brightstar Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Just to be brief, I have been in an A for almost four years. I am married as well. I have been married for 21 years. ups and downs but I have to say for the past two years things at home have really been good. So why the affair you ask? I started it 4 years ago b/c I was bored and able to get away with it. I never imagined it would be four years later. There have been countless times I have tried to walk away. He is married almost 20 years as well. He has had a rough time with his M snice I met him. "he;s leaving, she's leaving" of course he has swore they have not been intimate for all this time. ( which I obviously dont believe) but I do know 100 percent that they have major issues. But of course they are both still there. He is the kind of guy that need a lot of "woman" friends......woman telling him how wonderful he is.....he has more woman friends that male friends. I do know how he feels about me, but I also know it;s about the way I make him feel. We have had many bouts of NC and such but I end up going back. The question is why? Why the addiction to someone who I really would never leave my husband for. I dont really like a lot of things about him at all but for those few hours when we are together the chemisty is just out of this world..... I go for days on end where I dont even want to talk to him at all and then all of a sudden I get the urge to call him and want to see him. At this point we havent seen each other for probably 7 weeks but have communicated... the reason being, I chose not see him. I dont want to end up with this man at all so why cant I just let it go once and for all? We are actually at the point again where we are not talking and I think he has had enough of my rollercoaster with his feelings. I truly want to be done with this whole thing........have been trying for many months......... any advice, any thoughts??????
Cobra_X30 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I started it 4 years ago b/c I was bored and able to get away with it. Well, first off that's probably the single worst reason I've heard for an affair. It shows alot about your character. The addiction comes for you from the excitement and drama. Possibly also the competition/chase. There are a couple of ways you may be able to end it. First off, I really doubt that you can do no contact on your own. Find someone to help hold you to it. Maybe that means telling your H... though I doubt you respect or love him enough to take that step. So find someone else... even if its a counselor or therapist. Conversely, you can just sit and let things run thier course. It seems like you have gotten away with things thus far... more than likely you can just drag things on until this MM simply gets tired of you, or finds someone who will hold him to NC.
cj1988 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Your are playing a game inside yourself. When you really think about it you know that you are doing the wrong thing and it will go nowhere by YOUR choice as well as his.....but the everyday life in a LTR is hard and very boring sometimes. This man is your outlet to your other side and that is not good. If you really love your H and you want to be with him, stop seeing this man. He sounds like player (my mom wasted 23 years on one) that has a lot of "female friends" I am sure he has been intimate with his W or he would have been gone. I am also sure you are not the only either. So, it is easy what do you want? Let me ask you this....what would you do if you thought your H was in a 4 year A? How do you think he would feel if he ever found out, you would then realize too late what you had right in front of your face. So, just be careful and do not waste precious time and get in or out of your M.....look at the OM compared to your H, is he worth losing what you have and hurting your H????
frannie Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Possibly controversial, but I don't think it's terribly unusual to want a little spice and excitement in life, the kind that you don't get from your partner. Some would be appalled, some societies might say it was 'normal'. Is anyone getting harmed here? Are you..? Where really is the problem..? Do you love your husband and wish things were better with him? Is there another way you can get that excitement that does not involve behaviour which might risk your marriage?
Author brightstar Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 well thank you all for responding.....To answer a few questions, yes, I did get involved with this MM who I actually met on vacation. He took my friends and my email at the time was very benign...... Him and I started chatting for a while and decided to meet.....( I know, big mistake) and it kind of developed from there. At the time I was having some troubles in my marriage and yes, I know he was not the answer.... My H and I have gone to therapy and actually it was me who needed to get things together in myself..... Should I have ended this years ago, yes.....I tried and went back and forth and yes I do feel the guilt to my husband and no he does not deserve that...... I really am focused on letting this A go........I WANT to let it go.........I know things are never perfect in a marriage and we all have our outlets. This was one of mine and of course I know that is not the answer. I have to say the MM has caused me more heartache than not. do I think I have been the only one with the MM..........no, I do not. I did block my e-mail so he cannot write me........and at this point, yes, I do think he is fed up with the back and forth from me. I am hoping I can move on once and for all. As far as the comment about "character" we all make mistakes.........
