jdeedee Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I've been accepting some bitter truths about my past relationship and I am feeling pretty guilty about the entire thing. I think I was unhappy for a very long time in the relationship and she knew it, but rather than work with her on the problems I may have denied them. I notice right now I am using modal verbs, I can't really accept that I did these things, I might have done them. Perhaps I still am in denial, it's just hard for me to accept that I didn't give the relationship my all. Because that's really what I want to believe, I want to believe that when you are in a relationship you try your hardest to make it work. Any realization that I didn't give it my entire self, that I wasn't all there. That just tears me up. We were fighting a lot, she didn't think I wanted her, I didn't think she wanted me. Perhaps it was a battle of low self worth? I don't know. In a relationship I try to behave towards my partner the way I want her to reciprocate. If I want a back rub I will ask, but more than that, I will give her a nice long massage in hopes of the same in return. If I want more compliments I'll tell her she is beautiful, if I want to hear "I love you" I'll say it to her. I think this is very passive behavior and it usually doesn't work, at all. In this past relationship it was no different. She always had trouble outright complementing me, only now when the dust has settled do I really see how hard she tried. Had I noticed at the time I would have been so happy, so proud of her. Perhaps it wasn't as easy for her to just say things as it is for me. I never really understood that and I think at some points I hated her for this. She knew sometimes I hated her. I always denied it and I feel so awful even now admitting it. I didn't hate her but I hated some aspects of her. She couldn't say things without spending hours preparing the proper words. Our communication was so imbalanced and broken. She would think long and hard for the right words to say and then I would just not understand them. I would look at her all the time, lovingly, after a shower, in the morning laying next to her, in the car before dropping her off at work and she would always say "What?" How I hated that word, "What." Any time my eyes were on her she would say it and it slowly turned into this hateful word for me. I am at a loss of words to explain why she would always ask me "What?" There was no deep dark secret behind me lovingly smiling at her. I was happy, I was happy because I was with her, that's why I was looking at her. Anyway in the end I just feel awful that I did harbor so much negativity towards her during the relationship. I really did love her but sometimes our weak communication, her inability to say yes -- always No or Maybe, my passive desire for self affirmation... I am so happy that I am working on these things but at the same time I am truly worried I won't accomplish anything and instead I will destroy a nonexistent future relationship. I feel guilty for abandoning my relationship with her. I should have tried harder.
carrotgirl Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Thank you. It's a tough day today. This helps. The what thing could have been me with GD. Carrot
Author jdeedee Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 I just reread what I wrote, my ex was right, I have no compassion If I had some little ounce of empathy I would never had felt so angry and hateful to someone who loved me.
NiceGirlcomeslast Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Wow, that "what?" thing is so familiar, not as something I hated but because whenever my ex would look at me I would say it. It's hard even when someone says you are the most beautiful girl in the world, that they think you are gorgeous, when they look lovingly at you all you can think is oh he is looking at my spot, or I must look hideous. It's low self esteem, lack of confidence, all the usual jazz. You don't think of it as a rejection of that persons gaze you see it as avoiding being under "scrutiny". The amount of times I told my ex "don't look at me" or hid my face or body. Sometimes I would make him turn around so I would know he wasn't looking at me, or I would close my eyes so I couldn't see him looking at me. You don't do it because you hate that person, you do it because a bit of you hates yourself. Thats just my take on the whole "what" thing, maybe your ex has completely different reasons.
Ronni_W Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I've been accepting some bitter truths about my past relationship and I am feeling pretty guilty about the entire thing. Congrats! You've reached a different level... "Guilt" can be considered self-directed anger, so it is the 2nd stage of Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief. (Denial is the first.) Stages are not linear so no need to sweat if you find yourself bouncing between them.
