Meranna Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Yes, I realize that he could still see his kids. I explained in another post what I meant about that and I'll try to explain here. He stays for his kids, he stays so he can play with them every day after work, tuck them in at night, to be there with them EVERY day. To him, leaving his marriage would mean leaving that and only being able to do what he loves every other weekend or whenever his visitation is. So he stays "for his kids" in that way. I know many people on this board think that's just a line and in some cases it probably is. Yes, he (we) should have thought of that before the affair. I just told him again today that he and his wife need to try marriage counseling, they need to do whatever they can to work things out for their kids. I will stay away if they do, we no longer work together and don't see each other every day so that part won't be so hard. I want him to be happy, with or without me. As it is now, they avoid each other like the plague. Regardless, there will be a time when enough is enough, in both our cases. As for Meranna/Merana meaning suffering, that's kinda funny really. I don't feel like I'm suffering now, I'm much happier than I've ever been, but it sure fits who I was before my MM stepped into my life.
Author Leia Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Lol. It's always good to talk to people who aren't defensive! Thank you again for sharing your situation. It can be miserable and I know exactly what you mean but I can't let myself be miserable or in a miserable situation, you know. It is usually fun in the beginning when you think you're not going to fall for that man! I so know how that feels like! Your situation is slightly different by that they are not married but if they are living together then it's pretty much like they are. I find it easy for me to leave coz I saw what it did to my aunt and my cousins. We're very very close and it affected them badly but after they see that their parents aren't happy then might as well go separate ways. I hope you will find it in you to leave him soon. What I have learned from reading on Loveshack is that you will get the support to leave an attached man if that is what you really want. I have asked my cousin to read some of it and he chose to leave his W coz he just can't stand being with a cheater and he said reading here helped him in being stronger. You deserve better and definitely more from a man.
Author Leia Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Yes, he (we) should have thought of that before the affair. Lol... yes, he should have thought of that. I just told him again today that he and his wife need to try marriage counseling, they need to do whatever they can to work things out for their kids. I will stay away if they do, we no longer work together and don't see each other every day so that part won't be so hard. I want him to be happy, with or without me. As it is now, they avoid each other like the plague. Good for you that you told him that. One question though, how do you know they avoid each other like the plague? Do you his W personally? Just wondering... As for Meranna/Merana meaning suffering, that's kinda funny really. I don't feel like I'm suffering now, I'm much happier than I've ever been, but it sure fits who I was before my MM stepped into my life. Didn't say you are suffering.... Just told you the meaning when I saw it
Meranna Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Good for you that you told him that. One question though, how do you know they avoid each other like the plague? Do you his W personally? Just wondering.... No, I don't know her personally and actually I have never seen her. However, I did know him and their problems before anything happened between us. Also, I'm going to try to explain this part without giving away too much personal info. We play an online game together in the evenings with some other friends. While on this game we also use voice communications. I can hear what's going on in his house in the background. I know they never do anything with each other (as in dinner out, movies, etc) because he's on the game every night. Our friends have told me things about how they interact with each other, not because they think we are a couple, but out of concern for him. I know they sleep in separate rooms, I can't tell you how I know this but I do for certain. None of this means I know everything that goes on there of course, but I do trust him. He is my friend first and he knows he doesn't have to lie to me. I also know his "tactics" for lying so I would know what to spot LOL. I also want to add one more thing, I'm not trying to make this affair out to be all roses and rainbows, we both know it's wrong. We didn't intentionally go into this to have an affair, but it is where we are now. Walking away from someone you have loved for a long time is easier said than done. I wouldn't just be losing a lover but I'd be losing my confidant and best friend at the same time. Maybe some may consider that to be weak, but it takes a strong person to be able to handle the emotions an affair can cause you to go through.
