gooodgirrrll Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 i'm a member of a website that's basically for adults to find sex partners...i've not had a problem with this and have had many offers from married men for encounters. i've always said no. i never had any interest in getting involved with a married man, it holds no "forbidden" appeal or anything. however.....i've been on the site over a year now and a long time back was contacted by a man who's profile states that he's married. i said no and though i heard from him now and then, never met with him. until a few weeks ago. i had just broken up with my boyfriend and was feeling lonely. i came across this mans profile and having always found his picture attractive (one of the few of the men who didn't put up a picture of his privates as an intro) contacted him on a bit of a whim. he answered right away and a few days later (after i'm sure he thought we'd never meet) we met. immediately...he wasn't like many of the men from the site i'd met...he didn't immediately start feeling me up or trying any moves. he was incredibly sweet and funny...and found me funny which really made me feel good and happy...i felt attractive and witty in his prescence. we watched a movie...with me moving a little closer throughout it. i don't know what it was, but i was attracted to this man. he's cute enough...a regular kind of guy..but holds many of the attributes i've always listed when thinking about what i want in a mate. kind eyes, nice smile, easy/contagious laugh and strong hands. he's got them all. and i feel happy in his prescence. the whole movie he never made a move. when the movie ended, he didn't rush into anything...essentially leaving everything to me. he didn't act like he expected anything at all from me. we chatted a bit, laughing more than anything...and finally i moved in close...it still took awhile but we finally kissed. he still never once rushed anything...acting like what i've always wanted a man to act. slow, careful, very touchy-feely..rubbing my face, arms and back...never once rushing..yet at the right time, insistent and deliberate. i won't go into more detail...but the evening stretched out into night and into the morning. it was fantastic. i'm not saying he's any sort of amazing lover or incredibly endowed or anything, he's not. he's an average, sweet, hard working man who made me feel like i was the total center of all of his attention. that first night i kept my eyes closed alot and in the morning expected him to bolt...lol..actually expected him to bolt right after we finished making love...and, yes...it feels like we make love. he spent that first night with me...he had to go to work in the morning...but was back that same night...and stayed the night again. the next day (a friday) i had to travel to visit family for the weekend, but was back on sunday...monday night he came over right after work and stayed that night...and the next 2 nites too, coming pretty much an hour or so after he got off work and staying until he went straight to work the following morning. he didn't come that thursday nite and i had plans friday but then he came the next 3 nites. and so it goes...every time he comes, we chat and watch a movie and he stays over. i feel so happy when i'm with him. and that's the problem i'm having...i think i like him too much. i knew what i was getting into and honestly thought it would just be a sex thing. but it feels like more. when we go out to eat we'll sit for an hour or more talking and laughing. i feel sad when its time for him to go and if i send him a text and don't hear back from him i start to feel a knot of anxiety in my stomach. my ultimate question, though, is....does this really seem like the behavior of an actively married man? how does he pull off not coming home 3 and 4 nites in a row...not always the same nites...coming to me at different times...nothing consistent....honestly, i think that if he is married, he's separated...and i plan on asking him this. i'm just enjoying everything so much right now...i don't want to find out that he isn't separated. lol. i want him so badly to either be separated or newly single...or even single to begin with, having lied on his profile. lol. what do you think? is this behavior that of an actively married man? i'm curious as to what others may think. am i deluding myself?
OpenBook Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I think it's kinda creepy. You met him on an "Adults Seeking Sex" website. You don't know anything about this man, or his background. All you know is he's totally into you physically... and you're digging it. I think you're starting to project your own desires onto him. He seems perfectly happy with the way things are. He does not bring up anything about himself (otherwise, you'd be talking about it, right??). Brrrrr. This is high-risk behavior, in my book. You may be putting yourself in great danger. Aren't you at least a LITTLE concerned about that??
