annie77 Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 We've been broken up with my boyfriend for over a year now. Together for 7 years. Niether one of us ever let go, we still see each other almost every weekend. I've asked him a couple of months ago where we stand and he said he's not ruling anything out but he's too busy with work and training (he's taken up a new sport) that he can't be in a relationship right now. It went from us seeing each other once a month to every weekend so I thought we were getting closer again and maybe we're nearing that point but I still feel so empty and I'm almost giving up. Not sure what to do, if I should just still stay in contact and see where things go, or if I should just finally cut things off. But he's my best friend, we still go out on dates, we still act as if we're a couple. So I don't know how I'll deal with it if I lost him as a friend. Does it seem like it may be going in that direction, that I should continue to be patient? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
spooty Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 same thing going on with me. all i can really say is if you want to have a relationship (with him or anybody) then you should begin limiting your time with him again so you can emotionally let go and make him a friend. He keeps you around because he likes you and he can have the benefits of a relationship without the work, since he did all that a long time ago, as opposed to building a new one. Apparently women cause a lot of stress for men and when there is some sort of big event in their lives they will cut us out, our response to a big event is to involve them. they just like to work things out on their own, and don't want to be seen in weak moments. if you want to be with him then all you can do it wait. or... you could always take a risk and date around to remind him that you don't have forever. he will either be happy for you because he is your friend, or jealous and try to get you back because he was your boyfriend.
Author annie77 Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 same thing going on with me. all i can really say is if you want to have a relationship (with him or anybody) then you should begin limiting your time with him again so you can emotionally let go and make him a friend. He keeps you around because he likes you and he can have the benefits of a relationship without the work, since he did all that a long time ago, as opposed to building a new one. Apparently women cause a lot of stress for men and when there is some sort of big event in their lives they will cut us out, our response to a big event is to involve them. they just like to work things out on their own, and don't want to be seen in weak moments. if you want to be with him then all you can do it wait. or... you could always take a risk and date around to remind him that you don't have forever. he will either be happy for you because he is your friend, or jealous and try to get you back because he was your boyfriend. Thank you so much. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing, I know how difficult it is. I've tried dating but nothing's ever came out of it. And I end up always thinking about him and going back to him. I just can't seem to move on. Not opposed to starting a new relationship, I just haven't found anyone yet. Plus I've been waiting- it's been 16 months to be exact. I know people can still reconcile after being broken up that long but I feel like there's no hope and I want to give up. Yet I can't imagine not having him in my life anymore.
fabulousgal Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 i wouldn't buy it. he's keeping you at arm's length for a reason. he sucks. one thing i have learned the hard way is that if a man wants you he will not let anything get in his way. not saying he doesn't like you or care for you, he just doesn't enough. don't you want to be with someone who would be sad to not call you his woman? cause right now you are at liberty to perhaps find someone else. its a risk he is taking, by choice. it's hard and i'm sorry but cut the cord and find you someone who sees you as a portion of his first course plate of life, not a round of seconds in case he finishes whatever it is he doing that makes him unavailable.
Author annie77 Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 i wouldn't buy it. he's keeping you at arm's length for a reason. he sucks. one thing i have learned the hard way is that if a man wants you he will not let anything get in his way. not saying he doesn't like you or care for you, he just doesn't enough. don't you want to be with someone who would be sad to not call you his woman? cause right now you are at liberty to perhaps find someone else. its a risk he is taking, by choice. it's hard and i'm sorry but cut the cord and find you someone who sees you as a portion of his first course plate of life, not a round of seconds in case he finishes whatever it is he doing that makes him unavailable. So should I just slowly pull away and not respond anymore to his calls and e-mails? Or should I actually have a talk with him and tell him how I feel once and for all and just let him know it's best for us to part ways? I do want to tell him how I feel to get it all out but then again, I may sound very weak by telling him this. How should I deal with it?
fabulousgal Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 i think if you want to tell him its fine. tell him you are more valuable than he is showing, and it would be best for you not to continue on. if he changes his mind you MIGHT be available. Then delete every contact method you have to get up with him and do not contact him. you will have no regrets that you just cut him off with no "last chance" this way. probably you will end up being apart, and this will be the only way he will come around if he ever does.
