swordfish01 Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 My boyfriend and I have recently had problems....or i should say that I have problems with insecurity. He has/had this friend who was in love with him. However he did not share the same feelings for him. I am currently seeking therapy for this issue, by requesting limits and boundaries on opposite sex friends relationships. but recently my b/f has had many new coworkers that are seemingly very attentive to him. I don't think that he is a cheater. But he more than once has stated that his coworkers are very attractive and I have no problem with it. It could lead to other things, but to me it is all about choices. We make our decisions and deal with the consequences later. I feel that if you are in a committed relationship, either you are or you are not. I have many good looking coworkers but I don't feel the need to come home and tell him. For example, GD she looks good. or he is really in Asian porn, he is obsessed with Asian woman. Should I feel insecure about this?
ElvenPriestess Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Here's the thing about feelings. You have a right to feel any way you want. And you have right to feel insecure, they are your emotions. It is your reaction to them that dictates. I think I would be insecure as well. I have never understood the need to obsess over looking at others when one has a real live person who they can look at and touch as well. I think he should take that obsessive nature to the porn and redirect it to you. But the real question is not should you feel insecure, as I said that's your right. The question is, do you want to tolerate that in your relationship? Is it something you feel you can live with and accept? I mean as your title states, honesty is the best policy. Be honest with yourself. Are you ok with what he does?
Florida Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 My boyfriend and I have recently had problems....or i should say that I have problems with insecurity. He has/had this friend who was in love with him. However he did not share the same feelings for him. Is the person in love with your BF a girl or guy? You say "him" then say "opposite sex friends" I am currently seeking therapy for this issue, by requesting limits and boundaries on opposite sex friends relationships. but recently my b/f has had many new coworkers that are seemingly very attentive to him. I don't think that he is a cheater. But he more than once has stated that his coworkers are very attractive and I have no problem with it. Unless you specifically asked him "do you think so and so is attractive" it is a bad bad thing for him to volunteer this info. It could lead to other things, but to me it is all about choices. We make our decisions and deal with the consequences later. I feel that if you are in a committed relationship, either you are or you are not. It's not as black and white as cheating. Some people like many flirty ego strokers around them, and DO things to maintain it. If that is unacceptable, you need to do some in person analysis by assessing his interactions and figure out if he is that kind. I have many good looking coworkers but I don't feel the need to come home and tell him. Yeah, that is because you love and respect him. Does he do the same? For example, GD she looks good. or he is really in Asian porn, he is obsessed with Asian woman. Should I feel insecure about this? I'm guessing you are not Asian then. Yes that really sucks, if a guy obsesses about a type of gal that is not anywhere near what his lady looks like, it is going to be a problem now or later.
Author swordfish01 Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 I feel the same way. If he has me here, and I by no means am chopped liver, then he should appreciate that he has the real thing. But it's not that simple all the time. I know that he loves and respects me, but i detest having to come home and hear how all his coworkers are hot and every woman on TV is hot. This happens at least three times a week. And let me restate, he likes asian woman or woman of other ethnicities, he watches porn occasionally and the porn he watches is mainly with asian women. Thanks for the advice.
Author swordfish01 Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 No. I never ask him if he finds someone attractive. I know when women are physically attractive. There are other things that he might however find attractive, that I don't. I am in the military and work with 95% male workforce. Of course I find people attractive, but yes I do respect him and I would never say things to make him think that he is not number one in my life. To me he is the most gorgeous man alive!
Florida Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 No. I never ask him if he finds someone attractive. I know when women are physically attractive. There are other things that he might however find attractive, that I don't. I am in the military and work with 95% male workforce. Of course I find people attractive, but yes I do respect him and I would never say things to make him think that he is not number one in my life. To me he is the most gorgeous man alive! It's possible no ex GF's ever called him on it, now it has become your problem to solve. Have you communicated any of this to him?
Author swordfish01 Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Yes I have. He still continues to do it. I may not be physically perfect, but I feel he is constantly trying to pound it into my head that I indeed, am not. I will never be Baywatch perfect or whoever he is into this week, but all I can do it try.
LaDiva Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Here's the thing about feelings. You have a right to feel any way you want. And you have right to feel insecure, they are your emotions. It is your reaction to them that dictates. I think I would be insecure as well. I have never understood the need to obsess over looking at others when one has a real live person who they can look at and touch as well. I think he should take that obsessive nature to the porn and redirect it to you. But the real question is not should you feel insecure, as I said that's your right. The question is, do you want to tolerate that in your relationship? Is it something you feel you can live with and accept? I mean as your title states, honesty is the best policy. Be honest with yourself. Are you ok with what he does? Hey Hotstuff! I agree with the last line of Miss Priestess's words . IMHO, this situo needs to be nipped in the bud with this BF of yours. If not... you will start to act like a rabid , looking to him for validation; the sad part is, you won't even realize it... because you will be too far gone. Assess what is going on right now. Does his interest in pornography turn you off? Would you rather he not divulge in especially when he is around you? When you are both together, does he really focus on you? The needs of your relationship?
InferiorityComplex Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I don't really see a huge issue with the situation. Maybe you read into things too much and over react in your own mind like I do. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years I don't think he will cheat on me. I am a 5'3" extremely white girl. But he does like to look at pictures of shorter asian women. He says he just finds them very attractive and has always liked them. However I'm not worried. I used to have a tendency to be attracted to red heads with glasses (overall nerdiness) but my boyfriend had black hair and was "skater-ish" when I met him. I'm not attracted to him any less because of it. Also, he will come home from work and tell me, "Wow there was this beautiful women in the elevator with me at work today...I couldn't stop looking at her." But...I will tell him for the most part, "I was totally checking out this guy today...don't know what it was about him" We are human and I'd much prefer that we be honest with eachother. (I do feel the need to add...he used to go to a website called Bobblers.com on a daily basis...he doesn't go there anymore cause he's not interested. When he did he never got hard, nor did he ever masturbate. Even when I bought asian porn for us to watch he never would masturbate...he kept that separate. Our rule is look but don't touch, and to him that constitutes touching if he masturbates. God I love that sensitive nerdy man of mine!)
Author swordfish01 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 LaDiva, Yes! I have already addressed the issue with him, I have stopped asking so many questions...I am sure he loves me, but he is just tired of feeding my insecurities. I am tired of feeling this way. My b/f took a tour in Thailand, needless to say their economy is maintained by prostitution and happy houses...so let me just leave it at this. He spent a month there and comes back liking Asian chicks. (This was before my time). So his past is his past. I don't feel uncomfortable with porn, as long as I am there and I don't mind watching it with him and occasionally by ourselves, however we don't make loner porno a habit. He doesn't like when i do it and niether do I. He is very attentive to my needs and honest. His comments about his coworkers really through me off. I am old enough to know that they are just comments, but I still don't like them. What do you suggest? And you are correct also IC! He is very attracted to me, we have a wonderful, physical life. He does not masturbate to porn, alone sure. I do think he is very capable of looking but not touching, it just makes me a little unsure given his past with Asian women, but i can over look past. B/c I am what is going on in his life now. Post more ideas if you have them
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