cecil brown Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) 9 months since she left for good; 5 months since I have seen/spoken to her. The pain is still deep and I still miss her very much. I have been with other women since, but it just doesn't feel right. I so badly want to contact her, but I know it's a no-win situation. Everyday I wake up hoping today will be the day she comes back, but I know that's only hurting me. She's moved on; I need to find the strength to do the same. Sorry for the ramble, it's just been a tough week..... Edited January 21, 2008 by cecil brown
bustertypsy Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Cecil,my heart goes out to you.To still have to suffer the pain after 9 months must make you wonder if you will ever get over her.We all heal at different rates and 9 months isn't an eternity.I think that you have to wake up every morning now and admit to yourself that she isn't coming back.Try and instil this into your subconcious and you will then eventually accept it.By accepting,then the healing will begin to manifest itself. So stop hoping for something that probably won't happen.Anything is possible,but accept the situation as it is now.If she ever decides she wants you back she will let you know.Just don't dwell on it,put yourself and your welfare first.I am 31/2 months into NC and I know how hard it is,so you're not alone.I wish you well!
swansong519 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 You "ramble" all you need, friend. You keep talking about it until you're sick of talking about it. I am a new member here...but I am very touched by the concern of the members of this site. I have had an awful couple of years myself...the loss of my fiancee and her 2 daughters...the loss and subsequent court battle of my business...the death of one of my dogs... And I have found that what helps the most...is time... How much time, is unique to every person...so please don't get down on yourself because you're not "over it" yet. And the best way to help time pass more quickly is to keep busy/distracted. I read in one of your other posts that you go to the gym...great idea...wear yourself out....and get all buff in the process...the ladies love buff All you can do...is try as best you can to get on with your life and hope that time passes quickly....and be gentle with yourself. You're not alone.
Always Wrong Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Hang in there CB! Stay busy, clean, organized, active and employed! The rest takes care of itself at an agonizingly slow pace, it seems, but the world keeps turning... has the world stopped...? I'm getting off!
sedgwick Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 get all buff in the process...the ladies love buff i like skinny dorks. skinny dorks melt my heart. buff freaks me out.
vivrantflo Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Keep your head up man.. I'm in the same boat. 13 months and I still can't even date. Everyone heals at different times... just allow yourself that time, and before you know it... you'll be able to move on!
swansong519 Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 i like skinny dorks. skinny dorks melt my heart. buff freaks me out. I wasn't talking "arms so big you can't scratch your own arse, buff"...but point taken...lol
BrianG Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Man, i totally feel for you. Im about 3 months now and I am no where even close to getting over it for a long, long time, mainly because i dont want to, but have no choice to one day accept it one day. Continue to do what your doing and someday it will get better at least that is what im hoping. Your much more far along in the process of dealing with a break-up then me so you probably have a better understanding after more time. Try to think of the positives, I know it can be difficult sometimes but now you can do whatever you want, whenever you want and nobody to answer to. In a sense you a free whenever you let your heart and brain feel that way. I miss my ex more than anything, but you have to look at the positives in any given situation in order to come out of it as a better person for that next special somone.
Jmina Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 to move on you need to realise that there is no hope for the two of you. that is how i moved on. what is it going to take for you to realise that she isnt coming back and she doesnt want you back either? the only thing that is making you not let go is the fact that you have somewhere in side of you that is hoping she will come back....and this is normal, its okay. after time you realise its not going to happen. and you start to let go. for me, it took an email where i apologised for things and then gave her permission to hate me, and i was okay with that. this is 6-7 months of no contact. i sent it and she replied that she was moving on she wanted me to keep my distance from her and she wished me luck for 08. i expect your ex would do the same. the thing is you will get to this stage in a few months or more. its been 9 months, but really its been just the 5 months that you have been trying to come to terms with it all...so dont worry, you still are right just in the middle of it all. expect another 4-5 months before you really still will start to let it go. and its okay because it wont all be that bad, a lot of it will be able your own personal growth and this can be enjoyable. its gonna better, if you can truly love her this much, you can truly love yourself this much too, and you can let her go because you know what is right for both of you. and its not gonna happen today. you need more experiences and more knowledged gained so you can take those mental steps and do the letting go then. be kind to yourself, the depression part of a breakup actually does us a favour because it keeps us safe while we are vunerable. youre still vunerable in some ways, try to make this all about you and your own personal growth. Jmina
Always Wrong Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 9 months since she left for good; 5 months since I have seen/spoken to her. The pain is still deep and I still miss her very much. I have been with other women since, but it just doesn't feel right. I so badly want to contact her, but I know it's a no-win situation. Everyday I wake up hoping today will be the day she comes back, but I know that's only hurting me. She's moved on; I need to find the strength to do the same. Sorry for the ramble, it's just been a tough week..... Hey cecil brown! Have you read No Foolins' thread started back in 2005 five on this subject? It's called: "Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk" It was started the 13th of February 2005... it's one of the very best interactions on this very painful subject I've ever had the good fortune to stumble across. Read it man! It will definately help!
