The Emotions of Pet Loss

January 21, 2008

It has long been known that the connection between owners and their pets can be incredibly strong...for a myriad of reasons.

Now researchers are beginning to acknowledge the depth with which the loss of these pets can be experienced.

Having recently lost one of my dogs...one of my best friends...a poodle/dalmatian cross (I know...he was a real love child) named Keda pr: Kee-da...I can attest to the pain that can accompany their loss.

I found this article to be helpful...if for no other reason than it let's one know that the way you are feeling is perfectly natural. I thought it might be of help to others experiencing a similar loss.

The Emotions of Pet Loss

by Moira Anderson Allen, M.Ed.

"It was the most tragic, traumatic, and emotionally devastating experience I had ever been through. I didn't know what to do. I cried day and night." (Dorothy R., Alabama)

"I felt like someone had ripped out my insides." (Karen A., Illinois)

"I never knew anything could hurt so bad. I cried a whole ocean of tears. I went through self-hatred for putting my pet to sleep, to depression, to acceptance. For a long time I couldn't even watch a dog food commercial." (Cheryl T., Alabama)

Full article http://www.pet-loss.net/emotions.html

January 21, 2008

I lead pet loss support groups sometimes. I work with animals and have felt the loss many times myself.

Quite a few years ago someone finally put it in writing in a medical (psychological) magazine that the stages of grief for pet loss are the same stages as for people.

People used to, many still do and always will, think that there is something wrong with me whenever I have said that the loss of my human children hurt me no less than the loss of my K-9 children because I loved them all the same.

My mother loved me dearly and she loved the dogs who grew up with me and were her K-9 children. It certainly never left me feeling second-best or unloved in any way. That was the greatest gift my mother ever gave me. The understanding that love when genuine and is not bound by species.

I am so sorry for your loss. I do know how it feels and I know that you get through it, you don't get over it.

Don't get another dog yet. Let your grief take its course for a while. When you are ready to love again, adopt a dog and know that it will never be the same or fill the same place in your heart. It will have it's own place and that love grow and it won't be like being unfaithful to Keda.

Some folks told me to have another child and that made me angry. When the K9's passed they said get another dog. That hurt to. So many people don't understand and think that another soul will fill the void left by the first. It just doesn't work that way.

I'm fortunate enough to have six dogs at the moment. I had seven. When I lost the last one a very insensitive person at work asked me if I could even tell that one was missing and actually laughed LAUGHED when she overheard me tell someone else that the house seemed empty!

Please don't let yourself dwell on the "Did I do the right thing?" thoughts. You did.

I found these poems years ago and they have made me cry (still do) but they are also helpful sometimes when the pain of doubt is at its zenith in my heart.

FROM FRIEND TO FRIEND

You're giving me a special gift,

So sorrowfully endowed,

And through these last few cherished days,

Your courage makes me proud.

But really, love is knowing

When your best friend is in pain,

And understanding earthly acts

Will only be in vain.

So looking deep into your eyes,

Beyond, into your soul,

I see in you the magic, that will

Once more make me whole.

The strength that you possess,

Is why I look to you today,

To do this thing that must be done,

For it's the only way.

That strength is why I've followed you,

And chose you as my friend,

And why I've loved you all these years...

My partner 'til the end.

Please, understand just what this gift,

You're giving, means to me,

It gives me back the strength I've lost,

And all my dignity.

You take a stand on my behalf,

For that is what friends do.

And know that what you do is right,

For I believe it too.

So one last time, I breathe your scent,

And through your hand I feel,

The courage that's within you,

To now grant me this appeal.

Cut the leash that holds me here,

Dear friend, and let me run,

Once more a strong and steady dog,

My pain and struggle done.

And don't despair my passing,

For I won't be far away,

Forever here, within your heart,

And memory I'll stay.

I'll be there watching over you,

Your ever faithful friend,

And in your memories I'll run,

...a young dog once again.

