Aboohoo Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Hi, I hope you can help. I had been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years - living with him for nearly all of that. Our relationship had been going ok but he used to lock himself in his computer room leaving me on my own for nearly all the night but it was clear that he still loved me. Anyway this girl who he used to talk to on msn got back in contact with him at the start of the year (they used to talk to each other intensively for a summer before i came on hte scene and i think there had been talk about him going to see her and them having feelings for each other) and since then he had been staying up all night till about 4 in hte morning 'talking' the night away. She lives in America and we're in the UK. Anyway i found some emails (yes i know i shouldnt have looked but i needed to know - i could tell something wasnt right) they were very intense, saying how much they needed each other, how much they loved each other and how much they wanted to meet. (I would like to add at this point that she too has a boyfriend) At this point i confronted him and he broke up with me, promising it had nothing to do with her. I came back home unexpectly on sunday and found he had written her a love letter saying how amazing it was now she was back in his life, how only she truely understands him and how perfect they are for each other. He's planning on going out of there so they can live out there fantasy of isiand hopping - drinking by the beach and talking the night away (she feels the same - i saw letters from her) I even found photos he had sent her - he had deliberately worn his 'coolest' clothes, put a poster of a cool band behind him and even did his hair - all so he could look 'better' than he actually is - he must he lying to her a bit. He doesnt know i saw trhe letters and photos i just got all my stuff and moved out. He has no other friends at the moment, he just works and talks to her - she is his life. He's obbessed - is it possible to fall in love with someone you have never met? (He used to be obbessed with me) Isnt it easy to be 'perfect' in IMs and emails - its not real ife! He never gave me a chance, he never talked to me. I feel so used, i gave him everything. He says he still wants to be my best friend - should i? He uses me. I did a little experiement the other night - i talked to him on msn for over a hour last night and he came across as a totally different person - friendly and chatty but in 'real' life he's not a people person, everyone says so - hes hard to get along with. Everyone has commented that he can only communicate through the computer, thats his life. Is that why this relationship works? Can he be in love? Surely if he goes over there it would be different? After the honeymoon period surely reality would hit them? Please help im distraught by his betryal. Everyone says im so better off and that they always thought he has a bit wierd, but stupidly i love him Sorry its all over the place but thats how my head is. Thanks
Ariadne Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 OMG I was craking up with this post, you are so funny!!! ~ He's planning on going out of there so they can live out there fantasy of isiand hopping - drinking by the beach and talking the night away ~ I even found photos he had sent her - he had deliberately worn his 'coolest' clothes, put a poster of a cool band behind him and even did his hair - all so he could look 'better' than he actually is ~ He has no other friends at the moment, he just works and talks to her - she is his life. He's obbessed - .... (He used to be obbessed with me) ~ I did a little experiement the other night - i talked to him on msn for over a hour last night and he came across as a totally different person
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Emotional feelings are way deeper than physical ones. So, yes, his feelings are real but the image of whom they are attached to are not. The only way to know if when they meet.
PerfectXPretty Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Thats ashame, truly it is. Its almost like he's living in this dream world. He has a good thing right infront of him & he cant see that, Well i'd not even make contact with him right now, what he did to you was wrong .. and guys dont usually realize it for a long time - if not ever. I feel bad for you, i hope you find someone who will appreciate you & be greatful for what you do. I wish you the best of luck with everything. You're probably better off without him.
Author Aboohoo Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 I really dont think they can be real, i believe they believe they are. But i know my ex (the real him) not just the side he wants to put across. Its so easy to hide traites of your character on the internet, its only till you spend time with someone that you get the real you. I feel sorry for her boyfriend - he has no idea!
Author Aboohoo Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Thank you perfectxpretty. Nice to know there is kindness with strangers x
lovelorcet Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Hi, I hope you can help. I had been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years - living with him for nearly all of that. Our relationship had been going ok but he used to lock himself in his computer room leaving me on my own for nearly all the night but And this was not an issue or a red flag for you?
Author Aboohoo Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Oh yes it was - i used to get really upset about it and try and talk about it. He used to say sorry and that he would spend more time with me. This is what i mean by he can have a relationship with the computer - he doesnt like much human interaction, he's a loner - i told him when we broke up that he doesnt know how to be in a relationship and he agreed. This is why this relationship suits him - its on his time. I feel like he's having a mid life crisis early. He was a rubbish boyfriend (who may i add never washed and therefore smelled - bet he doesnt tell her that one) but he was/is my first love and so when it comes to him ill do anything...does that make sense? Im hoping with time this will fade...does it?
Author Aboohoo Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Also i have tried the no contact thing but i always end up texting him or whatever. He says he wants to be my friend but he never contacts me (he never contacts anyone not even family) Would he miss me if i really cut off all ties (i mean really did it - its his bday tomorrow - i wont contact him - will he notice?)? I dont thinnk he will - as long as he's not his new love.... Please help - im so vunerable when it comes to him
lovelorcet Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Yes it will fade... You made yourself too much of a doormat. Try to find a guy who will respect you more.
stevessvt Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Dont worry, you will have the last laugh when he comes to the US and finds his girlfriends real name is 'Greg'.
