Florida Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Honestly Jilly, I agree with eyecandy-you had a bad play with that last message assuring him you are not a groupie and all that. That is the only thing to really regret, because if he gets all pissy because of an honest talk-whatever! Here is a fact. Jilly-don't think of a pink elephant!! Now-you thought of a pink elephant, right? Well going forward never never say "I don't do this blah blah" or anything explicit because IMMEDIATELY an image will pop up in his mind of you doing it. Which is exactly what you don't want. I'm sure he didn't think that, so why the need to say that? Sounds like your nerves got the best of you when you didn't hear back. You're better than that Jilly, you don't need to convince him of anything, at this point HE needs to convince YOU!
StartingOver07 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Yes, you're right, he did do all that. I guess then what is disturbing is that he has NOT returned any of the last texts I sent him last night, nor this morning. I wonder if maybe he feels like it was too much drama, or too much emotion and he doesnt want that. Thats what makes me think he has moved on and is over it. This is a possibility. I don't know him. But it may also be that he feels you have decided that he does have a gf, that nothing he can say will convince you. Or he's taking some time in the hopes that the topic will die down. I know, I know. You want more reassurance and a more emotive response. One thing that makes me curious, though, is that I never got the impression that you were serious about this guy, so are you unhappy because you've developed feelings you didn't expect to develop or is it more that your ego is bruised? Or have I just missed a bunch of posts somewhere along the line?
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 If you two aren't a couple im sure the last of his concerns is trying to validate a rumor. Since he is an athlete im sure he goes through this type of situation every week. He takes it for what its for and chuckle it up. He apologized for you having to read about him, but it seems like that's all he felt like he had to apologize for. People who always have the light on them have to be very cautious when it comes to everyone. And honestly if I was a celebrity and someones message is I am not a groupie! then guess what? you are. And they are the ones you hang out with, but don't invite them in your life True. But last weekend, I was invited to meet close friends of his family (guys who work for his Dad, and have known his family for years), so despite the comment that you took literally, no, I dont think he has ever viewed me as a groupie, as he has brought me into his life before. Last year, I also met his sister and she and I ended up having a spa day together, that he arranged for us. So no, its not quite that basic.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 One day isn't fallen silent. A week, well, that's fallen silent... No, you take control and make the ball be in your court. As I said earlier, if you LIKE this guy and want a relationship, then take the chance and put it out there. how you feel, ask how he feels. Just be honest and speak from your heart. Atleast this way if it doesn't work out, you'll know you tried hard. IF you don't try, you may regret it somewhere down the line..
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 And DO NOT do it online. This is a face to face talk or on the phone discussion to have with him. Online only confuses things and neither of you get a real feel of the mood.
Florida Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Honestly Jilly, I agree with eyecandy-you had a bad play with that last message assuring him you are not a groupie and all that. That is the only thing to really regret, because if he gets all pissy because of an honest talk-whatever! I tried to edit the above to say this: I agree with the *part* eyecandy said about the last message was unnecessary, because you don't need to convince him that you aren't that way.
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Honestly Jilly, I agree with eyecandy-you had a bad play with that last message assuring him you are not a groupie and all that. That is the only thing to really regret, because if he gets all pissy because of an honest talk-whatever! Here is a fact. Jilly-don't think of a pink elephant!! Now-you thought of a pink elephant, right? Well going forward never never say "I don't do this blah blah" or anything explicit because IMMEDIATELY an image will pop up in his mind of you doing it. Which is exactly what you don't want. I'm sure he didn't think that, so why the need to say that? Sounds like your nerves got the best of you when you didn't hear back. You're better than that Jilly, you don't need to convince him of anything, at this point HE needs to convince YOU! LOL. You're right, you're right. I was me being a bad place, and waking up to realize he hadn't responded back, and I tweaked. I guess because I was feeling like bringing all of this up at all I might be perceived as less than my intentions. I just really think hes done and thats moving on. AGAIN. Its like history repeating itself, like I told him.