In Memory of Asta, Feb. 1997

If

If it should be

If it should be that I grow frail and weak

And pain should keep me from my sleep

Then you must do what must be done

For this last battle can't be won

You will be sad, I understand

Don't let your grief then stay your hand

For this day, more than all the rest

Your love and friendship stand the test

We've had so many happy years

What is to come can hold no fears.

Would you want me to suffer? So

When the time comes, please let me go.

Take me where my needs they'll tend

Only, stay with me until the end

And hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes no longer see

It is a kindness that you do to me.

Although my tail its last has waved

From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Do not grieve it should be you

Who must decide this thing to do.

We've been so close, we two these years

Don't let your heart hold any tears

Anon

I AM NOT THERE

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there, I did not die.

Author unknown

January 21, 2008

It has long been known that the connection between owners and their pets can be incredibly strong...for a myriad of reasons.

Oh,

And why is that?

Because pets are capable of unconditional love.

People let their ego, pride, dignity, self-esteem, self-worth, and all those idiotic ideas to get in the way, so they miss up on love.

Then they wonder why they love their pets so much.

Because the pets don't believe in things like ego, pride, dignity, self-esteem, self-worth. Imagine what would happen if a dog would get offended at the things you do.

January 21, 2008

Thank you very much for your comments....and poems...it is deeply appreciated.

I too, have heard the comments re: get another K-9 etc...and worse the look...you know, the look...that says...why are you so upset? It's just a dog...or cat...bird, fish, hamster...etc......

I rescued Keda and his Dad, Rowdy from a farm 7 years ago after the couple that owned them split up and moved off the farm. I don't even know Rowdy without Keda...they came as a set. I have no intention of getting another

K9. As it is Rowdy has become quite clingy (he's an 11 1/2 dalmatian) and I'm not sure bringing a new "attention needer" into the house would sit well with him. Although much of Rowdy's daily stimulus came from his interactions with Keda.

Keda finally succumbed to congestive heart failure at the age of 9...much too young.

He was an awesome companion...a good friend...and I miss him very much...

January 21, 2008

Oh,

And why is that?

Because pets are capable of unconditional love.

People let their ego, pride, dignity, self-esteem, self-worth, and all those idiotic ideas to get in the way, so they miss up on love.

Then they wonder why they love their pets so much.

Because the pets don't believe in things like ego, pride, dignity, self-esteem, self-worth. Imagine what would happen if a dog would get offended at the things you do.

So true Ariadne! And you never realize the love you can have for an animal until you get to know one...

I was never a dog lover, but after a certain dog entered my life, it has not been the same since.

swansong, I am very sorry for your loss. I'm glad you're writing out your feelings to help you cope. It's nice to know that people REALLY do love their pets.

January 21, 2008

swansong, I feel your pain. I extend my sympathy to you.

It is just a little over two years ago that we lost our first family dog (a boxer). The emotions that occur are somewhat surprising yet not. As a guy, I am expected to just figure that "she was an animal," but as I am an animal lover, this is not possible. Her death was like losing a family member in one sense. For the children, I almost think it was like losing a sibling.

Having children and observing them experience the loss of a pet magnifies my own feelings of loss. They had grown up with her literally. We had gotten her when two children were 3 yrs and 18 months. During her lifetime, we added two more children. As children, they had a hard time understanding that things do change, animals and people do die. I will never forget that evening as she died in our kitchen while we were all there. I think I posted the details in a previous thread, but it was very hard. She died of kidney failure at the age of seven years. Boxers do die relatively young, but this was much sooner than we expected. As my wife is a nurse, my youngest son looked down at his now dead dog lying peacefully as if sleeping and said: "Mom, can't you make her walk again?" The concept of death at four was too hard for him to comprehend.

Even now as I type this, I choke up remembering her and what she was for our family. But the feeling I get when I look over at our "new" dog is also comforting. She may not be like the first dog, but in many ways she is even better. Our first one was perfect with young children, but this one fits our family as we are now.

Not meaning to get carried away with my own memories, but in the past when I talked about losing a family pet, I could only speak of the pain and sorrow it must bring. Now having experienced the loss of a dear family pet, I can feel understanding and empathy for someone who journeys through that same valley of pain. Now when I offer sympathy , it is with the heart felt knowledge of what emotions the loss brings.