Author gooodgirrrll Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 true, there are things i don't know about him..but there is plenty that i do. i know what he does, where he works, where he lives (not the address but the town), i know his last name, his work history other life experiences he's had. the one thing we haven't talked about is his "married" state. i'm engaging in safe sex with him...my question to others is whether or not his behavior seems to be that of a married man? i guess its possible..it just seems strange that a man could get away with being away from home so many nites in a row and at so many different times. i've thought about it and the times i hear from and see him range all over the place. there's no pattern to it that would seem to fit a W's work scchedule...no matter how weird it may be... as far as my own behavior, i'm fine with it other than the fact that i didn't expect to like him this much. i didn't expect to feel like this.
OpenBook Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 my question to others is whether or not his behavior seems to be that of a married man? i guess its possible..it just seems strange that a man could get away with being away from home so many nites in a row and at so many different times. Yes, it IS odd. The whole thing is odd. I'm sorry, I'm just not getting this.
KATANYA Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) Not to be critical but you are having a physical relationship with a stranger you met online.......part of that is that anyone can be ANYTHING online! Even what you do know about him may not be anywhere near the truth of WHO this man is and WHAT he is about. The fact that he can stay away from his so-called W for days only tells me that he is either 'travelling' on business in her mind or he is lying that he has a 'wife' at all. Does he ever call home, get calls from home at night, etc? If the answer to that is 'no, never' then he is NOT married, IMO. This, by the way, is not necessarily good for you because he obviously lied for a reason. And, if he's newly single or separated, that's just a whole other bunch of baggage you are better off without! You seem ok with the VERY high risk and dangerous situations that this kind or relationship can bring you......the only thing I would suggest is that you get some perspective on the reality of this relationship...YOU ARE BOTH SEEKING SEX PARTNERS ONLINE! That is what the foundation of the relationship is and nothing more. Yes, he may be sweet, kind, gentle and a good lover....but he is still only seeking a sexual relationship from a stranger with no strings. If you really think he's 'the one" then do your homework and find out a little bit more than what his sexual preferences are! I would verify where he worked, his name, etc. etc.......but why bother? Bottom line is he wants you to believe he is married and unavailable. Unless your reliving PRETTY WOMAN scenerios, this man did not meet in order to fall in love - he met for sex. Its good for you that he is kind and sweet but I wouldn't disillusion byself that this acquaintance is anywhere near relationship material! Did you ever wonder how many other women he has contacted on this same site??? Edited January 21, 2008 by KATANYA
EYECANDY000 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 sounds like he may be seperated. or the wife really doesnt give a damn. What ever the case is you need to ask him about his marriage situation, if there is one.
Author gooodgirrrll Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 thanks for your perspective. i have no illusions about where we met and why...i'm just as anonymous online and with my own profile as he is. it takes two people in any situation. sexual or otherwise. had i neglected to mention where we met and instead said we'd met in a bar...would you have different commentary?...would the risks be any less? the answer is no. as i said, what i'm seeking is opinion on whether or not he's actually married. personally, i don't think he is. as to my own state of mind...true i dream of finding "the one"..but i try and keep a straight head about the men i've met on this site. i don't suspect that i'll meet "the one" off a sex site. what i AM surprised at, though, is my incapability to keep a straight head in this case. married or not..i really like this guy...and its throwing me for a loop. the way these posts are going i'm guessing this may not be the proper forum for my situation...if i'm unsure he's married, perhaps i should take the discussion elsewhere.
Author gooodgirrrll Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 sounds like he may be seperated. or the wife really doesnt give a damn. What ever the case is you need to ask him about his marriage situation, if there is one. thanks, eyecandy...the first real advice i can sink my teeth into. kind of matched my own opinion, but sometimes you just want to hear that what you're thinking makes sense.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I don't quite understand why you are asking us if he's married...That's something you should be asking him... And does it matter if he's married or not to you? You signed up with the service for sex right? Not a R?
maritallyconfused Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Nevermind the naysayers.. While it is not a popular thing to do amongst very conservative people, it sounds like you are taking all the right steps to protect yourself. He could very well be a normal guy who seeks attention and affection from outside sources. There is nothing creepy or criminal about it.. Just be careful and perhaps try not to fall in love. Have fun and enjoy life.