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 This is a possibility. I don't know him. But it may also be that he feels you have decided that he does have a gf, that nothing he can say will convince you. Or he's taking some time in the hopes that the topic will die down. I know, I know. You want more reassurance and a more emotive response. One thing that makes me curious, though, is that I never got the impression that you were serious about this guy, so are you unhappy because you've developed feelings you didn't expect to develop or is it more that your ego is bruised? Or have I just missed a bunch of posts somewhere along the line? True. He may feel like I have charged him with the crime, even though I have not. And I didnt say in our exchange that I believed it, just that it really upset me. And I dont know him well enough either to know if hes off to the next, or if he is letting this settle down or not. Yes, I really was crazy about him last year when we met. And spending time with him recently has brought all of that back. I dont fall for too many guys, but he has always been someone I would love to see things take off with. But yes, I am also currently feeling very much like one of his (imagined) harem, and that since I have now spoken up about my needs, I have sealed my fate and I am being banished for acting up. Which is NOT something I will ever be a part of, since if I cant tell a guy Im intimate with that I am feeling something, then screw him anyhow.
D-Lish Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Hey, D! I agree. You can imagine how my heart sunk when I was reading these things about him. Particularly after the trip... Admittedly my methods weren't the best, but remember, hes a manchild, and sometimes the direct approach doesnt work as well as it would on an older guy. lol. You're right - if he does disappear, then it could be because he does have a GF in the city he plays in, and figures I am too hot on the trail to be easy about it all and not cause problems down the road (because I am the type who would - lol). I just really think since he hasn't responded to my last messages that he has moved on from the "drama", ie. female emotions. And that makes me sad AND pisses me off. Please start a thread with what you did the other night so I can rightfully comment on it! lol. Girl, so been there and (doing) that. Sometimes I wonder if it's time to just stop dating the manchildren.... I know I am getting tired of it. I don't think what you said was too "drama-ish" anyway. You have every right to ask those questions. If he moved on because of that... then he was a guy lacking in substance and not worthy of your energy anyway. Sometimes guys like that do have a gf in every "port"... Yet, some of them are stand up guys. As I told you, my NHL'er was married with a secret apartment fully furnished, a secret cell phone, and a real accomplished liar. Yes- All I had to do was google him.... I think you will hear from him. Your questions were valid. I don't want to post my e-mail- I am embarrassed. I basically told him I wouldn't be his booty call- and things had been running smoothly up until then- and I haven't heard from him since. lol. You're not going to text this guy again right? Waiting for him to text you I hope!!
Touche Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 This is exactly what happens when you sleep with someone without having, if not a commitment, at least some understanding of exclusivity. You didn't and so this is the result. I'll be kind of surprised if you hear back from him. It's obvious that you thought you were exclusive but it isn't what he's necessarily looking for. It may be that he's innocent of what he's been accused of. However, his non-response tells me that he wasn't looking for exclusivity with you. If he was, he'd be right on top of those messages, with some kind of concrete reassurance that you mean more to him than just a casual fling.
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 One day isn't fallen silent. A week, well, that's fallen silent... No, you take control and make the ball be in your court. As I said earlier, if you LIKE this guy and want a relationship, then take the chance and put it out there. how you feel, ask how he feels. Just be honest and speak from your heart. Atleast this way if it doesn't work out, you'll know you tried hard. IF you don't try, you may regret it somewhere down the line.. True. So, then do I give it until THU and then call and ask if I can come by to get my earrings?
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 D - no, I will NOT be contacting him again. The ball is really in his court, and if he keeps up the NC with me, then I have my answer that he was only interested in a very casual fling with me, for however long it lasted. Clearly my actions last night would lead him to realize I am looking for more, so if he blows me off entirely, then I have my answer. And if you told him you wanted more than a booty call and he doesnt respond, then isnt that pretty much what I am going through right now? I think we do a disservice to ourselves if we dont speak our needs and goals. If a guy doesnt mirror that, then aren't we better off? I mean, I will be bummed if the baller goes away AGAIN, but at least this time, I will know its because we werent looking for the same things. Not a bad thing to know. Touche - agreed. But no, I never assumed we were exclusive, but knowing him as much as I do, I do know his values on this topic. But, talk is cheap - its one thing to TELL me hes not a skirt chaser, its entirely another to show me. And I didnt accuse him of anything. I told him what I read, and said that it hurt me to read those things. But you could very well be right that his intentions were always purely casual, and I am preparing myself fully for that outcome.