Author brightstar Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 I also want to add that he lives in the next state and for the past year plus I saw him once every few weeks.......not that it makes it right but yes, the "excitement and drama" did give me that "hgh" and I am def. doing other things in my life that can do the same for me.
frannie Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I really am focused on letting this A go........I WANT to let it go.........I know things are never perfect in a marriage and we all have our outlets. This was one of mine and of course I know that is not the answer. I have to say the MM has caused me more heartache than not. I am hoping I can move on once and for all. As far as the comment about "character" we all make mistakes......... Oh don't worry about the 'character' comments... there are some perfect people on LS, I hear... I hear, but I don't believe It's good that you've blocked email contact with him. It's not easy, I know. But if you have the desire and the will to do it, I believe you can... so I wish you well, and strength.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 The addiction is simple and easy to understand. When a married person wants to cheat, they have to bring out the A game in order to seal the deal and they have to try twice as hard to get laid as a single guy. Why? Because how else will you accomplish getting a girl to compromise her values and her sense of self worth? Ask any woman if she would consider going out with a married guy, and you get an ... "ew... no way would I do that". Now, take Mr. Married, who pursues her, woos her, treats her like a queen, romances her, seduces her, and makes her feel like a character in a fantasy movie about love/seduction/romance - all the while whining and puling about how his wife mistreats him, how underappreciated he is, how his wife doesn't understand him... and a married woman? All he has to do is strike when the iron is hot on that one. He does all of this, and MW makes him into the 'anti husband' - the man she wishes her husband would be. Her mind makes him into that, and he becomes that which will save her from her own seemingly lifeless marriage. That same girl who said "ew... no way" is now willing to compromise what she feels is right, and is willing to sacrifice her self worth by agreeing to be that 'dirty side secret' because here is a man treating her like she never thought possible - a man who makes her feel sexy, who makes her feel like a true soulmate, one who makes her feel connected in ways she hadn't considered and on top of that - one that makes her feel like she and she alone can provide comfort outside of his trap of a "loveless/sexless" marriage. Once MM seals the deal, its easy from there. MW willingly betrays her own husband, because MM has come to represent hope/escape - all of her romantic and sexual dreams come true. All MM has to do now is show up, more or less. He can have ten second sex or blowjob in the back of a car in a seedy hidden back alley and she will see it as 'love'. It works the same way for a crackhead who sees that next hit as a good thing, even as it kills the addict a little more each time. OW becomes addicted to being made to feel like a soulmate, like a savior, like a goddess. MM only gets to sneak time here and there, and he makes the most of that time by being romantic/passionate/sexy - he wants the fantasy, so he creates it for as long as he can get away with it, or at least until he gets bored. Then, he simply stops the charade and moves on. You are in love with a charade. A warped funhouse mirror image of your own hopes and desires, created whole cloth from lies, deception, and furtive sex. It isn't MM you are afraid to let go of. It is your own hopes and desires for what you wish you could have in your life. He makes you feel alive, even as he kills you emotionally a little more each time you find yourself crawling back. You can't give it up any more than a prisoner will give up looking out of his window and hoping for freedom. A prisoner loses touch with the reality of freedom though - there is a rehabilitation process, the shock of going back into the world, being shunned and rejected for his crimes, the impossibility of landing a decent job, restarting a life, etc. - the dream of what we perceive as "freedom" is always better than the reality of it in most cases. I would wager that is true in your case as well. Stop running toward MM. Try to figure out what it is you are running from. Fix that, and you will be a good deal more happy than you would be in this endless and pointless cycle you are stuck in with MM.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 So why the affair you ask? I started it 4 years ago b/c I was bored and able to get away with it. I never imagined it would be four years later. I truly want to be done with this whole thing........have been trying for many months......... any advice, any thoughts?????? Tell your husband about your affair, it'll end completely once you tell him the truth.