Author Leia Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 You are very young...Life is not easy...Talk to any adult who has lived to be at least twenty-five...Life is full of hard choices; alot of those choices that you make, you're not exactly sure are the best...But you take the risk because that's what life's full of-risk...There's no guarantee... You will never understand, unless it happens to you... It is not about "finding" the elusive single guy...They are a dime a dozen...I DO NOT SETTLE...And I haven't...I've gotten what I need and want...Settling for me, would be to be with a guy I feel so-so about, but that's single... EEG Life is easy for me. I am young but that doesn't mean I am inexperienced. You don't have to be 30 to be experienced, to know what's right or wrong. I don't settle that is why I don't go for MM. I was involved and came to know about it much later but I left, told him I deserve more. I read in the other thread (could be my own, so many of threads here!) that some people are just drawn to MP. Anyhow, I wish more people would give more of their views. Thanks for yours.
st951 Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I don't know what motivates other people. I myself am considering an affair for a couple of reasons. I know this guy is a total rat. He isn't marriage material. He isn't even boyfriend material. But I have had a thing for him for a whole year now, he did the eyelock dance with me for all this time. He recently got married and it's fizzling already. He's started hanging around my area at work and already touched my hand accidentally on purpose. It's very difficult for me because I've been celibate for five years and he is the only one that turns me on. So that's why I am thinking the unthinkable. Probably don't have the nerve to go through with it, but I certainly understand why it happens.
Author Leia Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 I don't know what motivates other people. I myself am considering an affair for a couple of reasons. I know this guy is a total rat. He isn't marriage material. He isn't even boyfriend material. But I have had a thing for him for a whole year now, he did the eyelock dance with me for all this time. He recently got married and it's fizzling already. He's started hanging around my area at work and already touched my hand accidentally on purpose. It's very difficult for me because I've been celibate for five years and he is the only one that turns me on. So that's why I am thinking the unthinkable. Probably don't have the nerve to go through with it, but I certainly understand why it happens. You're thinking of having an affair although you know he's a rat? Are you kidding me? How do you know it's fizzling out already? Let me guess, he told you that and of course, you bought it? Are you married or in a long term relationship? Why don't you work things out with your partner?!
Trialbyfire Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 You are very young...Life is not easy...Talk to any adult who has lived to be at least twenty-five...Life is full of hard choices; alot of those choices that you make, you're not exactly sure are the best...But you take the risk because that's what life's full of-risk...There's no guarantee... You will never understand, unless it happens to you... It is not about "finding" the elusive single guy...They are a dime a dozen...I DO NOT SETTLE...And I haven't...I've gotten what I need and want...Settling for me, would be to be with a guy I feel so-so about, but that's single... EEG Okay, I'm 33. Life is full of choices, as difficult or easy as you make it. You allow yourself to get involved and allow it to get beyond a cursory attraction. I also see it as a form of settling for a cake eater. No one holds a gun to your head. Own it.
Woggle Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 It's weird how going for a cheater that is betraying his wife and using you for cheap thrills isn't considered settling yet dating a single man is.
Author Leia Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 It's weird how going for a cheater that is betraying his wife and using you for cheap thrills isn't considered settling yet dating a single man is. Exactly my thoughts! That confused me. How is it that dating a single guy is 'settling'?
Woggle Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Exactly my thoughts! That confused me. How is it that dating a single guy is 'settling'? Because there is no passion and there is no amazing connection with a single man. Only married men have passion and the wedding ring is the secret to the amazing connection. You can't connect without his wedding ring.
st951 Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 How do you know it's fizzling out already? Let me guess, he told you that and of course, you bought it? No. His wife talks at work and it gets around. Are you married or in a long term relationship? Why don't you work things out with your partner?! No. As I wrote previously, I've been alone for a long time. I don't know why I find this man so attractive, in fact he's the only man I've found attractive in five years, but I do. It's very disturbing.
OpenBook Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Because there is no passion and there is no amazing connection with a single man. Only married men have passion and the wedding ring is the secret to the amazing connection. You can't connect without his wedding ring. Actually I have long suspected that part of the attraction of a MM is that he has been "trained" by his W to be more sensitive to a woman's needs and desires. In a lot of cases, SG's are not so empathetic and understanding to women - simply because they have not had the experience of years of daily living with a female partner.
