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Depressingly Trapped....Leave It All or Stay


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Posted

I just want to first say to everyone, that I'm grateful to have found this forum and I'm truly hoping to find someone out there who can honestly take a step back, be me for a moment and possibly offer up some much needed advice, as well as wisdom. I'm so tired and on so many occasions, ready to throw it all away and run off to join the church :(

 

 

 

I would like to first explain a bit about my life and who I am, in hopes it will help you to understand why this has been so painfully hard.

 

Growing up was painful. As a child I was always alone. My family was dysfunctional and I always felt alone, scared and extremely insecure. Growing up, I knew that I didn't belong in my family and chose to opt out and to move on and create a wonderful life for myself. So I did. In doing so, I always had a much harder time than the average person, because I had so many emotional scares. The world always made me feel, scared, lost and insecure. As much as I wanted to pursue all my goals and dreams, I felt extremely alone out there.

 

When I was 22, I was working hard and remember feeling stuck. I never had anyone to turn to. No one to help and again, it was always me against the world. I was falling apart inside, yet I fought to stay above water. I met my husband while he was in his last year of college. I was bartending, waitressing and working in a medical office, all the while trying to figure out how I could possibly support myself and possibly go to college at the same time, with three jobs. I was tired and scared and headed for breakdown. When I met my husband, we both had nothing. I was 22 and he was 26. He was living with family and trying to finish up his bachelors and possibly head off to law-school and I was struggling with three jobs, an apartment and the rest of what life was tossing out to me. I remember when I met him, that the first thing I could finally do, was to exhale. I finally felt 'Safe' or 'Saved'. He was caring, warm, kind, supportive, generous and had the most largest, amazing family that I had ever met. For the very first time, I felt secure.

 

However, it was never that 'Love at First Site', the butterflies that come along with being 'In-Love', and sex was merely sex. Very generic and very normal. There was never passion, lust, or excitement. It was more or less a, "I found my best friend' relationship. My husband was always a very 'Straight' and focused man, where it was mainly college, and work. He never liked to go out with friends really and he never really had any hobbies. If he wasn't working, he was home working. Me on the other hand, I was always the artist, laid back and free spirited, with a whimsy, fun loving personality. I'm extremely passionate, and very outgoing and I recognized all of this early on, but I think I suppressed this side of who I am and conformed to my husbands 'Type A' personality and settled for all of the other thing's, that at the time, were more important to me than my own personal desires. Like family and comfort.

 

While finished school, I continued to work my three jobs, so that he could finish up with his degree. He asked me to marry him only three months into our relationship and I quickly accepted. We both struggled for years financially, but afterwards my husband landed a fantistic job with an investment firm. We bought a beautiful home and thing's were great. Or were they. Deep inside, I would feel bits and pieces of the person I tried to suppress, resurface. I began feeling depressed at times and was struck with severe anxiety and panic disorder. My husband would ask when the wedding was, and my response was always, "what's the rush, I think thing's are just great the way they are". They weren't great. I struggled deep inside with how I finally had the 'Perfect' life that I had always wished for as a child, with, "Where did I go".

 

I struggled with, "You have everything you ever wanted, .......but it's with the wrong man". "He's not your husband, he's your companion". My husband has never shared my spirit. He's never been able to make me laugh, but he's been able to make me cry. He's never shared my sense of adventure, or any of my hobbies. Over the years I would ask him to join me in a game of tennis, a ride in the country, biking, an art show, a walk on the boardwalk, anything. My response was always, "I have work to do, I'm tired, I don't like it"...."But I like this"......so I end up doing something he enjoys. Like fishing. My husband and I also struggle with different personalities. He's completely type A and it has only become worse over the years. He goes from being very moody and always needing to be in control and I find myself feeling his vibe day in and day out. I miss laughing..........We fight all the time, but more like brother and sister. I feel sad and lost all the time.

 

It's been 12 years and two years ago we got married. I felt I had to do it. It was time. Ten years of being engaged, people began to ask too much. About two years ago, my husband stopped having sex with me. Months went by and each and every time I tried, it was, "I'm tired". Than, one night became the last emotional straw. I remember approaching him in bed and he declined, but I persisted until he physically pushed me away. I remember at that very moment, feeling smaller than small and more hurt than I had ever felt in my lifetime. I got up, grabbed my pillow and moved myself into the guest bedroom. I remained ever since. After that last incident, I never bothered him again. Our daily life went on and I became depressed and felt trapped. It was a year and no connection........

