peridot Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Hi KLE, I've worked in psychiatry 20 yrs (can't beleive it's that long!) and have quite some experience with personality disorders. It's right what others are saying, there is no "cure". People can however with the help of therapy learn to understand themselves better and change behaviour patterns. The biggest factor in this is a desire to change, they have to want to do it. It's no easy path and in my experience it can take years, not months or weeks. There is no medication to treat it. Medication is used for the other associated disorders, such as depression, anxiety, mood disorders etc. I find it exhausting after a therapy session with a person with pd, can only imagine how it must be for their families and partners. I see the devastating effect it can have on relationships but people can change. Please think carefully how involved you want to be, it will be a rough ride.
mortensorchid Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I did go out with someone with a personality disorder. He told me he had been hospitalized a few times for this. It put me off to say the least. But still, I gave things a shot. I didn't like the side of himself that he showed me, he seemed angry and confrontational when I said I wanted a little time to think about things. He actually ended it. I invited him over for dinner one night with a few friends, the next day he called me and said he didn't want to continue it. He didn't like my friends. I said if that was how he felt then I wasn't going to argue with him. Bros before hos, as they say (even though I'm a woman and all the guests that night were all guys).
Mz. Pixie Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Mz. Pixie -- what kinds of things did you experience with your mother? What type of abuse? If you don't mind discussing that. Physical, emotional, verbal abuse. She would fly off the handle at the least little thing and just go nuts. Everything was always about her. Always. She had the narcassistic personality disorder. My stepfather tried to molest me and she didn't believe me and later turned it around to make it about her. One of the worst things was the rewriting of the truth. It makes you think that you're crazy. You could know something happened one way- and then when she would tell the story she would tell it completely different like "I never did that" She would paint herself as the victim always. Perfect example. I was in a wedding and both my exinlaws were there as well as my mother because it was a close friend of mine. My mother went home crying from the wedding because she said we totally ignored her. Nothing could have been further from the truth- I talked to her the entire time she was at the reception and introduced her to people. Yet she went home and told my grandmother and my stepfather how we had mistreated her. All to get attention. They are brilliant little actors and actresses as well. You said he only gets that way with intimate relationships?? Right. They do not show their true selves to other people. In fact they try to mold themselves to what the other person seems to want to find. I had best friends in high school who would have never thought my mother was the way she was until they witnessed it for themselves. There were lots of rages, cursings, beatings, and alot of her saying bad things to be about myself. She's been gone several years and I've not missed her one bit. The drama from my life went down 90% when she died. I know that sounds terrible to people who have normal mothers and I can understand that, but if you'd had my mother you'd understand.
Author kle Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Mz. Pixie -- Wow, that is astonishingly exactly like my mother. She used to, and still does, display the exact same behavior. It's almost crazy how similar it is. I remember the next morning after I was raped, laying in bed, listening to her call all her friends crying talking about. I was mortified. Not only was it NOT about her, but it was totally her fault! Not to mention, I did not want everyone knowing about it. Never did she take any responsibility for that. I remember a few years later when the jail called my dad to let him know they were letting the man out, they asked if we wanted to appeal or anything and my dad said "go ahead and let the ******* out, and throw her mother in." It was actually quite funny. She came to visit a couple years ago and thought she could just live with me for a month, didn't even call to tell me she was coming. I told her I wanted her to stay somewhere else after a few days and she started bawling, grabbed a blanket and said "I'll just go sleep in my car and freeze to death, that's what all you kids want anyway!" It was like 70 degrees out. Of course, she came back in 5 minutes later crying begging to stay. She's totally off her rocker. I don't even have any love for her, but for whatever reason, keep letting her come back and disrupt my life. I feel sorry for her. She is now driving a semi truck, and used to be a very high society snob. She dates one trucker after the other. Sleeps with everyone, and of course tells her kids about it. My god, she's 63! My BF is nothing like this. Truly, not even close. He never acts like that. My heart goes out to you for having a mother like this. It's very traumatic for a child to have to deal with, even an adult for that matter. My daugher is the center of my universe, and I would do anything under the sun to keep her safe. I can't even fathom feeling any other way.