Woggle Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Actually I have long suspected that part of the attraction of a MM is that he has been "trained" by his W to be more sensitive to a woman's needs and desires. In a lot of cases, SG's are not so empathetic and understanding to women - simply because they have not had the experience of years of daily living with a female partner. So in other words they want a pre-whipped man. I think that part of it is also the ego trip of taking another woman's man.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Ego trip of taking another woman's man sounds right. Women are very competitive with other women in nature, but I also think it's a fetish. An addiction to have a MM, that gets the woman off. Sick, disturbing, but I think there's truth in it all. Yeah, I can see the "I got this wife's man to sleep with me, Ive proved something" mentality, pretty disturbing. Makes sense in a twisted way.
OpenBook Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 So in other words they want a pre-whipped man. I think that part of it is also the ego trip of taking another woman's man. I personally do not know ANY woman who wants a whipped man. There is nothing "whipped" about a man who knows his way around a woman. Now the ego trip thing you mentioned... yes I do know a few women who are indeed like that. In their minds the entire female population is their competition. I feel very sorry for women like that, because it is quite the lonely road to take.
Woggle Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Women might say they want a whipped man but they don't really. Society has spent the last 30 years trying to turn men into lap dogs that bend to the will of a woman but they women don't respect a woman like this and lose attraction and respect is the number on component in a woman's attraction. A man that refuses to let himself be neutered and is not afraid to put a woman in her place if need be tends to have the most success with women. Nearly every man I know who is in a happy marriage or relationship with a woman that loves and respects him is a man that refuses to be neutered. I also think that cheaters are naturally dishonest and conniving and women fall for a married man's game hook, line and sinker. They know how to spot a woman that will fall for it.
OWoman Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 It's weird how going for a cheater that is betraying his wife and using you for cheap thrills isn't considered settling yet dating a single man is. Woggle if you read the post you're misquoting here you'd see she said "a single guy she felt only so-so about". The issue isn't marital status PER SE. The issue is chemistry. If you're deliberately "misunderstanding" the point say so, don't be disengenuous; but if you genuinely missed that critical bit, I hope I've clarified.
Woggle Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I know what she was talking about but I find it funny how these women only seem to be able to find this passion with married men.
OWoman Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 I know what she was talking about but I find it funny how these women only seem to be able to find this passion with married men. Only? EEG was married before, so clearly she found passion with a SG too, previously. It's just that the passion she found later was with a guy she didn't know was M. (correct me if I'm wrong, EEG - don't mean to put words in your mouth)
norajane Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Actually I have long suspected that part of the attraction of a MM is that he has been "trained" by his W to be more sensitive to a woman's needs and desires. In a lot of cases, SG's are not so empathetic and understanding to women - simply because they have not had the experience of years of daily living with a female partner. I have no doubt his wife would not agree he's been so well trained when she finds out he's cheating on her! Oh, the irony...
ElvenPriestess Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 What's disturbing is the preconceived notion that a woman will go out of her way to "steal" a MM... Did it ever occur to you that men don't wear their rings and lie about their status? Put blame where blame belongs: with the person cheating. They know they're married... Oh on that I agree. The ones who take their rings off, play single, and dupe another. It's ridiculous, that they play single and are married. In that instance no, the other person is not to blame. It is only when it should come out that the other person needs to get out of it. Because if they BOTH know the person is married, then they are both being immoral IMO. Not trying to offend anyone on here, just expressing my thoughts.
