CallMeCrazy Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Ahhhh.... so I hate to admit it but some of you were right. How this whole situation amazes me. Let me just say that until "D Day", as it's referred to here, you can think you know how MM will act/what will happen/etc..... I was soooo wrong. I'm embarrassed I was so wrong. You may remember that my MM left his W on New Years Eve. What a whirlwind of events the last 3 weeks have been... she found out everything and reacted completely differently than either he or I could have expected. She fought tooth and nail for MM. He admitted cheating and being in love with someone else. She threatened suicide, she used their children as pawns, she broke into his e-mail account, she opened a $40K credit card in MM's name without his knowledge... she used every tactic imaginable to make him stay. She CALLED ME TWICE. It's been completely awful and that is an understatement. Now.... I'm certainly not saying that I am innocent ~ I know that my R with MM was wrong. I also know that I will pay consequences for my actions... which I have been paying and it's terrible. My opinion of her, him, their relationship and my relationship with MM have changed. He is still in the process of "moving out", filing for divorce, putting his house on the market, and we are on a 2 week break while he is getting everything in order ~ and of course he is trying to get back to work as well after taking two+ weeks off to deal with all the drama at his home... Anyway, the whole reason for my thread is to share a quote I found yesterday. I'm not sure who wrote it or I would give them the credit they deserve... "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option" I know that I have a lot of deep soul searching to do. I love my MM but obviously that is meaningless unless we're together. I want to have hope that we'll be together but then I wonder if I want a man who has done this to me, his W, etc... Now I'm questioning a lot of things... This is probably one of the more difficult things I've ever been through in my life. I have no idea what will happen... but I do know that cheating/affairs and all this pain are certainly not worth it. I guess I'd just like to say that if you're considering an A please don't. Either work on your existing R or end it and do yourself a big favor! I'll update my situation once I have more clarity. But one thing is for certain, I am not nearly as confident in our relationship as I once was.... Thanks for all the support and thoughts you have given me. Believe me, it helps... and I know that I'm getting what I deserve, so please no bashing I'm just sharing my thoughts.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Do your best to focus on YOU. Whatever happens between MM and his wife now is completely out of your hands so let them be. Detach for now and be with true friends who care about you, who can help you through this. Do the NC and do it for YOU, not for him.
Author CallMeCrazy Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Thanks WWIU... I realize that you're exactly right, which is why that quote seemed so appropriate. I'm not content to be the "option" anymore... and funny how I never saw that until yesterday. After these 2 weeks I'll know if what we had was real or a just a big sham to allow him to end the R with his W. I can decide if I want to continue the relationship at that point. Whatever happens will happen and I am focusing on finding a new job and taking care of me. Thanks....
GreenEyedLady Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 CMC: This is the hardest time imaginable...If you love him and truly want to be with him, take a breather and remember this is his divorce...He is going through so much upheaval right now and you're feelings are going to be on the back burner a certain percentage of the time... Now, I know how easy it is to say that...I know firsthand what you are going through...It will not be easy at first...There will be highs and lows...The thing about them leaving is that it doesn't solve any of your problems right away...In fact it makes your R harder...Now it does get better after a certain point...But if you are unsure, then you should walk away... Because the fact is that when they leave for you, there is so much to deal with and you have to learn to reconcile who you are in the R and what you're willing to put up with...I have been lucky in my R because he is a good partner and no matter what is going on, he thinks of my feelings and our future all the time...That doesn't mean that it's perfect, it's not...Some of the time I feel like it takes so long and there's so much indecision (who's going to move, etc)... Now you can get through this if you're sure that you two are solid and you want this R with everything that you have...But it takes work...It's not easy...Sometimes you will need to bite your tongue and not say anything when that's the last thing you want to do...And when he asks your honest opinion, you need to give it to him... I find the biggest challenge in biting my tongue...I only say stuff when he asks my opinion and let me tell you that's hard for me...But I want him to do this his way because that's what's right...It is an emotional roller coaster because the stakes are so high...And since your MM W knows, that complicates things further... So I feel you girl...It's tough...Way tougher than it was before...But the good days outnumber the bad and the bad really aren't so bad...There's no magic wand to wave and presto everything is good...It takes work and faith in your R...If you can get through this together, then you can get through anything... GEL
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I respect when someone sees the things in their life that aren't quite what they thought they were and re-examine what brought them to a certain point. It isn't easy for anyone to self evaluate. In particular when so many emotions and hurt feelings are involved. Whatever the catalyst is for life changes it is an oppertunity for changes that will make our lives more a testament to learning from the past. God bless and lead you.
Computers Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) She CALLED ME TWICE. It's been completely awful and that is an understatement. What was discussed during those two calls? If he can do that to his wife, the one whom he proposed to and walked down the isle with family members watching and who is also the mother of his children and if he can do that to his family, what make you think he is this great guy and the guy of your dream? He can easily do that to you in the near future with someone new because you can be much easier to get rid of than his wife due to no legal marriage and no children involved. Think about it. Whatever that you have with him will fade. Less than 1% of affairs survive in the long term for many obvious and no so obvious reasons. Can you be that one percent? Sure. But, would you bet your heart, time, energy, love, etc. on it? Your call. Just remember, at the end of the day, you're just a piece of axx that he used. Edited January 21, 2008 by Computers
GreenEyedLady Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Less than 1% of affairs survive in the long term for many obvious and no so obvious reasons. Can you be that one percent? Sure. But, would you bet your heart, time, energy, love, etc. on it? Your call. Now we're down to 1%?! Where are you even getting that figure? Just because you don't want it to happen, doesn't mean that some R's do work out...
