Elmarbrock Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Okay, I'm a newbie here so I'm going to tell my story from the beginning. My gf and I met in college during my junior year. We began dating and eventually graduated from college. After college, we had a relatively long distance relationship; I lived about an hour drive from her. We are both in grad school and could only see each other on weekends, when we'd spend the bulk of our weekends together. We were together for about a year and a half after graduation and then we broke up. We were both having communication issues (i.e., "we weren't communicating enough."), and also I needed my space. I felt that at times she was too constricting and at times prevented me from having my own life. We decided (it was kind of mutual) to take some time away from each other. The break up was last March, March of '07. Since then, we have been keeping in touch through email and phone calls. I met her once since the break up in November, when she confided in me that it might take her "3 months or 6 months" if she wants to get back together with me. I'll be honest here, I wasn't exactly playing the "wait-and-see" approach for the bulk of the break up. I had been the one initiating the contact and emailing and calling her. Fast forward to December. She "dated" a guy for four dates (I'm not really sure this is dating), and then broke up with him on 19 Dec. because she didn't feel that relationship was going anywhere. Since then, I have been less available (i.e., going out more with my own friends) and therefore have called her less. In fact, the last 4 times or so, she has been the one initiating contact. During our last few phone conversations, she makes it a point to apologize to me for "inhibiting" me, "constricting" me, and "for acting like a b**ch during the break up". She tells me that it was her boyfriends that made her aware of her tendencies. Our last phone conversation ended with her reminding me to "email or call [her] more often." She says all this at the same time telling me that she's "happy as friends." Bottom line: I still have very deep feelings for her and would like to be back with her. And I get the impression that she thinks I'm okay with this "friend" thing, but deep inside I'm not. I try to hold back my feelings every time I'm on the phone with her, because I don't know how she'll respond. Based on what I stated above, what should I do? Do you think there's any chance to get back with her, for I love her with all my heart? How do I go about doing that? The conundrum is that either she's wanting to work things out gradually, or using me as her "emotional towel" so she can work through her own issues with no regard for my feelings. Should I just ask her what her motivation is for apologizing? Thanks. Any help is greatly appreciated.
BrianG Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I would let her intitiate any contact from here on out. If you have not made your feelings known to her and she is "happy being friends" then in my opinion you are in the friendzone. I would either suggest letting her know that you still have deep feelings for her and she what she says. Or just be friends, which it seems to me is where you are at now. You will only get hurt if you have deep feelings for her and she just wants to be friends. Only when you let go of those deep feelings for her will a successful friendship develop. If you still have feelings for her I would let her know and see what happens. At least you wont regret not telling her how you feel.
fabulousgal Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 you haven't told her how you feel? at least do that and see what happens. if she hem's and haw's about it too much (keep in mind you did dump her so she has every right to be wary) you have your answer. chances are she still likes you. i wouldn't apologize for anything to the ex i still talk to that i'd rather have a colonoscopy before dating him again. we are friends, and i know i have no reason to apologize to him. i am quite comfortable in the breakup so my thoughts are she isn't.
Author Elmarbrock Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 thanks for your replies, but what's the best way to tell her I still have feelings. I mean, I have told her on prior occasions (last time was when we met in November) that I still love her. Any more help is greatly appreciated.
BrianG Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 The best way to tell her is to be honest about your feelings for her, simple as that, Tell her how you truly feel and that is the best way to go about it. Sit in a room by yourself with no distractions and really think about how you feel and that is what you should say.
Author Elmarbrock Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 The best way to tell her is to be honest about your feelings for her, simple as that, Tell her how you truly feel and that is the best way to go about it. Sit in a room by yourself with no distractions and really think about how you feel and that is what you should say. Thanks BrianG. I've know what I want to say to her, but I don't know when the best time to bring this up. Should I wait until she contacts me and asks again about the relationship, or should I be more forthcoming?
Author Elmarbrock Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 So she calls me yesterday and we have a pretty normal conversation. We both laughed and talked about mundane things like school, etc. We did not, however, get into the relationship talk. My question is this: I want to tell her how I feel in person, so I was thinking if I should ask to meet her somewhere to talk about things? Would that go over as too forthcoming? What kind of things should I say?
THE THRONE Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 (edited) Based on what I stated above, what should I do? You need to stop wasting your time on the phone with her. Do you think there's any chance to get back with her, for I love her with all my heart? No chance in hell. How do I go about doing that? You don't. The conundrum is that either she's wanting to work things out gradually, or using me as her "emotional towel" so she can work through her own issues with no regard for my feelings. Should I just ask her what her motivation is for apologizing? Emotional towel? Emotional TAMPON is more like it. No, you should not ask her what her motivation is because you already know what it is. She wants to use you as backup or a support mechanism until the BBD comes along. She is interested in being your FRIEND and NOT your GIRLFRIEND. I want to tell her how I feel in person, so I was thinking if I should ask to meet her somewhere to talk about things? Would that go over as too forthcoming? What kind of things should I say? THE THRONE believes meeting her is a waste of time, so he won't give you any advice on what to say. Edited January 26, 2008 by THE THRONE
Author Elmarbrock Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 THE THRONE believes meeting her is a waste of time, so he won't give you any advice on what to say. Everything you say is probably true, but would meeting her and expressing my feelings hurt?
Trecherized Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 regardless whether she wants to be your gf or not, i think you should still let her know. it always feels better knowing you've done everything you can for something that you want than just sitting around waiting for it to come. good luck to you.
THE THRONE Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Everything you say is probably true, but would meeting her and expressing my feelings hurt? Yes. Meeting her and expressing your feelings is going to hurt. If you want her back you are going to have to follow the doctrine of the Seven-Legged Lamb. Chapter 12 verse 12-13 of the book of the Seven-Legged Lamb reads: "12. Never wear thy emotions on thy garment sleeve, and never tell thy ex how thou really feeleth. 13. For in doing so, great calamity will befall thee and thou shalt be alone once again." Chapter 50 verse 230 says: "230. Let her come to thee." You need to pay attention to her actions, and you need to be reserved. Going off like some lovestruck fool and explaining your feelings right now isn't going to do you any good. She has already said it will take 3-6 months to decide what she wants to do, but here lies the problem with that. How can she put a timeline on how long it will take? Why should you wait for that time to come around? If a woman is into you there is no "wait until 3 or 6 months and well see" type of speech. Finally, she told you she liked being friends. You tell her ANYTHING about how you feel and you've lost her for good. Remain cool, calm and unaffected by her choice. Make sure she see's that, but ultimately she needs to express her desires for YOU.
CalamitousJane Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Chapter 12 verse 12-13 of the book of the Seven-Legged Lamb reads: "12. Never wear thy emotions on thy garment sleeve, and never tell thy ex how thou really feeleth. 13. For in doing so, great calamity will befall thee and thou shalt be alone once again." I might add this corollary, in case you're not as highly evolved as THE THRONE: 12.a If thou are'st compelled to tell thy ex the truth in the bottom of thy heart, be prepared to stop all further contact with said ex swiftly, decisively and permanently if the response of said ex is a single iota more hesitant than your proclamation of love.
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