I'm so angry at him

January 21, 2008

What the hell was his problem? I'm so tired of trying to wrap my brain around it. I'm disappointed that he hasn't called since I unblocked him on the 15th. I can't believe that he really never wants to speak to me again. Is that really what the magical thing that was us is going to come to? We just stop knowing each other, even though neither of us has ever had so much in common with anyone else in our lives? We take something that was really good and then just let it come to an abrupt halt and never speak again?

I'm having a hard time not contacting him, but I *know* I'll hate myself if I do. I keep telling myself that if he wants to find me he knows how. The last time we spoke I told him I loved him, so he knows that too. There's no reason to tell him again. There's no reason to send him my book.

Remind me of this, willya?

January 21, 2008

Hey Sedge...

I think your anger is good. I think you're taking the "rose tinted" glasses

off and feeling your feelings now. It's ok. He treated you shabbily and

yes, he deserves to know it. What he doesn't deserve is all this energy you are expending trying to wonder "what if or why??'

I told you in another post I thought you SHOULD email him and give him a piece of your mind. Apparently he has a pattern of doing this to other women. Who knows, maybe YOU will have only been the only one to call him on it. Why should ge get away with it??

I only advise you to do this for YOUR sake. NOT his.

You need to finally feel good about YOUR ending in this...

and on YOUR terms. If this is the way you need to do it then do it.

Anyway..hang in there....

January 21, 2008

Really, what did you expect? He is a complete idiot. You are gorgeous and creative, and he broke up with you because you don't play some stupid instrument. And broke up with those who do play said stupid instruments because they weren't right for him or whatever. This guy is a selfish, conceited, immature frickwit.

You wrote a book for chrissakes. This should be the happiest time of your life. It is HUGE. And all you can do is wait around for him to acknowledge you, and your achievement, after you finally contacted him. It has been months and he has made no effort. You should not be letting him have this control over you hon. He is truly not worthy of your thoughts.

I hope someday soon you realise you are worth so much more then what he has reduced you to in your mind.

January 21, 2008

There's no reason to send him my book.

Remind me of this, willya?

Well that's an easy one. He should BUY the book of course!

Carrot

January 21, 2008

thank you, coco, that means a lot.

and hell yes he has to pay!!!

January 21, 2008

sedgwick,

i know your ex is a complete tool. it's obvious. however, men are weenies when it comes to having their pride hurt. he doesn't know that you've actually unblocked him. he doesn't know that you still have feelings for him. he doesn't know that you haven't healed yet. and very rarely will men put themselves out there if they do not know it's a sure thing. if he thinks you have healed and do not want to hear from him he will not contact you, even if he's miserable.

i know you both love him, and hate him right now. i know you believe that he should swallow his pride and come to you. but even if he still has feelings for you it's doubtful that he will. and maybe he's not worth it if he won't.

i cannot imagine dating a guy whose fave color is safety orange (and i know that's really shallow ofme..) but if you love him, put yourself out there and try again.

if he says no, he's still not interested, it will hurt like hell. but at least you will have put your feelings and yourself out there for something that you wanted instead of waiting around for him to come to you. it's like couples who get in fights b/c the girl thinks the guy should *know* what she wants. if she doesn't tell him, he won't know. and i know you told him a couple months ago when you sent that msg to him. but if you love him and you want him, you need to tell him again.

you are so strong. and smart. and funny. and graceful. and successful. you should never have to wait around for a man to decide that he wants you.

January 21, 2008

Remind me of this, willya?

Sedg, there is no reason to send him your book, and ABSOLUTELY NO reason to repeat yourself to him about your feelings for him.

You are so busy beating up on your self without any mercy and compassion at all that it sounds like you hate yourself already...what's up, about that?

January 21, 2008

I'm just thrown for a loop. I really thought we had something special and he loved me for who I was, and then he basically said to me, "I know you love me for exactly who I am, but you're not good enough for me to love you like you are. I need you to be something better."

