tidal Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I just got out of a very odd relationship. I let my ex control and manipulate me because he was the first guy I have liked in a very long time (usually I am not interested in the guys who are interested in me). It never was going anywhere so we broke up in December. He was extremely anxious and bi-polar. I felt he treated me like crap, but he never seemed to realize it. He would get excited about coming over to my house for us to hang out, then once he got there, I would "make a stupid face" or do something he didn't like, and he would get all mopey and pissed off and either leave or just stay there and be miserable while I cried or something. He was always saying, "what is wrong with you? are you retarded? why are you making dumb faces?" He admitted numerous times that he loved my personality but was not physically attracted to me. In the year and a half we dated, he never once said I love you. But he would say, "I have never gotten along so well with someone as I do you." And other quasi-nice things to keep me around. Okay so now, I met someone a few months ago and we started hanging out as friends. He knew I had a boyfriend (also knew things were sour) so we remained friends. But I instantly knew that we had a connection. I told him things about myself that I hadn't shared with my boyfriend at all because this guy seemed to have a genuine interest in learning about me, relating to me, and supporting me (emotionally, as a friend). Well, after the break up, the NewGuy and I started seeing each other a bit more regularly. I told him that I definitely need some time to get over my ex and I still have feelings for him, but that I also like him (NewGuy) a lot and feel we have a connection and I really want him in my life. The real issue is this: I have now begun to treat NewGuy like crap, the same way my ex treated me. NewGuy was driving us somewhere the other day and he did a stupid driving maneuver. I yelled, "What the hell is wrong with you? You're the worst driver I've ever seen." That is not something I would ever say to someone! I've just picked up these horrible habits from my previous relationship. Last week I went over to his house and after just five minutes, I immediately decided I didn't want to be there (for no reason at all) and said I had to go home. Part of me thinks that I just want to have some control for a change. I've taken all this crap from someone for a long time and now want the tables reversed. Another part of me thinks that I am doing this to try to understand my ex better. And another part of me thinks that I am scared of anything good that comes into my life. Although it really just makes me sad because I know I am hurting NewGuy, because I know just what it feels like! Which is why I don't understand why I am doing this!
malaclypse Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 For the moment, it doesn't matter why you do it. You are an adult, and "he (your ex) made me do it" is a childrens excuse. You can be in control without freaking out or being an *******. Just pull yourself together and treat the guy with the respect he deserves. If you cannot do that, you probably should not start a new relationship yet. Hmm, on a less harsh note, did you talk to NewGuy about it?
Author tidal Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 did you talk to NewGuy about it? Yes. And that is why he has stuck by me, because he knows that it isn't really how I am and is more of a bad habit. He is willing to help me with it. Though he did come out and say that if it didn't change, he would not be willing to deal with that. Which is understandable. If you cannot do that, you probably should not start a new relationship yet. That's what I'm thinking and basically told NewGuy last night. That I'm not ready, I need some time. And even though I would love for him to wait for me, I would never expect that of him, however, it leaves me conflicted because I don't want him to think I'm completely not interested either. This is just a new situation for me because I've been able to move on quickly over relationships in the past.
Florida Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I doubt you are doing it because your ex did it to you. Many people were treated not so nice by an ex and they don't act like that with someone else unless it is an inherent trait. I think you do it because you CAN, it's the predator in you. Some people will treat others badly when they sense they can, your actions show you are one of them. It's not your ex's fault either. It must have always been there.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Girl , you need to get a hold of yourself. Because what you are doing is pushing people away. If you continue this pattern you are either going to be accustomed to relationships where you are being controlled , or you are doing the controlling. And as you have seen firsthand if you are being controlled it won't last to long. And if you are in a relationship with someone I doubt they will put up with it. If you enjoy being alone then continue doing what your doing. Trust me when I say this KARMA IS A B*TCH!!! treat others how you would want to be treated!Think about how you felt when your ex would call you names and walk out on you! Now how do you think the new guy feels. Im sure he is so confused by your actions. If he was to post on here im sure his title would be " seeing a new girl and I think she likes me, but sends mixed signals.Do yourself a favor and spend sometime single and decide on what it is that you want out of a relationship, because your ex has definitely scarred you.