 

I met someone.......I met a man who shares the same spirit as I. My passion twin. I'm now 33, he's 29. We share the same love of the arts and can laugh for hours and hours just over a simple cup of coffee. There's fire every time we are together, that other's immediately comment on it. He's a chef with a vivacious personality like myself. In everything we do, we have so much fun in doing, it tends to make other's sick. He's open and so full of life and adventure. He wants to try it all, just like me. The other day I mentioned how I wanted to try a yoga class. The following day I get a message asking, "When's yoga"? I have fallen so completely in love, that for the first time in 12 years, I feel alive and I'm scared. I never want this to go away, but I know something has to give. It's been a year since we met.

 

A month ago my husband came to me and apologized for how thing's have been and explains that he just didn't have any sex drive, but is now willing to give it a try. In the same breath explains that he wouldn't of blamed me if I had had an affair.

 

(I never confessed) It took him almost two years to apologize for that evening and now I feel it's too late. I have already fallen in love and feel I can't go back, but I'm scared. Scared to leave the security of the life I have now, for what I may get back when I was 22. Will I feel safe back out there, or will I drowned. I feel trapped and I just do not know what to do. This is so very, very hard..........I'm lost and hope that after this life's confession, someone can help.......:sick:

Posted

Ok, just calm down and think about all that you just said.....if you were never really in love with your H from the beginning what makes you think you can love him now? It sounds as if you have been settling all these years and now you are FEELING trapped. The best thing to do is stop talking to the OM first and see how you feel about your H....then if you still feel nothing, then leave, BUT do not let the OM be part of why you want out now or you will regret it forever. Make sure within yourself that you have done all you can to save or even start your marriage. If not, leave and let your H go, he deserves better and so do you. NO ONE needs to feel trapped that is not a marriage.

Posted
It took him almost two years to apologize for that evening and now I feel it's too late. I have already fallen in love and feel I can't go back, but I'm scared. Scared to leave the security of the life I have now, for what I may get back when I was 22. Will I feel safe back out there, or will I drowned.

 

In reading your post several times, LT, what stood out is that nowhere did you actually stated you loved your H. You found a "best friend", safety and security, which you badly needed. Safety is one of the most basic needs, so that is understandable.

However at this point in time, today, the M isn't really working for you. Did it ever, since you had to give up so much of yourself in terms of what you wanted to do? In other words you compromised and traded off your emotional needs for your physical needs of shelter and safety. And now your H isn't meeting / can't meet your emotional needs.

 

You've stated that you feel it's too late and you can't go back... so then you must go forward. But what do you want to go forward to?

 

Your very strong underlying need for safety may always be there unless you change your thinking which is difficult to do. Have you discussed with your friend how it would work with the two of you?? As a classically trained chef myself, I can tell you how the work hours are long, working evenings, weekends, holidays. When I was married, I moved around the world half a dozen times and putting my wife in the position of having to follow me. Not a lot of stability in a home life... not a lot of security. Could you live like that??

 

At this point you also need to have a discussion with your H. If you don't love him and you feel it's too late, you owe it to him to be honest about your feelings and situation. Perhaps he feels the same way. It certainly sounds like he was questioning something the past year.

 

If you choose to stay and work on the M you don't have any guarantees that you will be any happier 5 years from now or that anything will change. If you choose to leave you don't have any guarantee either but if you truly love the man AND you have the same values you may have a chance at some sort of happiness.

 

The most important thing you need to understand is that you are dealing with different levels of needs. Safety and security versus love/emotional needs.. You actually need the need of safety filled before you can fill the need for love, and that is your dilemma..

 

I hope you can choose wisely...

Posted
I just want to first say to everyone, that I'm grateful to have found this forum and I'm truly hoping to find someone out there who can honestly take a step back, be me for a moment and possibly offer up some much needed advice, as well as wisdom. I'm so tired and on so many occasions, ready to throw it all away and run off to join the church :(

 

 

 

I would like to first explain a bit about my life and who I am, in hopes it will help you to understand why this has been so painfully hard.