Computers Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Just be careful and perhaps try not to fall in love. Have fun and enjoy life. Are you back into your affair?
Author gooodgirrrll Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Nevermind the naysayers.. While it is not a popular thing to do amongst very conservative people, it sounds like you are taking all the right steps to protect yourself. He could very well be a normal guy who seeks attention and affection from outside sources. There is nothing creepy or criminal about it.. Just be careful and perhaps try not to fall in love. Have fun and enjoy life. thanks for your support. i don't have a problem with what i'm pursuing sexually...its the trying not to fall in love that's bothering me. even as i sit here typing this response this morning, my phone has just beeped with a text message. my heart soars hoping its my usual "good morning sweetie" message from him...think i'll go check. ...and it is. i do plan on asking him to clarify his situation. it kind of does matter whether or not he's married. as stated in my original note, i rejected many a married mans offer based on that fact. i don't like the idea of being with a married man, but quite honestly at this point i don't think that i'd stop seeing him if it turns out that he is...and for that reason, i almost don't want to know. ignorance is bliss, they say. but it never helps the situation.
maritallyconfused Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) Well as a person who is currently in a marriage where sex and passion is lacking, and I never wanted to ruin things.... I can relate to his situation. Your situation is entering dangerous territory. At a minimum you are going to be emotionally hurt. During my entire marriage, I have had my share of flings with women via sites like those and/or women I have met through work or while out.. It was always relatively harmless. Hot Sex, no emotion and fun. I think it is VERY hard to find a woman to have a sexual relationship with or FWB, but it can happen. I currently am having a torrid affair with a co-worker, and I am trying to break it off, but I am in love with her. Her and I in both know in our hearts there is no way I am going to leave my marriage, due to my kids and finances, etc. so it is inevitable to end it and we BOTH will be hurt because I know she is my soul mate. We both have a grasp on things and know this is the direction it will go.....I think we both know the sex is so mindblowing that we are just gonna let it run its course, and we actually have been backing off the emotions.. which is good. It is a process. So my advice is to back off the emotions if you can for both your sakes before you get in that situation. Just have sex and have fun or back away completely if it appears you cannot. My guess is that he has sensed your emotional connection and is probably going along with it because it feels good for him too, but if you backed off the emotion and just wanted some good hot sex that he will go along with that too! And for Computers... I am not back into my affair, as I sort of expressed above.. we discussed things and now we are just banging each other, so its not an affair anymore! It is going to run its course. I know that may sound repulsive to you but its not so bad. The sex is THAT good! Edited January 21, 2008 by maritallyconfused
Author gooodgirrrll Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Your situation is entering dangerous territory. At a minimum you are going to be emotionally hurt. During my entire marriage, I have had my share of flings with women via sites like those and/or women I have met through work or while out.. It was always relatively harmless. Hot Sex, no emotion and fun. I think it is VERY hard to find a woman to have a sexual relationship with or FWB, but it can happen. So my advice is to back off the emotions if you can for both your sakes before you get in that situation. Just have sex and have fun or back away completely if it appears you cannot. My guess is that he has sensed your emotional connection and is probably going along with it because it feels good for him too, but if you backed off the emotion and just wanted some good hot sex that he will go along with that too! I guess that's part of what vexes me. The sex ISN'T mindblowing, not the act of intercourse anyway. What IS mindblowing is everything i'm feeling leading up to and after intercourse. It's just this intense attraction. I mean, i can't stop kissing and running my hands over his face...and he's the same way with me. We lay in bed for hours, rather unintentionally, just talking, laughing and holding each other. [i mean, the sex is ok...but mindblowing was the sex that i had with the ex i broke up with back in november...i miss that sex. anway, that's off topic.] I'm trying so hard to keep my emotions in check, but its hard. As you say, emotional hurt is going to happen...and i know that. i don't think there's any real way to avoid emotional hurt in most any situation. but i need to try and stay focused, the last thing i want to turn into is "psycho chick". and the way i've been feeling, it could happen. so, i'm glad to have this forum to help express and sort through all the feelings i'm having. thanks for listening and chiming in with your advice and support. no matter the comment, i really appreciate it.