D-Lish Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 And if you told him you wanted more than a booty call and he doesnt respond, then isnt that pretty much what I am going through right now? I think we do a disservice to ourselves if we dont speak our needs and goals. If a guy doesnt mirror that, then aren't we better off? I mean, I will be bummed if the baller goes away AGAIN, but at least this time, I will know its because we werent looking for the same things. Not a bad thing to know. Agreed 100%. I was pretty drunk when I wrote the e-mail- as you were when you texted fb. But the bottom line is that If you don't set a precedence ie: " I won't be part of a harem...I won't be your go-to booty-call " then you could be getting involved in something you really don't want anyway. If he walks because of this- then I'd say something shady is up. After spending 4 days in Maui together- I'd have some expectations too. And I, like you, would not put up with being "one of many"....if that is the case here. My guy flew in last night- so I know he is home. I have my phone off and my msn off.... because I am terrified to turn it on and see there is no message. I'm so silly.
oppath Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 D-lish, you are silly. Sexy, smart, funny women aren't all that available, so that guy is an idiot if he makes you feel at all like a booty call. You'll be the one rejecting him, after all, and months from now he'll be saying to his buddies "damn, I really wish I would have hung out with her more. She was really cool."
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Agreed 100%. I was pretty drunk when I wrote the e-mail- as you were when you texted fb. But the bottom line is that If you don't set a precedence ie: " I won't be part of a harem...I won't be your go-to booty-call " then you could be getting involved in something you really don't want anyway. If he walks because of this- then I'd say something shady is up. After spending 4 days in Maui together- I'd have some expectations too. And I, like you, would not put up with being "one of many"....if that is the case here. My guy flew in last night- so I know he is home. I have my phone off and my msn off.... because I am terrified to turn it on and see there is no message. I'm so silly. Exactly! If he does walk, then it shows me one of two things. Either he does have a GF elsewhere, OR he just doesnt want anything more than very, very casual with me. Either way, good riddance to bad rubbish, right? God - I have done that phone trick. Though sometimes I just turn the ringer off entirely...
johan Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Well you can replace him as easily as he can replace you.
Touche Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 D - no, I will NOT be contacting him again. The ball is really in his court, and if he keeps up the NC with me, then I have my answer that he was only interested in a very casual fling with me, for however long it lasted. Clearly my actions last night would lead him to realize I am looking for more, so if he blows me off entirely, then I have my answer. And if you told him you wanted more than a booty call and he doesnt respond, then isnt that pretty much what I am going through right now? I think we do a disservice to ourselves if we dont speak our needs and goals. If a guy doesnt mirror that, then aren't we better off? I mean, I will be bummed if the baller goes away AGAIN, but at least this time, I will know its because we werent looking for the same things. Not a bad thing to know. Touche - agreed. But no, I never assumed we were exclusive, but knowing him as much as I do, I do know his values on this topic. But, talk is cheap - its one thing to TELL me hes not a skirt chaser, its entirely another to show me. And I didnt accuse him of anything. I told him what I read, and said that it hurt me to read those things. But you could very well be right that his intentions were always purely casual, and I am preparing myself fully for that outcome. His non-response says it all. You were clearly looking for reassurances that any man who is truly invested would have given you. I think you're smart to prepare yourself for the outcome here. And think about what you've learned here and how you would approach something like this differently next time.