January 21, 2008

Thank you, James....for what must have been a difficult note to write.

I have had many pets over the years and losing them never gets any easier.

I would relate the circumstances surrounding the loss of Keda...but I'm afraid it's all still a little too fresh.

Thank you again for sharing your story...it helps to know that there are people that understand and empathize.

And thank you too Ocean.

Your comments have brought a modicum of peace to a very upsetting situation.

It is much appreciated.

January 21, 2008

Pets are simply wonderful.I had 2 dogs during my growing up years in my family home.The first one went missing when I was 11 years old,never to be seen again.I will always remember the pain it caused me.It was all a new experience,the profound pain within my heart for my best friend.

My second dog was even a bigger heart breaker.He was my absolute true friend who loved me unconditionally.He never once was not in the mood to come out with me,indeed he lived for it.He enjoyed 15 years of high quality life.

When he got sick,I knew his days were limited.Upon advice I had him put asleep.I will never forget carrying him into the vets that day.My heart was totally smashed into smithereens.I still think of him regularily and my heart skips a beat.The pain of losing a pet is very similar to that of losing a loved one,you better believe it.

Do dogs go to heaven?? I sure hope so,cos heaven would be a better place,because of them.

(my second dog Buster is my avator)

Edited January 21, 2008 by bustertypsy

January 21, 2008

Do dogs go to heaven??

Thank you for sharing your story. I really do appreciate you folks sharing these stories, even tho I'm sure it brings back some painful memories....and hopefully some happy ones, as well.

In answer to your question...here is the text from the sympathy card the vet clinic sent me...

The Rainbow Bridge

When a beloved pet dies, it goes to the Rainbow Bridge. It makes friends with other animals and frolics over rolling hills and peaceful, lush meadows of green.

Our pets do not thirst or hunger. The old and sick are made young once more; the maimed and the ill become healed and strong. They are as healthy and playful as we remember them in days gone by.

Though happy and content, they still miss someone very special, someone they had to leave behind.

Together, the animals chase and play, but the day comes when a pet will suddenly stop and look into the distance... bright eyes intent, eager body quivering.

Suddenly recognizing you, your pet bounds quickly across the green fields and into your embrace. You celebrate in joyous reunion. You will never again separate.

Happy tears and kisses are warm and plenty; your hands caress the face you missed. You look once more into the loving eyes of your pet and know you never really parted. You realize that though out of sight, your love had been remembered.

And now, you cross the Rainbow Bridge together..

Author unknown

I pulled this next one from an Ann Landers column many years ago...

Do dogs have souls?

Dogs don't have souls, do they?

I remember bringing you home. You were so small and cuddly with your tiny paws and soft fur.

You bounced around the room with eyes flashing and ears flopping. Once in a while, you'd let out a little yelp just to let me know this was your territory.

Making a mess of the house and chewing on everything in sight became a passion, and when I scolded you, you just put your head down and looked up at me with those innocent eyes, as if to say, "I'm sorry, but I'll do it again as soon as you're not watching."

As you got older, you protected me by looking out the window and barking at everyone who walked by. When I had a tough day at work, you would be waiting for me with your tail wagging, just to say "Welcome home, I missed you. You never had a bad day, and I could always count on you to be there for me.

When I sat down to read the paper and watch TV, you would hop on my lap, looking for attention. You never asked for anything more than to have me pat your head so you could go to sleep with your head over my leg.

As you got older, you moved around more slowly. Then, one day, old age finally took its toll, and you couldn't stand on those wobbly legs anymore. I knelt down and patted you lying there, trying to make you young again. You just looked up at me as if to say that you were old and tired and that after all these years of not asking for anything, you had to ask me for one favor.

With tears in my eyes, I drove you one last time to the vet. One last time, you were lying next to me. For some strange reason, you were able to stand up in the animal hospital; perhaps it was your sense of pride.

As the vet led you away, you stopped for an instant, turned your head and looked at me as if to say, "Thank you for taking care of me."