carrotgirl Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 She said that too? I'll bet at the time you thought, You're tapped! I'm compassionate. If you can't see that then you aren't seeing me. And it just made you feel more resolute that the relationship wasn't going to work? I'll bet you do have compassion. I bet she saw it too, that you have compassion for almost everything and everyone else .... but her. May I ask the hard question? What were you afraid of? Carrot
NiceGirlcomeslast Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Just being here shows you have compassion, you are not on here leacherously seeking advice you help people, myself included. Everyone sometimes hates the person they love, things build up and hate is so close to love, when you love someone you expect everything from them. You expect them to know what you like and what you dislike, this person is so close to you they should know what will annoy you. It sounds to me like part of her was very nervous or not confident around you, (I know that I found it impossible to articulate myself around my ex without a few days to plan the conversation in my head) and your lack of self esteem or confidence meant that you turned that into her rejecting you in some way. I think the things you disliked about her, were just that, about her, no reflection on how she felt about you. Sorry finding it difficult to articulate myself right now as well
carrotgirl Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Wow, that "what?" thing is so familiar, not as something I hated but because whenever my ex would look at me I would say it. It's hard even when someone says you are the most beautiful girl in the world, that they think you are gorgeous, when they look lovingly at you all you can think is oh he is looking at my spot, or I must look hideous. It's low self esteem, lack of confidence, all the usual jazz. You don't think of it as a rejection of that persons gaze you see it as avoiding being under "scrutiny". The amount of times I told my ex "don't look at me" or hid my face or body. Sometimes I would make him turn around so I would know he wasn't looking at me, or I would close my eyes so I couldn't see him looking at me. You don't do it because you hate that person, you do it because a bit of you hates yourself. Thats just my take on the whole "what" thing, maybe your ex has completely different reasons. My reason was different. The reason I asked, What? was because the look without the words was just a smiling look to me. I didn't know what was behind the look. Was it happiness? Was it amusement? Was my underwear showing? Was he mocking me? Did I say something funny? Something good? Something bad? Was it all of the above? I didn't know. It wasn't a matter of not trusting. It was not understanding what the look meant. I wouldn't have needed the words all the time but I needed some context to give the look meaning for me. He just expected me to know what the look meant and I perpetually disappointed him because I didn't know. Carrot
Author jdeedee Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 She said that too? I'll bet at the time you thought, You're tapped! I'm compassionate. If you can't see that then you aren't seeing me. And it just made you feel more resolute that the relationship wasn't going to work? I'll bet you do have compassion. I bet she saw it too, that you have compassion for almost everything and everyone else .... but her. May I ask the hard question? What were you afraid of? Carrot She would usually tell me I had no empathy/compassion during a fight because I really was at a loss to how to resolve things. I'd almost shut down because nothing I could do would dissolve the anger in my head and the upset feelings we both had. Meanwhile she just wanted me to come hug her I was compassionate to her so often, leaving notes for her, hugging her in the morning, buying her breakfast every day. I tried, I really did, but in some ways I really failed. What was I afraid of? I didn't start the relationship off properly, and I guess in the end that was the detriment to the entire thing. I came over one day for a fling, the first time we hung out together, and it turns out she wasn't the fling type of girl (hell I'm really not the fling type of guy I have no clue who I was kidding when I tried it). Anyway we ended up dating which was totally fine with me I loved it. She must have always remembered that I tried to start us off hooking up and was probably always self concious of that fact (which explains why she was always a little uneasy believing I truly did love her -- which I did.) Jump forward a few months, things came up and I ended up living with her, this really rocketed our relationship forward and I guess I never came to terms with the fact that it did. I always treated it as a temporary arrangement and when time came for my plans and hers to hit head on (I found a new place to live... 7ish months later) well it destroyed what we had. Why was I afraid to commit fully to her? I am not sure. I love her and really regret that I never fully committed, I told her this in the one email I sent (she never replied). I blame my brother/best friend/whatever for constantly badmouthing her to me, it really put a lot of doubts in my head. Hope that was some semblance of an explanation. I'm still working it all out myself.
Author jdeedee Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 It sounds to me like part of her was very nervous or not confident around you, (I know that I found it impossible to articulate myself around my ex without a few days to plan the conversation in my head) and your lack of self esteem or confidence meant that you turned that into her rejecting you in some way. I think the things you disliked about her, were just that, about her, no reflection on how she felt about you. Sorry finding it difficult to articulate myself right now as well That was my ex to a T. It is literally bringing me to tears thinking of how many times she would sit down with me and tell me something, something she spent days trying to formulate, and I didn't even understand it as it was being presented. She had all the courage in the world and tried so hard to express herself with me and for some reason I never realised it. It was hard for her to say things. I wish I appreciated what she said more. It wasn't easy for her to just say "I had a nice day." That took work for her because there was this background worry of rejection. I still don't fully understand how she would think I could reject her but in the end that's just what I did and I feel totally selfish and awful for doing so. My reason was different. The reason I asked, What? was because the look without the words was just a smiling look to me. I didn't know what was behind the look. Was it happiness? Was it amusement? Was my underwear showing? Was he mocking me? Did I say something funny? Something good? Something bad? Was it all of the above? I didn't know. It wasn't a matter of not trusting. It was not understanding what the look meant. I wouldn't have needed the words all the time but I needed some context to give the look meaning for me. He just expected me to know what the look meant and I perpetually disappointed him because I didn't know. It's hard to accept that you and your partner aren't mind readers. When I would stare lovingly at her it was because I loved her, it always was. When I walked into the bathroom and saw her in the shower and smiled it was because I am happy that I had time with her, that I lived with her. Sometimes I can't believe how much I really threw away.