I've just never tried so hard to be a good partner. I really do feel like I gave him the best of me. My biggest fear in the world is not being talented or cool enough for the people I love, and sure enough, I wasn't.

I know it's completely insane that I can't feel proud about my book because it's not music. I know it's completely insane that I'm telling myself dance isn't as hard as music so it's not as impressive. I worked my ass off to be a writer and a dancer. I know how hard it is to get an agent and sell a book. I know how hard it is to learn to do reverse undulations while walking backwards. I know how hard it is to do a back walkover. But still it just feels like it's not enough.

I am an insane perfectionist. It sucks. It really sucks that I found someone I loved so much and he confirmed my worst fears about the limits of my abilities. I was so untalented and insignificant to him that he stopped speaking to me, just when I was beginning to think there was someone out there who really understood my stories and my obsessions.

And I have to say that his favorite color being safety orange was endearing to me. I loved his weirdness. It matched mine, or so I thought.

And lovesparis, I did tell him I had him blocked but he could contact me after jan 15. I guess even that was not significant enough to stick in his head.

Edited January 21, 2008 by sedgwick

January 21, 2008

And lovesparis, I did tell him I had him blocked but he could contact me after jan 15. I guess even that was not significant enough to stick in his head.

i know, but what i was saying was that he doesn't know that you haven't changed your mind. he knows that you believed it when you told him that, but he doesn't know that you still believe it.

and the orange thing, was meant as humor. my ex had this shirt with tetris blocks on it. he wore it on our 2nd date. i asked if he knew his shirt had tetris blocks on it when he bought it. he did not. he was so upset that he had loved this shirt and never knew how "dorky" it was. he refused to ever wear it again. i loved him, and i didn't care that he had tetris blocks on his shirt, i wanted him to wear the shirt if he liked it. he wouldn't, so it became my "robe" when i was at his place. i think the quirkyness of his fave color is similar to my Hans' quirkyness at this shirt. to some people it's a sign of being a tool, to others it is an endearing quality.

if he doesn't contact you, he is a huge loser. not you. i, along with everyone else on this board, will support you in whatever decision you make. we will be here to cry with you, or we will be here to cheer you on. we will help you find strength to go NC and move on, or we will help you find the strength to go after him one more time. we will support you. we do support you.

you RAWK, sedge

don't ever let a man define you. you are better than that.

January 21, 2008

I have to say this to you Sedge....and please don't take this as rudeness.

Look at what you have told us here. You are beating yourself up for not being "good enough" for this loser Why? To ME that is insane.

He actually had the audacity to TELL you that you were not good enough for him to love you the way you were???? OMG.

Actually this makes PERFECT sense to me now. It sounds to ME like

you are trying to PROVE something to him, and IF he accepts that or is impressed by what you have accomplished, somehow your world will be good again. Do you have a parent or someone in your life at some point who was hard to please? I am no psychologist but it makes sense that this guy somehow represents someone you did not feel good enough for

in your life.

I think you need to love YOURSELF more and stop trying to gain others approval. Some people are just screwed up in the head and nothing is ever good enough for them.

This issue is not even ABOUT him anymore, it's about YOU.

Agaian ..not trying to be harsh, but I think you need to let this guy go

in your heart....and begin loving yourself more.

January 21, 2008

I have to say this to you Sedge....and please don't take this as rudeness.

Look at what you have told us here. You are beating yourself up for not being "good enough" for this loser Why? To ME that is insane.
He actually had the audacity to TELL you that you were not good enough for him to love you the way you were???? OMG.

Actually this makes PERFECT sense to me now. It sounds to ME like
you are trying to PROVE something to him, and IF he accepts that or is impressed by what you have accomplished, somehow your world will be good again. Do you have a parent or someone in your life at some point who was hard to please? I am no psychologist but it makes sense that this guy somehow represents someone you did not feel good enough for
in your life.

