PinkRibbon Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I have a questions and I need some brutal honesty from everyone. I know everyone will tell me the truth. I am finding myself stuck in an emotional rut and I need a shove. It has been 3 and a half months since I moved out and 4 months since my husband left me. I honestly don't know if he has someone else because I have not snooped around to find out but all the red flags were there pointing towards him having someone on the back burner. We have spoken 4 times. 3 times were just gosh awful with him being hateful and and just plain ugly. The 4th was a short email about some mail of mine that came to the house about 2 weeks ago. I responded very polite and upbeat with no begging or groveling, I mentioned that i was busy latelyso it took me a few days to find time to responde (2 days )and even included something funny about someone who sent me flowers that day and how I actually thought for a second it may have been him. I included a few smiley faces but over all the email was maybe 8 sentences long. No I love you's just take care of yourself. Since I moved out he has gone to the doctor 9 times. And since the last week of November he has gone once a week. I don't know what for and I am not asking but I just have a little birdie that told me about this but I don't ask what for I just say I hope he is ok. ( and every week this months so I have lost count.) Ok I know long and drawn out. Sigh.....question....Since he has made no contact with me that shows any concern I can pretty much conclude that any hope of him coming around to work things out and stay married are zip...nada...nothing. I should quit hoping that maybe one day he will see what he lost and want to be a family again? And I should stop thinking that since he is going to the dr so much that it does not mean he is sick because he misses me? The chances of us getting back together are pretty much like the chances of me wimming the lottery? Thanks guys! I know the answers but I need reinforcement I think!
quankanne Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 my first concern – whether you get back together or not – would be about his health, and as someone who has spent the past several years caring for him, I don't think it'd be out of the question if you expressed your concern for him if he's indeed having problems. It could also be the reason why he's been treating the way he has, he could be scared of what's happening and his subconscious is telling him to push you away so you don't have to suffer either. I wouldn't bet money on this being the case if you have no idea otherwise of what's going on with him. be honest with him and tell him that you're concerned about his health, and do your best not to try to push reconciliation, even if that's your heart's desire. My guess is that he's going to have a grudging respect for you that you've managed to separate your concern from your wants ... meanwhile, keep treating this as though the marriage is over unless he otherwise gives clear signals that it's not. Because like I said, he might develop a grudging respect if you're able to keep your concern separate from everything else.
ninjaturtles Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 In a rush now, so have to be very brief. The advice I have for you is this...keep hoping but dont be expectant. I know that might sound contradictory, but the truth is 4 months is not that long...I know married people who have gotten back together after about 1 year, 8 months, even 2 years. The advice I would give you is this...' Look foward, dont expect anything, aim to get over him etc. However, anything could happen..its ironic but they only come back when we are over them...Its so strange. Anyway, I am in a rush but just wanted to post out something for you to read. Anything could happen, keep doing what you are doing..i.e not pleading, grovelling etc. He may come bak, he may not..bt dont wait or be expectant. xxxx
Author PinkRibbon Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Thanks guys for your answers. I am concerned about his health but I am afraid to say anything because he will just chew me up and spit me out. I am tried of being chewed on so I won't say anything but just little prayers that it is nothing serious. But I never even thought that maybe he is angry because of his health issues? Hmmm something for me to think about. I will keep wishing but I won't expect. I like that answer. Meakes me feel like I can leave the door open but I don't have to stand there holding the door. I know he won't be back because I just know him. How could one man who makes me feel so at peace with the world could also be the man who makes me hate the world more than anything. Such a razor we live on.
Author PinkRibbon Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Another day sitting here wondering what he is doing. I can not wait to get out of this mode of thinking. I want to stop thinking about him and wondering what he is doing. Wonder if he will call, wonder if he will email, wonder if he cares? A big fat "no he doesn't" is resounding in my head. Life bites on days like this. How in the world can someone to this to their wife? I just don't get it and never will.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I don't know why husbands do the things they do to their wives. If I had the answer I think I'd be rich.
Author PinkRibbon Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 I wish I had the answer also.
american-woman Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Why did he leave you? and you leave him???????????
Author PinkRibbon Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 He left me because he says he is not in love with me anymore. One day he loved me and the next he didn't.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 There's some other people on here dealing with the same "not in love" with the person anymore issue. I don't really understand the sudden 180, but sadly it seems to happen.
Woggle Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Why do you even want him back? If you were single and imagine the type of man you would want would it be a man that treated you this way? He is not worth tearing yourself up over.