Author cecil brown Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 I appreciate all the words of support. This whole process has been a struggle, and everytime I think I'm making progress, I fall right back to a state of sadness and depression. I've been trying my best to keep her memories in the background, but recently a series of small events have pushed her right back into the forefront. It started when I went to lunch with a buddy of mine last week, who knows the ex. His wife is a real estate agent, who just happens to be helping the ex's parents buy a house. (just my luck). Anyways, he mentions that the ex's mom asked his wife how I was doing. That threw me for a loop, because her mother never cared for me too much when we were dating, but now she does? That got my mind thinking. Has the ex been talking to her mom about me, etc? I know I'm grasping at straws, but it was enough to get my mind going. Two days later, I go to lunch with another friend that works a few buildings down and that knows the ex. She mentions that the ex was in her office today, and how different she looks etc. Even though I know it shouldn't, it upset me that the ex was so close, but didn't care enough to stop and say hi. Then yesterday, I get an email from an old buddy I haven't talk to in about a year. First thing he asks about? Her..... Finally, the icing on the cake happens today. I'm driving up to see a buddy at work, and who do I pass on the road? Her.....I'm coming home from seeing my buddy and who do I pass again? Her..... The last 7 days have been hell on me. The triggers that started this may not seem like much, but hearing about her and seeing her is enough to make me want to break down. The tears have been flowing all day, and I'm so close to contacting her. I really am at a loss on what to do.... I'm so tired of breaking down over her and being depressed, but I haven't found anything that has given me the wonderful feelings that she did. In my heart, I still want a relationship with this woman. Even though she has a new boyfriend and has told me I'm not the one for her, I still don't want to let go. I trick myself into thinking if only I try one more time, things will be different. I can't accept the truth....
Always Wrong Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Oh man, it seems like you can't get away from her. That makes it difficult... really difficult. I got hooked on talk radio for a while after I split with mine. It took my mind off her and put something else there for me to think about... not the same with tv... go figure... but it really did help.
Author cecil brown Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 I've got the e-mail typed up ready to send, but I can't go through with it. I just want to let her know that she still has a place here...But I guess she probably already knows that...This is driving me mad.... The pain has been here everyday....every single day for the last 9+ months. No matter who I'm with, or what I'm doing, the pain always lingers. I work 2 jobs, 65+ hours a week to try and keep busy and keep my mind occupied.....I feel like I'm burning myself out to get over her. I'm so damn confused...
smileysmile Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 CB Sorry to hear you're in pain. We are in the same boat, however I have to see my ex and STBXW (when she actually files) for years to come. Because of our D who is only 14 mths. Think of that. I am in pain because someday she is going to be seriously dating another guy and I have to deal with it when I pick my D up and drop her off I will never get closure. You will eventually move on and let go unlike me. Although a micracle could happen if things weren't working out for her and she someday saw me in a different light. But I think she is to proud and stubborn to go back down that road. We have the baby as our connection and you just never know but maybe I won't want to ever go back if that ever happened. My eyes are still raw and I have my moments. She doesn't show any emotion. Has this protective barrier around her. She doesn't show her vunerability. That gets me. Hang in there.
randuff Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Well you are still doing better than me! Our situations started around the same time remember? Yeah well she is still in my life and dating the "other" guy!!! AAAANND she has stayed the night with me a few times, no kissing no sex no nothing, just sleep. I have no idea why I am putting myself through hell still. You are doing a fine job, just keep it up. These past few days will soon pass on again and you can keep on moving forward. Good Luck! R
Author cecil brown Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Hey rand, Sorry to hear things are still rough for you. I hope we both find some peace soon....
Author cecil brown Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 I haven't gathered the courage to send it....I want to let her know how I feel, but I think it might be selfish on my part to do that. If she's happily moved on, I'm sure she doesn't need me crawling back into her life.
D-Lish Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 We all heal in different timelines. I still think about my ex husband who I divorced 5 years ago because he got another woman pregnant. It's not that I still feel I love him- but I still feel the pain associated with that loss. It took me a good two years to really get straightened out after the split. But there was always some progression- some good days and bad. It does and will get easier. But you have to be an active participant in the process. That means dating, doing things that make you happy and caring for yourself. The most liberating thing that happened to me was defining who I was outside being part of a married couple. When you love someone, you often lose a part of yourself in them. Work at discovering who you are without her. I found a lot of solace in learning I don't need to define who I am through the love of another person. Time will continue to heal. You'll have good days and bad weeks. One day you will also wake up and realize you are over her.
Always Wrong Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I haven't gathered the courage to send it....I want to let her know how I feel, but I think it might be selfish on my part to do that. If she's happily moved on, I'm sure she doesn't need me crawling back into her life. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize. Then reword the email just slightly to encompass your concern for her feelings if she has indeed moved on, and let her know it's an unanswered question that's eating you up alive, and you need to hear from her again, with some compassion if at all possible on her part for your feelings as well, before you can get on with your life. AW
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