I think you need to love YOURSELF more and stop trying to gain others approval. Some people are just screwed up in the head and nothing is ever good enough for them.
This issue is not even ABOUT him anymore, it's about YOU.

Agaian ..not trying to be harsh, but I think you need to let this guy go
in your heart....and begin loving yourself more.

Sedge we love ya, you know that but i second this ^^^

January 21, 2008

Despite what brat said its hard not to beat yourself up over all of that. I've been broken up with since 1.5 almost two months now and she said she didnt see a future and i basically also wasnt good enough. To hear that from someone who you thought you had great chemistry and someone who also showed they loved you for so long ( me 2.5 years) its hard not to think of all the angles. And what brat said yeah i need or we need to love ourselves and not need other approval but i really just care way too much about one person rather than myself. i guess thats wrong and dumb but id rather look good or do good for the one i love than do it for myself, i dont need to impress myself. I am kind of still in shock because from what she has said over the years and showed me and what we have shared it never seemed like this would happen. She cut off all communication from me changed numbers all of it. Since i know nothing about her now my mind wanders if she did this because she was guilty or she still would have feelings for me if she talked to me or if she just plain out doesnt care about me. Atleast your able to get angry at him. I wish i could be angry at my ex. but all i can do is love her and forgive her for anything shes put me through. Maybe im stupid but its sad to say it but i dont know if i could ever deny her if she wanted me back despite what she has done to me.

January 22, 2008

Sedg, I've followed your Saga without butting in. I do have a thought about this post however.

You "blocked" your ex for a considerable period of time, ending on the 15th. This "blocking" sends/sent a strong message to him. Do you honestly expect him to continue trying to contact you once he's "blocked"?

Butting one's head against a wall gets old quick. You got exactly what you wanted when blocking him. You can only assume that he is conforming to your wishes by no longer trying to contact you.

If hearing from him is that important to you why don't you contact him? He never blocked you...

January 22, 2008

I told him the last time we spoke that I loved him unconditionally, forever. I sent him a message in November telling him I'd blocked him but I'd unblock him on the 15th when I turned my book in. I ended that message with, "I love you unconditionally, always." I just feel like I've made the effort and he's made none. I don't know if he blocked me or not. He may have. He may have blocked me and never gotten my text message. I don't know. But the last time we spoke I told him how much I loved him, so does he really need to hear it again? It seems like that's a stronger message than "I blocked you for a while." I'm so terrified of telling him I love him and having him tell me he's with someone else. I just don't know if I could handle it. He still has keys to my building and apartment. How hard would it be to come in and leave flowers outside my door? How hard would it be to leave a note? How many concessions do I have to make to him? There's a part of me that just wants to keep my pride. If he really loved me, wouldn't he have contacted me on the 15th?

And miami, I'd take him back in a heartbeat, all forgiven. I love this man. He is the love of my life, without question. But the last I heard, he wanted to stay on the road all the time playing old-time and he wanted his girlfriend to be an old-time musician too. Bellydancer, no dice.

Edited January 22, 2008 by sedgwick

January 22, 2008

.... then he basically said to me, "I know you love me for exactly who I am, but you're not good enough for me to love you like you are. I need you to be something better."

I've just never tried so hard to be a good partner. I really do feel like I gave him the best of me. My biggest fear in the world is not being talented or cool enough for the people I love, and sure enough, I wasn't.

Well that's just a big crock of BS isn't it.

This is a man who knew you well enough to know your deepest insecurities and fears- and when he said those words...make no mistake, they were meticulously chosen to do the damage they have done.

It takes a real demented, insecure human being to unravel the deepest, most profound fears in a person they claim to love and then spew that venomous intimate knowledge back in their face. That's a fierce weapon, done with malice and meant to hurt you. It says a whole lot about who he is, doesn't it?