I thought, "No, thank you for taking care of me."

Edited January 21, 2008 by swansong519

January 21, 2008

Swansong,thank you for your above post,it brought tears to my eyes,literally.Truly wonderful!!

Here's to Keda and Buster!!

Edited January 21, 2008 by bustertypsy

January 21, 2008

This thread brought me to tears.

I recently lost my cat, Sushi...a dear friend and companion of over 21 years. She died the first week of December and a day doesn't pass that I don't think about her, sometimes breaking down and tears. I still can't believe she's gone. I miss her SO much...the pain in incredible.

I go to her grave and talk to her sometimes, again breaking down in tears, and remind myself that she's not really there...that she's in some beautiful place waiting for me to join her. And I truly believe that, in fact it brings me some comfort. I know that I will never again find another like her, nor do I want to. She will forever remain in my heart and soul.

I found this poem shortly after I lost her and it brought me some comfort. And a lot of tears as well!

The Rainbow Bridge

By the edge of the woods, at the foot of the hill,

is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.

Where the friends of man and woman do run,

when their time on this earth is over and done.

For there, between this world and the next,

is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.

On this land, they wait and they play,

till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.

No more do they suffer, in pain or sadness,

for here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.

Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,

their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.

They romp through the grass without even a care,

until one day they start, and sniff in the air.

All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back.

Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.

For just at that instant, their eyes have met;

Together again, both person and pet.

So they run to each other, these friends from long past,

their time of parting is over at last.

The sadness felt while they were apart,

has turned into joy once more in each heart.

They embrace with a love that will last forever,

and then side-by-side, they cross over...together.

~T~

January 21, 2008

Tormented..... I feel your pain and your loss. I share it.

They give us so much and ask for so little in return.

It is not possible to "replace" them because each one is unique and special. One could no more replace a loved animal companion than they could a sister or brother.

Please know you're not alone. There are many that are experiencing the same feelings of loss.

It's only been 2 weeks for me...and though the pain and the constant tears are beginning to subside, I still feel a huge hole in my heart and my life.

I need to believe I will see him again. I need to believe that I will get another chance to tell him how much he meant to me and how much I've missed him.

You loved Sushi...and she loved you....and truly, what more could we have hoped for...except a little more time.

My thoughts are with you....and thank you for sharing your story.

Edited January 21, 2008 by swansong519

January 22, 2008

There have been a couple of books about dogs and pets going to heaven. I have not read them yet, but they sound interesting.

http://www.amazon.com/Heaven-Eternal-Answers-Animal-Lovers/dp/0967621801/ref=pd_bbs_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1200973665&sr=1-2

http://www.amazon.com/There-Eternal-Animals-Behrikis-Shanahan/dp/0972030107/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b

And for more tears, go to this link...

http://www.eternalanimals.com/

Personally, I am not sure that I agree with this idea, but it is appealing and does seem to have some basis for it.

January 24, 2008

Ugghh....I have to take Rowdy in to see the vet tomorrow. He also has congestive heart failure but not as severe, at this point, as Keda's was.

It's such an awful way to go. They seem fairly normal (given their condition) and then something will happen...eg: the kidneys will shut down...and the fluid starts to back up...and before you know it they are past the point of no return. You take them to the vet but there's little they can do at that point. They are struggling to breath and expectorate the fluid and you know they are about to die. So you hastly euthenize them to spare them any more struggling.

It's an awful way to spend your last hour or so with your pet.

It's the first time I've been back there since Keda died...and he's still there. The ground here is frozen, so I can't bury him (I have a little pet cemetary (4 pets) on my acreage). They have a "cooler" that they are keeping him in til spring.

I am SO not looking forward to going through this again. And I'm so not looking forward to going back to the clinic tomorrow.

Just wanted to get that out...

January 25, 2008

As the vet led you away, you stopped for an instant, turned your head and looked at me as if to say, "Thank you for taking care of me."

I thought, "No, thank you for taking care of me."

Annnnndddd now I'm crying.

That was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

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