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Well as a person who is currently in a marriage where sex and passion is lacking, and I never wanted to ruin things.... I can relate to his situation. Your situation is entering dangerous territory. At a minimum you are going to be emotionally hurt. During my entire marriage, I have had my share of flings with women via sites like those and/or women I have met through work or while out.. It was always relatively harmless. Hot Sex, no emotion and fun. I think it is VERY hard to find a woman to have a sexual relationship with or FWB, but it can happen. I currently am having a torrid affair with a co-worker, and I am trying to break it off, but I am in love with her. Her and I in both know in our hearts there is no way I am going to leave my marriage, due to my kids and finances, etc. so it is inevitable to end it and we BOTH will be hurt because I know she is my soul mate. We both have a grasp on things and know this is the direction it will go.....I think we both know the sex is so mindblowing that we are just gonna let it run its course, and we actually have been backing off the emotions.. which is good. It is a process. So my advice is to back off the emotions if you can for both your sakes before you get in that situation. Just have sex and have fun or back away completely if it appears you cannot. My guess is that he has sensed your emotional connection and is probably going along with it because it feels good for him too, but if you backed off the emotion and just wanted some good hot sex that he will go along with that too! And for Computers... I am not back into my affair, as I sort of expressed above.. we discussed things and now we are just banging each other, so its not an affair anymore! It is going to run its course. I know that may sound repulsive to you but its not so bad. The sex is THAT good! If you are still married while you bang each other, it is still an affair.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 And for Computers... I am not back into my affair, as I sort of expressed above.. we discussed things and now we are just banging each other, so its not an affair anymore! It is going to run its course. I know that may sound repulsive to you but its not so bad. The sex is THAT good! I really don't believe what you said above at all... First, if you really thought she was your sole mate, you wouldn't be disrespecting her by "just banging her." I don't see how you think extra marital sex is not an affair either... Second, I think you are basically the MM that everyone warns everyone about... I hope that you are not as callous in real life as you come across...No matter what happens, there is no winner in these situations...Everyone pays a price... GEL
Author gooodgirrrll Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 My brain is screaming...my heart is bursting... I want to see him! I want to see him! I feel I'm on the verge of tears. Just to hear his voice or read his words via text would soothe me. But I hear nothing. The silence is torture. Though I know I'll probably hear something in the morning, how am I to survive the night? I know that alot of what I'm feeling is due to my menstrual cycle and the fact that I haven't had my mental-health meds in more than a month. I'll have my new insurance soon and can hopefully get back into the swing of things...but at this moment i'm literally on the verge of tears wanting to hear from him so badly...just typing that...now i'm crying. I hate when i'm like this. I can't control the way i've been feeling about him and i'm scared i won't be able to back off. i don't want to turn into a psycho-chick but i'm afraid i'm on my way. typing things out always seems to help..and i've done it before...but the knowledge that others may actually see what i write is kind of helpful and to know that i may even get some advice feels really good. i've stopped crying now. my emotions are on a hair-trigger. probably best that i didn't see him tonight. though i know that if i had, i'd be able to do nothing but smile. got news that i got a new job today. honestly..it's not giving me any pleasure. only hearing from him would...and i have, earlier this evening. but then, nothing. i hate this. i hate this i hate this i'm not happy. thanks for "listening"
maritallyconfused Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 hmmm... just be cool and dont be a psycho chick no matter what..