Author PinkRibbon Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Why do you even want him back? If you were single and imagine the type of man you would want would it be a man that treated you this way? He is not worth tearing yourself up over. Honestly I want him back because I love him and miss him. So should I just just give up and move forward? I don't want to date because IF he does come back then I would know I never cheated on him. I feel kinda stuck between wanting to move forward but still holding on to that last little bit of hope.
american-woman Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 He left me because he says he is not in love with me anymore. One day he loved me and the next he didn't. When a spouse acts like this there is another person in the relationship You need to do some digging
Woggle Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Honestly I want him back because I love him and miss him. So should I just just give up and move forward? I don't want to date because IF he does come back then I would know I never cheated on him. I feel kinda stuck between wanting to move forward but still holding on to that last little bit of hope. Yes you should just give up and move on. If he can't appreciate a woman that actually values commitment and love which is not a easy find these days he is not worth it. His OW will probably end up dumping him so karma will take care of him.
Author PinkRibbon Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Thanks guys for the imput. I hope his Karma turns around and bites a big chunk out of his butt.
Author PinkRibbon Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Ok here it is around noon or so and all I have done all day again is work and think about him. What is he doing? Where is he going for lunch? Who is he going with? I hate days like this in fact I can pretty much say I hate my life right now. I miss him so much it hurts. So on days like this I just sit here and think and think and think. Dating another man right now is not an option because honestly I don't want to be with anyone else right now even if it is just for dinner. So I come here and read and re-read everything over and over again. I just hate the fact that I feel like I am turning belly over and running away like he told me to. I feel like I failed my marriage by just saying ok to everything he said. Don't call me...ok, don't contact me....ok, I don't love you...ok. Ok that was my venting for lunch.
Author PinkRibbon Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 I am really curious why does someone who is in a long term realtion ship just break it off and that is that? How come it is their decision? How come I didn't get a say so in this? I want to let him know I am still here and that I haven't dissappeared like he wanted. I am his wife and I will still be his wife until we file for divorce. What about me being happy? It has been 2 weeks since no contact and that was just because of a piece of mail that came to the house for me. Other wise we had went 30 days with no contact. I am getting to the point I can't be strong any longer. I can't do this and pretend everything is ok. Pretend like someone I am married to does not exist. I don't know what to do?????? I can't quit crying everyday and thinking about him everyday. I am so miserable. I really am lost as to what needs to be done. Any suggestions?
sandflea Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 I gotta go with woggle on this one. Also, maybe a nice surprise is waiting for you - just around the corner. Someone nice, kind, who values commitment, etc. Take heart - this will get better - but you really do need to take a few steps to move on.
Always Wrong Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 Pink, Earlier you said something about, "turning belly over and running away like he told you to." What? He says things like that to you, and you adore him? He sounds sort of antagonistic to me. Are you sure you aren't just addicted to him, and not really in love with him? Don't get the two mixed up.
Woggle Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 Does he really think he will find something better out there? Women such as the OP are a dying breed and if a man happens to find a woman like this he should try and make it work but instead he dates a woman who willingly went after a MM and those women usually place no vakue and love and commitment. I ask again why do you want a man who is not only selfish and shallow but is also stupid for ruining it with the only good woman he will probably find fdor a long time.
Author PinkRibbon Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 Always Wrong- He didn't say those exact words but they are pretty darn close. He is an atogonist. He would often rile me up just to get me started. But when I got to the point I couldn't take it he would get mad because I was upset then he would go for weeks holding a grudge and not having anything to do with me if he could. I never knew a man who would hold a grudge against his wife for weeks at a time. He is still mad at me for things I said 5 years ago. Even after I apologize he is still mad. Sandflea-Maybe a nice surprise would be good for me. My friend says I have this big FU sign on my forehead. She says that I am oblivious to guys turning and looking at me because I am always so intent on nobody but my husband and now they turn and see the sign. Never knew I had a flashing sign on me. So I guess I need something nice right now. Woogle-I seriously do not think he will ever find someone who loves him like I do. No one could put up with him as long as I have. No one ever has. I didn't ask for much just that he love me and respect our marriage. My husband is young woman crazy. He likes them 19-24 and working on a college campus is like sticking alcohol in front of an alcoholic. And he got another one. So I guess for him it may not matter if he had a good woman as long as he has his young girls but for me right now I am still married and really wish things had turned out different. I didn't ask for this and I don't deserve this. I don't know why I want a man who treats me like this? I don't know much of anything anymore. I know I feel lost, like part of me is missing and I cry every day wondering why he didn't love me enough. BTW what is OP?
Woggle Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Was your husband a woman in a past lifetime because he is exhibiting classic walkaway wife symptoms.
Author PinkRibbon Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 He probably was. :laugh: But what are walk away wife traits?
Woggle Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 He probably was. :laugh: But what are walk away wife traits? Resentment for minor things that happened years ago Blaming their spouse for all their unhapiness Refusing to admit their part in the marriage falling apart Anything of this sound familiar to you?
Author PinkRibbon Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 You've met my husband haven't you. Sounds just like him. The man could hold a grudge until "heck froze over". And to this day it is all my fault we split up. Nothing he ever did was wrong. His life turned to crud the day he met me. I could go on and on. So when there is a walk away wife well in my case a walk away husband...was there anything I could have done to stop this? Or anything I can do to change this?
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