malaclypse Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Yes. And that is why he has stuck by me, because he knows that it isn't really how I am and is more of a bad habit. He is willing to help me with it. Though he did come out and say that if it didn't change, he would not be willing to deal with that. Which is understandable. Well, you seem to be able to communicate quite well...maybe you can work it through together. If he knows about the reasons, and knows that it's not a 'personal attack', he might just calmly said "stop it" when you are crossing the red line... That's what I'm thinking and basically told NewGuy last night. That I'm not ready, I need some time. And even though I would love for him to wait for me, I would never expect that of him, however, it leaves me conflicted because I don't want him to think I'm completely not interested either. This is just a new situation for me because I've been able to move on quickly over relationships in the past.Waiting is giving up on a R with him, imho. You told him about the problems, and if he's willing to try to help you, then ... try it, and good luck!
Florida Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 The part where you said you want to cause him pain because someone else did it to you is very perceptive. You may not be ready for a relationship, even though you think you are. You want to overcompensate for the rejection you felt by your ex by hurting another, just because you can. Ultimately it won't heal that old wound, and it will just harm another. Good thing you recgonize it. Can you get to a psychologist? I think this is something to be pursued in a few sessions, over time.
jcster Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 There is a reason that you put up with your ex's behavior for so long, and I have a feeling that it's been an issue for some time and you haven't recognized or dealt with it. Many people who were in abusive relationships (and your last one sounded emotionally and verbally abusive to me) go on to abuse others. It does sound to me like you are not in good emotional health right now. Have you considered some counseling to help find out what is going on? You definitely should take some time out of relationships to deal with yourself for a while.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 There is a reason that you put up with your ex's behavior for so long, and I have a feeling that it's been an issue for some time and you haven't recognized or dealt with it. Many people who were in abusive relationships (and your last one sounded emotionally and verbally abusive to me) go on to abuse others. It does sound to me like you are not in good emotional health right now. Have you considered some counseling to help find out what is going on? You definitely should take some time out of relationships to deal with yourself for a while. My thoughts exactly!
Lee725 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Yes. And that is why he has stuck by me, because he knows that it isn't really how I am and is more of a bad habit. Everyone else has posted thoughts which are very similar to my own, therefore i wont repeat them. I would like to point out tho, that given this is a fairly new R & this fellow has not known you for years etc, the above line is not going to "work" for long. eventually (probably sooner rather than later) if there is no change he will come to believe that this IS actually you irrespective of how much you tell him otherwise. Working on yourself before the new R progresses much further would be a really wise move, even if you get yourself into some counseling or equivalent now while in the R, as it will show that you are making an effort to move on from these past issues.
underpants Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Often if you move from one relationship to another too quickly, you also carry unprocessed issues into the new relationship. Because you were involved with someone abusive that can be very difficult. Congratulations of getting out of a bad relationship. I read on here once the term "fleas" with regards to out of character behaviours that follow involvement with someone unstable and cruel. That made sense to me. Taking on behaviours of the abuser as a way to cope or process the break up. Is it fair to the new guy...heck no. It is okay you know. It is okay to be alone for a while until you get your head together. I would stay away from the ex. You don't need to try to figure him out. That will get you nowhere.
spookie Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I can kind of relate to what you're saying about taking on the characteristics of your previous SO in your new relationship. After my ex and I broke up, for a solid year afterward it was like I had become him where men were concerned. I was bipolar with my affection, put myself SO far ahead of everyone else that I must have seen narcisistic (like my ex) and I even took to putting people down in the same manner he did. I think this happened because the R had taught me that who *I* was wasn't good enough, and because he was one of the only models I had of how to act in an R, I subconsciously began to imitate him. He, after all, *was* good enough (for me). I have no advice to you because I honestly think that even if I had done a better job controlling my behaivior, my screwed-up thought process needed time to readjust itself. It's always hard to go from one R to the next. I really think it would be best for both of you if you could take some time to yourself before jumping into this.
Recommended Posts