jdeedee Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 The title says it all. Tomorrow classes and our mutual jobs begin. Starting tomorrow there is actually a significant chance for me to see her again and it's really scary. We broke up at the end of last semester and she was quite good at disappearing from my job location (I was the lab monitor at the school), she would and did hang out there with friends but it was almost finals time and she stopped showing up there. She is working in the same department as me this semester so the chances of us bumping into each other are significantly higher. We realistically can't avoid each other forever. I just don't know what I will do or say when I see her. I have no clue what's going on in her head, I feel like she knows a little more where I am at. I sent her an email apologising, never heard back, I sent her a birthday card and never heard from her. Now I'm not bringing up the lack of response from an inner upset self, I am upset yes but I'm more confused and worried that even though she said she didn't when we broke up, she hates me now? So anyway I talked to my therapist about all this on Wednesday and she said I will be an adult when I see her, she said to say hi and see hows shes doing, keep it short and sweet, etc. That's all good and fine but I am so anxious about it. Not only am I anxious about my behavior I am really anxious about hers. I lack a lot of closure now because I did make these moves to reach out and they were ignored (or at least not acted upon). What if when I see her she is the one that turns the other way. What if she really does secretly hate me now? I know it really shouldn't matter. I know that. But my self esteem and self worth aren't as high as they should be and so yea, her opinion of me is still important. Any advice at all LSers? Please, this is really scary for me. Thank you.
Author jdeedee Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 I just want to let you know that your advice really hit a nerve with me. I'm quite tired of being put down for not "being a man." That said, I'll take it as well meaning advice and assume you weren't getting on my case for having emotions. With that assumption then thank you, you are right. There's nothing I can do to control her feelings about me, all I can do is deal with things as they come and try to focus on myself. Tomorrow will come and go like any other day, eventually I may see her or I may not, when that time comes I'll be cordial and nice and she will reciprocate however she feels fit to.
Green Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 emotions are fine your dweling on your fears, don't waste energy thinking about what can go wrong when you see this girl tommorow, try to focus on the excitement of seeing her again not the fear
carrotgirl Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Tomorrow will come and go like any other day, eventually I may see her or I may not, when that time comes I'll be cordial and nice and she will reciprocate however she feels fit to. Yes. And if you're not cordial and nice it will still be a day like any other. If you will, There is no spoon. Carrot
HokeyReligions Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Don't think about her, think about how you want yourself to be perceived by others. You'll meet new people and what impression do you want to give? Focus on yourself and not on her, or her possible feelings. You can't do anything about them anyway. Find something about yourself that has given you confidence in the past and project that to everyone. You'll feel better about yourself and will be more relaxed. Don't try to put on a front for her - put it on for YOU.
Author jdeedee Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 I try my hardest not to focus on her, it's just been a very intense weekend with her birthday on Sunday and school beginning on Tuesday. I got a lot of piano done today which I am excited about. Didn't rearrange my room but I never really thought I would actually do that today, still need new furniture (and argh, a new computer this one has seen its last days). Anyway I'm still slightly anxious about tomorrow and hell, the entire new school year. Things will just have to keep progressing I guess, whether I want them to or not.
carrotgirl Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Have a great first day of school JDD! Remember to start out on the right foot, smile (because when you smile your whole face lights up) and we're all just a keyboard away. Carrot
Author jdeedee Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Well not 2 minutes into my work day I saw her, walked right by the office with her best friend, guy friend, whatever man that I hate. She paused for a second and walked on and he walked in, said whats up and then left. Ugh, she didn't wave and I don't even know if she saw me, why she paused. I am looking way too much into things and I... argh. Blah. She exists outside of my obsessions over her, she's alive after the breakup and so am I. This was the first time I saw her in over a month, and it was for two seconds and I am a wreck now, lol. How in the world will I ever deal with talking to her again?
Author jdeedee Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 It's actually kind of sad where I'm at; I need to move on. How did I go from being this solid person in a relationship with someone to this scared person who snaps a little inside when he sees his ex. When did my relationship with her transition to the point that she wants nothing to do with me? (I can only assume that is the case, I doubt she is half as worked up about "seeing" me for two seconds as I am about "seeing" her). I need to move on. I am really sad that I could go from being with someone to being scared of them in such a short time period. We loved each other and now she doesn't want a thing to do with me, I guess I broke it off with her I deserve this.
Jmina Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 If she treats you the way you fear, well then maybe it will help you get over her. In any case something good comes out of something bad. Go with the flo, because everything happens just how it is meant to. You will have a lesson to learn either way no matter how it unfolds, trust yourself and know that if she doest treat you horribly that it just shows her own insecurities. Goodluck Jmina
Jmina Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 oh and the "be a man" comment. What exactly does that mean? because both woman and men dwell on things, and moving on doesnt neccessarily make you a man or a woman... i think it was totally insensitive, and not a lot of thought went into it at all. It is good to be able to toughen up sometimes, but defenetly NOT when you need to talk things out. I don't see what the excitement could be too see her when she could totally trample all over your heart again. However I would tell you that your fears are coming from your ego, which is nothing more than a bunch of lies trying to bring you down. you can brush them off your shoulder and pick yourself up because there is no truth in them. You don't know how things will unfold which is why it is best to ignore your ego as it is really like a bad person trying to bring you down, and concentrate on going with the flow of life. A person who totally humiliates you on purpose or is nasty on purpose doesnt deserve you, i doubt she would have the guts to do any of these things face to face anyway. If just seeing her makes you go insane i would probably not look up and look at her at all unless she wants your attention. harder said than done, but i guess if you want a better outcome you got to stick to a plan.
Author jdeedee Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 However I would tell you that your fears are coming from your ego, which is nothing more than a bunch of lies trying to bring you down. you can brush them off your shoulder and pick yourself up because there is no truth in them. You don't know how things will unfold which is why it is best to ignore your ego as it is really like a bad person trying to bring you down, and concentrate on going with the flow of life. A person who totally humiliates you on purpose or is nasty on purpose doesnt deserve you, i doubt she would have the guts to do any of these things face to face anyway. If just seeing her makes you go insane i would probably not look up and look at her at all unless she wants your attention. harder said than done, but i guess if you want a better outcome you got to stick to a plan. You're right, it's just all in my head, this obsession over what she is thinking about me. I guess I need some sort of approval from my exes and she isn't providing anything at all, no communication whatsoever. That's an excuse in part, I haven't been pushing communication, mainly for fear of outright rejection. Anyway things will work out, I'm lonely and scared and miss her a lot. God she is beautiful. It's funny, I just realised that I'll never make love to her again. It makes me want to try. She really meant a lot to me, I hope she knows that -- she must. I'm just rambling on now. My therapist appointment is tomorrow, I'm grateful for that. I miss my ex so much. (I'm like a broken record )
Green Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 oh and the "be a man" comment. What exactly does that mean? because both woman and men dwell on things, and moving on doesnt neccessarily make you a man or a woman... i think it was totally insensitive, and not a lot of thought went into it at all. I wasn't calling him a woman, but he was having a boy mentality. When one guy says to another guy be a man in this type of situations, its about reminding the person to be tough/brave and not to worry about what other people think or do.
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