GlamourBabe Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I agree with FabulousGal, also are you having intimacy with him still ? Because " Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free springs to mind"
Author annie77 Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 I agree with FabulousGal, also are you having intimacy with him still ? Because " Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free springs to mind" Yes, we're still intimate.... Very true. But also, if it was JUST for sex, I wonder also, why he would still take me to dinner, or a movie, still buy me christmas/ birthday presents. He knows even if he didn't do any of that he could still get it, sad to admit.
GlamourBabe Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Well I think he still has a lot of feelings for you and cares for you which is why he does these things but I think its " crunch time" now. It has to be all or nothing. You have to go NC, I am about to do it myself and I am scared to hell but LC does not work, as you rightfully know. Also, I dont like the idea that someone would risk losing me, which means I am not that special. I want a man to think I am the best thing since sliced bread. Its all about getting your sense of self worth back. And by him doing the wish washy bull crap, its keeping you in limbo and you hanging on. I have heard so many a time where this situation results in him finding someone else and your like " what? " and he will be like " Sorry it just happened, but we werent together" I would bail out now, before you get hurt. If he really wants you, neither hell or high water will stop him, he will step over his dying mum to get you back. x
Author annie77 Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Thank you, that's so true! He's kept me around for all this time and if he moves on, I don't know what I would do. And I never got the time to heal since we've never lost contact. Should I actually have this talk with him and tell him that it's all or nothing? Would I seem crazy, giving him this ultimatum? I just don't want him thinking that, plus it will be just another thing to prove that he's got me wrapped around his finger. Or maybe I should just pull away slowly and just make him wonder? That could make it or break it, either he'll start to panic and realize he's losing a good thing, or he'll just let me go.
GlamourBabe Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 (edited) Thank you, that's so true! He's kept me around for all this time and if he moves on, I don't know what I would do. And I never got the time to heal since we've never lost contact. Should I actually have this talk with him and tell him that it's all or nothing? Would I seem crazy, giving him this ultimatum? I just don't want him thinking that, plus it will be just another thing to prove that he's got me wrapped around his finger. Or maybe I should just pull away slowly and just make him wonder? That could make it or break it, either he'll start to panic and realize he's losing a good thing, or he'll just let me go. Yes, I am glad you see where I am coming from. DO NOT ANNOUNCE NC. I have done it before, and then ended up calling him, and it makes you look like you are not serious by your actions. Also, it kind of has an adverse effect because they expect you not to call and thats not what you want. You want to give them the gift of missing you, to wonder what you are up too. Just simply , DISAPPER. LIKE A SHIP IN THE NIGHT!. Dont worry about his feelings, he is not worrying about yours right now in the meantime you need to really really concentrate on yourself, do new hobbies, go to the gym everyday you need to be prepared for if or when he does contact you. If he dont, who cares. you will be in a better frame of mind to move on to someone else. ( Now all i need to do is take my own advice . lol ) Edited January 20, 2008 by GlamourBabe because i wanted too
Author annie77 Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Thank you so very much Glamourbabe! I appreciate that. I will stop initiating contact from now on and act as if I don't care. I remember doing this shortly after we broke up and he freaked out. One last question though- when he does e-mail or call me, still respond, right? Just be more distant??? I know he will e-mail me, he does this just about every day when he's at work, but I'm very personal and express my feelings quite a bit in the e-mails. Continue to respond right? Just make them short and sweet?
