sumdude Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Danger ... long post ahead! Well it's now been a year since my ex wife suddenly moved out and five months since the divorce was final. As gunny likes to say it's been all day hard and all year hard but I'm getting there. I had so many things to get through the last two years... my mom passing, my wife leaving, family rifts, my aunt then two uncles passed. Making sense of myself and how I ended up drinking so much during that last year before she left. Just found out my father's cousin is in terminal stages of cancer too. My dad... what a rough time for him, he's the last of his generation left pretty much. Over the last year he's not only my dad but became one of my best friends. We both ended up in the same boat for different reasons and we bonded. So Sunday is da's day, we go out for dinner and a couple beers.. keep each others spirits up. He's 80, who knows how long he'll be around so I'd better enjoy him while I have him. Strange how after a divorce so many folks you thought were freinds kind of dissapear. They don't really want to deal with you when things are rough. they don't return calls and pretty much leave you out of their lives. Plus you're not really quite yourself and may accidentaly say or do something. So I find myself realiziing that if you have 5 good freinds you're a lucky person. The ones who'll listen when it's hard and actually be there for you. No contact with the x since the beginning of Dec and as far as I'm concerned that's it. The latest is that she's become very 'religious' and is part of some missionary sort of thing. Her last voice message was to ask me a favor and pray for some doctor to come and join them on a 'mission' to eastern europe. Whatever... I think the reality is that she's adopted the life of whoever she left to be with. Whether is was an EA or more there most certainly was someone else... after all she moved into his house.... this alleged sponsor from alanon. I think the whole thing might have been a sham actually.... c'mon 12 step programs meet in churches and frown upon opposite sex sponsorships... so be it. Most definitely she flaked out on me rather than see us through the hard couple years we were going through. there's not one person who doesn't see me as truly better off in the long run without her, they always wondered what I saw in her. Love is blind... I can attest to that. Red flags all over the place and I chose to overlook them. As if the compulsive lying wasn't enough... she was always angry at someone... man that anger.. I don't regret loving her... she's just a messed up person. Bad childhood and priorities. Gunny was so right when he said 'damaged goods'. Looking back with more clarity I can see signs going back more than 6 months before she actually left. She used to always delete the calls on the caller ID units...heck this goes back a couple years. On moving day a few months before.. she created some huge argument and gave herself a reason to disappear for a few hours... where exactly did she go? When we went on vacation with my family that summer she absolutley demanded to take her own car so if she wanted to visit her 'freinds' or sister etc on the way she could. She would go on weekends to some 'quilting group'. Right.... I never saw any quilt. Yikes... big signs there. So I believe that subconsciously I knew there was big trouble... but I was still grieving fo my mom... and my x didn't help.. in fact she only added stress. Trouble with my boss... just about everywhere in my life was stress. My problem?? Rather than face it... I tried to deny and bury it all. It was too much at once I just shut down and drank myself to be numb. In our one counciling session my ex even said that she thought the drinking was a symptom.. whetever that means. She used that as the most obvious reason to leave... but no way was it that simple. I stilll managed my life, treated her well... i was thoroughly depressed, stressed and self medicating. The six months dry was absolutly necessary. I drink now... but at a whole different level.. Took a few pendulum swings but I really am Ok with it now. I don't crave daily or plow into huge amounts. If I choose to party a little hard every once in a while it's OK. Sometimes I'll have a beer or two and then just don't want more. Still doing well with the gym and taking Kung Fu. Did gain back about 10 winter pounds but even still I'm at a lower weight than any time in my adult life before the split. The job has really puicked up so scheduling and finding time for excercise gets harder. Emotionally things have calmed down since the New Year. Went through the year cycle... Holidays hit hard. Occasionally I do still miss what we had when it was good. Those moments alone in the house when I wish for some company. When I think of the good times there a bit of sadness for the loss. Odd thing though... the deep emotions of the divorce dredged up some really old stuff... things i thought I had dealt with in life and here I'm hitting them again. Caught myself acting and thinking like a nervous adolecent around women... very strange but I'm mostly over it. I've read though that's it's not uncommon so armed with that knowledge I deal with it all. My mind has cleared up a lot, not thinking about the D too much anymore... decided to write all this out today on the anniversay of her leaving though. Good online journanling for me. I've learned to stand on my own more than ever in life. The fact is we're all mostly on our own in life and if you have someone else you can really count on you're lucky. Stood up for myself at work when I'd had enough of my bipolar boss and I think that has paid off for me. It's a challenge.. rebuilding so much. A new social life, going out alone because all my freinds are busy with their own lives and most are either married or in serious relationships. Have to get out there and make new freinds. Still trying to get the band together... found a bassist but he may go back on tour later this year. But I keep workling at it. Did try dating for a little while... it was a woman I dated before the ex... didn't work out. No big deal.. I guess she wasn't for me anyhow but we had a little fun. Right now I feel it would br nice to have someone but I'm not all that interested. I still have some self growth to tackle.. but if someone comes along that really blows me away I won't stop anything. As far as any future relationships my biggest hurdles Believing in myself Believing in another Trusting again.. I know all women aren't like my ex... but the hurt was big and healing takes time. One year later.. all in all I'm OK, moving forward.. it's uphill but no one said life was easy. In many ways i'm better of than ever but the heart still needs a little time to get over it all. Compared to most of the people on the planet I've got it good. Food, shelter, job, a few good freinds, entertainment... really have everything I need. One day I hope someone will come along to spend the time with who will value me and accept me exactly as I am. Because though I'm certainly flawed .. most of me... is pretty cool.
