lolly Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Have anyone ever been in this situation My MM wife left, yet now that we can be together, he wants to be just friends. Says he wants no commitment right now...need to find himself? For the past 3 years he always said he wants to marry me...but now that we can be together, he doesn't even want a girlfriend. For the past two weeks we've been fighting all the time...something we never used to do, as he, even tho he wants no gf and no commitment, still want to be friends. I tried the friends thing for two days and couldn't do it. It hurt too much. Also the last time we spoke about it, when we met up...we couldn't keep our hands off each other...so basically...we are not friends. So why can't he just even say he's my bf? he feels that i'm throwing away everything we ever had cause i dont have patience, says we should be friends and who knows where this will go. I see it as you promised me marriage...adn now don't even wanna call me your gf?? Am I wrong for not wanting to be friends. I really do miss him....but can't see myself putting myself through that. What if he meets someone else. He would owe me nothing.... Also he says that he also gave up alot, and things change...says he has to be fair and that he did do her alot of harm....so I can't say that he used me. said he didn't only lose her...but his daughter as well. Also went on to tell me that I'm too needy of him...that my world revolves around him and that I should do other things....says Im insecure. Thing is...i feel he just wants the freedom to see other girl...as in have them call him, and if I'm not his gf I can not moan aobut it?? cause that's what happened too...an ex gf from years ago is back to calling him and i know they chat to each other. he says its nothing...we not married...and we can have friends?? But why then when I give him his complete freedom does he fight so hard to have me as a friend?? and then try and say that that is not what he wanted, us being totally apart and not evening being able to say hi?? He's trying to say that he thought what we had was way more and we could at least still be friends...still go out now and then...go to a movie? Am I wrong...am I nuts for not wanting this??? And wehn he called the last time I todl him i'm going away for the weekend with a friend of mine, her brother, and her brother's friends...and from his tone he didn't like it? yet...he's the one who said i should not revolve my world around him...that he does other things to make him happy i shoudl do the same. then he said fine...he won't bug me again...he understands. yet then he follows it up with an email saying that is not what he wanted, but he got to realise that he has to respect what i want as well. siad he was doing the first time what he nees....and said he only wanted time to find himself, but now it looks like he has to open himself up to meeting new ppl as well. said he thought what we had meant more, and now we can't even have a simple howzit or kiss? then he went on to say that he won't bug me again. I should keep well...and goodbye... I couldn't help but reply to it....and he didn't reply again... Can someone tell me what is going on??? Please....all comments welcome....cause right now I feel as if I'm going insane. I feel as if I meant way more to him...and he's just proving I don't.... and more importantly...why was it so important for him to be friends??? And do you guys think I've now lost him forever
malaclypse Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 You were his exit affair, and now he wants to keep you around as backup. Move on.
OWoman Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Lolly you said his W left him. He didn't choose to end the M. He needs to come to terms with that loss, and to resolve his own issues from it and move on. Falling straight into a R with you without having done so would be risky and he is wise to want some time and distance for reflection first. Your crowding him and clinging has probably scared him. Right now he needs to deal with his own loss and grief, and he can't focus on someone else's "neediness". He's likely to see that as threatening, or a drain, and so he's looking for distance from that while he recovers himself. If you can't offer him support, and are seeking support from him, he will want to put you on pause, yes. That doesn't mean it's over forever. But your behaviour now will shape the degree to which something may be possible later. If you act needy, he's less likely to want to reconnect once he's in a space to make those decisions. For now, he'll be looking for support and positive energy from wherever he can get it - and yes, XGFs feeding his ego are a good source, as may be other women who come without strings or demands or claims. If you can't meet his needs, he'll get what he needs elsewhere. If you do hope to get back together with him some day, you need to give him the space and support he needs, in a way that doesn't crowd or cling or threaten. But you need to decide whether this is what you want - whether his needs and your needs are aligned on this and whether you're prepared to take the chance that, at the end of it, you may not be the person he chooses to be with longer term. It's a risk, and you need to make your decision in your own best interests and not just his.
Author lolly Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 (edited) thanks for the replies...... i just hate to think he didn't really care.... Edited January 22, 2008 by lolly jh
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 The guy lost everything and either way he has to grieve the loss of his marriage, his life, and the life they created together. People need time alone before jumping into another relationship. Your affair was just that, an affair. Now that he's left his wife, the affair HAS to turn into a real life relationship with the good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe he isn't ready for that, and he needs time alone to sort through his emotions.
PLAYBRAT Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Hi Lolly. Sorry to hear about your situation... Unfortunately it sounds like the reality has hit him. Now he is faced with making YOU a full time "g/f", wife....etc. Having a fantasy based R with someone is NOT the same as real life. The day to day relationship that makes a R REAL. A real relationship takes TRUE commitment. Not just all the lovey dovey stuff you get when you see each other once in a while. Maybe he realized you are not as suitable for him as he thought. Or maybe he just needs time to adjust to his newfound freedom. Truthfully, you should not want to jump straight into a marriage with this guy. He has a whole bag of issues to wade through, that have NOTHING to do with you at all. Go live your life..let him live his. If you guys are meant to be together...time apart won't hurt your chances.it will only help. Good luck.
Author lolly Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 thanks playbrat... i have stepped away...yet he still wants to be friends... so every other day he'll sms...saying how i am? i don't reply... is this the right thing to do?? what if he does move on if i don't reply, cause he thnks i don't care... but what if i agree to friends and that's all he ever wants... how do i know what to do??
Leia Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 so every other day he'll sms...saying how i am? i don't reply... is this the right thing to do?? what if he does move on if i don't reply, cause he thnks i don't care... Yes it is the right thing to do. Move on.
Recommended Posts