LifesontheUp Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 He is escaping from real life and has an addiction to the internet if he's been leaving you like this for most of the 3 years. Honestly, in time you will come to thank your lucky stars that you are not in such a relationship. Did he ever find time to take you out and for you to enjoy yourselves? Him.......well lets get real here for a minute. He's chatting to someone he's never met, putting on his "best side" as is she. So what are the chances of it working out? You've only got to look at the on line dating sites experience to find out that the chances are not that great for it to work. When I did the on-line dating thing I must have met 1 good guy to 10 complete nutters ( I mean that....there were some very strange people to be had, yet they appeared very normal during our on IMs). In fact 1 fella even stalked me To me you didn't have a relationship and he doesn't seem capable of having one with someone real. If you are thinking of trying to work it out, I would first start listing all the good points about your relationship along with the bad. I would hazzard a guess that the bad outweigh the good. There is NO WAY I would put up with a relationship where the guy chose the internet over me night after night. I'm worth more than that and SO ARE YOU.
Author Aboohoo Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Tahnk you so much! No he never took me out - i mean we would occassionally go to the cinema or a cheap bite to eat but it was ALWAYS me in suggested it. Im beginning to realise that i have had a lucky escape and in all honesty i havent been happy in a while. I dont want him back (even he wanted to) what im hurting about is that he has replaced me already - he has showed no remorse for our relationship ending, he's moved on. You're right he doesnt know how to be in a real relationship and by the sounds of it these 2 just compliment each others egos - telling each other how amazing they are and that they can achieve anything - while i was in the real world with him - coping with jobs, money and rent etc... Im just so hurt by all the lies and his abililty to totally disregard me and my feelings. My friends and family say that sooner or later when his new fascination/love is ove he'll want to see me again - but im not so sure and by that time i would have moved on...hopefully
Ariadne Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Hi, im hurting about is that he has replaced me already - he has showed no remorse for our relationship ending, he's moved on... Im just so hurt by all the lies and his abililty to totally disregard me and my feelings. I think that you are under the shock of those emails that you read, mainly. That relationship is all based in fantasies and if they were to meet it'd probably fall apart. And he might come looking for you when he realizes that, since he probably depends on you also to keep it together in RL as: i was in the real world with him - coping with jobs, money and rent etc... Not sure that guy would ever be able to provide you with what you need. He is escaping.
emalkoc Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Well, my ex left me for someone in UK as well. We were together 2.5 yrs about to get married and she declined my proposal and she said that she is not living her dreams..5 weeks afterwards, supposed friend in UK became a bf and he visited here and she visited there...She is very difficult person to live together, very very clingy...That's why she got divorced from her husband or her husband left her... anyways, your situation is very similar to mine...I believe they are in fantasy land once they start living together or real relationship starts, I think it will fail miserably. I was in few internet chatting scenes, people tend to be more relaxed and behave a lot different than in person..Once you start living and dating at the same place, things started to fall a part...
Author Aboohoo Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Thank you, I think you are right. Its all well and fine to meet up with the person and go drink beers by the beach while watching the sun go down but sooner or later you have to the world - get a job, pay rent etc... My ex is difficult to live with - i know a lot of women who wouldnt put up with what i did. Im sure there's sides of his character he isnt showing and visa versa... I know all this will take time but it kills me to know that im the only one hurting right now.
InferiorityComplex Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I am in no way defending what your ex did. My boyfriend and I met on the internet, and to this day we both prefer to talk to other people through AOL Instant Messenger or email. Of course you put on your best though, it's the same thing you do when you first start dating. We have been together for 4 years, and living together for 2. Every night he still gets on his computer and plays his games, he uses Ventrilo (a way to talk back and forth with people) to talk to his playmates on the game. (Which at this time consist of his 2 brothers...it's a new game) It is very VERY easy to have emotion take over on the internet. I used to play a game called World of Warcraft with my boyfriend every night...and there was a guy on the game I used to talk to. Now I would have never met him in real life...but I agree with my boyfriend, there was definitely an emotional affair going on on my part. Though I would never let it jeopardize my relationship (or so I thought because he was very hurt by it) But I would not leave him because I "met someone better" But he makes me feel loved every day when he comes to bed at night. He likes to do his own thing...and computer games are his getaway...I respect that. Cause I watch CSI LOL You're better off without him! Good luck!
sedgwick Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Oh my god, what is it with smelly guys and why we love them? Do they have magical pheromones or something? My ex was a non-deodorant-user who would regularly be so busy playing music he'd go days without a shower. I feel ya. I met someone on the internet once and thought he was the greatest thing in the world. Funny, charming, a brilliant writer, a published author, etc. I met him in person and thought he was amazing then too. That lasted about two months. One night we went out and when we came back to his car some guy was leaning against it. The guy was obviously drunk, and he was belligerent, but all my ex would have had to do was get in the car, start it up, and begin to pull out of the parking space, and I feel fairly certain the drunk guy would have moved. But instead my ex pulled out a knife. I said, "Oh my god, (ex's name), what are you doing?" When we got back into the car he yelled at me for having said his name in front of the guy, because now the guy knew his name (??) Let me just say here that he had a very generic name. It was totally ridiculous. Oh god, he was just horrid. But on the internet he seemed greeeaaat. Oh, and then there was the part where I found out he had a child he didn't admit was his... Just give your ex and this girl time to get sick of each other. I can pretty much guarantee you that if they stay together, he'll soon be ignoring her for the computer too. I'd say just go completely NC with him from here on out. I know it's hard, but it's really the only way.
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