Author kle Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 (edited) I bolded some of the traits I see in my BF with the following disorders. Our counseling session on Thursday should be very telling.... Histrionic personality disorder Attention-grabbing, often sexually provocative clothing and behavior Excessive concern with your physical appearance (never says negative things, always says I'm beautiful, hot, great body... etc. A LOT) False sense of intimacy with others Constant, sudden emotional shifts Narcissistic personality disorder Inflated sense of — and preoccupation with — your importance, achievements and talents Constant attention-grabbing and admiration-seeking behavior Inability to empathize with others Excessive anger or shame in response to criticism Manipulation of others to further your own desires Borderline personality disorder Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses Stormy relationships involving frequent, intense anger and possibly physical fights Fear of being alone despite a tendency to push people away Feeling of emptiness inside Suicide attempts or self-mutilation Edited January 22, 2008 by kle
two_to_chose Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I have been there done that. Please, take my advice and get out of that relationship while you still can. And you may think you can't because borderlines are soooooooo controlling, but believe me, they only get worse, and worse, and worse. It will only get harder to leave, and you need to have a solid exit plan, probably involving other third persons. Treatment usually doesnt work. My guess - 5% success. good luck.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 KLE- don't you think perhaps you're being more accepting of his behavior because you had to tolerate it from your mother so it seems almost normal to you to live in the drama??
underpants Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Wow, I am so glad I am not involved with my ex any longer. He has not issues but a subscription. It took over a year after (he dumped me) to get him to leave me alone. Then one year after that he made a lame attempt to pull me back in. It will always be like that. There is not changing it or fixing these things. He is perfect though so some other lucky girl(s) can adore him. Good for your dude if he really wants help. I don't think you should put your life on hold while he tries to figure out how to be a decent human. Also, since the therapy is new it could just be new way to manipulate you into not leaving? There could be relapses. Maybe you should address some therapy for yourself and see what facets of your personality attracted you to someone like this? As a friend you could suggest he get help and that you two talk again in a few months. You both achieve distance to heal and deal and it does not seem so final. Would that compromise work? After some time away you might realize that you want more for yourself then to be with a damaged person. Then again, maybe he will mature a bit with therapy? Still the time apart might do you both some good and you can really see how committed he is to work on himself. Good luck. My gut advice is to RUN.
ronin82 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Maybe watch the movie "A beautifull mind"? Just kidding.. I dont know about the "borderline" definition, as im not a big fan of psyciatrists and psykofarmika, which are the people that usually use these words. I firmly believe that therapy and support is ALWAYS better than drugs. Ive never dated any girls with serious internal issues, but i have few friends who has and in what i could understand there, the main thing was about LOYALTY and TRUST, so that you can help the other person help themselves. I do know however from other personal experience that its going to be though on you, and so it will take lot of effort to stay calm when the "swings" happen. I think you would literally be a better person for doing so, because youd learn about yourself also, in the end everyone has the same problems in a smaller or larger scale.
underpants Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 kle, I thought of something that my ex shared with me during one (of many) cruel moments. He told me that he did not really understand why he bothered with me. That he preferred to engage with women who had been abused (then he went on to talk about abuse preferences). He said he was attracted to women who were raped or victims of incest. I asked why? He said they were easier to control and manipulate (his word was train). That it was fun to see their spirit break, 'it delighted him'. He then went on to give some examples that at the time I thought were so over the top that it could not be true. I now believe they were probably very true. That would explain why he is able to treat some people so badly and they stay in his life. He fights very hard to keep them...putting up with him, yet he will never take accountability for any damage he causes. My best guess is because he is able to get some to stay in his life (on any level) that must mean he is not so bad? I don't know? I don't have past abuse and it was extremely difficult for me to remove him from my life. Perhaps there is some sort of unheathly pull between your past abuse and his disorders that feed off of each other? That might be something to discuss with your therapist.
Author kle Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Yes, I see the connection between my past abuse and personality disorder type people. However, I have truly worked through my past issues with extensive therapy and am a very strong person. I have been diagnosed with Anxiety (this runs in my family), and it makes it hard for me to date someone with these emotional issues because I truly have a hard time being patient and tolerating abnormal behavior. It makes me anxious. My daughter's school just told me they think she has ADHD. This also runs in my family (me, my dad, my brother, my niece...). Are any of us truly just freakin' normal?! My daughter has such a grand spirit. I won't bring a man into her life to compromise that, and that is the one thing I put the most thought into regarding my relationship. I have not brought him into my daughter's life. I've been very smart about that. He is wonderful with kids, but I do not want her getting attached to someone who may never really be in my life. Blah, blah, blah. I am drained this week. My own therapy session, my therapy session with him, meetings with my daughter's school, an appointment with Sylvan learning center, and a child psychologist appt this afternoon for ADHD testing. Sometimes it feels like it just never ends!!!