D-Lish Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 D-lish, you are silly. Sexy, smart, funny women aren't all that available, so that guy is an idiot if he makes you feel at all like a booty call. You'll be the one rejecting him, after all, and months from now he'll be saying to his buddies "damn, I really wish I would have hung out with her more. She was really cool." LOL. Thanks for the kind words. ;-) Dating seems to be a frustrating thing for all of us. Someone start a thread titled "HERE ARE ALL THE ANSWERS"
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 So I just got an email from the baller. I would paste it, but a lot of it rambles and goes off on tangents, and his spelling and grammar kinda suck (lol) so I will refrain and just excerpt it - lol. He basically told me the following: He does indeed like me very much and did last year as well. He said he feels a great connection with me, and that it sometimes leaves him not sure what to do about "us", so often it is easier for him to push me out of his world for the moment (or longer - lol), like last night. He went on to say that the reason he holds me at arms length is because he puts his career as #1 right now in his life. He said although he has a great contract and is very well ranked, he always feels like he has to look behind himself to make sure someone younger or faster or stronger isn't closing in. He said that since he knows he has a short pro career, he is totally commited to focusing solely on that for now. He went on to say that I am everything he would want in a wife, a partner, etc., just that for right now, he can't give me a 100% time commitment to the relationship. He said he fears "losing himself" from being with me, and therefore losing focus on work. He said he wished we had met 5 years from now... So, he said he really wants to continue seeing me, and seeing how things go and grow between us. He said he doesnt want me out of his life, but he also fears he can't give me what I deserve right now. I am thankful for his honesty, but I also am not looking to be Ms. Right Now. I don't want to play ****s and giggles for a few months, until he leaves in July for camp and he tells me, "But, babe, you KNEW I had to leave! I'll see you in January (or February)!" OK, I know it wouldn't quite be like that, but still... I just need something in my life right now that has more open possibilities, rather than a "potential 5-year plan". I truly respect his dedication and focus, and if he were me, I can't say I would be any different. I just think this is not going to be the situation I want in my life, and I am going to (sadly) walk from it.
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Are you going to punt? LOL. Looks like it... Well, that and a hot fudge sundae.
D-Lish Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Hard choice- but probably the right one for you. Besides- if you choose to walk, you leave with your power and dignity intact. I always feel better when I am the one that makes that choice.
oppath Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Besides- if you choose to walk, you leave with your power and dignity intact. I always feel better when I am the one that makes that choice. Me too. I only wish they'd sometimes give me enough information so I could make that choice. Usually they are evasive and dishonest -- and I sense it and it comes to a head -- but they end it rather than tell me what is going on. It's weird, because I'd be about to end it anyway, but I'm left feeling stripped, whereas if they would have simply told me what was going on in their lives, I would have said "this is over" myself. I interpret his message to mean "I like you and care but I don't know how I feel about you, and I don't think my feelings will grow more strong anytime soon. You are everything I want, but my feelings just aren't there right now and I don't expect them to be in the near term. So...do with that what you will. If you want to keep seeing me, I'm game, if not, I understand." Tell him you think punting is for pussies but you've decided to drop kick him out of your life.
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Me too. I only wish they'd sometimes give me enough information so I could make that choice. Usually they are evasive and dishonest -- and I sense it and it comes to a head -- but they end it rather than tell me what is going on. It's weird, because I'd be about to end it anyway, but I'm left feeling stripped, whereas if they would have simply told me what was going on in their lives, I would have said "this is over" myself. I interpret his message to mean "I like you and care but I don't know how I feel about you, and I don't think my feelings will grow more strong anytime soon. You are everything I want, but my feelings just aren't there right now and I don't expect them to be in the near term. So...do with that what you will. If you want to keep seeing me, I'm game, if not, I understand." Tell him you think punting is for pussies but you've decided to drop kick him out of your life. Interesting interpretation. lol. It's not what he said at all, actually, but again, I left a lot out, for the sake of brevity. He said his feelings ARE there, its just that he is not in a position right now for a serious relationship leading to marriage in a year or so with ANYONE. His career is too important right now, and he is choosing to make that his priority and his focus. He wasn't nearly as casual as your interpretation. He still very much wants to keep seeing each other and see what happens. I am just not interested in running the risk that even if our feelings develop deeper for each other, that I would still be benched in lieu of the 5-year plan. And I have no feelings of hostility towards him to drop kick him out of my life. I am thankful he was honest, and therefore gave me the ability to make my own choice.
Author Jilly Bean Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Hard choice- but probably the right one for you. Besides- if you choose to walk, you leave with your power and dignity intact. I always feel better when I am the one that makes that choice. Yes - it totally sucks, as I really do like him and we have a lot of fun together, but I don't want to get into something at this phase of my life that doesn't match my own personal romantic goals. He and I are at very different points in our lives, and for now, it's just not going to work for me. I want too much from a man right now, to settle for getting 6 months of focus, and then 6 months of, "do you want me to fly you to the Seattle game or not?"
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