He is only using your own insecurities against you. These are notions you have constructed- and you can also de-construct them. Remember- these are his words... but he derived them from knowing your insecurities and using them against you.

You ARE cool and talented... don't let some a-hole make you question that. Celebrate your accomplishments- this should be a real milestone in your life... why focus on what he says or doesn't say.

My advice is to surround yourself with people that validate how cool and talented you are~ those are the people who will bring you to the top of the mountain.

Your ex is obviously jealous of your accomplishments. I suspect he feels so badly about himself that the only way he can boost his own insecurities is by knocking other people down.

You've just published a book. That's fu**ing amazing.... why let anyone take this moment away from you.

Re-block and delete this man- he's toxic. People support one another in a healthy relationship- they don't use the most vulnerable parts of their partner against them. Yank this power you have given him out from under his feet.

You need to let go of what he said.

It was born out of malice, not truth.

Celebrate. You deserve it.

January 22, 2008

There's a part of me that just wants to keep my pride.

perhaps your pride issue is much bigger than just a part of you. i think your pride is controlling all of you. so much so that you are letting it keep you from moving forward with your life. you cannot control this situation and more importantly you must accept that this is the way it is meant to be.

i'm really hoping that you can pull through this sedg.

January 22, 2008

Well that's just a big crock of BS isn't it.
This is a man who knew you well enough to know your deepest insecurities and fears- and when he said those words...make no mistake, they were meticulously chosen to do the damage they have done.

It takes a real demented, insecure human being to unravel the deepest, most profound fears in a person they claim to love and then spew that venomous intimate knowledge back in their face. That's a fierce weapon, done with malice and meant to hurt you. It says a whole lot about who he is, doesn't it?

He is only using your own insecurities against you. These are notions you have constructed- and you can also de-construct them. Remember- these are his words... but he derived them from knowing your insecurities and using them against you.

Wow. I wish someone had told me this after my breakup. Great advice. Your ex is an ass, Sedwick. He was using your fears against you.

January 22, 2008

Just so it's clear, he didn't say those exact words to me. What he said was, "I just feel like whoever she is, the love of my life is a musician." And my reply was, "I think you're perfect exactly like you are." He said, "You'll find someone else." I said, "I found you." He said, "I think sex is to you what music is to me." I said, "I thought sex was to us what sex was to us" Then we had sex. Then he tried to give my keys back and I told him to keep them because he was welcome to walk back through the door and I would still love him unconditionally for exactly who he was. He left and that was the last time I saw him.

January 22, 2008

Sedg, I can see the pain in every thread you start and word you write. You have taken me to a place I haven't been for awhile. It hurts my heart to hear your suffering, it really does. Your situation is not in your hands though. You have made the choice to believe that the power of your love will rebond your former boyfriend to you. It reads almost like the beginning of a romance novel. But were it enough girl!

I understand what the love you feel is like. I feel it. I feel it every night before I drift off to sleep, when certain songs are on the radio, when I dare to peek at my photo album, when I carelessly allow my mind to wander. A few years back I ached the same way you do, I couldn't smile, I spontaniously spoke the words "I'm so sad" out loud. The feelings have never softened, just the pain.

I'm selfish enough to want your dreams to come true... If it happens to you, who knows it could happen to me. I wish you all the luck in the world. Your quest is an honorable one, your goals laudable.

With a lot of luck your dream will come true, and I'll have my Lady by the Lake.

January 22, 2008

I really appreciate everything all of you have said. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a whiny b*tch here on LS, and I'm sorry for that. It's just that this is the only place I have to turn anymore. My friends are sick of hearing it. I can't talk to him. I'm scared to talk to any of his friends about him because I'm afraid they'll say, "Oh yeah, he has another girlfriend, she's a fiddle player, he's madly in love with her." I feel like he's so sexy there's no way he could still be single. I have zero desire to ever date anyone again, because a) I found the love of my life and b) I don't think I could trust anybody. Trust is the biggest issue in the world for me, and there have only been a few people I've trusted in my whole life. I don't trust my family. I don't trust most of the people I've ever met. But I trusted him completely and I showed him more of myself than I've ever shown anyone. I showed him more love than I've ever shown anyone. I said to him repeatedly, at the beginning, "If I can't trust you, tell me right now, don't let me love you." And he waffled about it but ultimately said he loved me too.