GlamourBabe Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Your welcome annie, I hope you do take my advice but I wouldnt respond to the emails at all. STOP. Like I said before " disappear like a ship in the night". It has to be done, and your not going to like it, and he wont like it. But he will have to do something about it wont he. By you replying your letting him know that you still care, and that your available to him. Think miss annie unavailable. This is the only way.
trulysomething Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Oh my goodness GlamourBabe..you are soooo correct. I have just started doing this with my ex too...the only difference was that I did tell him. I needed too because I was so upset and angry. And because I plan on sticking to it! I know he'll attempt to call in the next few weeks and it's up to me then to decide whether to answer or not. He had asked me if I would answer, I just said..I don't know. But if I don't, I do have voicemail if it's an emergency. Annie, best of luck with your situation!! I want to hear how it's working for you. Best of luck, you deserve someone who wants to be with you rather than just spending time with you.
GlamourBabe Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Oh my goodness GlamourBabe..you are soooo correct. I have just started doing this with my ex too...the only difference was that I did tell him. I needed too because I was so upset and angry. And because I plan on sticking to it! I know he'll attempt to call in the next few weeks and it's up to me then to decide whether to answer or not. He had asked me if I would answer, I just said..I don't know. But if I don't, I do have voicemail if it's an emergency. Annie, best of luck with your situation!! I want to hear how it's working for you. Best of luck, you deserve someone who wants to be with you rather than just spending time with you. Oh my god, trulysomething your ex sounds like mine. Asking if you would answer e.t.c I havent told my ex im doing NC, today was day one. But last night on the phone he said to me" I dont want you to not talk to me". So I said to him " Well i think its best if I leave you alone " and he replied........." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" like that. lol. Oh well. Too bad. lol. x
trulysomething Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 GlamourBabe...I hear you on that one. He said.."I miss you and hope to see you soon" (I am going back to the UK after being home in Canada for the holidays).."we will have amazing times again in the future" , "I want us to still have great chats",etc. He totally did not hear what I was telling him. I think he thinks it's a matter of a week or so...not forever as I am thinking. (Unless he REALLY mans up..which is totally unlikely and not going to happen.) He has always told me.."As long as we're talking to each other, who knows what the future holds?" The more I thought about it, the more angry I got because he's stringing me along with those thoughts..because it's easier for HIM. He's not thinking about how I feel at all. Hence, No Contact.
Author annie77 Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 "As long as we're talking to each other, who knows what the future holds?" OMG this is what my ex told me before too! So it kind of gave me some hope. I continued to think positive and spent as much time as I could, trying not to bring up the relationship, and just be a cheerful person, so maybe it would spark something in him and make him realize he wants to be with me. But here I am, 16 months after the breakup, still single and still in love with him, crying all the time. Thank you so much for the advice and I really hope I can do the whole NC thing. I've tried, but failed. I just know that when I do get that e-mail asking about my weekend, I can't help but to respond. Even before the 7 year relationship, we were good friends for 5 years so he was a huge part of my life. I just hope I'm strong but I also have to think, if he ever wants to take things to another level, that I do owe it to myself, and at least have him miss me. Or else I'm just setting myself up for disappointment after disappointment.
PLAYBRAT Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Hi Annie.... It's been 7 years. What in this 7 years has kept this man from KNOWING he wants to be with you?? I think 7 years s WAY to long to wonder if a man will ever want to be wth you. If he calls again, tell him you have a date and you will have to get back to him. Don't call him for a few weeks.....his reaction, or lack of will tell you all you need to know.
Author annie77 Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Hi Annie.... It's been 7 years. What in this 7 years has kept this man from KNOWING he wants to be with you?? I think 7 years s WAY to long to wonder if a man will ever want to be wth you. If he calls again, tell him you have a date and you will have to get back to him. Don't call him for a few weeks.....his reaction, or lack of will tell you all you need to know. I told him before that I met someone and he was very sad saying that he's upset, but it was bound to happen. He did say he was very upset and he realizes he may end up a lonely man, and he knew a wonderful girl like me wouldn't be single for long. Obviously nothing came of that new guy I met. I only went on one date with him. Another time after that, I told him I went to the gym with a new guy and he completely flipped out on me. I mean, he was so angry he said he could "kill someone". It took him a couple of weeks to calm down and finally start talking to me again so it's hard to even think how he'd react. I don't want him to hate me, but also, I wouldn't want to make something up and lie about a guy when I don't have another one in my life.
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