 

Growing up was painful. As a child I was always alone. My family was dysfunctional and I always felt alone, scared and extremely insecure. Growing up, I knew that I didn't belong in my family and chose to opt out and to move on and create a wonderful life for myself. So I did. In doing so, I always had a much harder time than the average person, because I had so many emotional scares. The world always made me feel, scared, lost and insecure. As much as I wanted to pursue all my goals and dreams, I felt extremely alone out there.

 

When I was 22, I was working hard and remember feeling stuck. I never had anyone to turn to. No one to help and again, it was always me against the world. I was falling apart inside, yet I fought to stay above water. I met my husband while he was in his last year of college. I was bartending, waitressing and working in a medical office, all the while trying to figure out how I could possibly support myself and possibly go to college at the same time, with three jobs. I was tired and scared and headed for breakdown. When I met my husband, we both had nothing. I was 22 and he was 26. He was living with family and trying to finish up his bachelors and possibly head off to law-school and I was struggling with three jobs, an apartment and the rest of what life was tossing out to me. I remember when I met him, that the first thing I could finally do, was to exhale. I finally felt 'Safe' or 'Saved'. He was caring, warm, kind, supportive, generous and had the most largest, amazing family that I had ever met. For the very first time, I felt secure.

 

However, it was never that 'Love at First Site', the butterflies that come along with being 'In-Love', and sex was merely sex. Very generic and very normal. There was never passion, lust, or excitement. It was more or less a, "I found my best friend' relationship. My husband was always a very 'Straight' and focused man, where it was mainly college, and work. He never liked to go out with friends really and he never really had any hobbies. If he wasn't working, he was home working. Me on the other hand, I was always the artist, laid back and free spirited, with a whimsy, fun loving personality. I'm extremely passionate, and very outgoing and I recognized all of this early on, but I think I suppressed this side of who I am and conformed to my husbands 'Type A' personality and settled for all of the other thing's, that at the time, were more important to me than my own personal desires. Like family and comfort.

 

While finished school, I continued to work my three jobs, so that he could finish up with his degree. He asked me to marry him only three months into our relationship and I quickly accepted. We both struggled for years financially, but afterwards my husband landed a fantistic job with an investment firm. We bought a beautiful home and thing's were great. Or were they. Deep inside, I would feel bits and pieces of the person I tried to suppress, resurface. I began feeling depressed at times and was struck with severe anxiety and panic disorder. My husband would ask when the wedding was, and my response was always, "what's the rush, I think thing's are just great the way they are". They weren't great. I struggled deep inside with how I finally had the 'Perfect' life that I had always wished for as a child, with, "Where did I go".

 

I struggled with, "You have everything you ever wanted, .......but it's with the wrong man". "He's not your husband, he's your companion". My husband has never shared my spirit. He's never been able to make me laugh, but he's been able to make me cry. He's never shared my sense of adventure, or any of my hobbies. Over the years I would ask him to join me in a game of tennis, a ride in the country, biking, an art show, a walk on the boardwalk, anything. My response was always, "I have work to do, I'm tired, I don't like it"...."But I like this"......so I end up doing something he enjoys. Like fishing. My husband and I also struggle with different personalities. He's completely type A and it has only become worse over the years. He goes from being very moody and always needing to be in control and I find myself feeling his vibe day in and day out. I miss laughing..........We fight all the time, but more like brother and sister. I feel sad and lost all the time.

 

It's been 12 years and two years ago we got married. I felt I had to do it. It was time. Ten years of being engaged, people began to ask too much. About two years ago, my husband stopped having sex with me. Months went by and each and every time I tried, it was, "I'm tired". Than, one night became the last emotional straw. I remember approaching him in bed and he declined, but I persisted until he physically pushed me away. I remember at that very moment, feeling smaller than small and more hurt than I had ever felt in my lifetime. I got up, grabbed my pillow and moved myself into the guest bedroom. I remained ever since. After that last incident, I never bothered him again. Our daily life went on and I became depressed and felt trapped. It was a year and no connection........