Computers Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Now we're down to 1%?! Where are you even getting that figure? Just because you don't want it to happen, doesn't mean that some R's do work out... The 3% that most people cited is misleading. Going back to the OP, if you don't offer him sex, you're nothing, I repeat nothing, to him. On the other hand, if his wife doens't offer him sex, she is still the woman he proposed, the mother of his children, the woman whom he shared a home with for years. Just remember that.
OpenBook Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 The 3% that most people cited is misleading. Going back to the OP, if you don't offer him sex, you're nothing, I repeat nothing, to him. On the other hand, if his wife doens't offer him sex, she is still the woman he proposed, the mother of his children, the woman whom he shared a home with for years. Just remember that. So... bestadvisor - I mean, StillSame - d'oh, Computers - why do you say that the 3% is "misleading"?? And how do you know if the OP doesn't offer the MM sex, she's nothing to him? Do you CMC and her MM personally??
GreenEyedLady Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 So... bestadvisor - I mean, StillSame - d'oh, Computers - why do you say that the 3% is "misleading"?? And how do you know if the OP doesn't offer the MM sex, she's nothing to him? Do you CMC and her MM personally?? Computers can't seem to figure out who she (he?) is, so I don't know how she thinks she knows so much about anyone else...
Author CallMeCrazy Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 CMC: This is the hardest time imaginable...If you love him and truly want to be with him, take a breather and remember this is his divorce...He is going through so much upheaval right now and you're feelings are going to be on the back burner a certain percentage of the time... Now, I know how easy it is to say that...I know firsthand what you are going through...It will not be easy at first...There will be highs and lows...The thing about them leaving is that it doesn't solve any of your problems right away...In fact it makes your R harder...Now it does get better after a certain point...But if you are unsure, then you should walk away... Because the fact is that when they leave for you, there is so much to deal with and you have to learn to reconcile who you are in the R and what you're willing to put up with...I have been lucky in my R because he is a good partner and no matter what is going on, he thinks of my feelings and our future all the time...That doesn't mean that it's perfect, it's not...Some of the time I feel like it takes so long and there's so much indecision (who's going to move, etc)... Now you can get through this if you're sure that you two are solid and you want this R with everything that you have...But it takes work...It's not easy...Sometimes you will need to bite your tongue and not say anything when that's the last thing you want to do...And when he asks your honest opinion, you need to give it to him... I find the biggest challenge in biting my tongue...I only say stuff when he asks my opinion and let me tell you that's hard for me...But I want him to do this his way because that's what's right...It is an emotional roller coaster because the stakes are so high...And since your MM W knows, that complicates things further... So I feel you girl...It's tough...Way tougher than it was before...But the good days outnumber the bad and the bad really aren't so bad...There's no magic wand to wave and presto everything is good...It takes work and faith in your R...If you can get through this together, then you can get through anything... GEL GEL you couldn't have said it better.... this has made the R harder, but it's been oddly stronger too. It's completely tough, but I keep thinking there is no way I can give up on us. I don't want to give up on us because I love him so much. You are also right about biting my tongue... I did that the entire time we were together before he told his wife... I wanted to be sure that whatever decision he made, was not because I was in the background telling him what I thought he should do. It's been amazingly hard to shut up and back off the last 3 weeks. I'm actually glad he asked for some time to get all his stuff together. I know he's being pulled in 4 directions right now and he's stressed to the MAX. I know he loves me, or he would never have gotten to this point... I guess it's just the typical thought process we go through to question everything. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect and our R has a long way to go still ~ assuming we can get through this hump. I am trying to be supportive, and this NC thing right now will be good for us both. To the other poster, sex is a great part of our R, but is far from the only part. I consider MM to be my best friend. Yes, he has history with his W but their relationship has been dead for quite some time. She is still in a bit of denial about that.... but it's a fact, the R he had with her is over. When I spoke with the W, she said she forgave me and hoped that I would find someone someday... (again the denial) I was sitting with MM in his car and we were talking on speakerphone so he could hear and input a bit too ~ she knew all of this. We talked about how he'd lied to both of us. She told me he told her everything, including the other A he had had years before. I told her I was sorry for hurting her, and that I never intended for this to happen, but it did and I can't change it now. It was very akward and uncomfortable. MM had told her that he is spending time with me and will continue to do so, and she asked to speak with me. It was very odd. I probably would not accept another call from her....
GreenEyedLady Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I wouldn't talk to her again either...There's really no point right now...Down the line you'll need to relating to parenting issues, but for now, don't let her engage you... She will want to somehow make herself feel better so don't give her anything to talk about...Leave it between her and her H because right now she sees you as competition and will probably pull out all the stops... PM me any time...I know exactly how you feel...
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