White Flower Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I would get more answers here, probably coz this is the most frequented board... I noticed recently (could be coz I haven't been here that long) that new threads on cheating, OW/OM or infidelity being posted here on Loveshack. It got me thinking... for those who are "seeing" married people, isn't there any single man/woman for you to pursue? I can understand those who got into it not knowing that the married party is married but how about those who knew and still went for it? I'm really trying to understand from your point of view. I know it's not ok but I fail to understand the whole thing. As for those who are cheating on their wives or husbands, why cheat with another married person? Coz it's easier? Safer? I think it's safer to go for a single guy or girl or am I wrong? I read so often here that some stay for the kids but are you really? Or is that just some lame excuse? My aunt was cheated on by her sorry excuse of a husband and ex-husband didn't even bother staying for the kids. So what's the difference? My aunt's ex-husband did not love her that much after all? Or his kids? I don't condone anyone to cheat coz I saw what that did to my aunt. She was extremely hurt by it. She's happier than ever now, to be honest but I still don't think she can ever heal from the pain her ex-husband caused her. Hi Leia, I wanted to post here earlier, but have been so busy with lots of things. In answer to your first question; I did not pursue him-he pursued me and after a very long time I gave into it. He not only understood me, but liked me anyway. Secondly, you say you really want to understand even though "you know it is wrong." Well, when I was your age I felt the very same way. You've heard the expression, "Be careful what you ask for...you just might get it!" Well, you're asking for understanding and one way or another you'll get it. My father cheated on my mother and for years I judged him. Now that I find myself in a similar sitch, I not only understand my father better, but have forgiven him. Now I see it all with so much more clarity. Maybe she wasn't perfect. Maybe they were never right for each other. He did what he had to do to be truly happy. I cannot hold that against him. I wish I could tell him that now. The woman that he loved kept him away from us for many, many years but in the end we all came together to help him through his cancer. She was right by his side when he died and I am happy he had his true love there with him. As for "going for a married guy being safer" I can see why people say that. If both parties want to remain married it is probably "safer." The MW is probably not going to "out" the MM because she doesn't want to be outed. For me, yeah, a single guy would be easier because I am in the process of leaving my H and to be able to run to someone single waiting in the wings would be lovely. But there won't be a hero like that. Only the hero I get to see part time, but that makes me feel like a goddess all of the time. As for staying for the kids, well, for some it is a sincere excuse and for others a lame one. We are all different and cannot be categorized into the same box. I have been very unhappy for a long time and extremely unhappy for the last two years. My youngest just told me today she is ready for me to kick my H out. That is what I have been waiting for. I don't want her feeling distracted in school and unable to study if I can help it. She says she can handle it now, so off to the lawyer's I go. You keep referring to your aunt and her pain. I understand you must love her very much, but I hope you do not project her pain onto yourself. She may have had a dirty, rotten husband or one who was just unhappy. If she were a stronger person (and I'm not saying she's not) then maybe you wouldn't see cheating as such a bad thing. Perhaps she will meet the love of her life now? This may be the biggest blessing that ever happened to her. She can choose to play the victim or move onto bigger and better things. I saw what cheating did to my mom, who I loved dearly, yet I became a cheater. We all have different needs, different takes and views on situations, and different outcomes whether good or bad. It is all a learning experience. If a single guy had come along and made me feel the way MM does, I would surely have chosen that over this situation. Maybe MMen have more confidence or more drive to approach women because they can't have them? I don't know, but I can't see myself with anyone else now.
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 No, life is full of curve balls... Look at what you've dealt with TBF...Was it easy to be cheated on? To have to go through all that you went through, which was no fault of your own? That's life...Good things happen and bad things happen...It's never easy...You can be cheated on, raped, laid off from your job and none of those things are based on anything the peson suffering them did consciously, it just happened... To go around saying life is as easy or as hard as you make it is simply not true... And I got involved when I didn't know he was married...I chose to stay when I found out and that's what I own... EEG Getting over the cheating, for some, seemed almost miraculously quick. My decision to ensure it was part of the past, using every possible means, including and especially professional help, to get past it all. I could have harboured it for years, rubberbanding or remaining with my ex. I chose the easy way, which was to walk away from it forever. Once again, life can be as easy or difficult as you want to make it. Choices...all about choices.
mzd Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Once again, life can be as easy or difficult as you want to make it. Choices...all about choices. Word...I felt like absolute crap after walking away, and I don't think I was as involved as some people on here so could only imagine what they would go through. The first couple of weeks were terrible. But even though I still think about him a lot, the hurt is really starting to fade away and I feel stronger, happier and more in control everyday. It was the ambiguity of the entire thing that was stuffing me around. Now that is out of the way, I can go on enjoying MY life without any 'What Ifs?' hanging over my head.
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