 

I met someone.......I met a man who shares the same spirit as I. My passion twin. I'm now 33, he's 29. We share the same love of the arts and can laugh for hours and hours just over a simple cup of coffee. There's fire every time we are together, that other's immediately comment on it. He's a chef with a vivacious personality like myself. In everything we do, we have so much fun in doing, it tends to make other's sick. He's open and so full of life and adventure. He wants to try it all, just like me. The other day I mentioned how I wanted to try a yoga class. The following day I get a message asking, "When's yoga"? I have fallen so completely in love, that for the first time in 12 years, I feel alive and I'm scared. I never want this to go away, but I know something has to give. It's been a year since we met.

 

A month ago my husband came to me and apologized for how thing's have been and explains that he just didn't have any sex drive, but is now willing to give it a try. In the same breath explains that he wouldn't of blamed me if I had had an affair.

 

(I never confessed) It took him almost two years to apologize for that evening and now I feel it's too late. I have already fallen in love and feel I can't go back, but I'm scared. Scared to leave the security of the life I have now, for what I may get back when I was 22. Will I feel safe back out there, or will I drowned. I feel trapped and I just do not know what to do. This is so very, very hard..........I'm lost and hope that after this life's confession, someone can help.......:sick:

 

Your in a very tough spot here because bascially the way I see it the choice is all your's. I gather that there really is NO love left for your H and your now in love with this other man. Your H has come to you and made an apology....sound's to me like he would like to work on your marriage.

 

You need to decide...It's not fair to string your H along if deep down inside you really feel that leaving is what you want...your better off setting him free and letting him move on with his life... As for how safe you will feel if back out there again? That answer lies within yourself. One thing I will tell you if you struggle with insecurity and expect that by leaving your current life to pursue this other man... will correct those iusse's..truth is that won't happen. This new other man or any other man can not be responsible 100% for your happiness. You need to be secure within yourself first, so please think about that. Good Luck to you.

 

AP:)

  • Author
Posted
In other words you compromised and traded off your emotional needs for your physical needs of shelter and safety. And now your H isn't meeting / can't meet your emotional needs....

 

Well said Tripper. You really did hit the nail on the head. Thank you. That is exactly the dilemma. I do appologige for not being clear as to loving my husband, but yes, I do love him. I love him to pieces. I love him in a way that I love my father. Both are so very dear to me, but I was never 'In-Love' with him. I sacrificed that as well, adding on to what you have mentioned above, but safety and shelter were foremost and because I feared never having that, I chose to sadly supress and lock away (Shut Off) my emotional and physical needs. I traded off the desire to share passions, (both in the bedroom and out) common interests, etc, etc.

 

My fear, sadly enough, is that I will never leave. Because at this stage of the game, my fear of not having security, overrides my true desires. Not to mention the fact that his family is now my family. Something I never had. I'd risking what feels like, 'My life'.

 

You mention about your lifestyle as a chef. Sponatnuity. Thing's are always changing. That's my personality and perhaps the problem is that a 'Cut and dry', straight edged lifestyle, isn't really me. I'm more of, 'What's going to happen next', or should I say....."What next". I love cooking with him and there's never a dull moment. As I mentioned, there's nothing but laughter in everything we do. He's goofy, serious, sponatious, wild, passionate and has SUCH a ZEST for life. The man sings as he's washing dishes and enjoys it. He's forever happy with a smile on his face and explains that life is too short to feel otherwise. :love: His spirit is indescribable. My spirit fell in love with his spirit. Kind of like an outter body feeling as strange as that sounds.

 

My husband is an amazing man, despite the constant moodiness, the need to be in control (OCD) and his type A personality, his 'Cut and dry' approach was never me, but I dealt with it. Anyone who knows, or simply meets my husband will tell you that he's a classic type A. He even drove himself to HBP. The definition of Type A is him to a T. This is my husband.......

 

"Type A Behavior Pattern, is a set of characteristics that includes being impatient, excessively time-conscious, insecure about one's status, highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, and incapable of relaxation.[Type A individuals are often high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about the smallest of delays."

 

Trying to ask my husband to relax, is like turning a glass of water upside down and trying to contain it. It will never happen. He can't help the way he is and I do not try to change him, but please understand that I'm just not that way. I want to enjoy life, not live like life is a daily routine and a chore.