Author kle Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Underpants -- I can't believe he actually told you he goes after people who have been abused. That is just so sick and wrong... but to actually say it. Oh my gosh!!!!!!!!
underpants Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Underpants -- I can't believe he actually told you he goes after people who have been abused. That is just so sick and wrong... but to actually say it. Oh my gosh!!!!!!!! He has said and done alot of sick and wrong things. He is extremely intelligent, very calculating and he creates and feeds on bad drama. I don't like to talk about it too much because it is just poison. I call it my Hannibal and Clarice love story. You sound like a strong person and a caring person. I am glad you are protective of your daughter. I am sure you have had to go through alot to deal with your past and get to an okay place. You probably had to do most of that work yourself. Don't let him drag you down by treating you poorly. This could be an opportunity to get away. There are plenty of good well adjusted people out there. I wish you and your daughter the best.
wiseguy212 Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I just left a woman I am in love with after putting up with a year and a half of lying, stealing, cheating, violence and many promises to never do any of the above again. If I knew in the beginning of the relationship what I know now about BPD I never would have let her into my heart. You want advice? Walk away and don't look back. You are already a victim. How long will you allow yourself to remain a victim?
Author kle Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 Okay, so I took him back and it's been a long time since I posted on here. You guys gave me a lot of good warnings and advice, but I took him back anyway. Well, low and behold, it didn't work out! He ended up being diagnosed with depression and bipolar. I'm still convinced he's a narcissist. He continued to lie to me, and go out with other women. He is a terrible liar and I caught him in both. Really, our relationship never got better. He still goes to counseling, but it does not seem to have helped him. Needless to say, I am definitely not in the relationship anymore. I feel so hurt, betrayed, and just general sadness. I know it's not because I lost "the one", I think it's just the change or something. But I really want these feelings to go away!!! He never even tried calling or anything after finding out that I knew about this last lie. This is what he does, it's part of his game. Make me sad and make me miss him for a while. Well, this time I'm just sad because I know it's over, because I know I deserve better than this mentally twisted jerk!
stepka Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I hate to say it, but I would run as far and as fast as I could. The problem with treatment with these people is that most of them don't believe they have a problem, though they know just what to say to get you to stick around and believe that they're working on it.
Disbeliever Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Wanting to post here but testing the waters first.
climbergirl Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Wanting to post here but testing the waters first. Don't be nervous! To OP: Be glad you got out. It's very difficult to extract yourself from a BPD relationship. All the blaming, gaslighting makes you second guess yourself. Read what AC recommended. It's a good read and we have to admit, those of us who stayed in this type of relationship for so long have issues as well. You will feel better soon.
MattyB Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Kle, Mz. Pixie and others, Thanks soo much for all of your insights and sharing your experiences with people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I just broke up with my GF of about a year and half who had BPD. I have a masters in Psych but I work in private industry in sales. My ex-GF is a beautiful, successful woman. I fell in love with her immediatly. She is from a great wonderful family(her parents she referred to as the Clevers), and her parents have been married for over 40 years in a wonderful relationship. I was really committed to our relationship, and minus the times we were working basically were together, even co-habitating for about 8 months. Obviously u guys can guess what r relationship was like, outbursts of anger which were out of control and irrational(she once spit in my face), her saying I would abandon her or ignore, and extreme verbal abuse. She would often get riled up at really inappropriate times(such as late at night and early the next morning I would have a big meeting or presentation) and basically have what I called "melt downs" like a child would get. She originally just told me she suffered from anxiety and was often "anxious', usually do to some behavior I was demonstrating. Finally, when her "meltdowns" were increasing in frequency(in a 24 hour period she probably started crying almost a dozen times, for several different reasons), she finally told me she had BPD. It's amazing to read about BPD, and I look at the symptoms, behavior of it and it fits her perfectly. No doubt, she totally pushed me away from her, when all she did was complain that I was not there for her when in fact, I soo was there for her and our relationship. I am very glad I ended the relationship, like it was said above, it gets soo exhausting. I look forward to hearing anymore insight about dealing with people with BPD. I do have a ?. Is there a reason people with BPD r also very hypocritical. I could give u many examples of my ex's behavior, but my mouth would drop when she seemed to be so hypocritical about things.
loveslife Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Hi Kle, Wow, well I just read this entire thread and was so relieved to hear you're out. I have been involved with men with personality disorders and it is SO abusive emotionally. Yes, it's gonna hurt. But please use this time to be as honest as you can with yourself about why you got in the relationship in the first place. It all really does begin and end with US. Maybe take a little break from dating and learn to love yourself. When you love yourself you won't be able to co-exist in a relationship like the one you're leaving now.
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