

I haven't initiated any contact since I said I needed space. If she tries to get ahold of me again in any way before I'm ready(which I obviously still am not), then I will tell her very bluntly not to contact me again.

 

Maybe I should change my name to ThatDoorMat ;-)

 

Anyway, regardless of my recent concessions to her, I'm feeling a lot better about things. I let myself get into the situation and it has opened my eyes to things I can improve on and things to watch out for. As far as I'm concerned, that chapter of my life that involved her is closed and I am already back to devoting time to pursuing my interests and other potential relationships. One bad relationship isn't the end of the world.

Edited January 26, 2008 by ThatBlackCoat

[ALoversTwist]

My gf who had a pet rat before just broke up with me a few days ago lol

[ThatBlackCoat]

It's been 9 days since last contact and I'm still working my way out of the mire towards terra firma. At first, I talked to basically every person I'm close to about this and I can't say enough how helpful that's been in getting me through this. Thoughts of her still pepper my days though, and at times the intensity of the urge to contact her surprises me.

 

Just this morning I checked facebook for the first time in a couple weeks and let's just say I really wish now that it wouldn't send me headlines on whatever my friends do on their own pages. She had a couple updates, both of them saying that she's been stuck in her room and is bored, lonely and sad...one of them in french, the other in russian for whatever reason. First, this made me feel good in some perverse way-I had gotten to her-I actually made her feel something! This quickly gave way to my urge to comfort her or contact her in some way, which I immediately shot down by remembering all the frustration I put myself through before NC. Soon enough, my gut feeling of keeping NC was vindicated when I noticed a comment she made on a picture of me calling me a name . How silly.

 

Who knows how she's actually handling this-if she's even worked up because of me-if she'd acknowledge it if she was-or if she even knows herself. Whatever. I've really been making big strides toward certain goals I previously had on the backburner. Heck, I just got front page pictures in 2 newspapers last week just by kicking my butt out of the house rather than moping around.

 

This week's lesson: to get over a relationship, it helps to get all the pent up feelings out(not to the X) and to do things that make one feel good about themselves. It's so easy to underestimate how resilient we are sometimes.

Edited February 3, 2008 by ThatBlackCoat