 

But yes, I do love him dearly. As far as him not wanting sex, it turned out he was having problems that were medically valid and he didn't want to alarm me. He kept it to himself for 14 months. But understand this. My husband in regards to sex, was ALWAYS a 'I could do without' type of man. He would rather close a deal, than have passionate sex with 'Any' women.

 

You're a smart man and I thank you for so consciously pointing out the obvious. Working on my insecurity issues as to whether or not I can stand on my own to feet like normal individuals, will be a daunting task, but I must do something.

 

Kindest!

Posted

My fear, sadly enough, is that I will never leave. Because at this stage of the game, my fear of not having security, overrides my true desires. Not to mention the fact that his family is now my family. Something I never had. I'd risking what feels like, 'My life'.

 

You mention about your lifestyle as a chef. Sponatnuity. Thing's are always changing. That's my personality and perhaps the problem is that a 'Cut and dry', straight edged lifestyle, isn't really me. I'm more of, 'What's going to happen next', or should I say....."What next". I love cooking with him and there's never a dull moment. As I mentioned, there's nothing but laughter in everything we do. He's goofy, serious, sponatious, wild, passionate and has SUCH a ZEST for life.

 

 

In my own journey through life the most important lesson I learned was that safety, security, control etc are very illusionary. It can all be taken away in an instant from elements beyond our control. In my case, my wife of 23 years simply had enough of my never being home and asked why we were married. With 1 question posed we started on the road to divorce. A decade later finds me in a relationship with an amazing woman, a very well paid corporate job and owning a living space that I've always wanted.

It wasn't easy and it was terrifying at times. You never really grow as a person until your move out of your comfort zone and are challenged.

 

Good chefs have a passion for food and a passion for food is a passion for life. A simple concept yet complex at times for good food not only nourishes the body but also the soul in many different ways.

 

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that at 33 your still have many years to live. How do you want to live them?? That will dictate what you will do. Compassionately, giving up to others... Passionately, enjoying life to the fullest.. Wondering what's out there and if it could be better?? .. Finding out what's out there...

 

LT, there is no dress rehearsal for life. This is it and you only go around once....

Posted

LT-my heart goes out to you. I read your post twice and I can't begin to understand what it's been like for you in the last 12 years. I made groans & moans at certain sentences I read in your post. I'm sorry that you had to grab a pillow and sleep in another room from your husband.

 

Your story reminds me of my GF's story. My GF needs to feel safe & secure, if not, she literally goes crazy. To make a long story short, she was w/her ex for 5 years and it was a like a brother/sister relationship. I found her, gave her my phone#, we fell in love on the 1st date & by the 2nd date we both knew this was it. We laughed for hours over a cup of coffee, I couldn't wait for the rest of my life as long as it was with her! 3 years later we're engaged & couldn't be happier. In between the time of leaving her ex & meeting me, she asked herself "How could I leave such a safe place?" She was so close to her ex's HUGE family, her living arrangements were perfect, her finances were problem free etc... Problem was that, her ex was her best friend, they shared no common interests, didn't celebrate anniversaries or birthday's, etc... She asked herself towards the end, "Is this my life for the rest of my life?"

 

At some point you really have to ask yourself, "This is MY life. 12 years from now where do I want to be?"

Posted

OP, I'm not posting to give you advice so much as to thank you for having the courage to share your story and also to thank Tripper for his response. This thread will help others--I'm certain of it.

Posted
I remember when I met him, that the first thing I could finally do, was to exhale. I finally felt 'Safe' or 'Saved'. He was caring, warm, kind, supportive, generous and had the most largest, amazing family that I had ever met. For the very first time, I felt secure.

I guess that I feel that your Husband deserves your best effort to stay in the marriage if only for this reason - when you needed him, he was there for you. He's provided financial security for both of you. You have a history together.

 

Did you two get off track in your marriage? Hell, yes. Reading between the lines, I'm sure there's two sides (or as the old joke goes, 3 sides - his, hers and what really happened :) ) to the story. I guess it all comes down to one question - in your mind, does he deserve a chance :confused: ?

 

Mr. Lucky

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