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) Does your husband and MM's wife know of the long term affair? Edited January 22, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Cobra_X30 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Should I have ended this years ago, yes.....I tried and went back and forth and yes I do feel the guilt to my husband and no he does not deserve that...... I really am focused on letting this A go........I WANT to let it go.........I know things are never perfect in a marriage and we all have our outlets. This was one of mine and of course I know that is not the answer. I have to say the MM has caused me more heartache than not. do I think I have been the only one with the MM..........no, I do not. I did block my e-mail so he cannot write me........and at this point, yes, I do think he is fed up with the back and forth from me. I am hoping I can move on once and for all. As far as the comment about "character" we all make mistakes......... Let me clarify what I was saying in reference to character. Yes we all make mistakes. It's how we handle those mistakes that shows us who we are inside. You are admitting that what you did is a mistake, and you are taking ownership of it. That's very good! However, I dont think your quite there yet. See you have to, at some point try to fix that mistake. Try to make things right. That's the hard part because it requires you take whatever punishment comes. If your unwilling to pay the price, you do not truely regret your actions. I know you feel bad for what has happened... but really... how do you plan to make it right? So I suppose the question is who are you vs. who you want to be?
Mustang Sally Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 LB - Brilliance. Pure brilliance. Thanks for that. I think we need to post that at the top of this forum and make it required reading.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 LB - Brilliance. Pure brilliance. Thanks for that. I think we need to post that at the top of this forum and make it required reading. Yeah excellent post LB. Makes me think of a MM being a Cult Leader and doing some serious brainwashing...
Mustang Sally Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Yeah excellent post LB. Makes me think of a MM being a Cult Leader and doing some serious brainwashing... Ha! Love it, WWIU. "Don't drink the koolaid....."
Author brightstar Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 you know it's funny b/c my therapist.....at the time had said he didnt think I should tell my husband b/c he felt it would do no good and that it would just be unloading my guilt which of course I will have to live with forever.......I want to thank you all for your responses and just know that reading them has of course confirmed what I need and have needed to do and that is end it.....I'm on the road
Owl Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Your counselor told you that because he was an "IC"...individual counselor. He wasn't a "MC"...marriage counselor. He doesn't give a darn about your marriage or relationship to your H...he's only interested in making you feel better about yourself. That's why IC's are often the biggest enemy to a marriage that there is. They don't give you advice to handle the "big picture"...their advice is going to be solely focused on what makes you feel better. Telling your H is NOT transferring your guilt. It WILL provide you a couple of things, however. It'll let you 'clear the air'...and rebuild a better marriage than before...assuming one thing. That your H will want to rebuild that marriage. I seriously suggest that you get some background on how to recover your marriage from infidelity...ASAP. There are several good books out there. Go to an MC instead of an IC...one who has a good, solid gameplan for recovering marriages from infidelity. And plan on telling your H just as soon as you get a handle on what's going to happen from there. How he's likely to react, what you need to do to help him deal with it...etc... Here's the deal. The odds are VERY high that he'll fight to save the marriage. And he can help you to end the affair when you're not strong enough to do it on your own. He can help you to become accountable...to keep NC in place. He can help you fix the things that aren't right, he can work with you to figure out what emotional needs you're not getting met at home and start meeting them. The first step to all of that is to tell him.
Author brightstar Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Hi Owl, actually the therapist is both......he has actually seen my husband and I together as well as individually. he is very pro-marriage. with that being said he has still said to not tell my husband but then again I stopped going a while ago and at the time was off with the A. I question every single day whether to tell my husband and with counseling I have figured out that part that is missing in the marriage and I worked with the therapist to see what avenues to take to fill that little piece. The A has been a once in a while thing for a very long time now. I just want it to be over forever and I am in NC. blocked my mail and such. the question I posed at the beginning of the thread was basically why the addiction? I know it is like a drug. we all know it's no good, but we love the feeling. I really am on the road here. Do I owe it to my husband to tell him....probably....at this point I would like to get passed it without hurting anyone else but I might just tell him....... I am taking one day at a time. without the MM that is.
Owl Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I don't see any other way for you to establish long term NC and have a good marriage in the process. Its up to you. I feel you do owe it to your H. I feel that you owe it to yourself too.