carrotgirl Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) She would usually tell me I had no empathy/compassion during a fight because I really was at a loss to how to resolve things. I'd almost shut down because nothing I could do would dissolve the anger in my head and the upset feelings we both had. Meanwhile she just wanted me to come hug her My guy has the impenetrable anger too. When it hits, he has to work it out for himself which isn't so different from me or most people probably. Every time he felt that anger he took it as a sign that we weren't meant to be. Even if I wasn't the immediate source of the anger, which ties directly to this below .... Why was I afraid to commit fully to her? I am not sure. I love her and really regret that I never fully committed, I told her this in the one email I sent (she never replied). I blame my brother/best friend/whatever for constantly badmouthing her to me, it really put a lot of doubts in my head. Every time GD's poisonous friend said something negative about me GD would be filled with anger, confusion and frustration that he didn't show to anyone. Instead he took it out on our relationship. I look at it as he felt unrest and it was related to his being with me and he didn't like feeling like that so he just wanted that feeling gone. He has a different way of dealing with that particular problem now. He tells the guy to f*sk off. Not in so many words but the message is clear. If you badmouth her, I will set you straight. If you have a criticism, you better be sure you're right or I will set you straight. The problem is, the antagonism is still there. It still registers when his friend complains about me. It still upsets him. It still makes him wonder if this will always be a problem. I know it. I know he knows it. But this is a step in the right direction. Lately, GD has other problems. What do you do when the girl you let go is still the girl you want more than anyone else? What do you do when the girl you want is right there but you're still scared and not ready to commit? What do you do when you like the life you have? It's a good life right? So if I really love her so much then wouldn't my life be bad? What do you do with the questions? Do you answer the hard ones? What do you do when you know, Yah, I broke it off with her but I'm still not ready and I'm really going to lose her and it's my fault? Which form of guilt and self-hatred was, is easier for you to live with? Carrot Edited January 21, 2008 by carrotgirl
NiceGirlcomeslast Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) It's good to see other girls have the "what?" reaction, re-reading my post I do overplay the whole insecurity thing somewhat, I think you are right carrot, sometimes you just don't know why they are looking. I do think that if there is a general worry in the relationship of rejection it's hard to have someone do something as small as look at you without overanalysing it. As someone who's relationship started as a "fling" with a guy who said he couldn't do relationships but somehow fell into one with me, I think that sort of start does wreck your head a bit. No matter how many times my ex told me he wanted to be my boyfriend, I knew that when we met it wasn't what he wanted and that is hard to forget. You don't know why she thought you would reject her well maybe she thought you would wake up one day and realise that your fling wasn't a fling anymore, not be able to commit and bolt. It's so hard not to make someone else's story your own on here, especially when you see sides of stories that are so familiar. Edited January 21, 2008 by NiceGirlcomeslast typo
Author jdeedee Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Lately, GD has other problems. What do you do when the girl you let go is still the girl you want more than anyone else? What do you do when the girl you want is right there but you're still scared and not ready to commit? What do you do when you like the life you have? It's a good life right? So if I really love her so much then wouldn't my life be bad? What do you do with the questions? Do you answer the hard ones? What do you do when you know, Yah, I broke it off with her but I'm still not ready and I'm really going to lose her and it's my fault? Which form of guilt and self-hatred was, is easier for you to live with? Carrot I feel akin with Giant Douche I am not happy with my current home life, I'm living in a friend's house, rent free, and feel horribly homeless. I am not getting along with him because I harbor resentment towards him for "ending" my relationship with her. Of course I know I ended it but he did not help in those regards. Perhaps I am shifting blame. I emailed her almost a month back now, a month after we ended, apologising, taking blame, telling her I missed her and that I am torn. She never replied and who knows why. She may just be partying it up glad I am gone, she may be too torn to deal, my therapist thinks the letter wasn't opened ended but rather closure for her and that's what I guess I'll have to deal with. Anyway, I feel guilty for trying to move on. I don't feel like I gave the relationship my 110% all, but at this point all I can do is move on. I know this post makes it sound like I am lingering but for me I am doing well. I am trying.
Author jdeedee Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 It's good to see other girls have the "what?" reaction, re-reading my post I do overplay the whole insecurity thing somewhat, I think you are right carrot, sometimes you just don't know why they are looking. I do think that if there is a general worry in the relationship of rejection it's hard to have someone do something as small as look at you without overanalysing it. As someone who's relationship started as a "fling" with a guy who said he couldn't do relationships but somehow fell into one with me, I think that sort of start does wreck your head a bit. No matter how many times my ex told me he wanted to be my boyfriend, I knew that when we met it wasn't what he wanted and that is hard to forget. You don't know why she thought you would reject her well maybe she thought you would wake up one day and realise that your fling wasn't a fling anymore, not be able to commit and bolt. It's so hard not to make someone else's story your own on here, especially when you see sides of stories that are so familiar. Nicegirl please don't apologise for making this your story, in all respects it is your story, it is everyone's story. All we can bring to any place is our own experiences and learn from other's experiences. I am so sorry to her and to you and to everyone who ever has had a relationship begin with the wrong intent. I never told her I started it off as a fling, I never behaved or acted like she wasn't my all, my everything, the best and only. But we are not oblivious people, I made hardcore moves on her the first hour we were alone the first date we were on. I was inappropriate and I need to forgive myself for treating her and myself wrongly.
Recommended Posts