smiley0010 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Those are essentially my same thoughts, sir. Well said. Except it's only a month since the wife left, but I've experienced much of the same thoughts/feeling/experiences.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Good for you sumdude! Glad to see your prospering. Now you can find you a real woman.
LakesideDream Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Congratulations Sir, It does get better as time goes on. As some point it may be gone completely. Carry on,
Confused9 Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I am glad that you are doing well. It give me hope that one day I might be too. Keep up the good work! : )
LifesontheUp Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Its nice to hear others' stories of how they are doing....it gives hope to those that are just starting down the "road to recovery". For me, its been over 5 years and I have to say life is WAY better. My cheating xH is on his own and me.....I have a fabulous OH and most recently a fantastic little addition to the family....a little boy Life does and can get much better. Good luck sumdude.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Bad childhood and priorities. Gunny was so right when he said 'damaged goods'. By anyone's standards I'd have to have been considered damaged goods. I'm glad that my H saw through that and has invested enough time in me to know what makes me click and really "gets" me. Glad to hear you are doing better Sumdude.
Author sumdude Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 By anyone's standards I'd have to have been considered damaged goods. I'm glad that my H saw through that and has invested enough time in me to know what makes me click and really "gets" me. Glad to hear you are doing better Sumdude. Thanks, Mz P... Y'know... I feel that I really tried with her. I knew about most of her issues and was as patient as could be. I was her rock... but when I suddenly hit a hard time... became weak and needed more than I could give... well she wasn't able to handle it I guess... and ran. Takes a strong person to handle that kind of thing and see light on the other side and be willing to do what it takes to get there. Maybe she learned something out of all this too.. Shame I had to take the brunt of it... but I guess I'm strong enough so in the end I hope it was worth it for both of us.
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 You've been through the wringer bigtime in the past year. That's alot of losses between the marriage, your aunt and uncles - And it really does suck that friends whom are supposed to be there for you during your worst times, disappeared. Puts things in perspective though, doesn't it? Stay strong! And definately spend alot of time with your dad. You two need eachother.
cj1988 Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 That was such a good post and I hope you can keep going strong. I hope to be wrinting the same soon and moving on from this 13 year nightmare. All bad things bring good and better things for all involved that are true to themselves and others. You are right about friends, you find out you really do not have any in the end, so make new ones and this time, make better choices. We are all your friends here on LS. I am proud of you !
Mz. Pixie Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Thanks, Mz P... Y'know... I feel that I really tried with her. I knew about most of her issues and was as patient as could be. I was her rock... but when I suddenly hit a hard time... became weak and needed more than I could give... well she wasn't able to handle it I guess... and ran. Takes a strong person to handle that kind of thing and see light on the other side and be willing to do what it takes to get there. Maybe she learned something out of all this too.. Shame I had to take the brunt of it... but I guess I'm strong enough so in the end I hope it was worth it for both of us. I'm sorry I wasn't meaning to imply that you didn't try or that what you did wasn't good enough. I'm just saying in general that I certainly have plenty of baggage- and really once you get to my age- you're not going to meet many people who don't- especially if they have been divorced etc. It's hard work to get through all of that and sometimes the person who has the problems just can't force themselves to go through it. I can relate to that, but it's never been an option for me.
Gunny376 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Me? I'm glad the ex broke my heart, destroyed my world, turned it upside down! That's eighteen years the otherside of the World of Hurt! But it made my sorry @ss get up learn, grow, adapt, overcome! It made me to quit feeling sorry for myself, and expecting that Life owed me anything! That if your going to have anything in this Life? You're going to have to get off your @ss and work for it! Earn it! That you can't take things for granted? If and when you find "true Love" ~ DON'T SCREW IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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