Babybird Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 The addiction is simple and easy to understand. When a married person wants to cheat, they have to bring out the A game in order to seal the deal and they have to try twice as hard to get laid as a single guy. Why? Because how else will you accomplish getting a girl to compromise her values and her sense of self worth? Ask any woman if she would consider going out with a married guy, and you get an ... "ew... no way would I do that". Now, take Mr. Married, who pursues her, woos her, treats her like a queen, romances her, seduces her, and makes her feel like a character in a fantasy movie about love/seduction/romance - all the while whining and puling about how his wife mistreats him, how underappreciated he is, how his wife doesn't understand him... and a married woman? All he has to do is strike when the iron is hot on that one. He does all of this, and MW makes him into the 'anti husband' - the man she wishes her husband would be. Her mind makes him into that, and he becomes that which will save her from her own seemingly lifeless marriage. That same girl who said "ew... no way" is now willing to compromise what she feels is right, and is willing to sacrifice her self worth by agreeing to be that 'dirty side secret' because here is a man treating her like she never thought possible - a man who makes her feel sexy, who makes her feel like a true soulmate, one who makes her feel connected in ways she hadn't considered and on top of that - one that makes her feel like she and she alone can provide comfort outside of his trap of a "loveless/sexless" marriage. Once MM seals the deal, its easy from there. MW willingly betrays her own husband, because MM has come to represent hope/escape - all of her romantic and sexual dreams come true. All MM has to do now is show up, more or less. He can have ten second sex or blowjob in the back of a car in a seedy hidden back alley and she will see it as 'love'. It works the same way for a crackhead who sees that next hit as a good thing, even as it kills the addict a little more each time. OW becomes addicted to being made to feel like a soulmate, like a savior, like a goddess. MM only gets to sneak time here and there, and he makes the most of that time by being romantic/passionate/sexy - he wants the fantasy, so he creates it for as long as he can get away with it, or at least until he gets bored. Then, he simply stops the charade and moves on. You are in love with a charade. A warped funhouse mirror image of your own hopes and desires, created whole cloth from lies, deception, and furtive sex. It isn't MM you are afraid to let go of. It is your own hopes and desires for what you wish you could have in your life. He makes you feel alive, even as he kills you emotionally a little more each time you find yourself crawling back. You can't give it up any more than a prisoner will give up looking out of his window and hoping for freedom. A prisoner loses touch with the reality of freedom though - there is a rehabilitation process, the shock of going back into the world, being shunned and rejected for his crimes, the impossibility of landing a decent job, restarting a life, etc. - the dream of what we perceive as "freedom" is always better than the reality of it in most cases. I would wager that is true in your case as well. Stop running toward MM. Try to figure out what it is you are running from. Fix that, and you will be a good deal more happy than you would be in this endless and pointless cycle you are stuck in with MM. Although there are some, not all women in A are that naive and pathetic sounding and not all A's have that much romance and 'glamor'. The men in A's aren't always just sex or a quick BJ in the car. That was a lovely and I'm sure accurate way to describe some A's but not all of them. Once again, in the never ending battle to prove that not all men in A's are a&&holes, liars, nymphos and masters of manipulation, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe they are telling the truth? Maybe they are in a loveless M that the 'non-existing' sex life means once every blue moon? That maybe the women here might have enough courage to admit that what a lot of the reasons men are having A's are things we as women can identify with. We turn into cold-hearted rags that complain and don't put out and find every fault in the man while he really says nothing? Have you ever withheld sex for months because he repulsed you? Your skin crawled at his touch so you could only 'make love' when you were drunk or just so sick of fighting about it you put your toy away for the night and gave in? Maybe thats when he, or she for that matter, strays. And NO, that doesn't make it right, or moral, or any other title you want to put on it but it does prove a point. If you have ever experienced a bad place in your M, with no sex, no communication, and the only thing you seem to have in common anymore is the children that could be your H or W out there having the affair. Would they be lying if they told the OP the same story? Or is it all based on perception? Man sees no problem. Woman has ten page long list of crap that is wrong with the house, the relationship, the car, the kids, etc. Then surprise, surprise...he has an affair. Hmmmm....who is looking through the fun house mirror? And what does that say about how men and women perceive relationships differently? LB: I absolutely was NOT trying to go off on you. I haven't visited for a while and have read a bunch of pages and this was where all my thoughts came out. I do believe that there are A's like the one you played out...but not all of them. I was venting and you got the brunt.