Kelebek Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Try and chill out babe. Have some faith in him - if he feels the way you THINK he's feeling, then it'll all work out, just have a bit of faith. Don't become a psycho chick (BELIEVE me, I KNOW how easy it is to go psycho - trying not to go there myself at the mo) it's never gonna get you where you want to be so just chill. Going psycho is the fastest sure way to lose him! Don't put all your eggs in one basket, it's not healthy to place the entire burden of your happiness on one person, especially if you don't know him all that well yet. Congratulations on your new job - please try to be happy about that, it's good news. Try to occupy your time - keeping busy is the only thing that stops me going insane when I've just looked at my phone for the billionth time and find no messages. Find stuff to do, even completely mundane things. I just cleaned the house from top to toe earlier and at least it distracted me. I realise that it must be difficult without your meds, but try to just sit calmly for a moment and really assess your life - you're clever, you've just been offered a new job, you're obviously a caring person...do you see what I mean? You have lots in your life, and yet you act like you'll have nothing if this man that you barely know leaves you. That isn't true,please don't think of your life as THAT empty - that's pretty grim. Try to keep in mind what's really important. Enjoy spending time with him, just try to chill about it all. You're placing too much importance on him and that is dangerous.
Author gooodgirrrll Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Thanks for the support, guys. I made it through the night without becoming a psycho chick. heard from him this morning and we chatted on the phone, said he wasn't feeling too hot (actually, i'm the one that got him sick, but he's too sweet to agree with that)..so he got home, took some meds and crashed. But what really made me feel better was getting my feelings down in writing last nite. "Enjoy spending time with him, just try to chill about it all. You're placing too much importance on him and that is dangerous." Kelebek- your words are wonderful, thank you so much. they help me put things into perspective and they are words i'm sure i'll come back to again. I'm calling now to officially accept my new job. and, yes, i AM happy about it. Nervous as all Heck, but happy. It's a huge relief to know i'll be able to transition from school directly into full time work without a gap. in fact, i'll be starting there part time in the next couple of weeks. I'm so glad i've found this community. thank you all.
Author gooodgirrrll Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 Try and chill out babe. Have some faith in him - if he feels the way you THINK he's feeling, then it'll all work out, just have a bit of faith. Don't become a psycho chick (BELIEVE me, I KNOW how easy it is to go psycho - trying not to go there myself at the mo) it's never gonna get you where you want to be so just chill. Going psycho is the fastest sure way to lose him! Don't put all your eggs in one basket, it's not healthy to place the entire burden of your happiness on one person, especially if you don't know him all that well yet. Congratulations on your new job - please try to be happy about that, it's good news. Try to occupy your time - keeping busy is the only thing that stops me going insane when I've just looked at my phone for the billionth time and find no messages. Find stuff to do, even completely mundane things. I just cleaned the house from top to toe earlier and at least it distracted me. I realise that it must be difficult without your meds, but try to just sit calmly for a moment and really assess your life - you're clever, you've just been offered a new job, you're obviously a caring person...do you see what I mean? You have lots in your life, and yet you act like you'll have nothing if this man that you barely know leaves you. That isn't true,please don't think of your life as THAT empty - that's pretty grim. Try to keep in mind what's really important. Enjoy spending time with him, just try to chill about it all. You're placing too much importance on him and that is dangerous. I keep coming back to these words for comfort. But its so hard. We don't see each other as much anymore and yesterday, for the first time, he didn't stay overnight. i mean, we still see each other at least once a week...but i just loved it so much in the beginning. he was here nearly every nite for two weeks. i loved it. I know that its the physical touch and company, the atmosphere, that i truly seek. I want a man in my life. I have one now, but he's married. I never expected to like him this much and I've never had this much trouble keeping myself in check. I think about him constantly and want to see him everyday. But I know I can't. This is so unhealthy overall, but, the enormous feelings and fulfillment I get when I'm with him seems worth it. I want him to be just mine. I want him to want me as badly as i want him. When we're together, its like there's nothing and no one else. But as soon as he's gone, there's a pit in my stomach that just aches until i see him again. Like i said, I keep coming back to Kelebek's words for strength, and they help. But its so hard...so very hard.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 If you're not getting your needs met, you need to tell him...Just because you're in an A doesn't mean that you don't have a say... The truly interesting thing about A's is that the OW really has alot of power in the R without even realizing it...Don't give it all away because you don't think that you are "allowed" a voice... Don't set a precedent like that...That he calls the shots...Turn it around...Schedule him don't allow him to schedule you...Make him respect you, no matter the circumstances...
Recommended Posts