He is not physically healthy at all. I know that no relationship can go forward if one partner refuses to take care of himself. He can't even eat and bathe and sleep enough. He can't do the fundamental things he needs to do to take care of himself as a mammal because THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE IS OLD-TIME MUSIC!!!!1111!!

I had a boyfriend when I was 19 who was a heroin addict, and that's who my ex (okay, his name is Joe, I'm just going to call him Joe now, that's anonymous enough) reminds me of. It's very sad. I wanted to save him. I wanted my love to be enough to inspire him to take care of himself. He always told me how "in my body" I was, and I was like, yeah, they call it being a dancer. You could be in your body too if you made learning to touch your toes and stretch your back a priority.

I gave this guy so many massages because he'd come home from tour just wrecked (did he ever say, hey, I bet dancers need massages too, and reciprocate? He did not.) I said, there's a whole lot you could be doing to make your own back and arms hurt less. But that would take time away from playing music. And if playing music is not your top priority in the whole universe, he ultimately just doesn't know how to relate.

Edited January 22, 2008 by sedgwick

January 22, 2008

He's not worth it, he's not worth all this. You gave him some space and time to think about things and miss you. I think you're going to have to accept that he's made his decision, and that you need to move on with your own life, for your sake. His silence and his failure to contact you shows that he's not willing to make even a slightest bit of effort to save your relationship, and if he can't even take the small steps for you (like congratulating you on having your book published) then how is he ever going to be able to make you happy?

It makes a big difference once you just decide to move on. I read that somewhere on this forum I think - how once you have decided to get over someone, you do it pretty quickly. It's up to you to make that choice - to tell yourself that you want to get over him, instead of wanting to get him back.

I know that makes it sound as though it's easy - it's not. I'm still in the process of getting over my ex, and every day there are still moments when I just miss him so much and I feel that nothing good will ever come into my life again. But when I hit those moments, I work through them, and I've found that it really helps. I remind myself of all the crap he's put me through, of all his faults, of how unhappy he has made me, and every day it gets easier to just put him in the past, to disengage from that life I imagined with him and start to imagine something even better for myself.

But what did happen once I made the decision to change my way of thinking was that I had a rebound fling and even though it was devastating at first (I did just miss my ex so much the next day), it has also been a really important step in getting over the breakup. I made a conscious effort to start imagining myself with different men, and the fact that I had done that made my rebound fling possible. And the fact that I have been with someone else has helped me start to just get over my ex, and put him in the past. My rebound guy is also a really good guy - much better looking than my ex, just as smart as my ex. I'm not ready to think about another relationship yet, but this is something in the background which gives me hope, that there is a future for me with someone else. I don't know if it's with this rebound guy - probably not - but the fact that I found someone else already reassures me that my ex wasn't worth all the heartache I suffered. I've been listening to Beyonce's song 'Irreplaceable' and I think it's the right attitude to have - if you care enough about yourself, then you will choose someone who cares about you, not someone who breaks your heart. You are an amazing person who deserves better, and there is someone else out there that you should be paying attention to. Not your ex. He walked out on you. Let him go back to his miserable little life. You don't need him, you can't save him, and his happiness is no longer your responsibility.

January 22, 2008

very rarely will men put themselves out there if they do not know it's a sure thing. if he thinks you have healed and do not want to hear from him he will not contact you, even if he's miserable.

I have no inkling to give you false hope or bad advice but the above is true, at least for me. I am so damn scared to contact my ex again because she ignored my attempts in the past.

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I'm so angry at him

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