bentnotbroken Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 Although there are some, not all women in A are that naive and pathetic sounding and not all A's have that much romance and 'glamor'. The men in A's aren't always just sex or a quick BJ in the car. That was a lovely and I'm sure accurate way to describe some A's but not all of them. Once again, in the never ending battle to prove that not all men in A's are a&&holes, liars, nymphos and masters of manipulation, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe they are telling the truth? Maybe they are in a loveless M that the 'non-existing' sex life means once every blue moon? That maybe the women here might have enough courage to admit that what a lot of the reasons men are having A's are things we as women can identify with. We turn into cold-hearted rags that complain and don't put out and find every fault in the man while he really says nothing? Have you ever withheld sex for months because he repulsed you? Your skin crawled at his touch so you could only 'make love' when you were drunk or just so sick of fighting about it you put your toy away for the night and gave in? Maybe thats when he, or she for that matter, strays. And NO, that doesn't make it right, or moral, or any other title you want to put on it but it does prove a point. If you have ever experienced a bad place in your M, with no sex, no communication, and the only thing you seem to have in common anymore is the children that could be your H or W out there having the affair. Would they be lying if they told the OP the same story? Or is it all based on perception? Man sees no problem. Woman has ten page long list of crap that is wrong with the house, the relationship, the car, the kids, etc. Then surprise, surprise...he has an affair. Hmmmm....who is looking through the fun house mirror? And what does that say about how men and women perceive relationships differently? LB: I absolutely was NOT trying to go off on you. I haven't visited for a while and have read a bunch of pages and this was where all my thoughts came out. I do believe that there are A's like the one you played out...but not all of them. I was venting and you got the brunt. Unless the MM has told his wife he is having an affair, that makes them liars. And the truth is most,(and I do mean most, not all)cheating people have not told their spouses that they are sleeping with someone else. That makes all of them who do not tell, liars. Hope your vent helped.
Babybird Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 Unless the MM has told his wife he is having an affair, that makes them liars. And the truth is most,(and I do mean most, not all)cheating people have not told their spouses that they are sleeping with someone else. That makes all of them who do not tell, liars. Hope your vent helped. Yes, it helped. You are right. It does make them all liars. I guess I meant the liar aspect in the version of life that they are telling the OW. But good point!
OWoman Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 You are right. It does make them all liars. I guess I meant the liar aspect in the version of life that they are telling the OW. But good point! There are lies of commission and lies of omission. Lying to the W is usually lies of omission - simply not telling the W, rather than actively telling her an untruth. Some MM actively lie to their OW, either telling her he's not M, or stringing her along (like Mattym claims to have done to him OW). Some people see all lying as equally evil and don't distinguish between the two kinds, or any other (not too long ago there was a poster who claimed she wouldn't even tell a white lie to her preschool child and say a painting was nice when she thought it was a mess, because that would be dishonest). People of this camp often say, all CS are liars! Some people have a more nuanced view and see the selective telling or withholding of information as situationally appropriate. People of this camp often say, My MM doesn't lie! Depends on how absolute or relative your views are on these matters.
Author brightstar Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 well lets be honest here........married people having affairs are lying....in some sense. not telling my husband of the affair is not right although it's not like he asked and I lied about it but yes, was I being dishonest and living a "lie"....most definitly and that has been something that has made me feel extremely guilty and hurtful. If I found out my husband did this to me, I would be extremely hurt. I can say that my MM although must have had some guilt almost felt like he had the "right" to do it b/c of his miserable situation at home. That is something we did not agree on. I want to just add that it has been over a week since we last spoke, I still have my mail blocked and I really feel I am on the road to being done with this whole thing. Just wanted to give a little update to the few who responded to my initial post.
OWoman Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 I want to just add that it has been over a week since we last spoke, I still have my mail blocked and I really feel I am on the road to being done with this whole thing. You sound strong, brightstar! Great that it is working well for you.
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